Obama takes a break from his hectic golfing and vacationing schedule to show the American people Michelle’s favorite fist.
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Aug
13
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, at a dinner mostly attended by Muslims, President Barry Hashpipe Obama praised Ishtar, the first movie Muslims are allowed to watch each year during Ramadan, and also said he thought the Ground Zero Mosque Project(tm) in New York City was a pretty good idea.
“Muslims gotta pray, you know?” quipped Barry, drinking a punch bowl of political hemlock. “From my experience, it’s a lot of prayers every day. After all, Al Qaeda went to all the trouble of clearing that site, the least we can do is build a big ‘cultural center’ there to flip off the survivors, right? Let me be clear, the policies of the past are either going backward or forward.”
President Obama went on to say a lot of other stuff, including the fact he thought mosques were “really groovy” in general, but no one was listening any more. Michelle was unavailable for comment because she was too busy eating couscous to say anything.
When asked about the potential political fallout from this little outburst, the President said “Why? What’s the worst that could happen? I won. Isn’t that enough?”
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Aug
9
TEHRAN, IRAN – Today secret photos were leaked that indicate Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a member of a secret globalist cabal known only to outsiders as “The Diaperheads”. This photo was taken earlier today in Ahmadinejad’s private outdoor cabana and leaked to JunkPanic! via our vast international network of cyberspies.
In accordance with legend, The Diaperheads intend to co-opt major countries by stealing elections and then parading around in public with cloth diapers attached to their heads to show their blatant disrespect for society’s conventions. Other suspected operatives of this top-secret international group include Osama bin Laden, Moammar Ghaddaffy, Sarah Jessica Parker, and U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama. Skeptical? See the pictures below for all the evidence that you will ever, ever need! Don’t say we didn’t warn you about this conspiracy, either. We did. Hope your week is filled with paranoia.
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Aug
8
Like modern offices, every playground should be equipped with a shredder.
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Aug
5
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – In a recent study released by the American Center for Really Fat People Studies today, researchers have come across a startling discovery: heavier children are more difficult to abduct than children who have a steady diet of healthy foods.
“Their low center of gravity, coupled with a higher overall weight makes these pudgy little people quite difficult to dead lift,” said Dr. Lance O’Boyle of the ACRFPS. “Many of our lab techs managed to strain their lower backs during the study’s many simulated kidnapping experiments. They have reported that skinnier and even malnourished children are far more ‘comfortable’ targets to lift and carry away in a hurry.”
As a consequence, concerned parents across the nation have signed on to feed their children as many fattening foods as possible to make their child less desirable targets for potential abductors.
“My little Jimmy weighs 115 now,” said Mrs. Evelyn Thornton, one of said concerned parents. “So I have complete confidence he will be safe when we go to Chuck E. Cheese’s for his third birthday party next week. Plus, I fill his pockets with bowling balls so we should be good there.”
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Aug
3
Shocking Chevy Volt Video
hossvarad | 
Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Webtastic! | 
08 3rd, 2010| 
No Comments »
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, Oddities & Entities, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Webtastic! | 08 3rd, 2010| No Comments »If we weren’t convinced before to buy one, we certainly are now. Love the song, too. It adds a little something “extra”.
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Jul
23
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In light of the passing of the irrepressible and indomitable John “Effing” Kerry, a local taxidermist shop in Boston has had the long-time legislator frozen in an “action pose” in accordance with the late senator’s last will and testament. The pose, which family members, artists, and other befuddled onlookers have called “the bewildered thinker” was used rather than Kerry’s more infamous “Blue Steel” or “Magnum” looks.
“This is just so awful,” sniffed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger, impersonating Zsa-Zsa Gabor. “One moment he was just sitting there talking in his lifeless way and then he was just… lifeless. It took me three weeks to notice! I’m so ashamed. Now, I’m going to have to go shopping to overcome my grief.”
The preserved corpse of the former junior senator from the Bay State will be on display at the Commonwealth Museum through the month of December, after which, it will be moved to a broom closet in Chuck Shumer’s Alpine villa, where it truly belongs.
