Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, we are lead to believe, is President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama’s birthday. As her gift to Jakarta Barry, First Lady Michelle “James Brown” Obama has left the country with their daughter, Malaria, allowing her husband a measure of freedom in the White House all by himself*. The president, whom we’re told is 49 years old today, rejoiced at the prospect of leaving the toilet seats up and having a lot of his egghead Ivy League cronies over for a manly game of bridge later this evening.

So, in the spirit of celebration, we here at JP! say “Happy Birthday, Imperious Leader!”

*It is unclear where the president’s other daughter, Sachet, will be today, but we imagine Barry can find and hire a sitter all by himself. Right?

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If we weren’t convinced before to buy one, we certainly are now. Love the song, too. It adds a little something “extra”.

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LONDON, ENGLAND – When asked why he hadn’t written a real hit song in decades by a member of the English press, the legendary ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney(tm) attempted to flip off said reporter, Brit-style. Only problem? It was the victory sign instead. Apparently, Sir Paul had a few too many mojitos on the flight back to his homeland and, as a result, forgot how to flip people off properly. Either that or he was indicating that he had two hit songs in as many decades. Or, he was saying Jimmy Carter’s killer rabbit was after him. We are unclear on this whole story, really, and Ringo Starr was unavailable for comment. Sorry. We’ll come in again.

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HONOLULU, HAWAII – As New Yorkers debate the need and purpose of having a giant mosque built at Ground Zero, the State of Hawaii has secretly been debating a similar issue: whether or not to build a shrine to the late Japanese Emperor Hirohito at Pearl Harbor. While it may be controversial to some, Hawaii is merely following the lead of New York in showing America’s multicultural and religious sensitivity to the world.

“When you think about it, the mosque and the shrine to Hirohito would make excellent geographical and philosophical bookends,” said former Hawaii Governor Joseph Poindexter. “After all, the late, great President Franklin D. Roosevelt ruthlessly put Japanese-Americans in internment camps during World War II. That really wasn’t very nice and we should make restitution to them in some small way. We feel that, if approved, this Hirohito national landmark, honoring the earth-bound deity of the Japanese Emperor, would mend a lot of fences that we insensitive white people have broken with all the little colored peoples of the world.”

If the Shrine to Hirohito goes well, the State of Texas may well consider a National General Santa Ana Museum near the site of the Alamo. It would be roughly the size of the state of Hawaii.

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PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*.

The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week.

As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Nicholas Sarkozy has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to free France from those who spent too much time watching old cartoons in the 1980s.

*Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, or so we have heard.

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HOUSTON, TEXAS – Today, the Head Guy at NASA(tm) announced that the formerly relevant space exploration outfit was launching a new initiative to get young Muslims more interested in space.

“Since President Obama’s cancellation of the Mars mission, we’ve kind of been at a loss for what to say or do,” said the Head Guy at NASA(tm). “We still had all these government funds, though, and we needed to spend them somehow so we can get more funding next year. So, we got our heads together and figured out the best way to spend money for the space program: Islamic outreach.”

Indeed, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration has launched a new initiative, whereby people on the International Space Station of Love(tm) will periodically prepare and eat falafels during the meal breaks on their missions. Space-based scientists aboard the ISSoL are also strongly encouraged to build dioramas of Muslim villages and mosques using spare parts from the research lab and the photovoltaic power arrays on a bi-weekly basis. Videos of astronauts’ Muslim-inspired arts and crafts sessions will be broadcast live on Al Jazeera for the edu-tainment of Islamic folks all across the globe.

“By eating a traditionally Arabic food, such as falafel, hummus, or fattoush, astronauts from non-Muslim nations (that would be all of them), can show some kind of New Age-y solidarity with practitioners of the Religion of Peace(tm). In this way, we feel NASA can contribute to the low self-esteem of Islamic peoples around the world, who really haven’t done much in the way of rocketry or space exploration,” said President Barack Obama. “I have every confidence that the Head Guy at NASA(tm) will make this innovative Falafels from Space program a success.”

