If we weren’t convinced before to buy one, we certainly are now. Love the song, too. It adds a little something “extra”.
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Aug
3
Shocking Chevy Volt Video
hossvarad | 
Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Webtastic! | 
08 3rd, 2010| 
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hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Webtastic! | 08 3rd, 2010| No Comments »
Jul
25
Not even the Dark Lord of the Sith can prevent giant rodents from destroying the Empire! You gots to fear them giant rodents, Palpatine! Fear ‘em!
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Jul
20
Hilarious School Answering Machine – Watch more Funny Videos
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Jul
12
HOUSTON, TEXAS – Today, the Head Guy at NASA(tm) announced that the formerly relevant space exploration outfit was launching a new initiative to get young Muslims more interested in space.
“Since President Obama’s cancellation of the Mars mission, we’ve kind of been at a loss for what to say or do,” said the Head Guy at NASA(tm). “We still had all these government funds, though, and we needed to spend them somehow so we can get more funding next year. So, we got our heads together and figured out the best way to spend money for the space program: Islamic outreach.”
Indeed, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration has launched a new initiative, whereby people on the International Space Station of Love(tm) will periodically prepare and eat falafels during the meal breaks on their missions. Space-based scientists aboard the ISSoL are also strongly encouraged to build dioramas of Muslim villages and mosques using spare parts from the research lab and the photovoltaic power arrays on a bi-weekly basis. Videos of astronauts’ Muslim-inspired arts and crafts sessions will be broadcast live on Al Jazeera for the edu-tainment of Islamic folks all across the globe.
“By eating a traditionally Arabic food, such as falafel, hummus, or fattoush, astronauts from non-Muslim nations (that would be all of them), can show some kind of New Age-y solidarity with practitioners of the Religion of Peace(tm). In this way, we feel NASA can contribute to the low self-esteem of Islamic peoples around the world, who really haven’t done much in the way of rocketry or space exploration,” said President Barack Obama. “I have every confidence that the Head Guy at NASA(tm) will make this innovative Falafels from Space program a success.”
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Jul
9
WASHINGTON, DC – Following a press conference wherein U.S. Attorney General, Eric “Cleveland” Holder was quoted as saying “I think voter intimidation is OK if the New Black Panthers(tm) do it”, the nation’s top law enforcement officer’s neck sprouted wings, lifting his head off his shoulders entirely.
Members of the press stood agog as the disembodied head of Eric Holder flapped around the room, menacing reporters, camera men (and women!), cocktail waitresses, illegal immigration lobbyists, and just about everyone. While it swooped and soared overhead, Mr. Holder kept repeating “Post hoc ergo propter hoc! Campus non mentis! Pax Romana!” and other obscure Latin phrases.
Finally, after about ten minutes, the head landed, re-attaching itself to the Attorney General’s body and everything returned to normal.
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Jun
10
CARACAS, VENEZUELA – In light of her inability to hit notes and generally perform her back catalog of songs, the increasingly bloated and drug-dependent Whitney Houston called off the South American leg of her tour. The former superstar cited fatigue, amnesia, and Bobby Brown Proximity Syndrome as her reasons for abandoning the loyal throngs of Whitney-Heads on that continent.
Disappointed that the show would not go on, Venezuelan socialist dictator Hugo Chavez decided to don the tight-fitting black spandex and continue Ms. Houston’s tour throughout South America (read Venezuela). His seventeen-night Mandatory Attendance Tour kicked off this evening in Caracas, the country’s capitol, where he belted out a medley of Houston hits, including “How Will I Know?”, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, “Queen of the Night”, and “I Will Always Love You”. The last one was technically a cover version of Whitney’s cover version of Dolly Parton’s hit, but hey, who’s counting?
