Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – White House Chief of “Staff”, Rahm “Dead Fish” Emmanuel, was outed today by retiring Representative Eric Massa (D-NY), who claims that the Chicago goon confronted him in the Congressional showers to “give him a little poke”. Emmanuel, who is noted for his put-downs of the mentally challenged (Obama and his brother, Easykill, excepted), purple prose-ridden tirades, and being the poor-man’s George Clooney in the looks department, ostensibly confronted Massa about his “No” vote on President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Siddiqui al Nouri Obama’s CommieCare bill, currently stalled in the House of Representatives. However, things took an unexpected twist when Emmanuel decided to start poking Massa with parts unknown.

“The dude was, like, totally naked, man,” said Massa today, recounting the traumatic event. “He came up to me, Barry White playing in the background, and started to poke me while we were both naked in the showers, dude. And I thought he was missing a finger, too. Didn’t seem like it to me at the time!”

Massa then went on to describe the glassy-eyed Emmanuel as “the spawn of Satan”, “pure, unadulterated evil”, and “a pretty poor dancer”. Representative Massa intends to resign from Congress soon, but is thinking of posting the video of the event on YouTube even sooner.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Shrieker of the House, Nancy “Edward” Pelosi gave a lengthy
presentation to those gathered on Capitol Hill today, demonstrating the correct way to
take a drag from a joint. Much like her beloved colleague, Health and Inhuman Services
Secretary Kathleen Sibelius, Speaker Pelosi has taken a hands-on approach to instructing
congressmen how to puff a blunt without looking stupid or without drawing undue
attention from the po-po.

“Marijuana cigarettes are a valuable asset to our Washington-based community,” said the Shrieker.
“Knowing how to properly toke not only saves lives, it creates jobs, heals our environment,
and makes you more popular with black people. So it’s really a win-win-win. But you can’t
go around huffing on it like some kinda Poindexter. Feel me?”

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THE WHITE HOUSE – In a well-choreographed song and dance number today, President Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama, accompanied by a hand-picked group of White House staffers dressed as doctors, make an impassioned plea for Americans sign over the rest of their freedoms to the Omnibenevolent Federal Government of the United States (OFGUS). The three-hour infomercial for Cuba-style medical “treatment” included two mixmasters, three DJs, and a host of back-up dancers dressed as doctors. Dubbed Barry and the Lab Coats, the spellbinding multimedia performance included all of Barack Obama’s hits, including “One Way Or Another”, “Let’s Talk About Me”, “My Way”, “It’s the Same Old Song”, “Money”, and “Would I Lie To You?”.

Those still skeptical about Obamacare should bear in mind that the newly-renewed Patriot Act allows Barry and his Chicago friends to tap your phones, intercept your emails, and make appropriate fashion choices for you, so you might as well get on board now. Rahm Emmanuel’s still up there, guys. He’s got plenty of dead fish. Just sayin’.

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Cash-strapped Los Angeles is pulling out all the stops to raise a little money. Since their city bureaucracies have become a transmogrified visage of responsible governance over the past half century, the Los Angeles City Council(tm) along with its low-calorie, organic counterpart, the Los Angeles City Council Lite(tm) have mandated an unprecedented crackdown on all things unlicensed within their jurisdiction.

The city government of LA have agreed to have two separate groups of public-funded busybodies snoop into the everyday affairs of its victims citizens, looking for dogs without licenses, non-union plumbers, unattended Confidential Informants for the police department, non-certified sandwich artists at Subway restaurants–the works. According to the city’s own ordinances, everyone that owns something or does something in Los Angeles needs to pay a $15 fine to the city to be “authorized”.

For example, Council President Eric Garcetti (no, that’s not a pasta dish) estimates two-thirds of the city’s dogs are unlicensed. Of course, his estimation has often been held in little regard by the other council members, like Ki-Adi Mundi, Plo Koon, and Mace Windu, who consider Garcetti a man with anger issues that might quickly be lead to the Dark Side of the Force(tm).

However, if the city could just get all dogs licensed, projections indicate the greedy, bloated, omnipresent government would scrape together at least an additional $3.6 million in fees. This amount could keep the City Council’s air conditioners running for another six to eight hours this June, when the weather in California is hotter than, say, January. The cost of rounding up all the dogs is estimated to be around $12.3 million.