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PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA – In accordance with a new missive from the titular head of the New Black Panthers(tm), Minister King Samir Shabazz, radical, socialist-leaning black folks all across the United States have recently started hijacking truckloads of Saltines and destroying them on the roadsides, highways, and byways of the nation. The reason? Simple. According to Shabazz (who has an inequitable number of “z”s in his name), destroying crackers will bring about freedom.

Addressing nobody in particular, Shabazz recently ranted “You want freedom? You’re gonna have to kill some crackers! You’re gonna have to kill some of their babies!”

While it remains unclear how salted snacks reproduce, the basic game plan seems self-explanatory: no crackers, know peace. However, some in the New Black Panthers(tm) have raised points of clarification, asking whether it was just Saltines or if other types of crackers should be included in the snackicidal push for freedom.

“I really respect Minister Shabazz, especially since he added the second ‘z’ to the end of his name. That’s dope,” said Antoine “Kool-Aid” Al Farooqi, a loyal member of the New Black Panthers(tm). “But I needs to know if we just killin’ white crackers or what. I mean, they’s all kind o’ crackers out there: zweibacks, multi-grain, Melba toast, sesame seed, stone ground, you name it. Do we kills ‘em all or just the white ones, like Saltines?”

The answer to these issues may never be answered, as Minister Shabazzz, who recently added a third ‘z’ to his pseudo-Islamic moniker to up his coolness factor, could not be reached for comment. Stay tuned to JP! for the latest developments on this controversial issue.

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HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (OR WHEREVER) – “Actress/Singer” Miley Cyrus, daughter of one-hit wonder Billy Ray Cyrus, has come under some scrutiny lately for her rapidly deteriorating image as a wholesome role model for young girls. Various internet photos have been leaked of Ms. Cyrus in various stages of undress, many ostensibly taken by Miley herself. Of course, the pole dancing routines, street walking, and “Make Me An Offer” tattoo on her cleavage haven’t done much to prolong her image as wholesome family entertainment, either.

The latest source of brouhaha centered around the former Hannah Montana star involves her latest album, I Can’t Be Tamed, and associated music videos, where she is apparently slutting it up like her predecessors, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and Mae West (that last one’s for the older folks in the crowd). These allegations have apparently struck a nerve with Miley, who has come forward to defend herself.

“I am not slutty!” said Ms. Cyrus in a recent interview. “I can flash my body parts around in public if I want to. It’s a free country. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m doing my own thing. Just like everybody else.”

A spokesperson for Miley Cyrus has added to her comments, stating the seventeen-year-old is not projecting an image of a typical trampy ho. Rather, she is presenting an alternative vision of wholesomeness for the public’s careful consideration. The fact that she cannot sing or act or dance should not be used as an excuse to make light of her career choices or to cast aspersions upon her deeply-held, core family values. The spokesperson went on to add that lap dances from Ms. Cyrus will be available for backstage pass holders during Miley’s upcoming “Me So Raunchy! Tour”.

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WASHINGTON, DC – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has hit upon hard times. His stand-up nights held at White House press gatherings used to be a jovial affair, with Gibbs cracking jokes about how stupid all those working people were and dodging direct questions with sophomoric asides and distractions. However, with the tough times befalling the country and the Democrat Party in particular, a lot of the press “corpse” have ceased to giggle and titter at Gibbs every quip and mispronunciation.

Now, the Peter Griffin look-alike spends most of his days hiding from the press under President Barack Hussein Ali Ackbar Obama’s bed.

“Is it just me or is it dead in here?” said Gibbs, scanning the room for any hint of amusement on the faces of the gathered reporters. “But, seriously, folks. What is it with those bitter clingers, huh? I mean, they’re voting for Republicans and stuff! Can you believe it? Heh heh heh… Something, something Teabaggers! Get it? Teabaggers! Hah hah…. Um. Yeah.”

