Fat Kids Harder to Kidnap, Experts Say

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – In a recent study released by the American Center for Really Fat People Studies today, researchers have come across a startling discovery: heavier children are more difficult to abduct than children who have a steady diet of healthy foods. “Their low center of gravity, coupled with a higher overall weight makes these pudgy little people quite difficult to dead lift,” said Dr. Lance O’Boyle of the ACRFPS. “Many of our lab techs managed to strain their lower backs during the study’s many simulated kidnapping experiments. They have reported that skinnier and even malnourished children are far more ‘comfortable’ targets to lift and carry away in a hurry.” As a consequence, concerned parents across the nation have signed on to feed their children as many fattening foods as possible to make their child less desirable targets for potential abductors. “My little Jimmy weighs 115 now,” said Mrs. Evelyn Thornton, one of said concerned parents. “So I have complete confidence he will be safe when we go to Chuck E. Cheese’s for his third birthday party next week. Plus, I fill his pockets with bowling balls so we should be good there.”

Slog on!

North Korea Courts Simon Cowell for Top Job

PINGPYONGYINGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Today, the news from North Korea is that newbie dictator and amateur hipster, Kim Jong-un, may be experiencing health problems, most likely Type II diabetes. While the exact source of information on the impoverished communist nation’s potentially ailing leader is not known, it is widely suspected that it stems from over-indulgence on pork rinds and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. However, with concerns rising that the ailing ego-maniacal brat may not make it too much longer, the world’s busybodies have turned their attention to proposing successors for Jong-un. The Commie Board of Leader Elections – North Korea Edition (CBOLENKE) has intimated others may be more suited for the job, including Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Rutherford B. Hayes, Ariana Grande, and even Simon Cowell. Of this list of top contenders, the smart money is on Cowell to assume the duties of dictator of North Korea with an aim for turning the miserable hellhole nation from “drab to fab” in just five years. Mr. Cowell was unavailable to confirm or deny these rumors, of course, and all decisions would have to be finalized after the current KitKat-chomping autocrat kicks the funky jams eternal and Cowell’s current contract as…

France to Outlaw Cobra Commander Impersonators

PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*. The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week. As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Emmanuel Macron has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to…

Kim Jong-un

Kim Jong-un Reveals Approved Nicknames Book on Late Night Infomercial

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Recently, the Chinese government in Peking banned the use of the term “Fatty” to refer to the North Korean dictator.  Deeming the term to be disrespectful, the Chinese Communists also said that their puppet ruler north of the 38th parallel should not be called any number of weight-enhanced monikers, including, but not limited to: “Chunko”, “El Gordo”, “Lardy”, “Fats”, “Megaflabs”, “Jong-un the Rotund”, and so forth. Given the fact that the prepubescent world leader would probably freak out and nuke China in a confused rage, this was probably more of a preemptive self-defense move on China’s part than an act of state censorship.  Following the lead of his more capable and socially-acceptable fellow travelers, the imperious leader decided to be more proactive, creating a book of “approved nicknames” that the North Koreans and the international community are allowed to use in reference to His Doughy Dudeness. Included in the citizens’ manual entitled Kim Jong-un: Fit to Rule – What You May or May Not Say in Reference To Dear Leader are his many official titles, such as “Marshal of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea”, “First Chairman of the National Defense Commission”, “First Secretary of the…

Trump sings?

Trump Wows Congress With Improvised Ballad

Tuesday night, President Donald J. Trump gave a riveting speech to the joint houses of Congress in Washington, DC.  The president discussed his agenda, condemned his critics, and then burst into an impromptu singing session that lasted for a good seven and half minutes.  The vice president and various select members of the cabinets quickly tuned their instruments and provided a subtle, new jack swing vibe under Trump’s brazen melody. At first, all were shocked that the United States President would attempt to sing during such an auspicious occasion, but then the entire room began to clap and gyrate and sing along.  Politicians, the press, and other selected members of the Washington intelligentsia in attendance were all suitably impressed with The Donald’s crooning, falling easily under his sway as he intoned “…that wall, she’s gonna be a beauty…”, “…I’m working on a deal for that…”, and “…I’ve got a yuge agenda, it’s really, really yuge!” Soundboard operators for the address say they’ve mastered the track, now called “The Big Agenda Boogie” and it’s currently available on iTunes for $0.99.  All proceeds from the sale of the president’s first single will go to the construction of the proposed border wall.