Junk Panic!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Today, in a candid interview with the high-heeled linebacker club known collectively as the cast of The View, President Barack Hussein Obama showed his slightly less feminine side as he joked, cavorted, and cracked wise during the program’s taping today.

When asked difficult questions about his racial background, Obama seemed flustered for a bit before he responded that blacks were a mongrel people–a statement that was sure to warm the cockles of every African-American’s heart from sea to shining sea.

“So I guess, in a way, you could say, I’m a mongrel, too,” said Obama sheepishly. “I’m a Mongrolian.”

Despite the boost of estrogen provided to the show by the president’s appearance there, these comments and others seemed to have stirred up more controversy for the increasingly unpopular president. Perhaps he’ll do better when he insults other ethnic groups at his upcoming guest judge spot on Iron Chef America.

“I know I’ll be safer there,” said Barack Hussein after today’s taping. “Michelle doesn’t like cooking shows.”

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LONDON, ENGLAND – When asked why he hadn’t written a real hit song in decades by a member of the English press, the legendary ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney(tm) attempted to flip off said reporter, Brit-style. Only problem? It was the victory sign instead. Apparently, Sir Paul had a few too many mojitos on the flight back to his homeland and, as a result, forgot how to flip people off properly. Either that or he was indicating that he had two hit songs in as many decades. Or, he was saying Jimmy Carter’s killer rabbit was after him. We are unclear on this whole story, really, and Ringo Starr was unavailable for comment. Sorry. We’ll come in again.

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HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (OR WHEREVER) – “Actress/Singer” Miley Cyrus, daughter of one-hit wonder Billy Ray Cyrus, has come under some scrutiny lately for her rapidly deteriorating image as a wholesome role model for young girls. Various internet photos have been leaked of Ms. Cyrus in various stages of undress, many ostensibly taken by Miley herself. Of course, the pole dancing routines, street walking, and “Make Me An Offer” tattoo on her cleavage haven’t done much to prolong her image as wholesome family entertainment, either.

The latest source of brouhaha centered around the former Hannah Montana star involves her latest album, I Can’t Be Tamed, and associated music videos, where she is apparently slutting it up like her predecessors, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and Mae West (that last one’s for the older folks in the crowd). These allegations have apparently struck a nerve with Miley, who has come forward to defend herself.

“I am not slutty!” said Ms. Cyrus in a recent interview. “I can flash my body parts around in public if I want to. It’s a free country. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m doing my own thing. Just like everybody else.”

A spokesperson for Miley Cyrus has added to her comments, stating the seventeen-year-old is not projecting an image of a typical trampy ho. Rather, she is presenting an alternative vision of wholesomeness for the public’s careful consideration. The fact that she cannot sing or act or dance should not be used as an excuse to make light of her career choices or to cast aspersions upon her deeply-held, core family values. The spokesperson went on to add that lap dances from Ms. Cyrus will be available for backstage pass holders during Miley’s upcoming “Me So Raunchy! Tour”.

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Upon hearing the sad news that anti-Jewish bigot Helen Thomas was retiring after a mere 113 years in the White House Press Corpse, hundreds of Islamic jihadists took to the streets of Manhattan to hold a candlelight vigil in honor of their fallen heroine. Dressed in their traditional, flowing garb, Muslims of all ages clasped hands and swayed in the moonlight, singing traditional love songs and ballads of the Islamic faith.

“This is a very sad day for Islam,” said Safiyya Ul Haq, finishing off her ham and cheese sandwich. “Mrs. Thomas has long been a supporter of the Palestinian peoples, who only fire their rockets at Israeli children out of a deep desire for peace. Why couldn’t the American pigs have just taken her advice and helped the Jewish scum to evacuate the homeland of the poor, defenseless, peace-loving Palestinian people?”

Other attendees shared Ms. Ul Haq’s attitude and love of chili cheese fries.

“Why can’t they just go back to Germany and Poland? I hear the weather is nice there this time of year,” said Gulam al Siddiqui Rehman, operator of a roadside mosque in Queens. “Mrs. Thomas was only trying to help out. Anyway, this vigil will help raise awareness for something and that’s why I’m here. Have you heard about the mosque we’re building at ground zero? That’s going to be so cool!”