Interesting Factoid: As a curious and irrelevant aside, the Department of Animal Services in Los Angeles has eight full-time people, six half-time people, and three half-people, whose job is to find and license dogs. They don’t actually service the animals, which is common misconception, by the way. Anyway, if they all left LA on a train, traveling west into the Pacific Ocean at seven hundred miles per hour, who would get the TV rights? OK. Factoid over.

Further, the City Council has agreed to create further bureaucracies, each operating at a dead loss, to track down, harass, and extort money from otherwise law-abiding Angelinos. By the time the effort is complete, the city will be another $300 million further in debt, but at least all those fees will be paid. Ain’t California great, kids?

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DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Agents close to the giant, pulsing disembodied brain that controls the terrorist organization known as “Hamas” have just recently published a press release, stating that the paramilitary Islamic group is creating a help desk to aid aspiring terrorists with their continuing jihad efforts. It is hoped this new group of highly-trained customer care experts, collectively known as the Hamas Help Line, will be a boon to the illiterate throngs of Muslims who can’t not read good and require additional assistance from live telephone operators.

“It’s good to know that, if I have trouble assembling a bomb in my Speedo that Hamas Help Line is there,” said Syed Ahmed Husseini, 13. “Sometimes, I can’t read the diagrams and with one quick call, I know one of our fanatic friends can talk me through the tough stuff.”

In addition to offering assistance with bomb making, Hamas Help Line can also aid aspiring jihadists with picking the right kaffiyeh, field-stripping and re-assembling machine guns, riding surfboards into air craft carriers, publishing pro-death screeds, filming beheadings of GI Joe dolls, reading the happy parts of the Koran, or just making an origami swan now and then.

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WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Milton Hughes is, apparently, a psychological anomaly. Hughes was recommended for mental evaluation following a recent outburst at a local Denny’s, where he called a waitress “Honey”,  forgot to say “Thank you” when his order arrived, and seemingly had the gall to ask for a second pot of coffee. Local authorities were called to scene and, after an evening in lock-up, Hughes was released on his own recognizance if he would submit to a battery of irrelevant ink blot tests.

Fearing he had no choice, Hughes consented. However, the tests, administered by Dr. Ruth Finkleman, a long-time psychologizer and evaluatician of other people’s saneness, found the Rorschach tests “inconclusive”. Dr. Finkleman, who is writing a children’s book about schizophrenia as it relates to popular cartoon characters, couldn’t believe the results at first. Later on, she recanted and said that “disbelief” might have been too harsh a word and she feared for the tests’ mental wellness in light of her insensitive remarks.

“This is so unusual, like, y’know?” said Dr. Finkleman, speaking to our JP! reporter on the scene. “Rorschach tests are the bomb! I, like, can’t believe they were inconclusive! Now, how am I supposed to know if, like, you know, Mr. Hughes is nuts or what? I mean, I think he’s bonkers, but now I can’t prove it!”

Mr. Hughes’ case was ridden, then dismissed.

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WASHINGTON, DC – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has hit upon hard times. His stand-up nights held at White House press gatherings used to be a jovial affair, with Gibbs cracking jokes about how stupid all those working people were and dodging direct questions with sophomoric asides and distractions. However, with the tough times befalling the country and the Democrat Party in particular, a lot of the press “corpse” have ceased to giggle and titter at Gibbs every quip and mispronunciation.

Now, the Peter Griffin look-alike spends most of his days hiding from the press under President Barack Hussein Ali Ackbar Obama’s bed.

“Is it just me or is it dead in here?” said Gibbs, scanning the room for any hint of amusement on the faces of the gathered reporters. “But, seriously, folks. What is it with those bitter clingers, huh? I mean, they’re voting for Republicans and stuff! Can you believe it? Heh heh heh… Something, something Teabaggers! Get it? Teabaggers! Hah hah…. Um. Yeah.”

The chorus of chirping crickets voiced their disapproval of Gibbs’ aging routine as the disgruntled press filed out of the room, muttering to themselves and scratching their heads in disbelief.

