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“We are now a real-live nation,” said Mahmoud, speaking in front of a teeming crowd of foil hat wearing admirers. “With nuclear ‘power’, we will finally be able to break our dependence on foreign electrical companies and our dhimmi population can finally take a break from those treadmills. Besides, we can now create a bomb and kill all the Jews, so that’s kind of an extra.”

While the facts of Ahmadinejad’s insane ramblings have yet to be verified by anyone north of sane, the nation is planning on holding an all-week kegger in honor of both Ramadan and the fact that they have lurched into the mid-20th century in terms of their nuclear technology.

“Now, we can hold modern-style missile parades through the streets of Tehran, just like the Soviets used to do. After all, we’re buying their modern, rust-colored missiles for this purpose. We’re working on a mule-powered delivery system now that should be the envy of infidel pig-dogs all across the world! Won’t that be keen?”

Other innovations set to propel  Iran into first-world status include: flush toilets, crank-start automobiles, nation-wide phone service, indoor wood-fired ovens, electric abacuses, and learning English. We’ve been informed that when they’re not waiting on that guy living in a well, Iranian scientists are working almost around the clock on making these modern wonders a reality.

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Obama takes a break from his hectic golfing and vacationing schedule to show the American people Michelle’s favorite fist.

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“Muslims gotta pray, you know?” quipped Barry, drinking a punch bowl of political hemlock. “From my experience, it’s a lot of prayers every day. After all, Al Qaeda went to all the trouble of clearing that site, the least we can do is build a big ‘cultural center’ there to flip off the survivors, right? Let me be clear, the policies of the past are either going backward or forward.”

President Obama went on to say a lot of other stuff, including the fact he thought mosques were “really groovy” in general, but no one was listening any more. Michelle was unavailable for comment because she was too busy eating couscous to say anything.

When asked about the potential political fallout from this little outburst, the President said “Why? What’s the worst that could happen? I won. Isn’t that enough?”

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“Norm just wasn’t needed in Washington, DC,” said President Obama today, with the aid of semi-fore flag wavers. “It’s just becoming increasingly difficult to justify using a guy for ethics when most of us don’t even know what ethics is. Besides, I thought the position was called ‘Ethnics Czar’, anyway. Who needs some flabby white Jewish guy for that?”

Mr. Eisen could not be reached for comment.

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