Twitter Me This: Weinerfaces, Part I
Anthony "The Thinker" Weiner
It’s been a few days since the staggering announcement that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) would be resigning from the U.S. Congress amid a sexting scandal. So, now that the dust has settled a little, we thought it would be fun to take a look back at the man who brought so many junior high locker room jokes to the fore of our national consciousness again.
Despite being an arrogant, pedantic and diminutive wart on the rump of the body politic, Weiner never ceased to amaze the lumpen-proletariat with his wide range of facial expressions and pithy phrases. Therefore, it is only fitting that we send off this great statesman with a heart-felt series of photos designed to highlight the many looks of former Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), called “Weinerfaces”.
Resigning due to a self-inflicted public (pubic?) humiliation is nasty business, so we would ask you, gentle reader, to please refrain from sniggering and gaffawing at the plight of poor Tony Weiner–or his name (yes, “Anthony” is kinda funny sounding). Thus, we would ask that you respectfully enjoy this first in a retroactive look at a man who has successfully shot himself in both feet.
Without further ado, then, we present Anthony Weiner’s “The Thinker” pose, showcasing the man’s commitment to mulling over the big ideas. Note the furrowed brow, furtive expression, and creative positioning of the right hand across pursed lips (we are unsure from the photo what the left hand is doing), signifying he is a real bright dude.
JP! Sunday Edition: Warning! The Crazy Cat Lady is REAL!
Apparently, the MBA program at Villanova was far more rigorous than we thought. After nearly two years of holding out, young Debbie finally cracked. Baskets and rainbows not included. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bin Laden Planned To Take Out Traffic Signals
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Today, further intelligence information has been brought to light from Osama bin Laden’s thumb drive, seized during the gutsy assassination operation that culminated in the death of some guy. The files indicate that the former terrorist leader planned to unleash utter chaos throughout the United States by an elaborate 9-11-style attack.
The mission? Fly tiny planes into every single traffic light in every major metropolitan area in the United States. The resulting chaos, Bin Laden reasoned, would lead to multiple car crashes, people being late for work, delivery trucks being gridlocked, and so forth. In short, it would be mass pandemonium and a masterstroke for the Religion of Peace and Quiet™.
The plan called for thousands of tiny planes to be piloted by the most dedicated and diminutive Islamic extremists, which would be obtained by surreptitious raids on hobby store shipments. Each plane would then be loaded with explosive flatulence, set on fire and flown on a one-way kamikaze mission to take out a single intersection.
“Think of all the martyrs we’ll have,” said the poorly-written note, ostensibly penned by OBL himself, “and the calamity that will befall the Great Satan™ when all of their traffic lights go out at once. Then, we will strike, moving in with our slingshots and pointy sticks, taking over their feeble, immoral and corrupt nation to make the world safe for falafel once and for all. Mwahahaha!”
However well-thought-out, the plan never came to fruition thanks to the ultra-courageous call of President Barry Soetoro, who watched from the comfort of his situation room many thousands of miles away. Thanks, Barry. Now we can all get to the unemployment office without further complications in the traffic patterns of America!
We're #13,252,876!
As we prepare to sail past the 400 post mark on this little blog, we want to take a moment to thank everyone who has visited, read our “news” stories, and actually tolerated us for all this time. As such, you, noble readers, are responsible for helping JunkPanic!com become the 13,252,876th highest-ranked web site on Earth!
Yes, you read that right. Our humble little site is now poised to crack the Top 13 Million chart! If you need to pause to let the full scope of this grandeur set in, we’ll wait.
Done? OK!
To celebrate, we will be offering mugs featuring this historic milestone and we will have one of those foam hands with a LOT of fingers made up so you can impress your friends and co-workers with your careless disregard for foam hands. Think of it: over 13.2 million digits! That’s like, a bunch! These items and many more will be available in our gift shop right after Global Warming concludes, so keep those credit cards and checkbooks handy.
Anyway, completely aside from the crass commercial cash-in on our achievements, we’d like to issue a heartfelt thanks and hope that both of you will continue reading as we sally forth into the future, creating nonsense out of news-sense for one and all. Who knows? Maybe someday, we’ll get up to three readers? The sky’s the limit, kids! Go, team JunkPanic!
