Junk Panic!

LONDON, ENGLAND – When asked why he hadn’t written a real hit song in decades by a member of the English press, the legendary ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney(tm) attempted to flip off said reporter, Brit-style. Only problem? It was the victory sign instead. Apparently, Sir Paul had a few too many mojitos on the flight back to his homeland and, as a result, forgot how to flip people off properly. Either that or he was indicating that he had two hit songs in as many decades. Or, he was saying Jimmy Carter’s killer rabbit was after him. We are unclear on this whole story, really, and Ringo Starr was unavailable for comment. Sorry. We’ll come in again.

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Not even the Dark Lord of the Sith can prevent giant rodents from destroying the Empire! You gots to fear them giant rodents, Palpatine! Fear ‘em!

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In light of the passing of the irrepressible and indomitable John “Effing” Kerry, a local taxidermist shop in Boston has had the long-time legislator frozen in an “action pose” in accordance with the late senator’s last will and testament. The pose, which family members, artists, and other befuddled onlookers have called “the bewildered thinker” was used rather than Kerry’s more infamous “Blue Steel” or “Magnum” looks.

“This is just so awful,” sniffed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger, impersonating Zsa-Zsa Gabor. “One moment he was just sitting there talking in his lifeless way and then he was just… lifeless. It took me three weeks to notice! I’m so ashamed. Now, I’m going to have to go shopping to overcome my grief.”

The preserved corpse of the former junior senator from the Bay State will be on display at the Commonwealth Museum through the month of December, after which, it will be moved to a broom closet in Chuck Shumer’s Alpine villa, where it truly belongs.

UPDATE: It appears John Kerry isn’t dead after all. He was just stymied again. Our bad. We especially regret any inconvenience this story may have caused the formerly widowed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger. We’ll send you a case of ketchup, ok?

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Hilarious School Answering Machine – Watch more Funny Videos

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SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND – Here at JP!, we value the opinions of all, especially literary masters such as J. R. R. Tolkien. It seems, the late Mr. Tolkien was more prescient than even we had believed, as is evidenced by this snippet from the Lord of the Rings, where he aptly writes the following:

“Those who listened unwarily to that voice could seldom report the words that they heard; and if they did, they wondered, for little power remained in them. Mostly they remembered only that it was a delight to hear the voice speaking, all that it said seemed wise and reasonable, and desire awoke in them by swift agreement to seem wise themselves.

When others spoke they seemed harsh and uncouth by contrast; and if they gainsaid the voice, anger was kindled in the hearts of those under the spell.

For some the spell lasted only while the voice spoke to them, and when it spake to another they smiled, as men do who see through a juggler’s trick while others gape at it.

For many the sound of the voice alone was enough to hold them enthralled; but for those whom it conquered the spell endured when they were far away, and ever they heard that soft voice whispering and urging them.”

Sounds like Obama and his thralls to us. Thanks, Mr. Tolkien. For everything.

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HONOLULU, HAWAII – As New Yorkers debate the need and purpose of having a giant mosque built at Ground Zero, the State of Hawaii has secretly been debating a similar issue: whether or not to build a shrine to the late Japanese Emperor Hirohito at Pearl Harbor. While it may be controversial to some, Hawaii is merely following the lead of New York in showing America’s multicultural and religious sensitivity to the world.

“When you think about it, the mosque and the shrine to Hirohito would make excellent geographical and philosophical bookends,” said former Hawaii Governor Joseph Poindexter. “After all, the late, great President Franklin D. Roosevelt ruthlessly put Japanese-Americans in internment camps during World War II. That really wasn’t very nice and we should make restitution to them in some small way. We feel that, if approved, this Hirohito national landmark, honoring the earth-bound deity of the Japanese Emperor, would mend a lot of fences that we insensitive white people have broken with all the little colored peoples of the world.”

If the Shrine to Hirohito goes well, the State of Texas may well consider a National General Santa Ana Museum near the site of the Alamo. It would be roughly the size of the state of Hawaii.

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PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*.

The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week.

As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Nicholas Sarkozy has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to free France from those who spent too much time watching old cartoons in the 1980s.

*Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, or so we have heard.

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HOUSTON, TEXAS – Today, the Head Guy at NASA(tm) announced that the formerly relevant space exploration outfit was launching a new initiative to get young Muslims more interested in space.

“Since President Obama’s cancellation of the Mars mission, we’ve kind of been at a loss for what to say or do,” said the Head Guy at NASA(tm). “We still had all these government funds, though, and we needed to spend them somehow so we can get more funding next year. So, we got our heads together and figured out the best way to spend money for the space program: Islamic outreach.”

