Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, at a dinner mostly attended by Muslims, President Barry Hashpipe Obama praised Ishtar, the first movie Muslims are allowed to watch each year during Ramadan, and also said he thought the Ground Zero Mosque Project(tm) in New York City was a pretty good idea.

“Muslims gotta pray, you know?” quipped Barry, drinking a punch bowl of political hemlock. “From my experience, it’s a lot of prayers every day. After all, Al Qaeda went to all the trouble of clearing that site, the least we can do is build a big ‘cultural center’ there to flip off the survivors, right? Let me be clear, the policies of the past are either going backward or forward.”

President Obama went on to say a lot of other stuff, including the fact he thought mosques were “really groovy” in general, but no one was listening any more. Michelle was unavailable for comment because she was too busy eating couscous to say anything.

When asked about the potential political fallout from this little outburst, the President said “Why? What’s the worst that could happen? I won. Isn’t that enough?”

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WASHINGTON, DC – In an apparent move to downsize the staggering number of czars in his administration, President Brock H. Obamma today announced that he would be canning the Ethics Czar, Norm Eisen. Instead, the eloquent and lovable Mr. Eisen will be shipped to the Czech Republic, where he is to sell friendship bracelets to former Soviet sympathizers in an effort to build bridges to whatever, yadda yadda wonky talk. The move signals the administration’s determination to become even less transparent for the upcoming election season.

“Norm just wasn’t needed in Washington, DC,” said President Obama today, with the aid of semi-fore flag wavers. “It’s just becoming increasingly difficult to justify using a guy for ethics when most of us don’t even know what ethics is. Besides, I thought the position was called ‘Ethnics Czar’, anyway. Who needs some flabby white Jewish guy for that?”

Mr. Eisen could not be reached for comment.

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TEHRAN, IRAN – Today secret photos were leaked that indicate Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a member of a secret globalist cabal known only to outsiders as “The Diaperheads”. This photo was taken earlier today in Ahmadinejad’s private outdoor cabana and leaked to JunkPanic! via our vast international network of cyberspies.

In accordance with legend, The Diaperheads intend to co-opt major countries by stealing elections and then parading around in public with cloth diapers attached to their heads to show their blatant disrespect for society’s conventions. Other suspected operatives of this top-secret international group include Osama bin Laden, Moammar Ghaddaffy, Sarah Jessica Parker, and U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama. Skeptical? See the pictures below for all the evidence that you will ever, ever need! Don’t say we didn’t warn you about this conspiracy, either. We did. Hope your week is filled with paranoia.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, we are lead to believe, is President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama’s birthday. As her gift to Jakarta Barry, First Lady Michelle “James Brown” Obama has left the country with their daughter, Malaria, allowing her husband a measure of freedom in the White House all by himself*. The president, whom we’re told is 49 years old today, rejoiced at the prospect of leaving the toilet seats up and having a lot of his egghead Ivy League cronies over for a manly game of bridge later this evening.

So, in the spirit of celebration, we here at JP! say “Happy Birthday, Imperious Leader!”

*It is unclear where the president’s other daughter, Sachet, will be today, but we imagine Barry can find and hire a sitter all by himself. Right?

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If we weren’t convinced before to buy one, we certainly are now. Love the song, too. It adds a little something “extra”.

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Today, in a candid interview with the high-heeled linebacker club known collectively as the cast of The View, President Barack Hussein Obama showed his slightly less feminine side as he joked, cavorted, and cracked wise during the program’s taping today.

When asked difficult questions about his racial background, Obama seemed flustered for a bit before he responded that blacks were a mongrel people–a statement that was sure to warm the cockles of every African-American’s heart from sea to shining sea.

“So I guess, in a way, you could say, I’m a mongrel, too,” said Obama sheepishly. “I’m a Mongrolian.”

Despite the boost of estrogen provided to the show by the president’s appearance there, these comments and others seemed to have stirred up more controversy for the increasingly unpopular president. Perhaps he’ll do better when he insults other ethnic groups at his upcoming guest judge spot on Iron Chef America.

“I know I’ll be safer there,” said Barack Hussein after today’s taping. “Michelle doesn’t like cooking shows.”

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In light of the passing of the irrepressible and indomitable John “Effing” Kerry, a local taxidermist shop in Boston has had the long-time legislator frozen in an “action pose” in accordance with the late senator’s last will and testament. The pose, which family members, artists, and other befuddled onlookers have called “the bewildered thinker” was used rather than Kerry’s more infamous “Blue Steel” or “Magnum” looks.

“This is just so awful,” sniffed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger, impersonating Zsa-Zsa Gabor. “One moment he was just sitting there talking in his lifeless way and then he was just… lifeless. It took me three weeks to notice! I’m so ashamed. Now, I’m going to have to go shopping to overcome my grief.”