The vigil went on for a few more hours, culminating in the burning of King David in effigy. Shouts of “Allahu Ackbar” and “death to the Jewish pigs!” echoed lovingly into the night sky as the participants in the vigil for Mrs. Thomas dispersed to their homes.

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“Be sure not to focus much on Harry, OK?”

DESERT DOOM, NV – Seeing that his bid for re-election is in serious jeopardy, Senate Majority Leader Harry “Pitts” Reid called in a true professional for a total, last-minute, emergency image makeover: First Lady Michelle Obama.

Known for her ability to brighten up a room with her gracious smile and effervescent charms, Mrs. Obama gladly answered the call by donning the most retina-searing get-up possible and jumping the first publicly-funded flight out of DC to Desert Doom, Nevada, to help. Upon arriving, she and Mr. Reid played a game of patty-cake in the desert for about six or seven minutes before Harry forgot where he was and Michelle stormed off to the plane to fly away.

“At this point, I don’t even know who my opponent is going to be,” said Reid. “There are so many people polling better than I am, I kinda lose track of who they all are. Hell! I’m likely to vote for one of them myself. Anyway, Limbaugh is evil and everyone should be happy about their Soviet-style medical system that we’ve installed. Vote for me!”

Since no-one was present to witness this except the pilot who took the picture, it is unclear whether or not this will give Senator Reid a bump in the polls. Nevertheless, the entire event was deemed a success.

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LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA – Students from the McNeese State University School of the Arts ventured down to Holly Beach, Louisiana today to stage a protest against the ongoing oil spill clean-up efforts. Despite President Obama’s immediate and compassionate response to the burgeoning ecological disaster, many in Louisiana feel that the gushing oil gives the otherwise brackish waters of the Gulf of Mexico a high-gloss sheen that is “pretty” and “artistic”.

“The government just has no sense of style,” said Martin Roubideaux, a seventh-year senior at MSU. “When the sun hits the water just right, you can see a panoply of colors erupt from surface like a neon fractal. It’s magnificent! Now, they want to take that all away and that just flat-out sucks!”

When confronted with the impact on the Louisiana economy and the supply of fresh fish and shrimps from the Gulf, another student retorted “Beauty trumps seafood.”

The loose-knit, highly-chaotic group plan to take their protests to the capital city of Baton Rouge and, eventually, Washington, DC, later on. That is, if they can sell enough artwork to raise the money to travel. In the meantime, they have encouraged other aesthetically-minded Americans to “enjoy the colors” that the spill provides.

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Thousands of illegals took to the streets of Los Angeles today, hoisting pro Socialist International banners and pictures of the omni-benevolent Che Guevara. The purpose? To protest perceived injustices in the United States. Choosing May Day, a flagrantly Communist occasion to voice their grievances, was somewhat of a masterstroke for Raul “Not That Raul” Castro, a self-styled “barrio organizer” and Saul Alinsky acolyte, who managed the entire event online from his home in Malibu.

Speaking through an interpreter, Castro addressed the crowd in his native English:

“You guys are really smelly! But more importantly, you are really mad! And I don’t blame you! Anyway, thanks for coming out today. Please see my associates at the table over there in order to get your free 32 oz. soft drink vouchers.”

Castro then went on to present the group’s reasons for further screwing up the traffic patterns in LA: “We Latinos are fed up, you know? We come to America for a better life and what do we get? Blatant racism, blatant capitalism, and blatant blatantism. For starters, the streets are too clean. This alienates many Mexicans almost immediately. Second, American beer names were too hard to pronounce for native Spanish speakers. Third, many of our people have unreliable cable channels and have to rely on regular TV some times. Fourth, Arizona stinks. How dare they enforce their laws? Fifth, the food in America is way too bland! And finally, where are the open drug cartel shootouts in the street? All this lack of shootings and kidnappings is really disorienting for most of us marching here today.”

Castro then went on to say that life in Mexico was a lot better, but it was just too far south for many illegals to walk home. Then, the protest dispersed for a well-deserved siesta.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, the Omnipotent Leader of the Known Universe, the Most Exalted President Barack Hussein Obama, claimed that people of the United States should be thanking him for basically bankrupting the country. With his usual BBC travelogue voice-over delivery, he intoned that the beleaguered American middle class really had it good with his policies and that each person in the country should be offering to clean The White House with their tongues as a show of gratitude for his benevolence.

