In an effort to soften up her image, Hillary shows the American voters her more “feminine side” in a new series of advertisements. With compassion for the children and old folks high on her agenda, the new makeover will certainly be making some waves. You go, girl!
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GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The Swiss parliament has recently passed legislation granting rights to plants and animals. The new law will force dog owners into “canine sensitivity” classes, require that fishers catch their fish humanely, institute last rights for goldfish before they are flushed down the toilet, organize poetry reading support groups for forsythia plants, criminalize weeding gardens, and “…promote all-around silliness”.
For years, the Swiss have been trying to overcome their international image as stuffy, hyper-conservative banker types, watchmakers, and cheese enthusiasts. The Swiss government’s ethics committee, who promoted the bill and helped its passage into law, feels that this new legislation will be just the tonic the notoriously neutral nation’s image needs.
“We are very excited to welcome plants and animals to the political process,” said Gerhard Braunschweiger, a member of the Swiss ethics committee. “Without our intervention, they would not have the dignity afforded to us humans. In fact, they would probably be completely unaware of the political process, which can only hurt them in the long run.”
Tree humpers from the United States and several other European socialist nations applauded the decision, saying that this truly ushered in a new era for all beings of Earth.
“This is truly of paramount importance,” said Dr. Chuck Frizzell of the University of Leicester in England (that’s in Europe, kids, right next to Albania). “We can’t waste valuable time worrying about dying children in Africa, genocide in the Sudan, and brutal political oppression in China–not when there are so many plants and animals that ‘needs some lovin’s'!”
Taking a cue from Switzerland’s bold and daring emancipation of non-human life forms, at least seven other European countries are planning similar laws, including England, France, Germany, Sweden, Norway, Finland, and the former Soviet Union. Activist groups on two or three continents were overjoyed by the news.
“This will mark an end of this sort of oppression,” said Jeanine Garofalo, a former actress from the United States. “Oppression is wrong! Those who willingly oppress plants and animals are just as bad as George W. Bush and they should be locked up in a [expletive deleted] concentration camp and be forced to break rocks for the rest of their lives and stuff.”
“Truly, this is a brilliant move by the Swedes,” said Sean Penn, the acerebral spokesman for the American Society for Purty Plants and Animals (ASPPA). “Now maybe people will wake up and see that carrot juice is murder, too! Bush sucks! Solidarity with ferns now!!”
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KENNEDY SPACE CENTER – NASA has confirmed that the new space shuttle, the Viktree, will be launched on a mission to the moons of Mars (that’s in the solar system, kids, right next to Venus) using the new math that is now in vogue in America’s government school system. After all, if NASA can misspell a shuttle name and feel good about it, they can accomplish almost anything.
“It’s important that our new generation of scientists and astronauts have a strong sense of identity and high self-esteem,” said Mildred Branchwater, an elementary school teacher at Whiny Bluffs Primary School near Orlando, Florida. “A lot of children feel overwhelmed by numbers and, if pushed to find so-called ‘correct’ answers, they might stress out. And that would be bad for space exploration, I feel.”
It didn’t take long for officials at NASA to catch the “new math” fever, either. If the Viktree launch is felt to be a success, members of the space administration are planning to launch every new satellite and future shuttle using feelings-driven calculations.
“What’s not to like?” said astronaut Jim Talbot. “I mean, if we feel good about ourselves, we’ll feel good about the space program. And that can only be a good thing, right? And, since there’s no way our numbers can be off using this new computational system, every launch should be an unbridled success. This is truly a great day for America!”
“This is the twenty-second century,” said Scott Landers, a launch coordinator at NASA’s Mission Control. “I think we can look past those old outmoded concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ answers and start a new era of space exploration… together. After all, isn’t that what being a rocket scientist is all about?”
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WASHINGTON, DC – Officials from the Treasury Department and the Government Accountability Office (GAO) said today that, while the economic future for most Americans looks bleak, the government promises to make the impending financial hardships as fun as possible. The announcement came during a press conference held just outside a nearby Sharper Image location, which had “EVERYTHING MUST GO” signs plastered across the storefront.