The chorus of chirping crickets voiced their disapproval of Gibbs’ aging routine as the disgruntled press filed out of the room, muttering to themselves and scratching their heads in disbelief.

“I don’t get it,” said Gibbs, coming off stage, a crease of worry bifurcating his flabby brow. “That material left ‘em rolling in the aisles ten months ago. NOW, I can’t even get Helen Thomas to smile. If she ever did, that is….”

In order to deal with this impending public relations crisis, however, the White House has commissioned a new Comedy Czar to write fresh, humorous material for Gibbs and prehaps supply some Carrot-Top-style props for him to play with on stage. Top strategists, however, are unconvinced the move will bear good results, fearing that Gibbs may just not be that funny any more.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, First Lady Michelle Obama launches an all initiative to combat people that are fat in America. Dubbed the “War on Obesity”, the new campaign flies in the face of traditional liberal claims that there are starving masses lurking on every block in the United States, but the First Lady’s hired crew of pom pon waivers have encouraged her to damn the torpedoes and plow, full-speed ahead. After all, what’s good for the Titanic is good for her husband’s administration, right?

“People are too fat!” said Michelle Obama, standing before a select group of trim and in-shape journalists. “And fat is bad. Barack is skinny. Skinny is good. People should stop eating so that Barack can get something to eat once in a while without having to fly off to New York City or Chicago or Copenhagen or whatever.”

As the journalists cheered enthusiastically and called out for her to do her trademark song, “I Feel Good”, the First Lady continued.

“For months now, I’ve been forced by Rahm and others to keep my mouth shut about this vital issue, but if the attempted panty bombing on Christmas Day has taught us anything, it’s that fat is a national security issue. If we ever hope to be free of terrorism, we must first learn that our eating habits have enraged countless Muslims and other Third Worlders to the point of trying to blow up planes. And that is bad. Very bad. Now, everyone will have to eat beans and ramen and stuff from my front-yard garden or else my husband’s private security force will come and strip-search your grandma for bombs. Anyway, if you are fat, you’ve been put on notice. We’ve requisitioned a whole boxcar load of latex-free examination gloves and we’ll be watching you, you eaters!”

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NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A large group of homosexuals, dressed in “festive” attire, traveled from near and far to attend the Tea Party Convention today, only to be shocked and surprised at the lack of actual teabaggers present. While they tarried a while, the entire incident was chalked up to one big misunderstanding.

“This is so embarrassing!” said Monty Lawson, a frame shop owner from P Town, Massachusetts. “I came here expecting a drunken orgy where I could tea bag some anonymous people and it turns out, there’s nobody here but stodgy old heterosexual people! What gives?”

Greg “Check Me” Johnson from West Hollywood, California, agreed. “The media really screwed us on this. For the past several months, I kept thinking that tea bagging was going mainstream, y’know? I heard about all those rallies in all those cities and I thought, ‘Yeah! America’s finally coming around! Now I can openly tea bag people on my lawn or at the Post Office or the bus stop if I want to’. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Boy, was I taken in! MSNBC’s got some explaining to do!”

Other homosexual attendees were initially encouraged to hear that Sarah Palin would be at the event, until they learned that it was basically a tax protest.

“You can’t imagine what a drag this has been — no pun intended!” said John Wang, a gay performance artist from Key West, Florida. “When I heard this event was being held at the Gaylord Opry House, I was totally sold and I pawned a couple of my old Air Supply eight tracks to make the trip here. Anyway, long story short: I came looking for some hot love action and all I got was this lousy ‘Hope, Change: Biden 2010‘ t-shirt! I hate you, Keith Olberman!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has announced today that President Obama’s Very “First Ever”* State of the Union Address will be “made available”** to elementary school children all across the nation in the coming weeks on the very popular DVD format. Media types and pundits hailed the move as another historic moment in our country’s narrative, but wondered how the school children of the great “Fly Over Country” would be able to view the Region 2 format of the discs, since they were ostensibly made for members of the UK Parliament, but were refused on arrival by both Labour Party leaders and Torries alike.

