Junk Panic!

NATANZ, IRAN – Today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the mildly psychotic “president” of Iran, announced that his country was “really, really modern now”, indicating that their cobbled-together nuclear reactor as proof.

“We are now a real-live nation,” said Mahmoud, speaking in front of a teeming crowd of foil hat wearing admirers. “With nuclear ‘power’, we will finally be able to break our dependence on foreign electrical companies and our dhimmi population can finally take a break from those treadmills. Besides, we can now create a bomb and kill all the Jews, so that’s kind of an extra.”

While the facts of Ahmadinejad’s insane ramblings have yet to be verified by anyone north of sane, the nation is planning on holding an all-week kegger in honor of both Ramadan and the fact that they have lurched into the mid-20th century in terms of their nuclear technology.

“Now, we can hold modern-style missile parades through the streets of Tehran, just like the Soviets used to do. After all, we’re buying their modern, rust-colored missiles for this purpose. We’re working on a mule-powered delivery system now that should be the envy of infidel pig-dogs all across the world! Won’t that be keen?”

Other innovations set to propel  Iran into first-world status include: flush toilets, crank-start automobiles, nation-wide phone service, indoor wood-fired ovens, electric abacuses, and learning English. We’ve been informed that when they’re not waiting on that guy living in a well, Iranian scientists are working almost around the clock on making these modern wonders a reality.

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HONOLULU, HAWAII – As New Yorkers debate the need and purpose of having a giant mosque built at Ground Zero, the State of Hawaii has secretly been debating a similar issue: whether or not to build a shrine to the late Japanese Emperor Hirohito at Pearl Harbor. While it may be controversial to some, Hawaii is merely following the lead of New York in showing America’s multicultural and religious sensitivity to the world.

“When you think about it, the mosque and the shrine to Hirohito would make excellent geographical and philosophical bookends,” said former Hawaii Governor Joseph Poindexter. “After all, the late, great President Franklin D. Roosevelt ruthlessly put Japanese-Americans in internment camps during World War II. That really wasn’t very nice and we should make restitution to them in some small way. We feel that, if approved, this Hirohito national landmark, honoring the earth-bound deity of the Japanese Emperor, would mend a lot of fences that we insensitive white people have broken with all the little colored peoples of the world.”

If the Shrine to Hirohito goes well, the State of Texas may well consider a National General Santa Ana Museum near the site of the Alamo. It would be roughly the size of the state of Hawaii.

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PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*.

The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week.

As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Nicholas Sarkozy has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to free France from those who spent too much time watching old cartoons in the 1980s.

*Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, or so we have heard.

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WASHINGTON, DC – During a series of brief meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. President Barack Hussein Soetoro prattled on about how strong the relationship between the United States and Israel is–especially under his “leadership”. Among some of his incessant monotone drivel were weak platitudes about the “historic nature” of the bond between the nations and how the U.S. has “got Israel’s back” if bad things happen in the Middle East. Yeah. Like that would ever happen.

“I think the relationship between our countries is strong enough now that we can start attacking other people,” said President Obama from the Yellow Oval Room of the White House. “If Israel needs to take it to Iran, for example, that’s okay by me. I mean, it’s Israel’s duty to clean up the messes that I helped create, right? Sure, we could have helped topple Ahmadinejad after that sham of an election in Iran, but I chose to sit and spin instead. Now, the entire region is imperiled to the point that the UAE, Saudi Arabia, and others are insisting that Israel nuke their Muslim brothers to prevent total nightmare. Oh, hey, Bibi! Bring me a beer, would you? I feel another cop-professor-President summit comin’ on!”

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A scene from downtown Port au Prince, Haiti, just after–or was it before–the earthquake. It’s anyone’s guess, really….

PORT AU PRINCE, HAITI – Just a few short weeks following the epic earthquake that killed tens of thousands of Haitians in their native land (that would be Haiti for those of you with Harvard degrees), the tiny island nation has stopped receiving any coverage in the news. When news investigators at JunkPanic! broached the subject with our colleagues in the Jurassic Press, they said it was because it was all but impossible to tell whether images taken were before or after the seismic disaster.

“Let’s face it,” said our anonymous source, Chris Matthews. “Nobody can tell what is earthquake damage and what was just normal Haitian infrastructure. Sure they have no electricity, no roads, and no clean water now. They didn’t have it then! Who can tell what needs replacing? Besides, Obama’s golfing today and I feel another tingle coming on….”

Other journalists concur with Matthews’ assessment of the situation, saying their on-the-scene reporters were tired of roughing it with the destitute Haitian people and were ready to get back to their cocktail mixers in Washington, DC.

