Anthony "The Thinker" Weiner

It’s been a few days since the staggering announcement that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) would be resigning from the U.S. Congress amid a sexting scandal. So, now that the dust has settled a little, we thought it would be fun to take a look back at the man who brought so many junior high locker room jokes to the fore of our national consciousness again.

Despite being an arrogant, pedantic and diminutive wart on the rump of the body politic, Weiner never ceased to amaze the lumpen-proletariat with his wide range of facial expressions and pithy phrases. Therefore, it is only fitting that we send off this great statesman with a heart-felt series of photos designed to highlight the many looks of former Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), called “Weinerfaces”.

Resigning due to a self-inflicted public (pubic?) humiliation is nasty business, so we would ask you, gentle reader, to please refrain from sniggering and gaffawing at the plight of poor Tony Weiner–or his name (yes, “Anthony” is kinda funny sounding).  Thus, we would ask that you respectfully enjoy this first in a retroactive look at a man who has successfully shot himself in both feet.

Without further ado, then, we present Anthony Weiner’s “The Thinker” pose, showcasing the man’s commitment to mulling over the big ideas. Note the furrowed brow, furtive expression, and creative positioning of the right hand across pursed lips (we are unsure from the photo what the left hand is doing), signifying he is a real bright dude.

Apparently, the MBA program at Villanova was far more rigorous than we thought. After nearly two years of holding out, young Debbie finally cracked. Baskets and rainbows not included. Viewer discretion is advised.

The mission? Fly tiny planes into every single traffic light in every major metropolitan area in the United States. The resulting chaos, Bin Laden reasoned, would lead to multiple car crashes, people being late for work, delivery trucks being gridlocked, and so forth. In short, it would be mass pandemonium and a masterstroke for the Religion of Peace and Quiet™.

The plan called for thousands of tiny planes to be piloted by the most dedicated and diminutive Islamic extremists, which would be obtained by surreptitious raids on hobby store shipments. Each plane would then be loaded with explosive flatulence, set on fire and flown on a one-way kamikaze mission to take out a single intersection.

“Think of all the martyrs we’ll have,” said the poorly-written note, ostensibly penned by OBL himself, “and the calamity that will befall the Great Satan™ when all of their traffic lights go out at once. Then, we will strike, moving in with our slingshots and pointy sticks, taking over their feeble, immoral and corrupt nation to make the world safe for falafel once and for all. Mwahahaha!”

However well-thought-out, the plan never came to fruition thanks to the ultra-courageous call of President Barry Soetoro, who watched from the comfort of his situation room many thousands of miles away. Thanks, Barry. Now we can all get to the unemployment office without further complications in the traffic patterns of America!

Yes, you read that right. Our humble little site is now poised to crack the Top 13 Million chart! If you need to pause to let the full scope of this grandeur set in, we’ll wait.

Done? OK!

To celebrate, we will be offering mugs featuring this historic milestone and we will have one of those foam hands with a LOT of fingers made up so you can impress your friends and co-workers with your careless disregard for foam hands. Think of it: over 13.2 million digits! That’s like, a bunch! These items and many more will be available in our gift shop right after Global Warming concludes, so keep those credit cards and checkbooks handy.

Anyway, completely aside from the crass commercial cash-in on our achievements, we’d like to issue a heartfelt thanks and hope that both of you will continue reading as we sally forth into the future, creating nonsense out of news-sense for one and all. Who knows? Maybe someday, we’ll get up to three readers? The sky’s the limit, kids! Go, team JunkPanic!