The preserved corpse of the former junior senator from the Bay State will be on display at the Commonwealth Museum through the month of December, after which, it will be moved to a broom closet in Chuck Shumer’s Alpine villa, where it truly belongs.

UPDATE: It appears John Kerry isn’t dead after all. He was just stymied again. Our bad. We especially regret any inconvenience this story may have caused the formerly widowed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger. We’ll send you a case of ketchup, ok?

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SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND – Here at JP!, we value the opinions of all, especially literary masters such as J. R. R. Tolkien. It seems, the late Mr. Tolkien was more prescient than even we had believed, as is evidenced by this snippet from the Lord of the Rings, where he aptly writes the following:

“Those who listened unwarily to that voice could seldom report the words that they heard; and if they did, they wondered, for little power remained in them. Mostly they remembered only that it was a delight to hear the voice speaking, all that it said seemed wise and reasonable, and desire awoke in them by swift agreement to seem wise themselves.

When others spoke they seemed harsh and uncouth by contrast; and if they gainsaid the voice, anger was kindled in the hearts of those under the spell.

For some the spell lasted only while the voice spoke to them, and when it spake to another they smiled, as men do who see through a juggler’s trick while others gape at it.

For many the sound of the voice alone was enough to hold them enthralled; but for those whom it conquered the spell endured when they were far away, and ever they heard that soft voice whispering and urging them.”

Sounds like Obama and his thralls to us. Thanks, Mr. Tolkien. For everything.

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HONOLULU, HAWAII – As New Yorkers debate the need and purpose of having a giant mosque built at Ground Zero, the State of Hawaii has secretly been debating a similar issue: whether or not to build a shrine to the late Japanese Emperor Hirohito at Pearl Harbor. While it may be controversial to some, Hawaii is merely following the lead of New York in showing America’s multicultural and religious sensitivity to the world.

“When you think about it, the mosque and the shrine to Hirohito would make excellent geographical and philosophical bookends,” said former Hawaii Governor Joseph Poindexter. “After all, the late, great President Franklin D. Roosevelt ruthlessly put Japanese-Americans in internment camps during World War II. That really wasn’t very nice and we should make restitution to them in some small way. We feel that, if approved, this Hirohito national landmark, honoring the earth-bound deity of the Japanese Emperor, would mend a lot of fences that we insensitive white people have broken with all the little colored peoples of the world.”

If the Shrine to Hirohito goes well, the State of Texas may well consider a National General Santa Ana Museum near the site of the Alamo. It would be roughly the size of the state of Hawaii.

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PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*.

The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week.

As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Nicholas Sarkozy has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to free France from those who spent too much time watching old cartoons in the 1980s.

*Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world, or so we have heard.

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WASHINGTON, DC – During a series of brief meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, U.S. President Barack Hussein Soetoro prattled on about how strong the relationship between the United States and Israel is–especially under his “leadership”. Among some of his incessant monotone drivel were weak platitudes about the “historic nature” of the bond between the nations and how the U.S. has “got Israel’s back” if bad things happen in the Middle East. Yeah. Like that would ever happen.

“I think the relationship between our countries is strong enough now that we can start attacking other people,” said President Obama from the Yellow Oval Room of the White House. “If Israel needs to take it to Iran, for example, that’s okay by me. I mean, it’s Israel’s duty to clean up the messes that I helped create, right? Sure, we could have helped topple Ahmadinejad after that sham of an election in Iran, but I chose to sit and spin instead. Now, the entire region is imperiled to the point that the UAE, Saudi Arabia, and others are insisting that Israel nuke their Muslim brothers to prevent total nightmare. Oh, hey, Bibi! Bring me a beer, would you? I feel another cop-professor-President summit comin’ on!”

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PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA – In accordance with a new missive from the titular head of the New Black Panthers(tm), Minister King Samir Shabazz, radical, socialist-leaning black folks all across the United States have recently started hijacking truckloads of Saltines and destroying them on the roadsides, highways, and byways of the nation. The reason? Simple. According to Shabazz (who has an inequitable number of “z”s in his name), destroying crackers will bring about freedom.

Addressing nobody in particular, Shabazz recently ranted “You want freedom? You’re gonna have to kill some crackers! You’re gonna have to kill some of their babies!”

While it remains unclear how salted snacks reproduce, the basic game plan seems self-explanatory: no crackers, know peace. However, some in the New Black Panthers(tm) have raised points of clarification, asking whether it was just Saltines or if other types of crackers should be included in the snackicidal push for freedom.

