hossvarad | 
06 25th, 2010| 
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Not everything in America is going to crap during the Obama Presidency. At least not according to Les Gunderson, a life-long West Chester resident. Gunderson, who had terminal lymphoma and was confined to his home for the past several years due to other medical conditions, suddenly started feeling better last Thursday while watching re-runs of the President’s lasted excursion to the golf course.
“It was a very strange feeling,” said Gunderson, recalling the miraculous day. “I was just watching President Obama struggling to get back down to fifty under par on the seventh hole and the words just popped into my head ‘yes, you can’. I thought it was just a bit of undigested beef or something, but then I heard it again louder, along with ‘touch your TV’. So I did. And I was healed!”
Indeed, after further medical evaluation, Les was cleared of all previously-existing medical conditions and given a clean bill of health from his family’s doctor.
“Just think! I can go back to playing rugby again!” said an elated Gunderson to our JP! reporters on the scene. “And I owe it all to President Obama’s playing golf! I sure do feel better now!”
However, Mr. Gunderson was not alone. Reports have been coming in from all over the country, saying other long-time Democrats have been similarly healed by Obama’s 300-stroke golf games on TV. Surely, with such miraculous healings occurring all across the land, the President should continue to golf before turning his attention to petty ecological disasters in the southern part of fly-over country.
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TEHRAN, IRAN – Millions of practitioners of the Religion of Peace ™ poured forth from their hovels this week to “get in tune” with dispatches from the great beyond. Donning foil hats, holding hands, and swaying back and forth to the rhythmic bleatings of their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, these devout throngs listened intently for some word from their much-anticipated messiah, the 13th Imam. Note: it would have been the 12th Imam, except the French demonstrated that the math was wrong, much as they did with the turn of the century beginning at the END of 2000 instead of the beginning. Meh.
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – This year, as with every year since around 1900 or so, several dozens of true believers set out on a religious pilgrimmage to visit the fabled burial site of the original Easter Bunny(tm). These purists still cling to the idealistic notion that rabbits laying colored eggs in plastic patches of grass and/or handbaskets is the TRUE meaning of the holiday, despite being ridiculed as “slobbering idiots” by the thinking public.
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