The opening night performance was beset with applause signs and gentle “reminders” from the national police force to applaud, even though Mr. Chavez’s intonation was second to a tone-deaf turtle. Despite the music shortcomings and his back-up band’s constant over-reliance on reverb and flanging effects, Chavez managed to complete his first three-hour performance in just under four hours. Costuming was elegant, if a bit on the bawdy side, and the pyrotechnics consisted of flak cannons opening fire on imaginary U.S. spy planes at various random intervals.
For the finale, Mr. Chavez grabbed up two children from the audience and screamed a high note in their faces for about a minute and half. The entire, heart-rending episode was captured for posterity on national TV. The DVD will be available next month, along with a double CD live album entitled “Hugo Sings Houston! Live in Caracas!” Amazon.com is now taking pre-orders so get your copy while you can.
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Mar
17
This time around — pressured by everyone from the Dark Lord Sauron to Gollum – the Cleveland Hobbit had no luxury to dawdle before taking a stance. He announced at a Capitol news conference this morning that he’ll gladly yield to the temptations of the Ring of Power.
“I have doubts about the One Ring,” Frodo said. “This is not a move I wanted to support. . . However, after careful discussions with Boromir, Gollum, and The Dark Lord Sauron, I’ve decided to go for the gusto and embrace the evil of the Ring.”
Those committed to destroying the evil magical artifact pounced quickly. Gandalf the White commented: “Diminutive ring-bearer flips from ‘Good,’ exposes so-called Neutrals.”
The Dark Lord called Frodo’s switch “a good sign.”
“I told him thank you,” said Sauron, speaking through his official mouthpiece.
Frodo’s move came after months of insisting he’d oppose caving to the lure of the One Ring because it didn’t do enough to enslave the minds of men and other creatures with free wills of their own. Frodo advocates bolstering the power of the One Ring and expanding its coverage to include all citizens of Middle Earth.
But Frodo acknowledged this morning that his choice now is to either stay on the quest to Mount Doom and destroy the Ring, and thereby possibly block the biggest (though imperfect) advance in years by the Dark Lord to conquer the free peoples of the lands, or compromise for the good of the hordes of slavering, power-crazed minions who could gain control over every aspect of the daily lives of the elves, dwarves, men, and hobbit folk in the land.
“I have taken this Ring further than any other halfling,” Frodo said, citing his Uncle Bilbo, Merry, and Pippin.
He told those standing around him that if they want to see first-hand the tough moral choices that many free-willed creatures face, they should “come to Mordor and you’ll understand.”
The Dark Lord Sauron personally persuaded Frodo to give in to the power of the One Ring during Frodo’s stay in Shelob’s lair over the weekend.
“I just hope by giving in to the side of evil, the rightful superstar of Middle Earth, Sauron the Great, can move forward with his plans to inflict pain and suffering on everyone in a swift and equitable manner,” said Frodo. “Sorry about your Precious, Gollum. It’s gone home to daddy now.”
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Mar
16
TRENTON, NEW JERSEY – Today, an extremely large group of angry voters gathered around the New Jersey capitol building, demanding the recall of Democratic Senator Robert Menendez, who, in addition to being a slavering toady of the Obama Administration, is apparently too white to have a Spanish surname.
“He’s no Latino,” said Danny Trejo, Hollywood star and the event’s organizer. “How can he call himself ‘Menendez’, man? Look at that guy! He’s whiter than Mr. Rogers! And don’t try to pull that ‘his parents are from Argentina’ crap, either. That don’t wash! Neither does the observation that his eyes are brown. You gots to be brown all around, man! Down with the Mexi-Poser!”
The state’s growing Latin-American community toweled off their backs in time to attend the rally, where Mexican flags were flown, Shakira music was played, and burritos were consumed, as the crowd burned effigies of Menendez wearing “Whitey” t-shirts.
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Mar
12
CLEVELAND, OH – During a return trip to his home near Cleveland, Ohio, Representative Frodo Baggins demonstrated various techniques for practicing “Safe Speak” when using a microphone.