“I really respect Minister Shabazz, especially since he added the second ‘z’ to the end of his name. That’s dope,” said Antoine “Kool-Aid” Al Farooqi, a loyal member of the New Black Panthers(tm). “But I needs to know if we just killin’ white crackers or what. I mean, they’s all kind o’ crackers out there: zweibacks, multi-grain, Melba toast, sesame seed, stone ground, you name it. Do we kills ‘em all or just the white ones, like Saltines?”

The answer to these issues may never be answered, as Minister Shabazzz, who recently added a third ‘z’ to his pseudo-Islamic moniker to up his coolness factor, could not be reached for comment. Stay tuned to JP! for the latest developments on this controversial issue.

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Here at JunkPanic!, we don’t run around all over the world apologizing for our country. We believe the United States of America is the greatest nation in the history of the world and we’re not going to apologize for that. So, as millions of Americans take time to visit with friends and family this Independence Day, we encourage everyone to pause and reflect about how blessed we all are to live here in the U.S.A. (still!). So, God bless America and happy Fourth of July to everyone from all of us here at JP!

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WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Not everything in America is going to crap during the Obama Presidency. At least not according to Les Gunderson, a life-long West Chester resident. Gunderson, who had terminal lymphoma and was confined to his home for the past several years due to other medical conditions, suddenly started feeling better last Thursday while watching re-runs of the President’s lasted excursion to the golf course.

“It was a very strange feeling,” said Gunderson, recalling the miraculous day. “I was just watching President Obama struggling to get back down to fifty under par on the seventh hole and the words just popped into my head ‘yes, you can’. I thought it was just a bit of undigested beef or something, but then I heard it again louder, along with ‘touch your TV’. So I did. And I was healed!”

Indeed, after further medical evaluation, Les was cleared of all previously-existing medical conditions and given a clean bill of health from his family’s doctor.

“Just think! I can go back to playing rugby again!” said an elated Gunderson to our JP! reporters on the scene. “And I owe it all to President Obama’s playing golf! I sure do feel better now!”

However, Mr. Gunderson was not alone. Reports have been coming in from all over the country, saying other long-time Democrats have been similarly healed by Obama’s 300-stroke golf games on TV. Surely, with such miraculous healings occurring all across the land, the President should continue to golf before turning his attention to petty ecological disasters in the southern part of fly-over country.

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NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA – President Barack Mufti Hussein Obama took time from his busy golfing and dining schedule to visit the Gulf Coast this week. However, unlike last visit where he spent three grueling hours on the beach taste-testing tar balls, the President brought along some new technology to help turn the oily tide.

“This may look like just an ordinary drinking straw to most of you non-Harvard graduates here today,” said President Soetoro, holding aloft a dark-colored drinking pipette. “However, this is actually a high-tech filtration device that has been proven to remove petroleum waste from water. It will also remove all alcohol from Bushwackers and other adult beverages.”

The President continued: “You see, you just stick one end of the straw in your beverage–or in your case, the Gulf Coast waters–and drink normally. Ahh! What a delicious beverage! Now, FEMA will be down here in a year or so with about three hundred million of these things, handing them out in exchange for your personal information. Then, since you all suck anyway, you can just slurp up the oily contaminates from the water before they reach Arkansas. All the oil just gets trapped in the straw, passing the pure, naturally salinated gulf water into your intestines for further filtering. Genius, ain’t it? Rahm and I have stock in the company that makes these and–wouldn’t you know it?–they’ve just landed a lucrative government contract. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some more vacationing to do before I blame BP and capitalism for all of this….”

Barry then proceeded to drink some more mojitos, Bushwhackers, mai tais, and other assorted drinks to further prove the straw’s efficacy… with mixed results.

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TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – While his campaign for U.S. Senate may have stalled in the oil-slicked waters off the coast of his state, Governor Charlie Crist took time out from his tanning sessions to show other Floridians how to make out with random women. Starting with his wife at the Crist campaign headquarters, the governor then proceeded to plant big, sloppy smooches on his female aides, supporters, and passersby — about twelve women in total.

“If you can’t make out with whatever woman you want to, what’s the point of living in Florida?” said Crist.

When asked if he was worried about potential sexual harassment lawsuits, the governor was indifferent: “Let’s face it. My political career is pretty much over. That Marco Rubio character is younger, handsomer, more bilingual-er, and almost as tan as me, which puts my entire election effort as an independent firmly in the ‘waste of time’ category. Plus, he says a lot of stuff that most folks in Florida agree with and I don’t. That’s also working against me.”

Crist went on to explain that he’d been phoning in his duties in light of his impending ouster as governor this fall and nearly inevitable loss to Rubio for U.S. Senate.