“Even with power, this country would be pretty darn awful,” said Anderson Cooper, a former host of a pseudo-news show on a defunct cable channel. “The climate’s nice, and you could probably grow citrus fruit here, but I’d rather be back in the studio, reading stuff from a screen to my mom and that other viewer. Let’s face it: it’s real hard to talk French and avoid getting the plague at the same time.”

Relief teams, having cleared the last of the impromptu roadblocks made from the bodies of the victims, beat a hasty retreat from the country as soon as the cameras weren’t looking.

“It got to the point where you couldn’t distinguish the stench of the dead from that of the refugees in the tent cities,” said one worker. “Pretty grim. Anyway, since the news has moved on to that oil spill, we can get our buns outta here and nobody will even notice. The cold hard facts are this: whether we pay attention to it or not, earthquake or not, Haiti still sucks!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, White House Press Secretary Gibbs announced that President Barack Hussein Al-Ackbar Obama (who is not a Muslim, by the way) has come to a conclusion regarding the war in Afghanistan. The President has determined to continue to deliberate the issue until his mind is eventually made up… maybe.

“Barry is very pleased to announce today that he is carefully considering every option in order to stall this thing as long as possible,” said Gibbs. “Troop morale is really overrated, anyway, especially in the face of a determined force of violent religious nut bars like the Taliban and Al Qaeda. If the troops are feeling a little mopey, they should take considerable solace in the fact that the President may, in fact, make his mind up at some undetermined point in the future. At that juncture, I’m sure there will be a definite deadline for withdrawal announced.”

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BERLIN, GERMANY – Today marks the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, the dramatic and symbolic end of the Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union. As the former leader of the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR), Mikhail Gorbachev, stopped by to accept the misguided accolades of the international community for taking the initiative to dismantle the wall separating East and West Germany that ran through the heart of the German capitol city of Berlin.

“Ronald Reagan was just an entertainer,” said Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Mikhail Gorbachev is really the hero of the Cold War. Had it not been for the keen insight of Mr. Gorbachev, who made much-needed reforms to the socio-political structure of the former Soviet Union, the wall would still be standing here near the Brandenburg Gate and that would seriously have messed up the aesthetics of our fine city. Nobody likes a butt-ugly wall, anyway. Yay, Gorbachev!”

Gorbachev, whose government was responsible for creating the wall in the first place, accepted the key to Berlin and a year’s supply of schnitzel for his role in bringing about the fall of Communism in Russia.

“I am so happy to receive the great honor instead of President Reagan,” said Gorbachev, who polished his birthmark with a special wax for the occasion. “Since President Barack Hussein Obama could not make it here to the festivities, I was more than happy to represent Communism in Berlin today. Someday, with the cooperation of Europe and the new socialist regime in America, we can work together to transform the former Eastern Bloc into a hellhole prison again!”

Gorbachev’s speech was greated with many cheers and people chanting “Gor-ba-chev! Gor-ba-chev!”, which made everyone feel good about everything.

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LONDON, ENGLAND – Today, in an impassioned plea to the citizens of the once-great United Kingdom, Prime Minister Gordon Brown made his case for shoring up the country’s flagging system of informants which has become increasingly less reliable in recent weeks. In a message carried by ITV and two or three select BBC channels, Mr. Brown donned his “Ratty’ costume taken from the set of Toad of Toad Hall, and made several squeaking sounds before beginning his pitch in earnest.

“It has become obvious to me over the past several days that our intricately-woven system of informants has been providing insufficient or totally unreliable information to the Parliament,” said Mr. Brown. “Apparently, these hand-selected snitches tend to slack off a bit when they aren’t being watched themselves. So, it is my great pleasure to announce a new level of bureaucracy to keep tabs on our previously helpful squads of domestic spies. These new agents will inform me and the Labour government when our lackeys aren’t snitching enough or when they’re just plain wrong. In this way, we will have rats who will rat on the rats. Ingenious, don’t you think?”

When asked who would keep tabs on the newly-established tab-keeping bureau’s members, Mr. Brown declined to comment, but mentioned there was a large body of water we could jump into somewhere nearby.

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Information has just come to light about a new technique used by Al Qaeda suicide bombers for smuggling high explosives past even the most stringent security. It seems that a new excercise/suicide bomber instructional video has been released by the notorious Islamic terrorist organization, urging mentally-deficient, deranged religious zealots to insert small, tightly-wrapped IEDs into their rear ends or some other body cavity to avoid detection.