“I don’t get it,” said Gibbs, coming off stage, a crease of worry bifurcating his flabby brow. “That material left ‘em rolling in the aisles ten months ago. NOW, I can’t even get Helen Thomas to smile. If she ever did, that is….”

In order to deal with this impending public relations crisis, however, the White House has commissioned a new Comedy Czar to write fresh, humorous material for Gibbs and prehaps supply some Carrot-Top-style props for him to play with on stage. Top strategists, however, are unconvinced the move will bear good results, fearing that Gibbs may just not be that funny any more.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, First Lady Michelle Obama launches an all initiative to combat people that are fat in America. Dubbed the “War on Obesity”, the new campaign flies in the face of traditional liberal claims that there are starving masses lurking on every block in the United States, but the First Lady’s hired crew of pom pon waivers have encouraged her to damn the torpedoes and plow, full-speed ahead. After all, what’s good for the Titanic is good for her husband’s administration, right?

“People are too fat!” said Michelle Obama, standing before a select group of trim and in-shape journalists. “And fat is bad. Barack is skinny. Skinny is good. People should stop eating so that Barack can get something to eat once in a while without having to fly off to New York City or Chicago or Copenhagen or whatever.”

As the journalists cheered enthusiastically and called out for her to do her trademark song, “I Feel Good”, the First Lady continued.

“For months now, I’ve been forced by Rahm and others to keep my mouth shut about this vital issue, but if the attempted panty bombing on Christmas Day has taught us anything, it’s that fat is a national security issue. If we ever hope to be free of terrorism, we must first learn that our eating habits have enraged countless Muslims and other Third Worlders to the point of trying to blow up planes. And that is bad. Very bad. Now, everyone will have to eat beans and ramen and stuff from my front-yard garden or else my husband’s private security force will come and strip-search your grandma for bombs. Anyway, if you are fat, you’ve been put on notice. We’ve requisitioned a whole boxcar load of latex-free examination gloves and we’ll be watching you, you eaters!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack Obama today announced that he was forming a new task force to study global warming. He had to phone in the announcement to Congress, however, since he and they were snowed in due to the massive blizzard in the DC area. However, the president said that, once the plows were up and running again (using fossil fuels, no doubt), that he would get Sarah Palin’s help in assembling a Presidential Sled Dog Team so he could get from the White House to Capitol Hill to make a more formal announcement.

“Let me be clear,” said Obama, picking large hunks of ear wax from his ear, “Global warming is a threat to America. More importantly, it’s a threat to the world. Besides, Al Gore and I both won Nobel Prizes and we both believe it’s going to happen, so who can argue with that, right? Could somebody remotely adjust my thermostat, please? It’s cold in here!”

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NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A large group of homosexuals, dressed in “festive” attire, traveled from near and far to attend the Tea Party Convention today, only to be shocked and surprised at the lack of actual teabaggers present. While they tarried a while, the entire incident was chalked up to one big misunderstanding.

“This is so embarrassing!” said Monty Lawson, a frame shop owner from P Town, Massachusetts. “I came here expecting a drunken orgy where I could tea bag some anonymous people and it turns out, there’s nobody here but stodgy old heterosexual people! What gives?”

Greg “Check Me” Johnson from West Hollywood, California, agreed. “The media really screwed us on this. For the past several months, I kept thinking that tea bagging was going mainstream, y’know? I heard about all those rallies in all those cities and I thought, ‘Yeah! America’s finally coming around! Now I can openly tea bag people on my lawn or at the Post Office or the bus stop if I want to’. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Boy, was I taken in! MSNBC’s got some explaining to do!”

Other homosexual attendees were initially encouraged to hear that Sarah Palin would be at the event, until they learned that it was basically a tax protest.