Indeed, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration has launched a new initiative, whereby people on the International Space Station of Love(tm) will periodically prepare and eat falafels during the meal breaks on their missions. Space-based scientists aboard the ISSoL are also strongly encouraged to build dioramas of Muslim villages and mosques using spare parts from the research lab and the photovoltaic power arrays on a bi-weekly basis. Videos of astronauts’ Muslim-inspired arts and crafts sessions will be broadcast live on Al Jazeera for the edu-tainment of Islamic folks all across the globe.

“By eating a traditionally Arabic food, such as falafel, hummus, or fattoush, astronauts from non-Muslim nations (that would be all of them), can show some kind of New Age-y solidarity with practitioners of the Religion of Peace(tm). In this way, we feel NASA can contribute to the low self-esteem of Islamic peoples around the world, who really haven’t done much in the way of rocketry or space exploration,” said President Barack Obama. “I have every confidence that the Head Guy at NASA(tm) will make this innovative Falafels from Space program a success.”

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Best Caption Wins. Have a lovely Sunday!

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WASHINGTON, DC – During a series of brief meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. President Barack Hussein Soetoro prattled on about how strong the relationship between the United States and Israel is–especially under his “leadership”. Among some of his incessant monotone drivel were weak platitudes about the “historic nature” of the bond between the nations and how the U.S. has “got Israel’s back” if bad things happen in the Middle East. Yeah. Like that would ever happen.

“I think the relationship between our countries is strong enough now that we can start attacking other people,” said President Obama from the Yellow Oval Room of the White House. “If Israel needs to take it to Iran, for example, that’s okay by me. I mean, it’s Israel’s duty to clean up the messes that I helped create, right? Sure, we could have helped topple Ahmadinejad after that sham of an election in Iran, but I chose to sit and spin instead. Now, the entire region is imperiled to the point that the UAE, Saudi Arabia, and others are insisting that Israel nuke their Muslim brothers to prevent total nightmare. Oh, hey, Bibi! Bring me a beer, would you? I feel another cop-professor-President summit comin’ on!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Following a press conference wherein U.S. Attorney General, Eric “Cleveland” Holder was quoted as saying “I think voter intimidation is OK if the New Black Panthers(tm) do it”, the nation’s top law enforcement officer’s neck sprouted wings, lifting his head off his shoulders entirely.

Members of the press stood agog as the disembodied head of Eric Holder flapped around the room, menacing reporters, camera men (and women!), cocktail waitresses, illegal immigration lobbyists, and just about everyone. While it swooped and soared overhead, Mr. Holder kept repeating “Post hoc ergo propter hoc! Campus non mentis! Pax Romana!” and other obscure Latin phrases.

Finally, after about ten minutes, the head landed, re-attaching itself to the Attorney General’s body and everything returned to normal.

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PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA – In accordance with a new missive from the titular head of the New Black Panthers(tm), Minister King Samir Shabazz, radical, socialist-leaning black folks all across the United States have recently started hijacking truckloads of Saltines and destroying them on the roadsides, highways, and byways of the nation. The reason? Simple. According to Shabazz (who has an inequitable number of “z”s in his name), destroying crackers will bring about freedom.

Addressing nobody in particular, Shabazz recently ranted “You want freedom? You’re gonna have to kill some crackers! You’re gonna have to kill some of their babies!”

While it remains unclear how salted snacks reproduce, the basic game plan seems self-explanatory: no crackers, know peace. However, some in the New Black Panthers(tm) have raised points of clarification, asking whether it was just Saltines or if other types of crackers should be included in the snackicidal push for freedom.

“I really respect Minister Shabazz, especially since he added the second ‘z’ to the end of his name. That’s dope,” said Antoine “Kool-Aid” Al Farooqi, a loyal member of the New Black Panthers(tm). “But I needs to know if we just killin’ white crackers or what. I mean, they’s all kind o’ crackers out there: zweibacks, multi-grain, Melba toast, sesame seed, stone ground, you name it. Do we kills ‘em all or just the white ones, like Saltines?”

The answer to these issues may never be answered, as Minister Shabazzz, who recently added a third ‘z’ to his pseudo-Islamic moniker to up his coolness factor, could not be reached for comment. Stay tuned to JP! for the latest developments on this controversial issue.

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Here at JunkPanic!, we don’t run around all over the world apologizing for our country. We believe the United States of America is the greatest nation in the history of the world and we’re not going to apologize for that. So, as millions of Americans take time to visit with friends and family this Independence Day, we encourage everyone to pause and reflect about how blessed we all are to live here in the U.S.A. (still!). So, God bless America and happy Fourth of July to everyone from all of us here at JP!