UPDATE: It appears John Kerry isn’t dead after all. He was just stymied again. Our bad. We especially regret any inconvenience this story may have caused the formerly widowed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger. We’ll send you a case of ketchup, ok?
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Jul
16
HONOLULU, HAWAII – As New Yorkers debate the need and purpose of having a giant mosque built at Ground Zero, the State of Hawaii has secretly been debating a similar issue: whether or not to build a shrine to the late Japanese Emperor Hirohito at Pearl Harbor. While it may be controversial to some, Hawaii is merely following the lead of New York in showing America’s multicultural and religious sensitivity to the world.
“When you think about it, the mosque and the shrine to Hirohito would make excellent geographical and philosophical bookends,” said former Hawaii Governor Joseph Poindexter. “After all, the late, great President Franklin D. Roosevelt ruthlessly put Japanese-Americans in internment camps during World War II. That really wasn’t very nice and we should make restitution to them in some small way. We feel that, if approved, this Hirohito national landmark, honoring the earth-bound deity of the Japanese Emperor, would mend a lot of fences that we insensitive white people have broken with all the little colored peoples of the world.”
If the Shrine to Hirohito goes well, the State of Texas may well consider a National General Santa Ana Museum near the site of the Alamo. It would be roughly the size of the state of Hawaii.
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Jul
9
WASHINGTON, DC – Following a press conference wherein U.S. Attorney General, Eric “Cleveland” Holder was quoted as saying “I think voter intimidation is OK if the New Black Panthers(tm) do it”, the nation’s top law enforcement officer’s neck sprouted wings, lifting his head off his shoulders entirely.
Members of the press stood agog as the disembodied head of Eric Holder flapped around the room, menacing reporters, camera men (and women!), cocktail waitresses, illegal immigration lobbyists, and just about everyone. While it swooped and soared overhead, Mr. Holder kept repeating “Post hoc ergo propter hoc! Campus non mentis! Pax Romana!” and other obscure Latin phrases.
Finally, after about ten minutes, the head landed, re-attaching itself to the Attorney General’s body and everything returned to normal.
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Jun
25
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Not everything in America is going to crap during the Obama Presidency. At least not according to Les Gunderson, a life-long West Chester resident. Gunderson, who had terminal lymphoma and was confined to his home for the past several years due to other medical conditions, suddenly started feeling better last Thursday while watching re-runs of the President’s lasted excursion to the golf course.
“It was a very strange feeling,” said Gunderson, recalling the miraculous day. “I was just watching President Obama struggling to get back down to fifty under par on the seventh hole and the words just popped into my head ‘yes, you can’. I thought it was just a bit of undigested beef or something, but then I heard it again louder, along with ‘touch your TV’. So I did. And I was healed!”
Indeed, after further medical evaluation, Les was cleared of all previously-existing medical conditions and given a clean bill of health from his family’s doctor.
“Just think! I can go back to playing rugby again!” said an elated Gunderson to our JP! reporters on the scene. “And I owe it all to President Obama’s playing golf! I sure do feel better now!”
However, Mr. Gunderson was not alone. Reports have been coming in from all over the country, saying other long-time Democrats have been similarly healed by Obama’s 300-stroke golf games on TV. Surely, with such miraculous healings occurring all across the land, the President should continue to golf before turning his attention to petty ecological disasters in the southern part of fly-over country.
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Jun
10
CARACAS, VENEZUELA – In light of her inability to hit notes and generally perform her back catalog of songs, the increasingly bloated and drug-dependent Whitney Houston called off the South American leg of her tour. The former superstar cited fatigue, amnesia, and Bobby Brown Proximity Syndrome as her reasons for abandoning the loyal throngs of Whitney-Heads on that continent.
Disappointed that the show would not go on, Venezuelan socialist dictator Hugo Chavez decided to don the tight-fitting black spandex and continue Ms. Houston’s tour throughout South America (read Venezuela). His seventeen-night Mandatory Attendance Tour kicked off this evening in Caracas, the country’s capitol, where he belted out a medley of Houston hits, including “How Will I Know?”, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, “Queen of the Night”, and “I Will Always Love You”. The last one was technically a cover version of Whitney’s cover version of Dolly Parton’s hit, but hey, who’s counting?