“You can’t imagine what a drag this has been — no pun intended!” said John Wang, a gay performance artist from Key West, Florida. “When I heard this event was being held at the Gaylord Opry House, I was totally sold and I pawned a couple of my old Air Supply eight tracks to make the trip here. Anyway, long story short: I came looking for some hot love action and all I got was this lousy ‘Hope, Change: Biden 2010‘ t-shirt! I hate you, Keith Olberman!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has announced today that President Obama’s Very “First Ever”* State of the Union Address will be “made available”** to elementary school children all across the nation in the coming weeks on the very popular DVD format. Media types and pundits hailed the move as another historic moment in our country’s narrative, but wondered how the school children of the great “Fly Over Country” would be able to view the Region 2 format of the discs, since they were ostensibly made for members of the UK Parliament, but were refused on arrival by both Labour Party leaders and Torries alike.

“We had to do something with them,” said VPOTUS Joe “Plugs” Biden, taking a break from making fun of paraplegics in Missouri. “Why not give them to the school kids? Then, they can watch Barry utter those eloquent words of his over and over in the privacy of their own bathrooms — I mean classrooms. Sorry, I was thinking of Ken Jenkins there for a second.”

However, while the White House did get the correct region encoding for Europe this time, they failed to anticipate the utter lack of interest on the part of UK government officials. However, marketing gurus have pointed out the DVD does sport a great picture of Obama smiling before his ubiquitous teleprompters while flipping off the Supreme Court Justices on the cover, along with animated menus, anamorphic picture, a transcript of the speech, and another 70 minutes of his speech that wasn’t aired because the camera men and audio guys drifted off to sleep during the lecture speech.

“If we can’t give the people health care, we should at least help them get some sleep,” said Rahm Emmanuel, picking his teeth with a Ka-Bar knife. “And I think, on that level, the address was quite successful. We’re one step closer to curing insomnia once and for all. Hey, have I shown you my missing finger yet?”

* Actually, it was the third time he’s spoken before the joint Houses of Congress.
** “government-school mandated viewing”.

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GOBBLER’S KNOB, PENNSYLVANIA – Today, hordes of devout rodent worshippers from across the known lands made their annual pilgrimage to seek a weather divination from the Lord of Groundhogs, Punxsutawney Phil. Phil, a being of unspeakable furry evil and the titular groundhog of Groundhog Day, slumbers in this small Pennsylvania town, only to be awakened on the same day every year and asked the same mindless question.

As the faithful gathered around the lair of Phil, druids and shamans held hands and chanted, slicing their forearms with ceremonial knives as an offering to the ravenous groundhog deity. Curious onlookers, while mildly repulsed by the gory ceremony, were nevertheless held transfixed by what horrific climax might await them. Their answer came swiftly, suddenly, and without much warning.

With a puff of acrid, sulfuric smoke, the giant, snarling, demonic groundhog appeared, some twenty-seven feet tall, flaring its nostrils and belching greenish-yellow flames from its mouth.

“Who dares disturb my slumber?” roared Phil, gobbling up a hapless druid that had inadvertently invaded his “personal space”.

“It is us, your Worship,” said the remainder of the living, sniveling druids, prostrating themselves and lifting up an over-sized basket of burnt seasonal fruits and vegetables as an offering. “We entreat thee to tell us, will there be more Winter ahead?”

“Yes,” said Phil, eating the offering and five or six more druids. “No leave me alone!”

With that, the massive beast disappeared once again into its lair. The crowd cheered enthusiastically as the clean-up crews stepped forth to remove the little bits of druid that still remained at the ceremonial site.

“That was totally awesome!” said Mandy Singer, a druidic acolyte from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “I hope my skills improve to the point where I can help summon Phil some day. And, if I get eaten by him, so much the better!”

As the crowd dispersed, their thoughts raced ahead to next year. Will the answer be yes or no? They couldn’t wait to find out….

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SOMEWHERE, USA – It has been handed down from On High that the remainder of the month of January shall be called off this year due to lack of interest. Those of you with birthdays from January 23-31, you may celebrate them next year and not age for the next 365 days. Enjoy your special treatment. Also, because January is cold, it will keep well until we need it. If you had something planned, we certainly apologize but calling off the remainder of the month was a decision made by higher ups.

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WHO CARES, WHEREVER – Today, increasingly bad joke Senator Arlen Specter has announced the establishment of the Arlen Specter School for How To Act Like a Lady in his home state of Pennsylvania. Driven by his need to “show them insolent broads” how to act “like a lady”, Specter donned his trademark evening frock and proceeded to demonstrate proper etiquette, table-setting techniques, and his Nanna’s method for perfectly separating eggs with just a pair of pantyhose and a lemon wedge.