“You never know if the person who last used your mic had swine flu, ebola, or what,” said Frodo. “So before you ram that filament in your mouth and do the dirty deed with it–I mean speak to your audience with it–you should be sure that it is properly disinfected and perhaps covered with a latex barrier of some sort. You can’t be to careful, y’know?”
Truly words to live by. Thank you, Rep. Baggins.
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Feb
17
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Milton Hughes is, apparently, a psychological anomaly. Hughes was recommended for mental evaluation following a recent outburst at a local Denny’s, where he called a waitress “Honey”, forgot to say “Thank you” when his order arrived, and seemingly had the gall to ask for a second pot of coffee. Local authorities were called to scene and, after an evening in lock-up, Hughes was released on his own recognizance if he would submit to a battery of irrelevant ink blot tests.
Fearing he had no choice, Hughes consented. However, the tests, administered by Dr. Ruth Finkleman, a long-time psychologizer and evaluatician of other people’s saneness, found the Rorschach tests “inconclusive”. Dr. Finkleman, who is writing a children’s book about schizophrenia as it relates to popular cartoon characters, couldn’t believe the results at first. Later on, she recanted and said that “disbelief” might have been too harsh a word and she feared for the tests’ mental wellness in light of her insensitive remarks.
“This is so unusual, like, y’know?” said Dr. Finkleman, speaking to our JP! reporter on the scene. “Rorschach tests are the bomb! I, like, can’t believe they were inconclusive! Now, how am I supposed to know if, like, you know, Mr. Hughes is nuts or what? I mean, I think he’s bonkers, but now I can’t prove it!”
Mr. Hughes’ case was ridden, then dismissed.
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Feb
1
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Nov
2
HOUSTON, TX – The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) issued a press release today, promising to use radiation on a large number of squirrel monkeys in the upcoming months in order to “get back” at the little primates for jinxing last August’s proposed shuttle launch. Animal rights groups are furious about the decision, but they are ultimately irrelevant in the eyes of NASA, who have acquired a large government stipend to purchase the monkeys and the radioactive materials to make ‘em glow like lightbulbs.
The pretext for exposing the small primates to cesium isotopes is to see if they can survive a trip into deep space. If the experiments are successful, monkeys will actually be shot into deep space in an effort to see what sound they make when their capsule enters the asteroid belt just beyond the planet Mars.
“This is an exciting time for us at NASA,” said Dr. John Smith, under condition of anonymity. “Not only do we get to irradiate these little buggers, we get to shoot them into space. That’ll teach them to mess up our launches!”
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Oct
14
SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA – Herman McMaster, a 60-year old native of Scranton, was delighted to learn today that he was not nearly as old as he thought he was. According to new economic data released by the U.S. government, there has been a tremendous amount of inflation since 1971. Indeed, a dollar in 1971 is equivalent to $0.02 today, or a devaluation of 98%, according to the latest pointy-headed statistical figures.
“Isn’t inflation great?” said Herman, cackling in the sunlight, showing his nearly-toothless maw to the patrons in the parking lot of the local Seven Eleven store. “According to these figures, I’m only 1.2 years old in 1971 years! I feel like a kid again! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a box of diapers….”
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Oct
1
DETROIT, MICHIGAN – Not everything has left Detroit these days. Indeed, the foundering metropolis seems to be gaining in some areas despite the recent economic woes of the city, state, and nation: mice, rats, roaches, unspent welfare checks, and now, corpses. Lots of corpses. Apparently, the city morgue has been beset with a great number of unclaimed dead folks, which momentarily had the city council and mayor in quite a quandary. The solution to the burgeoning pile of former humans in the town was quick in coming, though. Detroit has announced the first-ever Rent a Corpse program.
The genius of the program is its simplicity and ability to solve two of the city’s problems at once: people rent the corpses from the city morgue, use them in their home improvement projects or cast them as extras in various community theater productions or whatever they like, and pay the city $25 per day — with no late fees! This not only opens up space on the city’s autopsy tables, but also brings some much-needed funds to the coffers of Motown. In exchange, renters of the dead can use the bodies for whatever purposes they need them for–clearly a win-win for everyone!