The opening night performance was beset with applause signs and gentle “reminders” from the national police force to applaud, even though Mr. Chavez’s intonation was second to a tone-deaf turtle. Despite the music shortcomings and his back-up band’s constant over-reliance on reverb and flanging effects, Chavez managed to complete his first three-hour performance in just under four hours. Costuming was elegant, if a bit on the bawdy side, and the pyrotechnics consisted of flak cannons opening fire on imaginary U.S. spy planes at various random intervals.
For the finale, Mr. Chavez grabbed up two children from the audience and screamed a high note in their faces for about a minute and half. The entire, heart-rending episode was captured for posterity on national TV. The DVD will be available next month, along with a double CD live album entitled “Hugo Sings Houston! Live in Caracas!” Amazon.com is now taking pre-orders so get your copy while you can.
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May
15
We just wanted to take this opportunity to warn our readers to beware the Ides of May. Thank you. And be careful out there!
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May
7
Art School Students Start “Save the Oil Spill” Campaign
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings | 05 7th, 2010| No Comments »
hossvarad | Eco-Maniacs, Gloom & Doom, Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings | 05 7th, 2010| No Comments »
LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA – Students from the McNeese State University School of the Arts ventured down to Holly Beach, Louisiana today to stage a protest against the ongoing oil spill clean-up efforts. Despite President Obama’s immediate and compassionate response to the burgeoning ecological disaster, many in Louisiana feel that the gushing oil gives the otherwise brackish waters of the Gulf of Mexico a high-gloss sheen that is “pretty” and “artistic”.
“The government just has no sense of style,” said Martin Roubideaux, a seventh-year senior at MSU. “When the sun hits the water just right, you can see a panoply of colors erupt from surface like a neon fractal. It’s magnificent! Now, they want to take that all away and that just flat-out sucks!”
When confronted with the impact on the Louisiana economy and the supply of fresh fish and shrimps from the Gulf, another student retorted “Beauty trumps seafood.”
The loose-knit, highly-chaotic group plan to take their protests to the capital city of Baton Rouge and, eventually, Washington, DC, later on. That is, if they can sell enough artwork to raise the money to travel. In the meantime, they have encouraged other aesthetically-minded Americans to “enjoy the colors” that the spill provides.
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Apr
4
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA – In order to shore up it’s seemingly perennially beleaguered late night talk show, NBC announced today that it will be moving to an all-new format of “host for a year”. This new, dynamic formula, crafted by the finest minds in late night television broadcasting, is the result of the staggering success of Conan O’Brien, who hosted the popular “Tonight Show” for about six months or so, then, the return of Jay Leno, who also had his own show for a little bit.
Needless to say, the off-set hi jinks were far more entertaining than the material created by the shows’ respective writers. Now, the network big wigs have finally struck what amounts to TV gold: why not have other, liberal, unfunny hosts on for a little bit of time each? It could be like soup of the day, only with with hosts and longer periods of time!
“This is the opportunity of a lifetime!” said Mort Bergman, an exec at NBC who changed his name for the purposes of our interview. “Imagine who all we could get: Michael Moore, Bill Maher, Helen Hunt, Larry King, Tim Robbins, and even big-time celebrities like Hillary Rodham Clinton! We can hardly wait and, frankly, the availability of some of these talents is increasing daily. We’ll have our pick of the has-been litter!”
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Mar
5
WASHINGTON, DC – Shrieker of the House, Nancy “Edward” Pelosi gave a lengthy
presentation to those gathered on Capitol Hill today, demonstrating the correct way to
take a drag from a joint. Much like her beloved colleague, Health and Inhuman Services
Secretary Kathleen Sibelius, Speaker Pelosi has taken a hands-on approach to instructing
congressmen how to puff a blunt without looking stupid or without drawing undue
attention from the po-po.