“These uppity chicks just don’t respect us aging geezers like they used to,” snarled Specter, who looked amazing in his Liz Claiborne evening wear and three-inch black stiletto heels. “So I’m taking the lead to show these trampy hos like Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Geraldine Ferraro how to conduct themselves in my presence. Grrr! Doesn’t anybody know how to train these women anymore?”

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In a stunning turn of events, the people of the People’s Democratic Republic of Taxachusetts have amazingly elected a man who could pass for a real American. While some think that the voters were confused by the three-person ballot, which featured no other races, issues, or initiatives whatsoever, it more likely that folks in the Bay State were trying to see if Hell really would freeze over. Indeed, it did.

Political mediums, chanelling the spirits of former international community organizers such as Mao Tze Tung, Josef Stalin, and Pol Pot, have verified through ectoplasmic vibrations that the Lord of Darkness, Satan himself, was very displeased with the election results in Massachusetts. Since the lakes of fire and brimstone have been frozen over, Satan has had to buy ample cold-weather gear and a pair of ice skates for the first annual pan-Hell hockey tournament.

“Why, Massachusetts, why?” howled Old Scratch, teeth chattering in his once-hotter-than-blazes abode. “Now I gotta go brew some cocoa!”

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Hoping to build on his resounding successes at the Olympic Committee Meeting and U.N. Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen, President Barack Hussein Obama promised that he would make a last-ditch campaign appearance to bolster the flagging fortunes of Democrat Martha (aka “Marsha”/”Marcia”) Coakley, the Attorney General of the People’s Democratic Republic of Massachusetts. The Coakley campaign reached out to President Obama, using a message coded in Navajo, begging him to come and read a lackluster speech from a teleprompter in front of a hand-picked audience of left-leaning sycophants. The White House responded in Morse Code, confirming that The Great and Holy One would, indeed, grace Marcia’s Martha’s campaign, bringing about certain victory as he did with New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine and Virginia gubernatorial candidate Creigh Deeds late last year.

“Let me be clear,” said President Obama. “When it comes to stumping for candidates who need help, I have an absolutely perfect record. By the time I’m finished, I will have whipped the party faithful into a gran mal frenzy of fervent love and support for me–I mean Marsha. No! Martha. Y’know, that white chick. Anyway, her concession speech should be easy to write, because we’re getting a lot of practice these days at the DNC. Peace! Out!”

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – January 1 came unexpectedly this year, according to top economists, who continue to be surprised by virtually any sort of data whatsoever. These top-rate minds are so narrowly focused on their own issues, apparently, that any sort of input from the outside world has to potential to take them completely unawares.

“It’s totally a shock,” said Dr. Calvin Schulzbarger, who majored in econometrics at Harvard. “I was going along after Christmas this year then: BAM!! the New Year happens a week later. I mean, who could have forseen that?”

However, economists were not alone in their startled reaction to the nascent 2010: party hacks, policy wonks, and sundry university professors across the land were also taken aback.

“Sheesh! I was just getting used to putting ‘2009′ on all my checks and correspondence,” said Prof. Juanita DeBeers, who teaches Womynz Studies and also chairs the Irrelevant Subjects Department at the University of Iowa. “This sudden shift in the calendar year is a feeble attempt on the part of the old white male establishment to continue their dominance over womyn, people of color, and several endangered species in the Amazon rain forest. If I weren’t on the way to my slam poetry contest and the recycling center, I’d stay here and prattle about it some more. Excuse me.”

The White House was also cheesed off by this unforeseen development.

“These darned Tea Partiers will stop at nothing to discredit this president and our agenda,” said White House Spokesweasel Robert Gibbs. “I mean, trying to change the year? Simply shameful. I would have expected a more mature approach from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Leon Trotsky, and the rest of the extreme, howling mad, racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic Right. Say do these glasses make my face look fat?”

Just a heads up from JP: Ground Hog Day is coming soon. Economists, academics, and other assorted intellectuals are hereby put on notice.

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