GOP WeenieWatch - Mitch Daniels, Hoosier Momma
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels (RINO-IN), is prepared to take on President Barack Hussein Obama, the terrorists of the world, the impending global economic crisis, the hordes of illegal immigrants swarming into the country from Mexico, gun rights, his political opponents in the Tea Party, and a myriad of other responsibilities as the next Leader of the Free World™–that is, if his wife will let him.
“I’m tough and I’m the guy for the job,” said Daniels, a McCain wannabe in training. “I promise to appoint judges that will approve random searches of people’s homes without warrants and giggle at all the politically-correct jokes at Washington cocktail gatherings. As President, I won’t be dis-invited as much as I am as a governor of a fly-over state. Of course, all this depends on what my schmoopy says. If she says I can run, I’m definitely the man for the job. I think. Did I get that last part right, honey?”
Biden, Emmanuel Adopt Gary Coleman Impersonator
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Today, with little joy or fanfare, Vice-President Joe “Plugs” Biden and Chicago Mayor Rahm “Gestapo” Emmanuel announced that they had officially adopted a Gary Coleman impersonator named Garrett Woollery. The young man, who had hitherto been a minister, a community activist, a whale rider, and sometime street performer living in a box on North Wacker Drive, was adopted by the couple to add credence to their otherwise fruitless attempts to create a child together.
Mr. Woollery, 27, was thrilled with the arrangement, telling our reporters that a ride in Mr. Emmanuel’s limo’s trunk was the best he had ever been treated by anybody: “Misters Biden and Emmanuel — I mean, Mom and Dad — are the best. I’m glad that I can finally make a contribution to society by being an integral part of their political freak show. Mommy Biden even told me that my shaved head made him feel more confident about his own follicular challenges. Heck, I don’t even mind when Daddy Emmanuel accosts me when I’m taking a shower. They’re really great. Oh, and Daddy needs a casino to balance the budget. Please?”
When asked if he had plans to return to his “career” as a Gary Coleman impersonator, Woollery said “Not really. I kinda like the new-found attention of being the next pilot cast for Two and a Half Men. I think we may have a shot now that Sheen’s out.”
Ahmadinejad's Magic Plays Out
TEHRAN, IRAN – Very soon, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may face recriminations and possible impeachment at the hands of the Ayatollah and several assorted mullahs, according to our sources. While this is good news for the western nations of the world, it may quite possibly forebode a bad end for everyone’s favorite smug evil elf.
Why would Iran ditch such a strident and annoying toady who has single-handedly drug the Islamic nation kicking and screaming into the seventeenth century? The answer is quite simple: witchcraft.
According to our sources on the Arab Street™, Mahmoud employed a number of spells and a secret-y cabal of sorcerers who enabled the diminutive jerk to assume office and maintain a near-hypnotic sway over other world leaders, such as U.S. President Barry Soetoro, Infidel Castro, and thick-headed South American meat puppet Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.
It is asserted by the Iranian Supreme Command with Almonds that Mr. Ahmadinejad did routinely use his wizardly magic to win the $17.89 Iranian lottery on more than one occasion, had a pet cat familiar named Sherman, and was generally ineffective at destroying Israel at the duly appointed time.
The penalty for using sorcery in Iran is severe, often resulting in loss of administrative office. In addition, it may come with any one or more of the following side-effects: withholding of hair gel, headaches, dizziness, nausea, disorientation, reorientation, emasculation, evisceration, sudden loss of limbs, numbness in the eyebrows, heart attack, stroke, hives, stoning, unexplained Mah-moodiness, nervousness, and beheading. It is assumed the same fate will befall Ahmadinejad’s loyal inner circle of spell-casting baddies, but right now nothing has been proven. (Note: Iranian impeachment has not yet been approved by the FDA for state-side use).
Stay tuned to JunkPanic! for all the latest developments. Ask your doctor if sorcery is right for you.
Sewage Diver's Death a Mystery
AKRON, OH – Benny “Dung Diver” Jorgensen, a local celebrity in the Greater Akron metroplex, has died today at the tender age of 37. Noted for his brash personality and devil-may-care attitude, Benny quickly became a phenomenon thanks to his first-of-a-kind sewage diving routine whereby he performed synchronized swimming, cartwheels, and long-lasting headstands that delighted young and old by the bus load. Alas, after three years of taking the plunge, Mr. Jorgensen died of mysterious causes.