“Marijuana cigarettes are a valuable asset to our Washington-based community,” said the Shrieker.
“Knowing how to properly toke not only saves lives, it creates jobs, heals our environment,
and makes you more popular with black people. So it’s really a win-win-win. But you can’t
go around huffing on it like some kinda Poindexter. Feel me?”
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Feb
24
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Cash-strapped Los Angeles is pulling out all the stops to raise a little money. Since their city bureaucracies have become a transmogrified visage of responsible governance over the past half century, the Los Angeles City Council(tm) along with its low-calorie, organic counterpart, the Los Angeles City Council Lite(tm) have mandated an unprecedented crackdown on all things unlicensed within their jurisdiction.
The city government of LA have agreed to have two separate groups of public-funded busybodies snoop into the everyday affairs of its victims citizens, looking for dogs without licenses, non-union plumbers, unattended Confidential Informants for the police department, non-certified sandwich artists at Subway restaurants–the works. According to the city’s own ordinances, everyone that owns something or does something in Los Angeles needs to pay a $15 fine to the city to be “authorized”.
For example, Council President Eric Garcetti (no, that’s not a pasta dish) estimates two-thirds of the city’s dogs are unlicensed. Of course, his estimation has often been held in little regard by the other council members, like Ki-Adi Mundi, Plo Koon, and Mace Windu, who consider Garcetti a man with anger issues that might quickly be lead to the Dark Side of the Force(tm).
However, if the city could just get all dogs licensed, projections indicate the greedy, bloated, omnipresent government would scrape together at least an additional $3.6 million in fees. This amount could keep the City Council’s air conditioners running for another six to eight hours this June, when the weather in California is hotter than, say, January. The cost of rounding up all the dogs is estimated to be around $12.3 million.
Interesting Factoid: As a curious and irrelevant aside, the Department of Animal Services in Los Angeles has eight full-time people, six half-time people, and three half-people, whose job is to find and license dogs. They don’t actually service the animals, which is common misconception, by the way. Anyway, if they all left LA on a train, traveling west into the Pacific Ocean at seven hundred miles per hour, who would get the TV rights? OK. Factoid over.
Further, the City Council has agreed to create further bureaucracies, each operating at a dead loss, to track down, harass, and extort money from otherwise law-abiding Angelinos. By the time the effort is complete, the city will be another $300 million further in debt, but at least all those fees will be paid. Ain’t California great, kids?
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Feb
19
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Agents close to the giant, pulsing disembodied brain that controls the terrorist organization known as “Hamas” have just recently published a press release, stating that the paramilitary Islamic group is creating a help desk to aid aspiring terrorists with their continuing jihad efforts. It is hoped this new group of highly-trained customer care experts, collectively known as the Hamas Help Line, will be a boon to the illiterate throngs of Muslims who can’t not read good and require additional assistance from live telephone operators.
“It’s good to know that, if I have trouble assembling a bomb in my Speedo that Hamas Help Line is there,” said Syed Ahmed Husseini, 13. “Sometimes, I can’t read the diagrams and with one quick call, I know one of our fanatic friends can talk me through the tough stuff.”
In addition to offering assistance with bomb making, Hamas Help Line can also aid aspiring jihadists with picking the right kaffiyeh, field-stripping and re-assembling machine guns, riding surfboards into air craft carriers, publishing pro-death screeds, filming beheadings of GI Joe dolls, reading the happy parts of the Koran, or just making an origami swan now and then.
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Feb
17
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Milton Hughes is, apparently, a psychological anomaly. Hughes was recommended for mental evaluation following a recent outburst at a local Denny’s, where he called a waitress “Honey”, forgot to say “Thank you” when his order arrived, and seemingly had the gall to ask for a second pot of coffee. Local authorities were called to scene and, after an evening in lock-up, Hughes was released on his own recognizance if he would submit to a battery of irrelevant ink blot tests.
