Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, at a dinner mostly attended by Muslims, President Barry Hashpipe Obama praised Ishtar, the first movie Muslims are allowed to watch each year during Ramadan, and also said he thought the Ground Zero Mosque Project(tm) in New York City was a pretty good idea.

“Muslims gotta pray, you know?” quipped Barry, drinking a punch bowl of political hemlock. “From my experience, it’s a lot of prayers every day. After all, Al Qaeda went to all the trouble of clearing that site, the least we can do is build a big ‘cultural center’ there to flip off the survivors, right? Let me be clear, the policies of the past are either going backward or forward.”

President Obama went on to say a lot of other stuff, including the fact he thought mosques were “really groovy” in general, but no one was listening any more. Michelle was unavailable for comment because she was too busy eating couscous to say anything.

When asked about the potential political fallout from this little outburst, the President said “Why? What’s the worst that could happen? I won. Isn’t that enough?”

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WASHINGTON, DC – In an apparent move to downsize the staggering number of czars in his administration, President Brock H. Obamma today announced that he would be canning the Ethics Czar, Norm Eisen. Instead, the eloquent and lovable Mr. Eisen will be shipped to the Czech Republic, where he is to sell friendship bracelets to former Soviet sympathizers in an effort to build bridges to whatever, yadda yadda wonky talk. The move signals the administration’s determination to become even less transparent for the upcoming election season.

“Norm just wasn’t needed in Washington, DC,” said President Obama today, with the aid of semi-fore flag wavers. “It’s just becoming increasingly difficult to justify using a guy for ethics when most of us don’t even know what ethics is. Besides, I thought the position was called ‘Ethnics Czar’, anyway. Who needs some flabby white Jewish guy for that?”

Mr. Eisen could not be reached for comment.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, we are lead to believe, is President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama’s birthday. As her gift to Jakarta Barry, First Lady Michelle “James Brown” Obama has left the country with their daughter, Malaria, allowing her husband a measure of freedom in the White House all by himself*. The president, whom we’re told is 49 years old today, rejoiced at the prospect of leaving the toilet seats up and having a lot of his egghead Ivy League cronies over for a manly game of bridge later this evening.

So, in the spirit of celebration, we here at JP! say “Happy Birthday, Imperious Leader!”

*It is unclear where the president’s other daughter, Sachet, will be today, but we imagine Barry can find and hire a sitter all by himself. Right?

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Today, in a candid interview with the high-heeled linebacker club known collectively as the cast of The View, President Barack Hussein Obama showed his slightly less feminine side as he joked, cavorted, and cracked wise during the program’s taping today.

When asked difficult questions about his racial background, Obama seemed flustered for a bit before he responded that blacks were a mongrel people–a statement that was sure to warm the cockles of every African-American’s heart from sea to shining sea.

“So I guess, in a way, you could say, I’m a mongrel, too,” said Obama sheepishly. “I’m a Mongrolian.”

Despite the boost of estrogen provided to the show by the president’s appearance there, these comments and others seemed to have stirred up more controversy for the increasingly unpopular president. Perhaps he’ll do better when he insults other ethnic groups at his upcoming guest judge spot on Iron Chef America.

“I know I’ll be safer there,” said Barack Hussein after today’s taping. “Michelle doesn’t like cooking shows.”

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In light of the passing of the irrepressible and indomitable John “Effing” Kerry, a local taxidermist shop in Boston has had the long-time legislator frozen in an “action pose” in accordance with the late senator’s last will and testament. The pose, which family members, artists, and other befuddled onlookers have called “the bewildered thinker” was used rather than Kerry’s more infamous “Blue Steel” or “Magnum” looks.

“This is just so awful,” sniffed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger, impersonating Zsa-Zsa Gabor. “One moment he was just sitting there talking in his lifeless way and then he was just… lifeless. It took me three weeks to notice! I’m so ashamed. Now, I’m going to have to go shopping to overcome my grief.”

The preserved corpse of the former junior senator from the Bay State will be on display at the Commonwealth Museum through the month of December, after which, it will be moved to a broom closet in Chuck Shumer’s Alpine villa, where it truly belongs.

UPDATE: It appears John Kerry isn’t dead after all. He was just stymied again. Our bad. We especially regret any inconvenience this story may have caused the formerly widowed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger. We’ll send you a case of ketchup, ok?