“We had to do something with them,” said VPOTUS Joe “Plugs” Biden, taking a break from making fun of paraplegics in Missouri. “Why not give them to the school kids? Then, they can watch Barry utter those eloquent words of his over and over in the privacy of their own bathrooms — I mean classrooms. Sorry, I was thinking of Ken Jenkins there for a second.”

However, while the White House did get the correct region encoding for Europe this time, they failed to anticipate the utter lack of interest on the part of UK government officials. However, marketing gurus have pointed out the DVD does sport a great picture of Obama smiling before his ubiquitous teleprompters while flipping off the Supreme Court Justices on the cover, along with animated menus, anamorphic picture, a transcript of the speech, and another 70 minutes of his speech that wasn’t aired because the camera men and audio guys drifted off to sleep during the lecture speech.

“If we can’t give the people health care, we should at least help them get some sleep,” said Rahm Emmanuel, picking his teeth with a Ka-Bar knife. “And I think, on that level, the address was quite successful. We’re one step closer to curing insomnia once and for all. Hey, have I shown you my missing finger yet?”

* Actually, it was the third time he’s spoken before the joint Houses of Congress.
** “government-school mandated viewing”.

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NEW YORK – Scientists have made an enormous breakthrough today in the search for the perfect vacuum: newscritter Diane Sawyer’s head. Astrophysicists have noted that the anchorwoman’s flattening face means that her skeletal structure can no longer effectively resist the compulsion to fill the empty void within her skull. As such, they have filed a petition with the federal government to study Ms. Sawyer’s head before the vacuum between her ears creates a rupture and is dispersed forever.

“This is truly an amazing situation,” said Dr. William Fillets of the Perfect Vacuum Research Center of Central Paugkeepsie. “We are certainly looking forward to studying Ms. Sawyer’s noggin in order to better understand how to create a perfect vacuum under lab conditions. It’s a unique opportunity for the scientific community that should not be wasted.”

When asked whether or not she was in favor of being studied by a bunch of pretentious dudes in lab coats, Ms. Sawyer said “I like vanilla. Shiny red truck.”

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CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA – Today, a group of one-named celebrities that comprise the Two Names Coalition (TNC) gathered in Culver City in order to protest their lack of surnames. Underprivileged superstars, forced to get by for decades on only one moniker, have finally had enough and are making their grievances public.

“Why should we have to get by with just one name, when there are so many other celebrities out there with more than one?” griped Sting, former frontman for The Police. “It’s a tremendous miscarriage of justice if you ask me. The governments of the world need to step in and redistribute names from those public figures that have more than one so that everyone on earth can have at least two.”

This sentiment was echoed by U2 frontman, Bono, who added: “Celebrities with two names are the norm. Why should we have to limp along with 50% fewer appellations? And don’t even get me started on celebrities with three names or more. Name-hogging grandstanders like Jean-Claude Van Damme, David Alan Grier, and Jennifer Love Hewitt need to be forced to give up a name to those like myself who only have one.”

Other celebrities in attendance included Cher, Prince, Beck, Eminem, Enya, Seal, Gallagher, and Bjork, among others. The TNC vows to continue their work on socializing name distribution throughout the artistic community and, eventually, throughout the common folks of the world.

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ROME, ITALY – For centuries, it has been speculated that the great Roman Emperor Julius Caesar did not pen his magnum opus, The Gallic Wars, by himself. While some scholars have traditionally maintained that the works were “aided along” by contemporary military historian, Aulus Hirtius, new evidence has just come to light regarding the true writer of Caesar’s first magnificent book. This week, the American news media has announced that President Barack Hussein Obama was the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar–an announcement that sent many classical scholars scrambling for their copies of The Gallic Wars and other notable writings by the late Roman emperor.