The video, hosted by a poorly-bearded man called Ali Al-Fazaq, shows the faithful future mass murderers how to safely insert a bomb into their anus so as not to scratch the delicate lining of the rectum. Al-Fazaq explains:

“Now I am going to show you how to put the boom-boom into your secret-y hiding place. Take the wrapped boom-boom and gently press it into your rear end. You may need to use Vaseline or say a prayer or two while this happens. Then, once the boom-boom is safely inside your digestive tract, you are ready to stroll to your nearest shopping mall, Christian church, synagogue, U.S. consulate, or pork manufacturing plant and set it off, killing lots of infidels and covering them with your mystical goodness. Allahu ackbar!”

It is rumored that Al Qaeda is also working on a similar instructional video on how to smuggle short-range missiles in a like manner. More details as they become available.

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WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he was considering several options for handling the war in Afghanistan that did not include America’s victory. These “non-victory options” include, teaching the Taliban how to shave, reciting beat poetry from portable loudspeakers, playing “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” with Osama bin Laden (who is, apparently, a big Kevin Bacon fan), smiling politely at the enemy until they succumb to our kindness, self-flagellation of U.S. commanders in the field to show empathy, and retreating from the country like a whipped dog.

“This is a really historic time in history,” said Obama today, reading aloud from his primary-type teleprompter. “What we chose to do in Afghanistan will affect the outcome of the war, and that will be significant, I think, for our relations with the Taliban and Afghanistan after we leave. We have to remember that America stinks and that I am the Stinker in Chief. Thus, historic, hard choices must be made. About Afghanistan. Have I said ‘let me be clear’ yet?”

However, before making any decisions about troop levels and the new strategy for losing the war in central Asia, Obama has decided to take a vacation in Denmark to beg to have the next Olympic games in the glorious wonderland of Chicago. BHO denies cronyism is a motivation for the trip.

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WASHINGTON, DC – The United Media Against Winning Battles (UMAWB) issued a statement today, decrying their recent lack of interest in counting the caskets of fallen soldiers being shipped home from the ongoing war in Afghanistan. According to a recent poll, over 75% of designated casket counters in the media have given up their sworn duty to keep the American people apprised of each fallen troop on a minute-by-minute basis since George W. Bush left office in January of this year.

“I really don’t have the heart for it any more,” said Tab McEwen of the End the War Now Foundation of Lansing, Michigan. “George W. kind of had a personality and made keeping track of our enemy’s successes more fun, you know? Now that Barack Hussein Obama’s in change, it just isn’t that interesting anymore, although there are more body bags to count these days. In some ways, I wish it were last year again. I hope you don’t quote me on that!”

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Former President Bill Clinton was first runner-up!

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MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – International box office superstar, Hugh Jackman, announced this week that he would be going to Africa and using his celebrity status to more effectively indirectly fund more brutal dictatorships. Using a convoluted calculus devised by World Vision and other, less-notable pseudo-humanitarian organizations, Jackman would tap dance, sing, and swig bottled water in a number of small, non-descript hell-hole nations throughout the Dark Continent. This would raise money for the impoverished masses there who would, in turn, be robbed and indiscriminately slaughtered by the local dictatorial government thugs after all the Westerners go back to wherever it is they came from.

“This is truly a unique opportunity for Mr. Jackman,” said Lenny Smythe, a spokesman for another actor not at all related to Hugh. “I think the African peoples will get a real bang out of it. I mean, he IS Wolverine and all. Don’t they have wolverines in Africa? Anyway, we white folks get to feel warm and cozy inside for ‘helping out’ and the dictators get a much-needed monetary bailout with a bonus murderous rampage against their own people tossed in for good measure. What’s not to like?”

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Let it not be said that the Libyan dictator, Moammar Gadhafi, has no fashion sense! Among Islamic dunderheads, he’s one of the most nattily attired in the world! Below, we present the fall line of Gadhafi fashions. They’re all the rage in Tripoli and Michelle Obama likes his style, too!

CRIMSON GUARD OUTFIT – Just right for protecting the Emperor or singing in Jeremiah Wright’s gospel choir!

COLONEL KLINK CHIC – A life-long fan of Hogan’s Heroes, Moammar sports his military uniform, replete with bling and cereal box-tops.

TRADITIONAL TURBAN/JOHN TRAVOLTA LOOK – Totally cool silk turban with sleeveless vest makes this little combo a winner for a fun night on the town! Moammar won runner-up in the third annual all-Libyan John Travolta look-alike contest with this one!

CATWALK SPECIAL – Here we see Moammar and his faithful longtime companion, Bobo, strutting their stuff in the brand-new, pre-Labor Day, all-white military dictator fashion line. Just fabulous, MG! Fabuloso!