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SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND – Here at JP!, we value the opinions of all, especially literary masters such as J. R. R. Tolkien. It seems, the late Mr. Tolkien was more prescient than even we had believed, as is evidenced by this snippet from the Lord of the Rings, where he aptly writes the following:

“Those who listened unwarily to that voice could seldom report the words that they heard; and if they did, they wondered, for little power remained in them. Mostly they remembered only that it was a delight to hear the voice speaking, all that it said seemed wise and reasonable, and desire awoke in them by swift agreement to seem wise themselves.

When others spoke they seemed harsh and uncouth by contrast; and if they gainsaid the voice, anger was kindled in the hearts of those under the spell.

For some the spell lasted only while the voice spoke to them, and when it spake to another they smiled, as men do who see through a juggler’s trick while others gape at it.

For many the sound of the voice alone was enough to hold them enthralled; but for those whom it conquered the spell endured when they were far away, and ever they heard that soft voice whispering and urging them.”

Sounds like Obama and his thralls to us. Thanks, Mr. Tolkien. For everything.

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WASHINGTON, DC – During a series of brief meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. President Barack Hussein Soetoro prattled on about how strong the relationship between the United States and Israel is–especially under his “leadership”. Among some of his incessant monotone drivel were weak platitudes about the “historic nature” of the bond between the nations and how the U.S. has “got Israel’s back” if bad things happen in the Middle East. Yeah. Like that would ever happen.

“I think the relationship between our countries is strong enough now that we can start attacking other people,” said President Obama from the Yellow Oval Room of the White House. “If Israel needs to take it to Iran, for example, that’s okay by me. I mean, it’s Israel’s duty to clean up the messes that I helped create, right? Sure, we could have helped topple Ahmadinejad after that sham of an election in Iran, but I chose to sit and spin instead. Now, the entire region is imperiled to the point that the UAE, Saudi Arabia, and others are insisting that Israel nuke their Muslim brothers to prevent total nightmare. Oh, hey, Bibi! Bring me a beer, would you? I feel another cop-professor-President summit comin’ on!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Following a press conference wherein U.S. Attorney General, Eric “Cleveland” Holder was quoted as saying “I think voter intimidation is OK if the New Black Panthers(tm) do it”, the nation’s top law enforcement officer’s neck sprouted wings, lifting his head off his shoulders entirely.

Members of the press stood agog as the disembodied head of Eric Holder flapped around the room, menacing reporters, camera men (and women!), cocktail waitresses, illegal immigration lobbyists, and just about everyone. While it swooped and soared overhead, Mr. Holder kept repeating “Post hoc ergo propter hoc! Campus non mentis! Pax Romana!” and other obscure Latin phrases.

Finally, after about ten minutes, the head landed, re-attaching itself to the Attorney General’s body and everything returned to normal.

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PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA – In accordance with a new missive from the titular head of the New Black Panthers(tm), Minister King Samir Shabazz, radical, socialist-leaning black folks all across the United States have recently started hijacking truckloads of Saltines and destroying them on the roadsides, highways, and byways of the nation. The reason? Simple. According to Shabazz (who has an inequitable number of “z”s in his name), destroying crackers will bring about freedom.

Addressing nobody in particular, Shabazz recently ranted “You want freedom? You’re gonna have to kill some crackers! You’re gonna have to kill some of their babies!”

While it remains unclear how salted snacks reproduce, the basic game plan seems self-explanatory: no crackers, know peace. However, some in the New Black Panthers(tm) have raised points of clarification, asking whether it was just Saltines or if other types of crackers should be included in the snackicidal push for freedom.

“I really respect Minister Shabazz, especially since he added the second ‘z’ to the end of his name. That’s dope,” said Antoine “Kool-Aid” Al Farooqi, a loyal member of the New Black Panthers(tm). “But I needs to know if we just killin’ white crackers or what. I mean, they’s all kind o’ crackers out there: zweibacks, multi-grain, Melba toast, sesame seed, stone ground, you name it. Do we kills ‘em all or just the white ones, like Saltines?”

The answer to these issues may never be answered, as Minister Shabazzz, who recently added a third ‘z’ to his pseudo-Islamic moniker to up his coolness factor, could not be reached for comment. Stay tuned to JP! for the latest developments on this controversial issue.

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TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – While his campaign for U.S. Senate may have stalled in the oil-slicked waters off the coast of his state, Governor Charlie Crist took time out from his tanning sessions to show other Floridians how to make out with random women. Starting with his wife at the Crist campaign headquarters, the governor then proceeded to plant big, sloppy smooches on his female aides, supporters, and passersby — about twelve women in total.

“If you can’t make out with whatever woman you want to, what’s the point of living in Florida?” said Crist.