Sure enough, many of the phrases used in Barack’s landmark literary achievement, Dreams of My Father, closely mirrored the maritime imagery from Julius Caesar’s account of wiping the floor with the Celtic tribes in France many years ago. Noted journalist and writing analyst, Jack Cashill, however, has noted that the patterns of the writing may, indeed, be too similar. His investigations have since revealed that U.S. domestic terrorist, William Ayres, was indeed the ghost writer for Obama’s first book… and Caesar’s!

“This may be very difficult to grasp for some,” said Cashill in a recent interview, “but the phraseology and choice of imagery in the two books is just too close to writing style of William Ayres. Undoubtedly, his Latin name during the nascent years of the Roman Empire has been lost to time, but there is no doubt now that they are one in the same person. I don’t know how he’s managed to live this long, but I definitely want the secret.”

Common images in both The Gallic Wars and Dreams of My Father, such as “shooting hoops after school”, “smoking pot with the rich white kids”, and “crossing the Rubicon” have led other top literary scholars to agree with Cashill’s assessment. The reason Obama is the greatest writer since Caesar is because both men used the same ghost writer! Developing….

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LONDON, ENGLAND – Today, in an impassioned plea to the citizens of the once-great United Kingdom, Prime Minister Gordon Brown made his case for shoring up the country’s flagging system of informants which has become increasingly less reliable in recent weeks. In a message carried by ITV and two or three select BBC channels, Mr. Brown donned his “Ratty’ costume taken from the set of Toad of Toad Hall, and made several squeaking sounds before beginning his pitch in earnest.

“It has become obvious to me over the past several days that our intricately-woven system of informants has been providing insufficient or totally unreliable information to the Parliament,” said Mr. Brown. “Apparently, these hand-selected snitches tend to slack off a bit when they aren’t being watched themselves. So, it is my great pleasure to announce a new level of bureaucracy to keep tabs on our previously helpful squads of domestic spies. These new agents will inform me and the Labour government when our lackeys aren’t snitching enough or when they’re just plain wrong. In this way, we will have rats who will rat on the rats. Ingenious, don’t you think?”

When asked who would keep tabs on the newly-established tab-keeping bureau’s members, Mr. Brown declined to comment, but mentioned there was a large body of water we could jump into somewhere nearby.

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TRANSYLVANIA – There may be no vampires out on the prowl this year for Halloween, according to a shocking new press release from the International Brotherhood of Vampiric Workers (IBVW) International Headquarters, located somewhere in the forests of Romania. The reason? After centuries of blood-drinking, the vamps are demanding better working conditions, living accommodations, and fringe benefits. While usually willing and able to drain the life blood from any living creature, the IBVW membership are demanding only attractive, scantily-clad members of the opposite sex as a means to improve conditions in the workplace.

“I’ve had it with rodents and dogs,” said one vampire, and IBVW member, hiding in the shade. “I’ve got seniority, you know? Don’t I deserve to drain the blood of a hottie? I mean, where’s the glamor in sucking on a pig or horse? Nowhere, I says!”

Among other demands are increased hours of operation, including dusk and early morning times; no more sleeping in coffins, crypts, and mausoleums; and a better overall image in the press.

“It’s tough out there for vamps these days,” said Count Orloff, better known as Nosferatu, through an English-speaking thrall. “You’ve got a reinvigorated Catholic church, trying to burn us, stake us, or drive us away with crucifixes; you’ve got television and movies portraying us as unfeeling monsters that only live at the expense of the mortal population; and then there’s the whole ‘only work at night’ thing, which severely limits our opportunities, since most people are out during the day. Something’s gotta give.”

Representatives from the IBVW have made it clear that, if the union’s demands are not met by October 30 this year, they will not work on Halloween. Developing….

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