STAINED GLASS NOUVEAU – Finally, we get the crowning jewel of the Moammar Gadhafi fashion line: the Stained Glass Nouveau, with un-matching cap and ceremonial gown! Nothing says “terrifying dictator” more than a blurry collage of yellow and green floating dots, contrasted with your tacky black-and-blue, unflattering outfit! Citizens of Libya, beware!

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JAKARTA, INDONESIA – Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today from the capitol city of Indonesia that she has found a potential resolution to the War on Terror: hugging. Before the flashing bulbs of the photographers’ cameras, she confided in the Indonesian press that the American government had been too cold and distant over the past eight years, failing to take sufficient time to get to know “all the little angry brown people of the world”.

“So I am here today in Indonesia for two reasons. First, Barack doesn’t trust me farther than he can throw me, so he’s got me touring every festering, third-world hell-hole outside the United States that he’s ever lived in. Second, I bring a message of hope, change, peace, and several other touchy-feely buzzwords,” said Secretary Clinton, blotting a tear from the corner of her eye with her hijab. “Maybe if we all would just hug each other instead of shooting at each other, we could all be friends and sing campfire songs together. You know, like back in the good old days when I was–I mean, BILL, was President of United States. Wouldn’t that be neat?”

Then, she proceeded to hug everyone in the audience, brandishing a fakey smile that clearly revealed she’d been hitting the falafel pretty hard between brushings. Hillary is scheduled to be in Mombasa, Kenya, next week for the unveiling of the Barack Hussein Obama birthplace memorial plaque.

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HAVANA, CUBA – Today, Cuban scientists were proud to announce that they have invented something that will make life in the Communist dictatorship a little more pleasant for those forced to live there: flavored jackboots. At the behest of acting dictator, Raul Castro, these modern marvels of military footwear were created after a year of intensive research and development and are now available in a staggering array of yummy fruit flavors.

“These new tasty boots will make the people of Cuba happier,” said Raul Castro, speaking to us through a Polish language interpreter. “In the past, when we made the glorious people of our proud nation grovel and engage in copious boot-licking, they would only taste mud and leather and the saliva of the last person who licked the boots. Sometimes blood and dog poop, too, but I digress. Now, they will still get those ‘classic tastes’, but they will also get a fruity blast of Green Apple, Ripplin’ Razzberry, Boss Blueberry, Mighty Mango, Peppy Papaya, or any number of our other delicious flavor creations. In other, less-compassionate Communist and socialist dictatorships around the world, they have not taken these extra steps to make the people feel better about their civic boot-licking duties. What more proof do you need to see that Cuba rules! Eat our dust, Chavez!”

Not to be outdone, Russian and North Korean scientists are busy working on their own, proprietary flavored footwear that they hope to implement before the people rise up and depose them. Until such time, they will be importing the Castro brother’s boots from Cuba in hopes of curbing any potential political unrest.

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SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Yesterday, U.S. Customs finally apprehended the notorious “Pants Smuggler” as he tried to cross the border into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. He was caught with a number of exotic Asian songbirds in his pants, which automatically landed him in hot water with the American authorities, whose regulations specifically state that birds are to be smuggled in handbags or shipping containers only. He is currently being held without bail in a San Diego detention facility.

“We’ve been looking for this guy for some while now,” said Lt. Alfonso Carrera of the San Diego Police Department. “Over the past several months, he’s smuggled lots of stuff into our country just using his pants, like chorizo, drugs, children’s toys, machine guns, bags of Mexican money (don’t ask), rebar, pre-formed in-ground swimming pools, mountain lions, you name it. It’s really pretty amazing what all you can cram down your pants these days… Wait! That didn’t come out right.”

The trial date for the infamous “Pants Smuggler” has not yet been set and, although the authorities are pleased he is finally in custody, they are still on the lookout for copycats.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, feeling a bit tired and hungry from their constant agit-prop campagin to overthrow the United States Constitution, President and Exalted Leader of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, and forgettable laughing stock, Vice-President Joe Biden, decided to head down to a local burger joint and have lunch–without preconditions.

“I promised in my campaign that I would go to any length to reach across the table to those less intelligent than myself,” said Obama. “Admittedly, that’s a pretty short list, but it’s hard to be dumber than Joe here. Besides. Joe is tiny. He can’t possibly hurt me and poses no imminent danger to the illegal immigrant workstaff here at Ray’s.”