“The idea that thousands of retailers and financial institutions are going to crash in the next two to three years is ludicrous,” said U. S. Treasury Deputy Assistant Secretary and Business Affairs and Public Liaison, Jeb Mason. “I mean, take a look around you! These red banners behind me are just seasonal sales promotions, folks.”
“I agree completely,” said Squeaky McCreed, a public relations underling from the GAO. “Don’t let the fact that thousands may lose their jobs due to our government’s badly botched economic and fiscal policies ruin your day. We’ve got to have our happy faces on, people!”
And, indeed, many in the crowd were wearing bright yellow smiley-face masks that were being handed out by illegal immigrants at the behest of the Treasury Department. The masks, incidentally, were made in China.
The two spokesmen also mentioned that there are several innovative proposals currently in debate in both houses of the U. S. Congress, including free houses, free cars, free cable television, free bread, free Ringling Brothers Circus tickets, and free fancy party favors for every American, including those living in Peru. Other initiatives also include the printing of stickers with three zeroes on them so citizens can keep pace with inflation. Finally, happy-looking plush teddy bears will be distributed to every household with the friendly reminder “Grin and bear it” written on them.
“A lot of people say this is really going to be bad. However, there is no need for such alarmist thinking. This is just a temporary glitch in the market,” Mason continued. “We have full confidence that the vast majority of American workers are independently wealthy, like us and your elected representatives, so the total collapse of the retail sector should only be a minor inconvenience to most.”
The crowd cheered enthusiastically, with lots of “attaboy”s and “you tell ‘em”s erupting from those gathered. Then, the group dispersed, returning to the parking lot full of idling chauffeured limousines in order to make the long and arduous drive back to their mansions in Chevy Chase.
We’ve got to get some sleep or we’ll be late for work in the morning,” said the ever more Lurch-like junior Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry. “The people are depending us to bail ourselves out and shouldn’t disappoint them. Oh, driver? Take the beltway around the ghetto, would you? I’m sick of those squeegee bums washing my windshield and begging for money.”
“I guess when you look at the bright side,” said Barbara Boxer, Senator from the People’s Democratic Republic of California, “This news isn’t so bad after all! Let’s all be happy now, OK?”
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It’s the weekend, so here’s some more “protest sign” fun for you. This one is quite prevalent around the web and for good reason. You’ve got to love the bittersweet irony encapsulated in this picture! Have a great couple of days. More news to follow next week!
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GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN – A man was found dead near a bowling alley in Green Bay, Wisconsin, yesterday. The coroner’s report indicated that the man had choked to death while trying to swallow his bowling ball after his team’s big win at the Northside Bowl-A-Rama.
Arnold Gustavson, aged 42, had apparently bet his teammates a considerable sum of money that he could swallow the bowling ball whole, but things began to go awry once the massive spheroid reached his esophagus.
“I can’t believe he really tried to do it!” said Pedro Suderstrom, a long-time friend and teammate of Gustavson’s. “I mean, that’s really crazy! I would have paid him the money to stop, but he wouldn’t listen.”
Hank Porter, another member of Gustavson’s team, agreed. “It was twisted and wrong of him to try that! We all ran for help, but by the time we got back with the paramedics, it was too late. Now how is he going to pay us?”
The incident has lead federal investigators to form a research panel looking into the dangers of ingesting bowling balls. The U. S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said it will encourage the Congress to pass legislation, requiring all bowling balls made in the future to bear bright red warning labels that read: “”Choking Hazard! Do Not Ingest!”
“If only the ball had had that label on it!” sobbed Gustavson’s widow, clutching her three small children about her. “He would be alive today!”
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More unrelenting logic from those who insist on putting their stupid opinions on protest signs. At least this one was spelled correctly, but the capitalization still needs work. Should be a period or an exclamation point after “BUS”, too. But what are a few minor details when you’re so dead-set against all that fossil fuel sanity?
Image courtesy LAXM.
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BALTIMORE, MARYLAND – Today, at a conference of geneticists and biological researchers held at Johns Hopkins University, an informal poll was taken regarding the opinion of those scientists regarding the term “genome”. Of those who responded, two of ten–roughly 25%–believed the name to be clunky, hard-to-pronounce, or just plain awkward. The other 80% of respondents said it “depends on how you pronounce it”. A further 7% believed that the name could potentially turn them away from conducting any more research in the area.