In response, hundreds of thousands of supporters rallied around the country, bringing out their hand-painted signs, their children, and their copies of the Communist Manifesto, to cheer and rally around Obama’s agenda of taking over everything in the country.

The news media were dutifully on hand at more than half a dozen such events scattered across the fruited plain to report on the festive proceedings, noting the variety of poorly-spelled signs, mis-matched outfits, and other superficial twaddle that passes for good, solid news reporting these days.

“We love taxes,” said one rallier, dressed in his Che Guevara garb. “And internment camps. Those are great, too!”

Placards at several of the massive pro-socialist demonstrations were also kind of fun to read. Some of the more notable ones:  “Tread on Me”, “Not Taxed Enough Already”, “I (Heart) Big Brother”, “Socialism: It’s Mostly Social, Not So Much ‘Ism’”, “Is It April 15th Yet?”, “Take My Stuff To Its Rightful Owners!”, “Please Tell Me What To Do”, and “Spend My Earnings Wisely”.

Next year’s rallies promise to be even larger, since the cost of living is expected to increase due to devaluation of the dollar, a possible Cap & Trade tax hike, and the implementation of a European-style VAT. American citizens, who love not going to the movies, taking vacations, or sending their kids to college, are expected to respond in kind, demonstrating an even greater outpouring of affection for President Obama’s inevitable tax hikes.

“Really, I don’t get why he hasn’t just raised taxes to 100% already,” said Harris Lund, a 9-11 Truther and former Air America talk show host. “I mean, if 50% or more feels this good, why not crank the pleasure-ometer up to the max?”

“Why should the rich have all the fun?” said Paul A. Smith, a tax accountant and former go-go dancer from Nevada. “I used to think that soaking them would help things along in this country, but now that I’ve had my taxes increased, I feel so alive! I want more, more, more of my income to go to noteworthy government projects!”

“There’s nothing like having your wages forcibly taken and given to a bunch of the President’s political cronies,” said Amanda Lipscombe, age 13, a prostitute and aerobics instructor from East Los Angeles, California. As she continued smoking her cigarette, she said “I wouldn’t know what to do with all that cash, anyway. I mean, what do I know about my own wants and needs that the government doesn’t? They’re smarter, too. They went to Harvard and stuff.”

Our reporters on the scenes noted there was a palpable tinge of excitement in the air, hoping that the U.S. federal government would inflict even higher taxes on everyone by this time next year. By next April 15, the rallies thanking the President should be even larger.

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BURBANK, CALIFORNIA – In order to shore up it’s seemingly perennially beleaguered late night talk show, NBC announced today that it will be moving to an all-new format of “host for a year”. This new, dynamic formula, crafted by the finest minds in late night television broadcasting, is the result of the staggering success of Conan O’Brien, who hosted the popular “Tonight Show” for about six months or so, then, the return of Jay Leno, who also had his own show for a little bit.

Needless to say, the off-set hi jinks were far more entertaining than the material created by the shows’ respective writers. Now, the network big wigs have finally struck what amounts to TV gold: why not have other, liberal, unfunny hosts on for a little bit of time each? It could be like soup of the day, only with with hosts and longer periods of time!

“This is the opportunity of a lifetime!” said Mort Bergman, an exec at NBC who changed his name for the purposes of our interview. “Imagine who all we could get: Michael Moore, Bill Maher, Helen Hunt, Larry King, Tim Robbins, and even big-time celebrities like Hillary Rodham Clinton! We can hardly wait and, frankly, the availability of some of these talents is increasing daily. We’ll have our pick of the has-been litter!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama, the Most Merciful and Beneficent, announced that his entire Health Care Reform effort was really just a practical joke. The President and Vice-Hairplug Joe Biden whooped and cackled, clapping each other on the back and generally mugging it up for the press.

“You should have seen the look on your faces!” hooted Obama, holding his sides. “You were all like… ‘this is the end of America’ and ‘we can’t afford this’ and ‘oh no you didn’t’. Psych! Got cha!”

Biden confirmed Obama’s assessment between peels of laughter. “You folks gotta admit you didn’t see this coming at all! I mean, seriously — we can’t afford this at all. Barry and I are submitting our resumes to Kenya to see if Odinga will hire us next year. The budget’s that tight, kids! Hahaha!”

