PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Recently, the Chinese government in Peking banned the use of the term “Fatty” to refer to the North Korean dictator. Deeming the term to be disrespectful, the Chinese Communists also said that their puppet ruler north of the 38th parallel should not be called any number of weight-enhanced monikers, including, but not limited to: “Chunko”, “El Gordo”, “Lardy”, “Fats”, “Megaflabs”, “Jong-un the Rotund”, and so forth. Given the fact that the prepubescent world leader would probably freak out and nuke China in a confused rage, this was probably more of a preemptive self-defense move on China’s part than an act of state censorship. Following the lead of his more capable and socially-acceptable fellow travelers, the imperious leader decided to be more proactive, creating a book of “approved nicknames” that the North Koreans and the international community are allowed to use in reference to His Doughy Dudeness. Included in the citizens’ manual entitled Kim Jong-un: Fit to Rule – What You May or May Not Say in Reference To Dear Leader are his many official titles, such as “Marshal of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea”, “First Chairman of the National Defense Commission”, “First Secretary of the…Slog on!
Tuesday night, President Donald J. Trump gave a riveting speech to the joint houses of Congress in Washington, DC. The president discussed his agenda, condemned his critics, and then burst into an impromptu singing session that lasted for a good seven and half minutes. The vice president and various select members of the cabinets quickly tuned their instruments and provided a subtle, new jack swing vibe under Trump’s brazen melody. At first, all were shocked that the United States President would attempt to sing during such an auspicious occasion, but then the entire room began to clap and gyrate and sing along. Politicians, the press, and other selected members of the Washington intelligentsia in attendance were all suitably impressed with The Donald’s crooning, falling easily under his sway as he intoned “…that wall, she’s gonna be a beauty…”, “…I’m working on a deal for that…”, and “…I’ve got a yuge agenda, it’s really, really yuge!” Soundboard operators for the address say they’ve mastered the track, now called “The Big Agenda Boogie” and it’s currently available on iTunes for $0.99. All proceeds from the sale of the president’s first single will go to the construction of the proposed border wall.