When asked if he was worried about potential sexual harassment lawsuits, the governor was indifferent: “Let’s face it. My political career is pretty much over. That Marco Rubio character is younger, handsomer, more bilingual-er, and almost as tan as me, which puts my entire election effort as an independent firmly in the ‘waste of time’ category. Plus, he says a lot of stuff that most folks in Florida agree with and I don’t. That’s also working against me.”

Crist went on to explain that he’d been phoning in his duties in light of his impending ouster as governor this fall and nearly inevitable loss to Rubio for U.S. Senate.

“So let’s eat, drink, and be merry while I can still expense it out to the taxpayers of this great state!” said Crist. “And don’t forget to kiss a stranger. Those college kids have hogged the mononucleosis for far too long! Woo-hoo!”

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CARACAS, VENEZUELA – In light of her inability to hit notes and generally perform her back catalog of songs, the increasingly bloated and drug-dependent Whitney Houston called off the South American leg of her tour. The former superstar cited fatigue, amnesia, and Bobby Brown Proximity Syndrome as her reasons for abandoning the loyal throngs of Whitney-Heads on that continent.

Disappointed that the show would not go on, Venezuelan socialist dictator Hugo Chavez decided to don the tight-fitting black spandex and continue Ms. Houston’s tour throughout South America (read Venezuela). His seventeen-night Mandatory Attendance Tour kicked off this evening in Caracas, the country’s capitol, where he belted out a medley of Houston hits, including “How Will I Know?”, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, “Queen of the Night”, and “I Will Always Love You”. The last one was technically a cover version of Whitney’s cover version of Dolly Parton’s hit, but hey, who’s counting?

The opening night performance was beset with applause signs and gentle “reminders” from the national police force to applaud, even though Mr. Chavez’s intonation was second to a tone-deaf turtle. Despite the music shortcomings and his back-up band’s constant over-reliance on reverb and flanging effects, Chavez managed to complete his first three-hour performance in just under four hours. Costuming was elegant, if a bit on the bawdy side, and the pyrotechnics consisted of flak cannons opening fire on imaginary U.S. spy planes at various random intervals.

For the finale, Mr. Chavez grabbed up two children from the audience and screamed a high note in their faces for about a minute and half. The entire, heart-rending episode was captured for posterity on national TV. The DVD will be available next month, along with a double CD live album entitled “Hugo Sings Houston! Live in Caracas!” Amazon.com is now taking pre-orders so get your copy while you can.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Yesterday, President Barack “Barry Soetoro” Obama, defended his lack of action viz-a-viz the oil spill catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico on national television. In his usual cure-for-insomnia tones, President Obama said “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar; we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”

The President’s comments, intended to give him a “tough guy” image, only managed to enrage animal rights activists around the country, who are demanding Obama apologize to the country’s sizable asinine population for his violent and insensitive remarks against them.

“I couldn’t believe my ears!” said Dr. Judith Huff, director of the Asinine Association of America. “Why would the President incite violence against these beautiful creatures? It’s just not right and Mr. Obama should apologize right away!”

So far, the White House has not issued a retraction, apology, or clarification over the “ass kicking” comment. The donkeys of America are waiting.

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Upon hearing the sad news that anti-Jewish bigot Helen Thomas was retiring after a mere 113 years in the White House Press Corpse, hundreds of Islamic jihadists took to the streets of Manhattan to hold a candlelight vigil in honor of their fallen heroine. Dressed in their traditional, flowing garb, Muslims of all ages clasped hands and swayed in the moonlight, singing traditional love songs and ballads of the Islamic faith.

“This is a very sad day for Islam,” said Safiyya Ul Haq, finishing off her ham and cheese sandwich. “Mrs. Thomas has long been a supporter of the Palestinian peoples, who only fire their rockets at Israeli children out of a deep desire for peace. Why couldn’t the American pigs have just taken her advice and helped the Jewish scum to evacuate the homeland of the poor, defenseless, peace-loving Palestinian people?”

Other attendees shared Ms. Ul Haq’s attitude and love of chili cheese fries.

“Why can’t they just go back to Germany and Poland? I hear the weather is nice there this time of year,” said Gulam al Siddiqui Rehman, operator of a roadside mosque in Queens. “Mrs. Thomas was only trying to help out. Anyway, this vigil will help raise awareness for something and that’s why I’m here. Have you heard about the mosque we’re building at ground zero? That’s going to be so cool!”

The vigil went on for a few more hours, culminating in the burning of King David in effigy. Shouts of “Allahu Ackbar” and “death to the Jewish pigs!” echoed lovingly into the night sky as the participants in the vigil for Mrs. Thomas dispersed to their homes.