“I don’t know what to do now that he’s gone,” sobbed Kendra Jorgensen, Benny’s widow. “He was perfectly healthy up ’til the sepsis set in. Who knew that swimming in sewage was bad for you?”
The closed-casket, grave site funeral ceremony is planned for tomorrow afternoon on a hillside overlooking one of the city’s waste treatment facilities. Rest in peace, Dung Diver. You will be missed.
Sebelius Reveals: Old People May Die Sooner
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, Health & Inhuman Services Secretary Kathleen “KittyKat” Sebelius announced that the GOP plan to reduce the budget was “just plain bad and wrong”. She then went on to describe how, under the Republicans’ proposal, old people would die sooner. She also mentioned that, since they were old to begin with, the elderly would probably die sooner regardless of whose plan was in place.
“The GOP want old people to die,” said the irrepressible Ms. Sebelius, who took time during her pedicure to speak with JP! reporters. “That is just a fact. The lesser known fact is that our death panels will also help old people die, thanks to Obamacare. The real tragedy here is that the Republicans’ plan will allow them to live a while in peace first and never have to face a rationing tribunal. That can’t be allowed to stand.”
Who can argue with that? In other news, no dead Osama photos yet. Stay tuned.
Osama Taken Out by Seals! Seals!
ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – This May Day, the Good Fairy of Communism dispatched a crack squad of Arctic mammals to assassinate noted terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden in his cushy private home in Abbottabad, Pakistan. In the dead of night, the flippered commandos dropped in through skylights in bin Laden’s opium den, blazing a path with machine guns, machetes, and the occasional hurled haddock.
Needless to say, bin Laden was powerless against the cute and furry seals–a weakness that the Good Fairy of Communism was eager to exploit.
“Instead of running for his life, Osama decided to stop and pet the seals, even though it was obvious the critters were armed,” said Mustafa O’Connor, the Islamo-Irish Correspondent for Al Jazeera News. “Seems the bloody killer had a fatal soft spot after all–and I’m not just talking about his head! Hah!”
The body was given a brief Muslim-compliant funeral at sea, rubbed in bacon grease, set on fire and then dumped into the Bay of Pakistan, a fictional body of water designed to throw off future searches for the corpse.
“At last, I’ve done it!” said President Barack Hussein Obama, posing in his favorite golf shirt. “The guy whose name is so close to mine it hurts is finally dead and I was in charge of it. Well, technically I handed command of the operation off to the Good Fairy, but other than that I was responsible. And the Bush-era waterboarding and intel-gathering system. But mostly it was me. Me, me, me, me, me!”
It is expected that the news of Osama’s death will make a lot of non-terrorists around the world happier. The fact that it cut off the end of Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” was just a bonus for the birther doubters out there. In either case, we’re glad that those cute little seals were smart enough and tough enough to take out the FBI’s #1 most wanted bad guy. Way to go, little fellahs!
China Lays Claim To Mars
BEIJING, CHINA – Chinese head chef Hu Jintao has announced today that the People’s Republic of China has laid claim to the planet Mars. Citing the need for “living space” for their shrinking population, the leaders of the Chinese Dietary Command have decided that China should annex the Red Planet for their own nefarious purposes.
“Mars is rich in minerals and stuff,” said Jintao, speaking through an interpreter’s captive family members. “Since minerals belong to the people, and we are the people to which they belong, we hereby annex the planet Mars, which shall henceforth be called Wang Chung. We, the Glorious and Majestic Leaders of the People of China™, shall build a really big rocket ship and take our finest citizens to Mars by the year 3011, whereby we will establish a thousand-year hegemony that will last for a thousand years.”
Upon hearing the news, President Barack Hussein Ali Ackbar Obama said “I think it’s great that the Chinese have taken over Mars–I mean Wang Chung. When they get there, I hope they are courteous and respectful to my parents. Happy May Day, Hu!”
JP! Sunday Edition - Obama Names Easter Bunny "Egg Czar"
WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack Ali Baba Hussein Siddiqui Ul-Haq “No, I’m Really a Christian” Obama/Soetoro/Whatever held a special emergency meeting at the White House today, consulting with the Easter Bunny on various matters related to the United States.