“So let’s eat, drink, and be merry while I can still expense it out to the taxpayers of this great state!” said Crist. “And don’t forget to kiss a stranger. Those college kids have hogged the mononucleosis for far too long! Woo-hoo!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Yesterday, President Barack “Barry Soetoro” Obama, defended his lack of action viz-a-viz the oil spill catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico on national television. In his usual cure-for-insomnia tones, President Obama said “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar; we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”

The President’s comments, intended to give him a “tough guy” image, only managed to enrage animal rights activists around the country, who are demanding Obama apologize to the country’s sizable asinine population for his violent and insensitive remarks against them.

“I couldn’t believe my ears!” said Dr. Judith Huff, director of the Asinine Association of America. “Why would the President incite violence against these beautiful creatures? It’s just not right and Mr. Obama should apologize right away!”

So far, the White House has not issued a retraction, apology, or clarification over the “ass kicking” comment. The donkeys of America are waiting.

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SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA – Tonight, in an intimate political rally, soon-to-be-former Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, sits sadly at a piano bench, idly playing a wistful melody at the VFW hall’s slightly out-of-tune upright piano. The seventeen or so onlookers who had come by for the “live band” and community chili supper shook their heads sadly in disbelief while Crist’s bodyguards, roadies, and other political magpies circled around the stage, shouting “Go! Charlie, go!” and other such enthusiastic nonsense.

After about a half hour, Mr. Crist leaned over his microphone to address the people assembled in the hall. “You know, folks. I’m playing some sad songs tonight. Why? Because I’m a lonely guy.”

Indeed, attendance at Crist’s political rallies went from tepid to apathetic to non-existent in just a two-month time span. After hugging the increasingly-unpopular President Obama in public, saying he was for more stimulus money, and basically making an ass out of himself as a Republican, the newly-independent Crist decided to tour the state backed up by a three-piece jazz combo to raise awareness for his flagging campaign. Due to the mixed results of the Charlie Crist “So Tan It Hurts Tour, 2010″, he has vowed to add dancing naked dwarf jugglers on unicycles to the act and give out free lifetime subscriptions to the Miami Herald to anyone who will just come by, say “hi”, and give ol’ Charlie a hug.

Stay tuned for Senator Marco Rubio.

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“Be sure not to focus much on Harry, OK?”

DESERT DOOM, NV – Seeing that his bid for re-election is in serious jeopardy, Senate Majority Leader Harry “Pitts” Reid called in a true professional for a total, last-minute, emergency image makeover: First Lady Michelle Obama.

Known for her ability to brighten up a room with her gracious smile and effervescent charms, Mrs. Obama gladly answered the call by donning the most retina-searing get-up possible and jumping the first publicly-funded flight out of DC to Desert Doom, Nevada, to help. Upon arriving, she and Mr. Reid played a game of patty-cake in the desert for about six or seven minutes before Harry forgot where he was and Michelle stormed off to the plane to fly away.

“At this point, I don’t even know who my opponent is going to be,” said Reid. “There are so many people polling better than I am, I kinda lose track of who they all are. Hell! I’m likely to vote for one of them myself. Anyway, Limbaugh is evil and everyone should be happy about their Soviet-style medical system that we’ve installed. Vote for me!”

Since no-one was present to witness this except the pilot who took the picture, it is unclear whether or not this will give Senator Reid a bump in the polls. Nevertheless, the entire event was deemed a success.

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Thousands of illegals took to the streets of Los Angeles today, hoisting pro Socialist International banners and pictures of the omni-benevolent Che Guevara. The purpose? To protest perceived injustices in the United States. Choosing May Day, a flagrantly Communist occasion to voice their grievances, was somewhat of a masterstroke for Raul “Not That Raul” Castro, a self-styled “barrio organizer” and Saul Alinsky acolyte, who managed the entire event online from his home in Malibu.

Speaking through an interpreter, Castro addressed the crowd in his native English:

“You guys are really smelly! But more importantly, you are really mad! And I don’t blame you! Anyway, thanks for coming out today. Please see my associates at the table over there in order to get your free 32 oz. soft drink vouchers.”

Castro then went on to present the group’s reasons for further screwing up the traffic patterns in LA: “We Latinos are fed up, you know? We come to America for a better life and what do we get? Blatant racism, blatant capitalism, and blatant blatantism. For starters, the streets are too clean. This alienates many Mexicans almost immediately. Second, American beer names were too hard to pronounce for native Spanish speakers. Third, many of our people have unreliable cable channels and have to rely on regular TV some times. Fourth, Arizona stinks. How dare they enforce their laws? Fifth, the food in America is way too bland! And finally, where are the open drug cartel shootouts in the street? All this lack of shootings and kidnappings is really disorienting for most of us marching here today.”

Castro then went on to say that life in Mexico was a lot better, but it was just too far south for many illegals to walk home. Then, the protest dispersed for a well-deserved siesta.

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