“There’s too much gloom and doom in America today,” said President Soetoro, still snickering. “We thought this would be the best way to get everybody’s mind off not having a job and laugh a little. Hopefully, they’ll see the humor in what we’ve done over the past year or so. It’s pretty funny, we think.”

After a few moments of stunned silence, the press “corpse” decided to laugh along, giving each other nervous and furtive glances all the while.

One journalist quipped “That was a pretty good gag. Too bad the administration couldn’t have saved the signing ceremony for April Fool’s Day, though. That would have been totally righteous!”

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THE WHITE HOUSE – In a well-choreographed song and dance number today, President Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama, accompanied by a hand-picked group of White House staffers dressed as doctors, make an impassioned plea for Americans sign over the rest of their freedoms to the Omnibenevolent Federal Government of the United States (OFGUS). The three-hour infomercial for Cuba-style medical “treatment” included two mixmasters, three DJs, and a host of back-up dancers dressed as doctors. Dubbed Barry and the Lab Coats, the spellbinding multimedia performance included all of Barack Obama’s hits, including “One Way Or Another”, “Let’s Talk About Me”, “My Way”, “It’s the Same Old Song”, “Money”, and “Would I Lie To You?”.

Those still skeptical about Obamacare should bear in mind that the newly-renewed Patriot Act allows Barry and his Chicago friends to tap your phones, intercept your emails, and make appropriate fashion choices for you, so you might as well get on board now. Rahm Emmanuel’s still up there, guys. He’s got plenty of dead fish. Just sayin’.

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DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Agents close to the giant, pulsing disembodied brain that controls the terrorist organization known as “Hamas” have just recently published a press release, stating that the paramilitary Islamic group is creating a help desk to aid aspiring terrorists with their continuing jihad efforts. It is hoped this new group of highly-trained customer care experts, collectively known as the Hamas Help Line, will be a boon to the illiterate throngs of Muslims who can’t not read good and require additional assistance from live telephone operators.

“It’s good to know that, if I have trouble assembling a bomb in my Speedo that Hamas Help Line is there,” said Syed Ahmed Husseini, 13. “Sometimes, I can’t read the diagrams and with one quick call, I know one of our fanatic friends can talk me through the tough stuff.”

In addition to offering assistance with bomb making, Hamas Help Line can also aid aspiring jihadists with picking the right kaffiyeh, field-stripping and re-assembling machine guns, riding surfboards into air craft carriers, publishing pro-death screeds, filming beheadings of GI Joe dolls, reading the happy parts of the Koran, or just making an origami swan now and then.

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WASHINGTON, DC – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has hit upon hard times. His stand-up nights held at White House press gatherings used to be a jovial affair, with Gibbs cracking jokes about how stupid all those working people were and dodging direct questions with sophomoric asides and distractions. However, with the tough times befalling the country and the Democrat Party in particular, a lot of the press “corpse” have ceased to giggle and titter at Gibbs every quip and mispronunciation.

Now, the Peter Griffin look-alike spends most of his days hiding from the press under President Barack Hussein Ali Ackbar Obama’s bed.

“Is it just me or is it dead in here?” said Gibbs, scanning the room for any hint of amusement on the faces of the gathered reporters. “But, seriously, folks. What is it with those bitter clingers, huh? I mean, they’re voting for Republicans and stuff! Can you believe it? Heh heh heh… Something, something Teabaggers! Get it? Teabaggers! Hah hah…. Um. Yeah.”

The chorus of chirping crickets voiced their disapproval of Gibbs’ aging routine as the disgruntled press filed out of the room, muttering to themselves and scratching their heads in disbelief.

“I don’t get it,” said Gibbs, coming off stage, a crease of worry bifurcating his flabby brow. “That material left ‘em rolling in the aisles ten months ago. NOW, I can’t even get Helen Thomas to smile. If she ever did, that is….”

