LONDON, ENGLAND (UK) – After years of rigorous research and lengthy taste-tests with the SAS, scientists in England have discovered that insects are not only tasty and nutritious, but also good for Mother Earth.
Since growing numbers of upper-income flakes in overly-wealthy industrialized nations are straying away from traditional meats like beef, pork, lamb, chicken, and fish, the lack of protein and other vital nutrients was starting to take a toll on their productivity.
“Being vegan is great and all,” said Sally Forth, a computer technician at one of Britain’s largest computer technology places, “but the lack of animal protein in that lifestyle really reduces one’s energy levels. It’s hard to click a mouse when you haven’t eaten anything of substance!”
Beyond filling the artificially-created protein gap in many stupid white people’s diets, several guys in lab coats with British accents feel that insectoid flesh might just be the ticket.
“Crickets are just as yummy as Raisin Bran,” said Dr. Nigel Pumphrey, lead scientist guy of the Bugs Are Really Fantastic Institute of Nutrition and Gastronomy (BARFING) at Oxford University. “When you bite into a cicada or a cockroach, freshly grilled with some cilantro-lime dressing and a side of jasmine steamed rice, you will be experiencing a sublime taste experience unlike any other. Bugs are high in protein and their exoskeletons make a lovely popping sound when you eat them.”
Dr. Ralph Daley of BARFING concurs with the study’s findings, stating further that “Eating bugs reduces the total number of pests in the world, and so it’s really good for the environment and crap like that. Really, you’ll be glad you’re scarfing down insects just thinking about how you’re saving the planet.”
“Bugs are highly complex from a gastronomical standpoint,” said Chef Zinny MacRae, who serves several types of crunchy invertebrates in his upscale bistro in London’s Soho district. “When dried, some insects can have up to twice the protein of meat and fish, while others are an excellent source of unsaturated fats, vitamins, and minerals. Not to mention, the taste is out of this world!”
Food industry experts believe that one day, insects could be marketed as a low-fat alternative to such staple snack foods as potato chips, popcorn, and even caviar. Forward-thinking companies, such as Frito-Lay are already constructing enormous ant farms and roach colonies to get a head start on the inevitable surge of insect consumption in Europe, Australia, Canada, and Los Estados Unidos.
“Traditionally, bugs as food has been frowned on largely due to the ‘ick’ factor,” said Dr. Daley. “With more publicly-funded scientific studies, however, we hope to overcome the revulsion most people feel toward eating bugs and replace it with a sense of duty to the environment — no matter what that might be.”
However, lesser-developed, crappy nations in other reaches of the world have been reaping the benefits of consuming insects for years. Asian countries enjoy such delicious and appetizing dishes as stir-fried crickets and roasted caterpillars, Mexicans feast on heaping piles of squirming grubs, and several African and South Pacific nations chow down on locusts, larvae, maggots, dragonflies, and other creepy bugs whose names are really hard to say.
“In many places in Southeast Asia, deep-fried insects are sold as street food and many markets sell dried bugs by the pound as key mystery ingredients for many dishes. And, see? Their lack of industry and consumption of gross wriggly varmints has made them morally superior to us in the West,” said Phil Moore, spokesorifice for Greenfarce, a minimally environmental political action group bent on overturning the immutable market forces of human psychology. “If Americans would willingly subject themselves to third-world living conditions, riding bikes or oxen to work, and eat more insects, they would not leave such a giant, carbon-based stain on the environment and would be morally better, to boot. Our group sells ready-to-eat spiders, by the way…”
Some scientists feel that insects are arthropods, and as such, should taste just as good as other commonly-ingested arthropods like lobster, crab, shrimp, and multi-tentacled space bugs from Alpha Centauri.
However, there is widespread resistance among consumers toward the idea of eating insects as a food source. Most people in the Earth-damaging industrialized nations feel they are “nasty” or “creepy” or some other negative adjective.
“Let’s face it: bugs are yicky,” said Dr. Armin Mueller-Stahl of the Teutonic Institute for Culinary Knowledge in Vienna, Austria. “Nobody in Europe, Australia, or America will eat bugs. They are just not very appetizing. I want to upchuck just thinking about eating them. It’s gross, really. Screw the planet! Eat cheese and chocolate instead!”
In poor, backwards countries that are more Earth-friendly, however, governments have taken an active role in encouraging their citizens to eat insects, even distributing recipes to the populace where necessary.
Some English chef, who serves weird and vomit-inducing foods, said: “Bugs are good food, man. Once you get past the moment where you look that cricket or locust in the eye and feel the satisfying crunch of their exoskeleton against your molars, you will be hooked. The stomach illnesses only last for a day or so anyway. Besides, if you don’t eat bugs, you hate the planet and you should die. You’d rather eat a bug than die, right?”
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hossvarad | 
02 17th, 2010| 
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Milton Hughes is, apparently, a psychological anomaly. Hughes was recommended for mental evaluation following a recent outburst at a local Denny’s, where he called a waitress “Honey”, forgot to say “Thank you” when his order arrived, and seemingly had the gall to ask for a second pot of coffee. Local authorities were called to scene and, after an evening in lock-up, Hughes was released on his own recognizance if he would submit to a battery of irrelevant ink blot tests.
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HOUSTON, TX – The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) issued a press release today, promising to use 
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