Some uses for unclaimed bodies include: evening up chair and table legs, impromptu vice grips, hat racks, speed bumps, flood control devices, low-cost insulation for new building projects, companions for the visually impaired, stand-ins for senior skip days, CPR training dummies, dialogue doubles for Matt Damon, and much, much more. Some creative individuals have even used the deceased as scarecrows in their roof garden projects. The possibilities are almost endless.
“These unclaimed bodies really went from a major liability to a tremendous boon for us,” said Alderman Gregg Phipps, speaking to us off-the-record. “I can finally–I mean–the city can finally pay off some of its debts with the income from the Rent a Corpse program. In fact, it’s been so successful, we’re thinking of repealing some of our gun control laws and setting all the traffic lights to permanent green in the metro!”
While not a cure-all, Detroit’s new-found source of income has certainly helped alleviate the immediate cash crunch felt by the city following the disastrous takeover of their economy by President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama. Other cash-strapped cities are watching carefully to see if a similar program might work in their jurisdictions. Developing….
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Sep
30
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Information has just come to light about a new technique used by Al Qaeda suicide bombers for smuggling high explosives past even the most stringent security. It seems that a new excercise/suicide bomber instructional video has been released by the notorious Islamic terrorist organization, urging mentally-deficient, deranged religious zealots to insert small, tightly-wrapped IEDs into their rear ends or some other body cavity to avoid detection.
The video, hosted by a poorly-bearded man called Ali Al-Fazaq, shows the faithful future mass murderers how to safely insert a bomb into their anus so as not to scratch the delicate lining of the rectum. Al-Fazaq explains:
“Now I am going to show you how to put the boom-boom into your secret-y hiding place. Take the wrapped boom-boom and gently press it into your rear end. You may need to use Vaseline or say a prayer or two while this happens. Then, once the boom-boom is safely inside your digestive tract, you are ready to stroll to your nearest shopping mall, Christian church, synagogue, U.S. consulate, or pork manufacturing plant and set it off, killing lots of infidels and covering them with your mystical goodness. Allahu ackbar!”
It is rumored that Al Qaeda is also working on a similar instructional video on how to smuggle short-range missiles in a like manner. More details as they become available.
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Sep
24
Hugh Jackman To Indirectly Fund Dictatorships in Africa
hossvarad | Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Whirled Events | 09 24th, 2009| No Comments »
hossvarad | Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Whirled Events | 09 24th, 2009| No Comments »
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – International box office superstar, Hugh Jackman, announced this week that he would be going to Africa and using his celebrity status to more effectively indirectly fund more brutal dictatorships. Using a convoluted calculus devised by World Vision and other, less-notable pseudo-humanitarian organizations, Jackman would tap dance, sing, and swig bottled water in a number of small, non-descript hell-hole nations throughout the Dark Continent. This would raise money for the impoverished masses there who would, in turn, be robbed and indiscriminately slaughtered by the local dictatorial government thugs after all the Westerners go back to wherever it is they came from.
“This is truly a unique opportunity for Mr. Jackman,” said Lenny Smythe, a spokesman for another actor not at all related to Hugh. “I think the African peoples will get a real bang out of it. I mean, he IS Wolverine and all. Don’t they have wolverines in Africa? Anyway, we white folks get to feel warm and cozy inside for ‘helping out’ and the dictators get a much-needed monetary bailout with a bonus murderous rampage against their own people tossed in for good measure. What’s not to like?”
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Jun
9
Sotomayor Breaks Own Ankle To Show Empathy
hossvarad | In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 06 9th, 2009| No Comments »
hossvarad | In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 06 9th, 2009| No Comments »
WASHINGTON, DC – In an unforeseen move that has sent many of her critics racing for a response, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has broken her own ankle. The move, heralded as an unprecedented show of empathy for the nation’s disabled, is just one more in a long line of minority qualifications held by the aspiring judge. President Barack Obama commented on the event, saying now the frumpy adjudicator was able to empathize with more people than ever before.
