hossvarad | 
06 18th, 2009| 
MANHATTAN, KANSAS – A new group, called the Redundant Researchers Study Group for Modern Research, has concluded that three out of four Americans comprise 75% of the population. This controversial study has turned some heads in the academic community and has led to howls of protests from the remaining 25% of the population, who cite feeling “excluded” from the study’s results. Other studies scheduled to be studied by the studious study group include: “Why vanilla tastes like vanilla”, “How hot is hot?”, and “Three sides are more than two”. While the group’s findings are controversial to some and howlingly dull to others, they have managed to secure a grant from the U.S. government to continue their studies in perpetuity.
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HOUSTON, TX – Today, a group of highly-paid government scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Association (NASA) calculated that things in our universe may, indeed, be a whole lot worse than previously thought. According to calculations, the planet Earth will collide with Mercury (or possibly Venus or even Planet X), thus ending all life as we know it–in a few billion years. While some may not be too concerned about this calamitous eventuality today, people are nevertheless being urged to take precautions now in order to avoid severe personal or property damage when the planets (eventually) clunk into each other.
WASHINGTON, DC – In an unforeseen move that has sent many of her critics racing for a response, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has broken her own ankle. The move, heralded as an unprecedented show of empathy for the nation’s disabled, is just one more in a long line of minority qualifications held by the aspiring judge. President Barack Obama commented on the event, saying now the frumpy adjudicator was able to empathize with more people than ever before.
LONDON, ENGLAND – Prime Minister and Labour Party leader, Gordon Brown, has recently undergone a complete cosmetic makeover in preparation for his big showbusiness debut. As his political fortunes have slipped amid rampant scandals and other unpleasantries politicians create for themselves, it seems Mr. Brown has come to the attention of a variety of talent scouts who were desperately searching for a replacement for Simon Cowell on “Britain’s Got Talent!” and “American Idol”.
TEHRAN, IRAN – Millions of practitioners of the Religion of Peace ™ poured forth from their hovels this week to “get in tune” with dispatches from the great beyond. Donning foil hats, holding hands, and swaying back and forth to the rhythmic bleatings of their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, these devout throngs listened intently for some word from their much-anticipated messiah, the 13th Imam. Note: it would have been the 12th Imam, except the French demonstrated that the math was wrong, much as they did with the turn of the century beginning at the END of 2000 instead of the beginning. Meh.
HAVANA, CUBA – Today, Cuban scientists were proud to announce that they have invented something that will make life in the Communist dictatorship a little more pleasant for those forced to live there: flavored jackboots. At the behest of acting dictator, Raul Castro, these modern marvels of military footwear were created after a year of intensive research and development and are now available in a staggering array of yummy fruit flavors.
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Yesterday, U.S. Customs finally apprehended the notorious “Pants Smuggler” as he tried to cross the border into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. 
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, feeling a bit tired and hungry from their constant agit-prop campagin to overthrow the United States Constitution, President and Exalted Leader of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, and forgettable laughing stock, Vice-President Joe Biden, decided to head down to a local burger joint and have lunch–without preconditions.
MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – Fresh off their swine flu pandemic scare, Mexico has tossed away the surgical masks, opened up the bars, and are preparing to celebrate their Independence Day tomorrow, with hopes that the world will see how normal they are and resume travel to the many tourist hotspots in the beleaguered nation. They do have one request this year, however: the President of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, has issued an empassioned plea to other nations, especially the USA, to keep the drunken revelry to a minimum.
WASHINGTON, DC – Former Republican, now Democrat Senator Arlen “Don’t Call Me Phil” Specter has issued a statement today, saying the late Jack Kemp (a Republican icon and vice-presidential nominee) died because of his adherence to the party’s conservative platform. Indeed, the muddle-headed legislator continued to intimate that taking any particular position for very long could lead to an outbreak of similar proportions to the much-touted swine flu “pandemic”.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In a seemingly random event that sent New Yorkers into a panic today, Air Force One flew low over the site of the World Trade Center (aka “Ground Zero”), followed closely by an F-14 fighter jet or two. Frightened workers in Manhattan fled their office buildings in utter terror, fearing another attack by swarthy practitioners of the religion of peace, but this was not the case.
HOUSTON, TEXAS – The World Health Organization (WHO) today announced that there was a very good likelihood that the various swine flu outbreaks in Mexico and in some other, less important countries, could reach what they like to call “pandemic” status by early next week, according to Missy Harrington, a press correspondent for the disease monitoring group.
WASHINGTON, DC – According to a recent study conducted by the Omega Mu Institute (OMI), a national political and aesthetics think tank, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is not a very attractive woman. Indeed, certain highly-placed officials at OMI stated in no uncertain terms that “Madam Secretary would be ugly if she were a man”, while others speculated as to whether or not Napolitano was, indeed, male. No requests for verification have been filed by the organization at this time, however.
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – This year, as with every year since around 1900 or so, several dozens of true believers set out on a religious pilgrimmage to visit the fabled burial site of the original Easter Bunny(tm). These purists still cling to the idealistic notion that rabbits laying colored eggs in plastic patches of grass and/or handbaskets is the TRUE meaning of the holiday, despite being ridiculed as “slobbering idiots” by the thinking public.
(2009-04-08) — The White House today again denied that President Barack Obama had submissively bowed last week to Saudi King Abdullah, updating the official version of events to portray it as a “torso flexing move designed to administer a friendly 
SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN – It looks like this year proved to be the ultimate April Fool’s joke on the human race, as the calendar unexpectedly jumped to April 2. When people went to bed on March 31st, fully expecting to execute their April Fool’s pranks the next day, they were shocked to discover that the day itself had pulled the ultimate shennanigan: it disappeared from the calendar, forwarding all of humanity straight on to April 2nd.