The much-ballyhooed pagan bunny, whose birth certificate is online at www.bunnybirthersbegone.com, advised the president to make sure all the little brats at the annual Easter egg roll “win” and maybe use some Grecian Formula once in awhile to take out some of the creeping gray hairs on Barry’s dome.
As a reward for his frankness and for being “so gosh darn cute”, Obama rewarded the Easter Bunny with an un-vetted post in the United States government–Egg Czar. The position is fully autonomous and paid from the public treasury, allowing the festive furry critter to live large and make all kinds of snap judgment calls on the size, color, quality, and production of eggs through0ut the country. Also, “The Bunny” will occasionally consult with the Obamas on dietary regulations, death panels, vacation hotspots, how to futz around with Mid-Eastern nations’ affairs, and other important issues.
While surprising to no-one, the Easter Bunny joins other dignitaries in Obama’s cavalcade of czars, such as Cupid, Micky the Leprechaun, Santa Claus, Eleanor Roosevelt’s ghost, and that dude that represents Arbor Day.
Man Bursts Into Flames in San Fran Porn Shop
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – A man bursts into flames mysteriously at a pornography shop in San Francisco. Does this really even need a commentary? [Feel free to make up your own 'flamer' or 'hot to trot' jokes on your own time. We're not going to stoop to that level.] The man, whose name has not been released, was taken to hospital, where we hope he will recover.
JP! Sunday Edition
This really is the ultimate in renewable energy, isn’t it? Why didn’t we invent this sooner? Enjoy what’s left of your weekend, folks….
Donna Brazile, Superstar!
WASHINGTON, DC – Anybody who’s anybody is a Democrat in our nation’s capitol these days, and that includes Donna Brazile, a long-time strategist for the party who was instrumental in the Republican rout of Pelosi’s congress last November. One of the many unsung heroes of the progressive left, Ms. Brazile is currently serving the proletariat in the capacity of the Democratic National Committee’s Vice Commissar of Voter Fraud and Intimidation.
She’s a good buddy of the mysteriously dead Ron Brown, an author of her very own soul food cookbook entitled Cooking with Grease, a part-time librarian, a community organizer, social justice advocate, and generally all-around good gal.
Despite her often brash attitude and insufferably loud hate for whitey, Donna Brazile has managed to distinguish herself from the rest of the me-too Democrat herd by figuring something out on her own. Recently, she screeched out something that sounded like “racist, fearful whites are the reason why the Democrat Party doesn’t do better with white people”.
Frankly, we’re surprised no-one else at the DNC figured this out first. Way to go, Donna! We look forward to hearing more of her brilliance in another ten years or so when she finally figures out that she’s a Sagittarius. No further questions, your honor.
Biden Shows Off Air Traffic Controller Skills During Obama Speech
WASHINGTON, DC – During one of the many lulls in Commissar Obama’s pro-socialist, pedantic speech today at George Washington University, Vice-President and Imperial Gopher Joe “Plugs” Biden took opportunity to check his eyelids for holes.
A photographer from ABC News caught the second-in-command taking a brief snooze during the mostly boilerplate Marxist intonations of the president, along with a little old lady (seated behind him) and other nearby attendees.
When asked about it later, Biden replied:
“Bam’s approval numbers are tanking pretty bad these days. As such, it’s always good to keep one’s options open, so to speak. Aviation has always been a pastime of mine, so I thought ‘why not start training now for a job as an air traffic controller?’ I mean, those guys get more sleep than a narcoleptic on Unisom!”
J. Randolph Babbitt, the head of the FAA, in response to a number of its key air traffic control personnel falling asleep on the job, is currently adding dozens of additional nappers to its employment rolls so that it will soon be possible to sleep in two-man teams. When asked about the prospect of hiring Biden, Babbitt replied “Sure. We’d love to have Joe–as long as he doesn’t say anything stupid in his sleep!”
Sorry, Mr. Vice-President. Looks like you’re out of a job at the FAA.