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SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA – Tonight, in an intimate political rally, soon-to-be-former Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, sits sadly at a piano bench, idly playing a wistful melody at the VFW hall’s slightly out-of-tune upright piano. The seventeen or so onlookers who had come by for the “live band” and community chili supper shook their heads sadly in disbelief while Crist’s bodyguards, roadies, and other political magpies circled around the stage, shouting “Go! Charlie, go!” and other such enthusiastic nonsense.

After about a half hour, Mr. Crist leaned over his microphone to address the people assembled in the hall. “You know, folks. I’m playing some sad songs tonight. Why? Because I’m a lonely guy.”

Indeed, attendance at Crist’s political rallies went from tepid to apathetic to non-existent in just a two-month time span. After hugging the increasingly-unpopular President Obama in public, saying he was for more stimulus money, and basically making an ass out of himself as a Republican, the newly-independent Crist decided to tour the state backed up by a three-piece jazz combo to raise awareness for his flagging campaign. Due to the mixed results of the Charlie Crist “So Tan It Hurts Tour, 2010″, he has vowed to add dancing naked dwarf jugglers on unicycles to the act and give out free lifetime subscriptions to the Miami Herald to anyone who will just come by, say “hi”, and give ol’ Charlie a hug.

Stay tuned for Senator Marco Rubio.

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A scene from downtown Port au Prince, Haiti, just after–or was it before–the earthquake. It’s anyone’s guess, really….

PORT AU PRINCE, HAITI – Just a few short weeks following the epic earthquake that killed tens of thousands of Haitians in their native land (that would be Haiti for those of you with Harvard degrees), the tiny island nation has stopped receiving any coverage in the news. When news investigators at JunkPanic! broached the subject with our colleagues in the Jurassic Press, they said it was because it was all but impossible to tell whether images taken were before or after the seismic disaster.

“Let’s face it,” said our anonymous source, Chris Matthews. “Nobody can tell what is earthquake damage and what was just normal Haitian infrastructure. Sure they have no electricity, no roads, and no clean water now. They didn’t have it then! Who can tell what needs replacing? Besides, Obama’s golfing today and I feel another tingle coming on….”

Other journalists concur with Matthews’ assessment of the situation, saying their on-the-scene reporters were tired of roughing it with the destitute Haitian people and were ready to get back to their cocktail mixers in Washington, DC.

“Even with power, this country would be pretty darn awful,” said Anderson Cooper, a former host of a pseudo-news show on a defunct cable channel. “The climate’s nice, and you could probably grow citrus fruit here, but I’d rather be back in the studio, reading stuff from a screen to my mom and that other viewer. Let’s face it: it’s real hard to talk French and avoid getting the plague at the same time.”

Relief teams, having cleared the last of the impromptu roadblocks made from the bodies of the victims, beat a hasty retreat from the country as soon as the cameras weren’t looking.

“It got to the point where you couldn’t distinguish the stench of the dead from that of the refugees in the tent cities,” said one worker. “Pretty grim. Anyway, since the news has moved on to that oil spill, we can get our buns outta here and nobody will even notice. The cold hard facts are this: whether we pay attention to it or not, earthquake or not, Haiti still sucks!”

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LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA – Students from the McNeese State University School of the Arts ventured down to Holly Beach, Louisiana today to stage a protest against the ongoing oil spill clean-up efforts. Despite President Obama’s immediate and compassionate response to the burgeoning ecological disaster, many in Louisiana feel that the gushing oil gives the otherwise brackish waters of the Gulf of Mexico a high-gloss sheen that is “pretty” and “artistic”.

“The government just has no sense of style,” said Martin Roubideaux, a seventh-year senior at MSU. “When the sun hits the water just right, you can see a panoply of colors erupt from surface like a neon fractal. It’s magnificent! Now, they want to take that all away and that just flat-out sucks!”

When confronted with the impact on the Louisiana economy and the supply of fresh fish and shrimps from the Gulf, another student retorted “Beauty trumps seafood.”

The loose-knit, highly-chaotic group plan to take their protests to the capital city of Baton Rouge and, eventually, Washington, DC, later on. That is, if they can sell enough artwork to raise the money to travel. In the meantime, they have encouraged other aesthetically-minded Americans to “enjoy the colors” that the spill provides.