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Our legendary leader, Hoss Varad, has had a serious think-piece posted on the American Thinker site today about the self-defeating “logic” of the Cloward-Piven strategy. Click here to check it out!

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To celebrate three hundred (300) posts of utter mayhem, we proudly inflict this picture on you, our loyal reader. Yes, reader. Singular. That’s not a typo. Anyways, enjoy Mr. Mascara and his amazing stretchy moobs!

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In a rally in favor of the Mosque at Ground Zero(tm), practitioners of the Religion of Peace(tm) have gathered to show their love and compassion for everything in the world…. except juice. Protesters who are sick and tired of drinking veggies and fruit have finally voiced their displeasure, calling for an end to all juice.

Crudely-made signs were held aloft, coupled with chants of “Hey, hey, ho, ho – fruity juice has got to go!” echoing through the concrete canyons of the Big Apple, which ironically, can be made into juice.

“Juice is bad!” shouted Ibrahim Al-Maktoum, a life-long goat milk advocate from nearby Yonkers. “All the filthy, stinking juice should be eliminated from the Middle East, Brooklyn, Florida, and other places where it can be found!”

The Juice Growers of America have raised concerns over possible hate speech involved, but Muslim lawyers in some other sandy country said the demonstrators were merely expressing their inner culinary tastes. However, many Islamic nations have joined the cause, calling for the speedy destruction of all juice, as well as the nation of Israel, which apparently, has a very good supply of juice.

“There is too much juice in Israel,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, smirkin’ like a gherkin. “Islamic peoples of the world are sick of evil juice and we will not rest until everyone is drinking coffee, tea, or goat milk. Boo to the juice!”

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WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Not everything in America is going to crap during the Obama Presidency. At least not according to Les Gunderson, a life-long West Chester resident. Gunderson, who had terminal lymphoma and was confined to his home for the past several years due to other medical conditions, suddenly started feeling better last Thursday while watching re-runs of the President’s lasted excursion to the golf course.

“It was a very strange feeling,” said Gunderson, recalling the miraculous day. “I was just watching President Obama struggling to get back down to fifty under par on the seventh hole and the words just popped into my head ‘yes, you can’. I thought it was just a bit of undigested beef or something, but then I heard it again louder, along with ‘touch your TV’. So I did. And I was healed!”

Indeed, after further medical evaluation, Les was cleared of all previously-existing medical conditions and given a clean bill of health from his family’s doctor.

“Just think! I can go back to playing rugby again!” said an elated Gunderson to our JP! reporters on the scene. “And I owe it all to President Obama’s playing golf! I sure do feel better now!”

However, Mr. Gunderson was not alone. Reports have been coming in from all over the country, saying other long-time Democrats have been similarly healed by Obama’s 300-stroke golf games on TV. Surely, with such miraculous healings occurring all across the land, the President should continue to golf before turning his attention to petty ecological disasters in the southern part of fly-over country.

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HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (OR WHEREVER) – “Actress/Singer” Miley Cyrus, daughter of one-hit wonder Billy Ray Cyrus, has come under some scrutiny lately for her rapidly deteriorating image as a wholesome role model for young girls. Various internet photos have been leaked of Ms. Cyrus in various stages of undress, many ostensibly taken by Miley herself. Of course, the pole dancing routines, street walking, and “Make Me An Offer” tattoo on her cleavage haven’t done much to prolong her image as wholesome family entertainment, either.

The latest source of brouhaha centered around the former Hannah Montana star involves her latest album, I Can’t Be Tamed, and associated music videos, where she is apparently slutting it up like her predecessors, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and Mae West (that last one’s for the older folks in the crowd). These allegations have apparently struck a nerve with Miley, who has come forward to defend herself.

“I am not slutty!” said Ms. Cyrus in a recent interview. “I can flash my body parts around in public if I want to. It’s a free country. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m doing my own thing. Just like everybody else.”

A spokesperson for Miley Cyrus has added to her comments, stating the seventeen-year-old is not projecting an image of a typical trampy ho. Rather, she is presenting an alternative vision of wholesomeness for the public’s careful consideration. The fact that she cannot sing or act or dance should not be used as an excuse to make light of her career choices or to cast aspersions upon her deeply-held, core family values. The spokesperson went on to add that lap dances from Ms. Cyrus will be available for backstage pass holders during Miley’s upcoming “Me So Raunchy! Tour”.

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