Pawlenty Announces He's Not Quite Running for President
ST. PAULI GIRL, MINNESOTA – Today, forgettable former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty almost announced that he might be willing to run for President of the United States in 2012… maybe. The far-from-fiery former executive of the Land of Lakes appeared in public with his perfectly coiffed hair and trademark smirk to tell a crowd of dozens of his relatives that his Presidential bid is “almost” ready to go.
In other news, a cow was blocking I-35 just south of Minneapolis today, tying up commuters and commercial traffic to and from the Twin Cities. Folks in Minnesota said the cow appeared to be engaged in a one-bovine protest against human cruelty, holding a sign that read “Imagine Hormone Free Humans” and wearing a pink tutu. Well, not really, but it sure was a heck of a lot more interesting than whatever that Pawlenty guy almost did.
Is Your Child's Crotch Safe Enough to Fly?
MIAMI, FLORIDA – The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has come under fire in recent months for their invasive nude body scanners and possibly perverted pat-downs at airports across the land. However, what most Americans don’t understand is that small children, masquerading as kindergarteners, Cub Scouts, and toddlers, may be dangerous anti-Stalinist agents bent on the utter destruction of the United States government in the name of homeschooling and lower taxes.
For this reason, it is imperative that the working classes of the world unite behind the brave public services of the TSA. Without these vital crotch gropings of your three- or four-year-old child, we may be inviting disaster in our nation’s air transportation systems. In fact, Janet “Nappy” Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security and Anal Probing, just released a video entitled “Toddlers of Doom: The Hidden Dangers of Small Children and What You Can Do To Defend Against Them” to all TSA personnel cautioning them on letting children board planes unmolested.
“The diapers of toddlers are excellent hiding places for caustic substances,” warned the narrator on the video. “Be sure to wear double gloves and probe thoroughly before allowing kids to board the plane. If their mothers are hot, be sure to post their nude-body scanner pictures online at www.doyoufeelsafernow.gov so we can all enjoy the benefits of being safer in the skies. Should you suspect that the passengers are Muslims arriving from Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, or Iran, you may allow them and their children to pat themselves down and self-report if they find any explosives on their person.”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the TSA are the heroes here, not intrusive do-what-you’re-told nitwits with a modicum of authority. We wouldn’t want little kids to fly on our planes without undergoing proper “screenings” at the airport first. Preschools, elementary classrooms, and day-care centers are well-known hotbeds of terrorist agitation–especially in America’s “white flight” infested suburbs. Further, nuns and octogenarians should also undergo the same scrutiny for the good of us all. Remember: there is no police state. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Reid, Boehner Wimp Out - Obama Takes Credit
WASHINGTON, DC – After an evening of smoking several packs of cigarettes and meeting with House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry “Pitts” Reid, President Barry Soetoro Obama Whatever announced that a deal had been struck that would avert a much-ballyhooed government shutdown.
The agreement, which was reached in the wee smalls of the morning, involved Harry Reid’s capitulation on ramping up government spending to the moon and John Boehner’s woeful waffling on his campaign pledges to keep spending down and even make a cut or two. Thus, both congresscritters essentially wimped out, drawing sharp criticism from their respective constituents across the nation.
Obama, never missing an opportunity to cash in on the cowardice of others, claimed credit for the $2.50 in net cuts to the nearly $2 trillion federal deficit. A small and short-lived bump in the polls is expected from voters who also take credit for bad decisions.
Los Angeles Prepares To Cut DWP Budget
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – According to a story by Patrick J. McDonnell of the Los Angeles Times, city officials now plan to cut almost a half billion dollars from the Department of Water and Power (DWP) budget this year. Despite the cutbacks, however, Los Angeles officials have assured the water-using public that no reduction in services or rate hikes would follow.
“This will enable us to maintain our customer-service quality as it is today,” said Ron Nichols, general manager of the DWP.
Among the items axed are the popular Christmas lights display at Griffith Park. There will also be a hiring freeze, reductions on nonessential travel and training, and limiting water treatment processing to once a month. (OK, maybe not that last one).
Due to rising fuel costs, new regulations, and labor expenses for over 9,000 employees, the DWP is facing some serious budget pressures. While seemingly sensible to some, these measures have drawn severe criticism from teachers’ unions and other public sector employees organizations, who condemned the budget-trimming measures as “draconian” and “a threat to our childrens’ future”.
Oh well.