In order to deal with this impending public relations crisis, however, the White House has commissioned a new Comedy Czar to write fresh, humorous material for Gibbs and prehaps supply some Carrot-Top-style props for him to play with on stage. Top strategists, however, are unconvinced the move will bear good results, fearing that Gibbs may just not be that funny any more.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, First Lady Michelle Obama launches an all initiative to combat people that are fat in America. Dubbed the “War on Obesity”, the new campaign flies in the face of traditional liberal claims that there are starving masses lurking on every block in the United States, but the First Lady’s hired crew of pom pon waivers have encouraged her to damn the torpedoes and plow, full-speed ahead. After all, what’s good for the Titanic is good for her husband’s administration, right?

“People are too fat!” said Michelle Obama, standing before a select group of trim and in-shape journalists. “And fat is bad. Barack is skinny. Skinny is good. People should stop eating so that Barack can get something to eat once in a while without having to fly off to New York City or Chicago or Copenhagen or whatever.”

As the journalists cheered enthusiastically and called out for her to do her trademark song, “I Feel Good”, the First Lady continued.

“For months now, I’ve been forced by Rahm and others to keep my mouth shut about this vital issue, but if the attempted panty bombing on Christmas Day has taught us anything, it’s that fat is a national security issue. If we ever hope to be free of terrorism, we must first learn that our eating habits have enraged countless Muslims and other Third Worlders to the point of trying to blow up planes. And that is bad. Very bad. Now, everyone will have to eat beans and ramen and stuff from my front-yard garden or else my husband’s private security force will come and strip-search your grandma for bombs. Anyway, if you are fat, you’ve been put on notice. We’ve requisitioned a whole boxcar load of latex-free examination gloves and we’ll be watching you, you eaters!”

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NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A large group of homosexuals, dressed in “festive” attire, traveled from near and far to attend the Tea Party Convention today, only to be shocked and surprised at the lack of actual teabaggers present. While they tarried a while, the entire incident was chalked up to one big misunderstanding.

“This is so embarrassing!” said Monty Lawson, a frame shop owner from P Town, Massachusetts. “I came here expecting a drunken orgy where I could tea bag some anonymous people and it turns out, there’s nobody here but stodgy old heterosexual people! What gives?”

Greg “Check Me” Johnson from West Hollywood, California, agreed. “The media really screwed us on this. For the past several months, I kept thinking that tea bagging was going mainstream, y’know? I heard about all those rallies in all those cities and I thought, ‘Yeah! America’s finally coming around! Now I can openly tea bag people on my lawn or at the Post Office or the bus stop if I want to’. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Boy, was I taken in! MSNBC’s got some explaining to do!”

Other homosexual attendees were initially encouraged to hear that Sarah Palin would be at the event, until they learned that it was basically a tax protest.

“You can’t imagine what a drag this has been — no pun intended!” said John Wang, a gay performance artist from Key West, Florida. “When I heard this event was being held at the Gaylord Opry House, I was totally sold and I pawned a couple of my old Air Supply eight tracks to make the trip here. Anyway, long story short: I came looking for some hot love action and all I got was this lousy ‘Hope, Change: Biden 2010‘ t-shirt! I hate you, Keith Olberman!”

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WHO CARES, WHEREVER – Today, increasingly bad joke Senator Arlen Specter has announced the establishment of the Arlen Specter School for How To Act Like a Lady in his home state of Pennsylvania. Driven by his need to “show them insolent broads” how to act “like a lady”, Specter donned his trademark evening frock and proceeded to demonstrate proper etiquette, table-setting techniques, and his Nanna’s method for perfectly separating eggs with just a pair of pantyhose and a lemon wedge.

“These uppity chicks just don’t respect us aging geezers like they used to,” snarled Specter, who looked amazing in his Liz Claiborne evening wear and three-inch black stiletto heels. “So I’m taking the lead to show these trampy hos like Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Geraldine Ferraro how to conduct themselves in my presence. Grrr! Doesn’t anybody know how to train these women anymore?”

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Hoping to build on his resounding successes at the Olympic Committee Meeting and U.N. Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen, President Barack Hussein Obama promised that he would make a last-ditch campaign appearance to bolster the flagging fortunes of Democrat Martha (aka “Marsha”/”Marcia”) Coakley, the Attorney General of the People’s Democratic Republic of Massachusetts. The Coakley campaign reached out to President Obama, using a message coded in Navajo, begging him to come and read a lackluster speech from a teleprompter in front of a hand-picked audience of left-leaning sycophants. The White House responded in Morse Code, confirming that The Great and Holy One would, indeed, grace Marcia’s Martha’s campaign, bringing about certain victory as he did with New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine and Virginia gubernatorial candidate Creigh Deeds late last year.