“How are we supposed to combat this?” asked Kevin Ham, a representative for the Judges Who Actually Read the Law Foundation. “It’s bad enough that she is female, Latin-American, left-handed, diabetic, and predisposed to listen to West Side Story a lot. But this? It’s difficult to respond to. Nobody is going to care now that she makes up law as she goes. All they are going to see is a gaggle of minority statuses all attached to one person. What’s next? Contracting ebola?”
Sotomayor’s spokesdude issued a statement related to the incident, claiming it was the judge’s awkwardness and uncomfortable high heeled shoes that created the bone breakage, but skeptics and shrewd political observers know better.
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May
27
LONDON, ENGLAND – Prime Minister and Labour Party leader, Gordon Brown, has recently undergone a complete cosmetic makeover in preparation for his big showbusiness debut. As his political fortunes have slipped amid rampant scandals and other unpleasantries politicians create for themselves, it seems Mr. Brown has come to the attention of a variety of talent scouts who were desperately searching for a replacement for Simon Cowell on “Britain’s Got Talent!” and “American Idol”.
“We were looking for a white male, curmudgeonly, with bad hair and an even worse attitude to replace our dearly beloved Simon,” said an anonymous producer of the international talent shows. “It looks as if Gordon will be leaving public office soon and he would be an ideal replacement. Now, if we could only get that vote of no confidence going, we could have Mr. Brown prepped and ready by the beginning of next season!”
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May
17
Millions Don Foil Hats To Hear Message of 13th Imam
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Mystical Goodness, Oddities & Entities | 05 17th, 2009| No Comments »
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Mystical Goodness, Oddities & Entities | 05 17th, 2009| No Comments »
TEHRAN, IRAN – Millions of practitioners of the Religion of Peace ™ poured forth from their hovels this week to “get in tune” with dispatches from the great beyond. Donning foil hats, holding hands, and swaying back and forth to the rhythmic bleatings of their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, these devout throngs listened intently for some word from their much-anticipated messiah, the 13th Imam. Note: it would have been the 12th Imam, except the French demonstrated that the math was wrong, much as they did with the turn of the century beginning at the END of 2000 instead of the beginning. Meh.
“This is very exciting!” said Faizal Rehmani, cupping his hands and bending low near the earth. “It is not everyday that we get to fashion hats out of this versatile ‘tin foil’ and get in tune with the mystical vibes of the universe, you know? We’re all pretty jazzed. Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the ceremony “hokey” and “a cheap rip-off of his 49th birthday bash”, which was held on October 21 last year.
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May
6
Infamous “Pants Smuggler” Caught at Border Crossing
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Oddities & Entities, Whirled Events | 05 6th, 2009| No Comments »
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Oddities & Entities, Whirled Events | 05 6th, 2009| No Comments »
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Yesterday, U.S. Customs finally apprehended the notorious “Pants Smuggler” as he tried to cross the border into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. He was caught with a number of exotic Asian songbirds in his pants, which automatically landed him in hot water with the American authorities, whose regulations specifically state that birds are to be smuggled in handbags or shipping containers only. He is currently being held without bail in a San Diego detention facility.
“We’ve been looking for this guy for some while now,” said Lt. Alfonso Carrera of the San Diego Police Department. “Over the past several months, he’s smuggled lots of stuff into our country just using his pants, like chorizo, drugs, children’s toys, machine guns, bags of Mexican money (don’t ask), rebar, pre-formed in-ground swimming pools, mountain lions, you name it. It’s really pretty amazing what all you can cram down your pants these days… Wait! That didn’t come out right.”
The trial date for the infamous “Pants Smuggler” has not yet been set and, although the authorities are pleased he is finally in custody, they are still on the lookout for copycats.
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