Fearing he had no choice, Hughes consented. However, the tests, administered by Dr. Ruth Finkleman, a long-time psychologizer and evaluatician of other people’s saneness, found the Rorschach tests “inconclusive”. Dr. Finkleman, who is writing a children’s book about schizophrenia as it relates to popular cartoon characters, couldn’t believe the results at first. Later on, she recanted and said that “disbelief” might have been too harsh a word and she feared for the tests’ mental wellness in light of her insensitive remarks.
“This is so unusual, like, y’know?” said Dr. Finkleman, speaking to our JP! reporter on the scene. “Rorschach tests are the bomb! I, like, can’t believe they were inconclusive! Now, how am I supposed to know if, like, you know, Mr. Hughes is nuts or what? I mean, I think he’s bonkers, but now I can’t prove it!”
Mr. Hughes’ case was ridden, then dismissed.
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Feb
5
Bus Loads of Homosexuals Mistakenly Attend Tea Party Convention
hossvarad | Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 02 5th, 2010| No Comments »
hossvarad | Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 02 5th, 2010| No Comments »
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – A large group of homosexuals, dressed in “festive” attire, traveled from near and far to attend the Tea Party Convention today, only to be shocked and surprised at the lack of actual teabaggers present. While they tarried a while, the entire incident was chalked up to one big misunderstanding.
“This is so embarrassing!” said Monty Lawson, a frame shop owner from P Town, Massachusetts. “I came here expecting a drunken orgy where I could tea bag some anonymous people and it turns out, there’s nobody here but stodgy old heterosexual people! What gives?”
Greg “Check Me” Johnson from West Hollywood, California, agreed. “The media really screwed us on this. For the past several months, I kept thinking that tea bagging was going mainstream, y’know? I heard about all those rallies in all those cities and I thought, ‘Yeah! America’s finally coming around! Now I can openly tea bag people on my lawn or at the Post Office or the bus stop if I want to’. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Boy, was I taken in! MSNBC’s got some explaining to do!”
Other homosexual attendees were initially encouraged to hear that Sarah Palin would be at the event, until they learned that it was basically a tax protest.
“You can’t imagine what a drag this has been — no pun intended!” said John Wang, a gay performance artist from Key West, Florida. “When I heard this event was being held at the Gaylord Opry House, I was totally sold and I pawned a couple of my old Air Supply eight tracks to make the trip here. Anyway, long story short: I came looking for some hot love action and all I got was this lousy ‘Hope, Change: Biden 2010‘ t-shirt! I hate you, Keith Olberman!”
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Feb
4
WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has announced today that President Obama’s Very “First Ever”* State of the Union Address will be “made available”** to elementary school children all across the nation in the coming weeks on the very popular DVD format. Media types and pundits hailed the move as another historic moment in our country’s narrative, but wondered how the school children of the great “Fly Over Country” would be able to view the Region 2 format of the discs, since they were ostensibly made for members of the UK Parliament, but were refused on arrival by both Labour Party leaders and Torries alike.
“We had to do something with them,” said VPOTUS Joe “Plugs” Biden, taking a break from making fun of paraplegics in Missouri. “Why not give them to the school kids? Then, they can watch Barry utter those eloquent words of his over and over in the privacy of their own bathrooms — I mean classrooms. Sorry, I was thinking of Ken Jenkins there for a second.”
However, while the White House did get the correct region encoding for Europe this time, they failed to anticipate the utter lack of interest on the part of UK government officials. However, marketing gurus have pointed out the DVD does sport a great picture of Obama smiling before his ubiquitous teleprompters while flipping off the Supreme Court Justices on the cover, along with animated menus, anamorphic picture, a transcript of the speech, and another 70 minutes of his speech that wasn’t aired because the camera men and audio guys drifted off to sleep during the lecture speech.
“If we can’t give the people health care, we should at least help them get some sleep,” said Rahm Emmanuel, picking his teeth with a Ka-Bar knife. “And I think, on that level, the address was quite successful. We’re one step closer to curing insomnia once and for all. Hey, have I shown you my missing finger yet?”
* Actually, it was the third time he’s spoken before the joint Houses of Congress.
** “government-school mandated viewing”.
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