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Thousands of illegals took to the streets of Los Angeles today, hoisting pro Socialist International banners and pictures of the omni-benevolent Che Guevara. The purpose? To protest perceived injustices in the United States. Choosing May Day, a flagrantly Communist occasion to voice their grievances, was somewhat of a masterstroke for Raul “Not That Raul” Castro, a self-styled “barrio organizer” and Saul Alinsky acolyte, who managed the entire event online from his home in Malibu.

Speaking through an interpreter, Castro addressed the crowd in his native English:

“You guys are really smelly! But more importantly, you are really mad! And I don’t blame you! Anyway, thanks for coming out today. Please see my associates at the table over there in order to get your free 32 oz. soft drink vouchers.”

Castro then went on to present the group’s reasons for further screwing up the traffic patterns in LA: “We Latinos are fed up, you know? We come to America for a better life and what do we get? Blatant racism, blatant capitalism, and blatant blatantism. For starters, the streets are too clean. This alienates many Mexicans almost immediately. Second, American beer names were too hard to pronounce for native Spanish speakers. Third, many of our people have unreliable cable channels and have to rely on regular TV some times. Fourth, Arizona stinks. How dare they enforce their laws? Fifth, the food in America is way too bland! And finally, where are the open drug cartel shootouts in the street? All this lack of shootings and kidnappings is really disorienting for most of us marching here today.”

Castro then went on to say that life in Mexico was a lot better, but it was just too far south for many illegals to walk home. Then, the protest dispersed for a well-deserved siesta.

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TEHRAN, IRAN – The most exalted President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, leader of the tiny nation of Iran, announced this week that his country’s nuclear arsenal was well underway. Having purchased outmoded spare delivery systems secretly from the former Soviet Union, the Islamic Republic has gleefully intoned that they will soon have an atomic missile capable of reaching the United States by 2015. This would make it the: Slowest. Missile. Ever.

When confronted with this ominous news, the United States’ Muslim Sympathizer in Chief, President Barack Hussein Siddiqui Al-Moukhtar Obama, downplayed the threat, stating “Our policy of doing nothing about emergent rogue atomic states will remain in place. After all, by the time that really slow missile from Iran gets here, you could just move out of its way. Problem solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to the links. Tee off is in fifteen minutes.”

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REYKJAVIK, ICELAND – The big news coming out of northern Europe these days comes from the tiny island nation of Iceland, who have declared geothermic warfare on the rest of the world. Since they are short on army, navy, and nuclear weapons, Iceland has decided to harness the power of the earth itself in order to make its economic and political displeasure known.

“We’ve exhausted every conventional means known to us,” said one Icelandic Member of Parliament (MP). “Now, we have been forced to bring [former U.S. President] George W. Bush to our shores to unleash the forces of nature as only he can. We regret having to take such drastic measures but nobody would even pay attention to us if we didn’t!”

Calling on several top-level officials in Iceland’s Secret Volcanic Defense Force (ISVDF), the launch codes were quickly compiled. As a result, Mount Somethinginicelandic has finally blown its top, belching forth a colossal ash cloud into the Earth’s atmosphere. Besides being very impressive to look at, this billowing debris from Mother Earth’s lower intestines has hampered travel, trade, and tourism all across the European Union (EU) and to points as far south as the United Arab Emirates (that’s near Africa, kids).

The Prime Minister of Iceland (PMI) declared the volcanic eruption to be the first in a number of seismic salvos in retaliation for the EU’s refusal to print more worthless money to bail out the economy of the small Scandinavian nation.

“The leaders of the EU need to realize that we are not Greece. We are the descendants of Vikings and stuff and we will not tolerate being given the cold shoulder by minor, insignificant nations like Britain, France, and Germany. We demand the right to continue to spend wildly on welfare programs and cod fishing as we see fit. It is the duty of the other member nations of the EU to bail us out when we run out of funny money,” said the irate PMI. “Other attacks will be forthcoming if our demand for 40 billion euros is not met soon. We figure if it works for those rabid jihadists, it should work for us, too. Besides, we’ve got a lot of geothermal energy here just going to waste heating outdoor hot springs and such. Time to make better use of our natural resources.”

Needless to say, other nations around the world were mildly inconvenienced by the eruption of Mt. Somethinginicelandic. Air travel has become impossible, breathing air has become hazardous, and people in France have had to wait a long time at train stations to move about their own country.

“Overall, it’s just bad sportsmanship,” said British PM of the Moment, Gordon Brown. “Now, we’ve got to reschedule a lot of flights, football matches and meaningless, money-wasting international peace conferences. Something must be done about Iceland. Perhaps the UN could draft a polite ‘cease and desist’ letter?”

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