Biden agreed enthusiastically. “Pretty soon, the tax hikes will be in place and everyone will wonder why we took so much time eating lunch instead of fixing our nation’s economy. But that’s just mindless rhetoric spewed by a few extreme right-wing people who should all be rounded up and killed anyway. Pass the ketchup, Barry.”

The photo-op-laden visit to the appropriately-named Ray’s Hell Burger was replete with image-over-substance displays while the two most powerful men in the world chowed down on greasy food. Throngs of swooning sycophants gathered around the establishment, just hoping to get a glimpse of Joe Biden’s hair plugs and perhaps even spot the country’s first Red president.

“This is the dawning of a new era for Joe and myself, an opportunity for people of different IQs to come together and work for peace. This luncheon shows that he and I are willing to go the limit to secure that peace, even if it means trying to seem like the rest of you normal working slobs,” said the president, reading from his ever-present teleprompter. He then lit up a cigarette and continued his meal, reading from his well-loved and dog-eared copy of Das Kapital.

“I’m very disappointed that the president is eating meat,” said one fawning onlooker, proudly wearing a PETA t-shirt. “I guess he isn’t one of us at all. Does he really think we’re going to be fooled by seeing him read Karl Marx in public when he so brazenly consumes the flesh of dead animals? What a sham!”

Others were more enthusiastic, citing the experience showed Obama wasn’t elitist and could really get down and identify with the common man (apparently, they lacked the analytical ability to see the inherent presupposition of elitism in their statements, but we digress).

“See!” said one excited man, recently laid off from his automobile manufacturing job, “Barack is just like us! He eats $6.95 hamburgers with grease and everything!”

“This is cost-saving measure,” said Obama, wolfing down some of Ray’s famous cheesy fries. “I heard about this place from [former President] Clinton. He loved the fries here and I must say, he’s got good taste in food! This reminds me of that stuff that Jeremiah Wright’s wife used to make during our cook-outs in Chicago…. Oh, wait. Nevermind. Pass the salt, Joe.”

The total tab for the outing? About $20.00, excluding the thousands of dollars for the Secret Service and motorcade personnel. Quite a deal!

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BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA – The latest video released by the enigmatic Islamic terrorist, Osama bin Laden, issues the usual anti-Israel rhetoric, calling for a new jihad (when did the last one end?) on the tiny Jewish nation. However, this new offering from bin Laden’s production company, Al Dialysis, features something different: twenty minutes of the lanky villain sweatin’ to the oldies.

While deemed by some to be controversial, the sight of the terrorist mastermind gettin’ down to the likes of Buddy Holly, Danny and Juniors, The Kinks, and others from the Golden Age of Rock has been seen by some in the West as an attempt to reach out to infidels everywhere.

“This is a really good sign from bin Laden,” said Annie Schmeckelmann of the Judeo-Islamic Outreach Center in Santa Barbara. “His selection of tunes is not only refreshing, but also provides us with subtle clues as to Osama’s willingness to re-brand psychotic mass killings in the name of religion into something more family-friendly here in the West. Not only are his anti-Jewish tirades more coherent and eloquently presented, but his emphasis on physical fitness is a message we can all get behind. After all, if you don’t have your health, what have you got?”

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 ROME, ITALY – The boot-shaped nation of Italy has been put in a crisis of controversy in recent weeks regarding a potential bailout of its Big Three cheese manufacturers: Parmesan, Mozzarella, and Provolone. Apparently, manufacturers of the ever-popular Parmesan cheese are in dire need of government funds to keep producing the ubiquitous Caesar salad topping, which has enraged manufacturers of Mozzarella and Parmesan.

“This is an outrage!” said Luigi Bellantonio, head of the People’s Mozzarella Council for Greater Italy. “Why should cheese makers in Parma get this money? Mozzarella is very popular, too! Ever eat a pizza without it? I didn’t think so! We deserve money just as much as those hard cheese guys!”

Not to be excluded, Provolone manufacturers, have also put in their request for more government money. “We’re making substantial inroads on submarine sandwiches in the United States,” said Gino Gianetti, vice president of the Italian Manufacturers of Italy. “Plus, you can eat it by the slice. It’s good that way, too.”

“Provolone makers are idiots,” said Rodolfo Morelli of the Parmesan Makers Union. “They’re like the Chrysler of cheese–always in third place, whining and begging for business. If you can’t club someone over the head with a block of cheese or use it as a spare tire on your car, then it’s not really cheese. You can do these things with Parmesan. Try it with those other two softer cheeses and see what you get.”

A recent opinion poll of Italian citizens has shown that a suprising majority of the people–some 75%–find the whole issue grating, with 60% wishing they curd get the whole issue out of the whey.

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