“Let me be clear,” said President Obama. “When it comes to stumping for candidates who need help, I have an absolutely perfect record. By the time I’m finished, I will have whipped the party faithful into a gran mal frenzy of fervent love and support for me–I mean Marsha. No! Martha. Y’know, that white chick. Anyway, her concession speech should be easy to write, because we’re getting a lot of practice these days at the DNC. Peace! Out!”

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – January 1 came unexpectedly this year, according to top economists, who continue to be surprised by virtually any sort of data whatsoever. These top-rate minds are so narrowly focused on their own issues, apparently, that any sort of input from the outside world has to potential to take them completely unawares.

“It’s totally a shock,” said Dr. Calvin Schulzbarger, who majored in econometrics at Harvard. “I was going along after Christmas this year then: BAM!! the New Year happens a week later. I mean, who could have forseen that?”

However, economists were not alone in their startled reaction to the nascent 2010: party hacks, policy wonks, and sundry university professors across the land were also taken aback.

“Sheesh! I was just getting used to putting ’2009′ on all my checks and correspondence,” said Prof. Juanita DeBeers, who teaches Womynz Studies and also chairs the Irrelevant Subjects Department at the University of Iowa. “This sudden shift in the calendar year is a feeble attempt on the part of the old white male establishment to continue their dominance over womyn, people of color, and several endangered species in the Amazon rain forest. If I weren’t on the way to my slam poetry contest and the recycling center, I’d stay here and prattle about it some more. Excuse me.”

The White House was also cheesed off by this unforeseen development.

“These darned Tea Partiers will stop at nothing to discredit this president and our agenda,” said White House Spokesweasel Robert Gibbs. “I mean, trying to change the year? Simply shameful. I would have expected a more mature approach from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Leon Trotsky, and the rest of the extreme, howling mad, racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic Right. Say do these glasses make my face look fat?”

Just a heads up from JP: Ground Hog Day is coming soon. Economists, academics, and other assorted intellectuals are hereby put on notice.

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NEW YORK – Scientists have made an enormous breakthrough today in the search for the perfect vacuum: newscritter Diane Sawyer’s head. Astrophysicists have noted that the anchorwoman’s flattening face means that her skeletal structure can no longer effectively resist the compulsion to fill the empty void within her skull. As such, they have filed a petition with the federal government to study Ms. Sawyer’s head before the vacuum between her ears creates a rupture and is dispersed forever.

“This is truly an amazing situation,” said Dr. William Fillets of the Perfect Vacuum Research Center of Central Paugkeepsie. “We are certainly looking forward to studying Ms. Sawyer’s noggin in order to better understand how to create a perfect vacuum under lab conditions. It’s a unique opportunity for the scientific community that should not be wasted.”

When asked whether or not she was in favor of being studied by a bunch of pretentious dudes in lab coats, Ms. Sawyer said “I like vanilla. Shiny red truck.”

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CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA – Today, a group of one-named celebrities that comprise the Two Names Coalition (TNC) gathered in Culver City in order to protest their lack of surnames. Underprivileged superstars, forced to get by for decades on only one moniker, have finally had enough and are making their grievances public.

“Why should we have to get by with just one name, when there are so many other celebrities out there with more than one?” griped Sting, former frontman for The Police. “It’s a tremendous miscarriage of justice if you ask me. The governments of the world need to step in and redistribute names from those public figures that have more than one so that everyone on earth can have at least two.”

This sentiment was echoed by U2 frontman, Bono, who added: “Celebrities with two names are the norm. Why should we have to limp along with 50% fewer appellations? And don’t even get me started on celebrities with three names or more. Name-hogging grandstanders like Jean-Claude Van Damme, David Alan Grier, and Jennifer Love Hewitt need to be forced to give up a name to those like myself who only have one.”

Other celebrities in attendance included Cher, Prince, Beck, Eminem, Enya, Seal, Gallagher, and Bjork, among others. The TNC vows to continue their work on socializing name distribution throughout the artistic community and, eventually, throughout the common folks of the world.

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