“Why couldn’t we have picked a name that was more pleasing to the ear?” said Dr. Wolfgang Strudelman, an expert in molecular disruption. “What about ‘DNA-thingy’ or ‘human code’ something? I mean, ‘JEE-nome’ is just plain strange.”
Despite the complaints, however, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) have refused to budge on the issue, claiming that “genome” reflects our common ancestry.
“Genome is not only a word that connotes little else,” said Parker Pratt, press liaison for the NAS, “it also pays a subtle scientific homage to our original species, which we now believe to be gnomes.”
Other officials from the NAS were unavailable to confirm the validity of Parker’s comments.
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DUBLIN, IRELAND – In a recent press interview, Bono, lead singer of the legendary Irish rock band, U2, announced that he was dedicating the rest of his life to making life-long dedications.
“Sure, I’ve dabbled a bit with this cause and that,” said Bono. “But I think spending the rest of your days in the heartfelt and sincere pursuit of being dedicated is probably the most noble and fulfilling cause of all. All the righteous and just causes in the world just don’t stack up when faced with good old-fashioned commitment.”
Millions of dedicated fans cheered the decision, some breaking into tears of joy and confusion.
“Bono is like the best lead singer of U2 ever,” said Mandy Hewlitt, an American fan, still basking in the afterglow of the momentous announcement. “I think that Bono’s new single-minded focus on being dedicated is the sweetest, most caring thing anyone could ever do!”
“Saving the earth and eliminating poverty are good causes and all,” said Patrick Geary, a long-time supporter of U2 and co-citizen of Ireland, “but it’s Bono’s willingness to be unswervingly committed to dedication that really sets him apart from all those vapid posers and wannabes out there! U2′s got substance where other bands don’t!”
Not content to sit on their duffs, the hard-working Irish quartet intends to launch a new world-wide tour in support of Bono’s publicly-stated loyalty to steadfastness, tentatively dubbed the “Let’s all Save That Which Needs Saving Tour”. More details will be posted on the band’s official website soon.
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Here, President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad schmoozes with the Iranian press corps during one of his famous impromptu stand-up comedy routines. He’s planning an appearance at the United Nations in New York City later this year and is currently organizing a tour of a lot of little crappy countries in the Middle East, Africa, and parts of Central Asia. Just call him “Schecky”!
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hossvarad | 
Agit-Prop Follies, In the News?, Politi-Speak, Webtastic! | 
04 23rd, 2008| 
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We found this image at zombietime (a very cool website, BTW) and were struck by the seemingly normal nature of this anti-war protester and her sign, imploring us to give Mercedes-Benz a chance. Just thought we’d share. Visit zombietime for more unnerving photos of the utter dolts who share the planet with us.
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SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA – With all of the hype and hyperbole surrounding the Democrat primaries this year, the rampant price of oil and basic foods, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the Iraq War, and the lack of a good season of American Idol, many in the public square have tuned out a potentially disastrous phenomena that is sweeping across America: mixed metaphor use. Apparently, due to inadequate training in the English language and larger numbers of non-English speakers in the United States, average, ordinary metaphors are being beaten, twisted, mangled, and otherwise abused on a daily basis.
“Bad metaphors are raining down like stitches in time,” said Scranton native, Scott Scuppers, scarily scratching his scapulae. “You’d think putting a metaphor together would be as easy as shooting monkeys in a barrel, but bad constructions are everywhere you turn around.”
While educators and social observers have tried for over a decade to ignore this growing abuse of the English language, it was only a matter of time before the genie was let out of the bag. Dr. Rufus Chandler, of the Proper English Language Usage Institute (PELUI) in Miami Beach, Florida, had this to say about the problem:
“This far from a new kettle of worms, but ignorance is golden in our modern American society. Creating viable metaphors isn’t exactly rocket surgery, you know. All it takes is putting your backbone to the grindstone and keeping your nose up. But, the fact that recent metaphor mixage has grown in prevalence is beyond the question of a doubt.”
For some, this only represents the latest in poor grammar and English usage. For others, it is a far more sinister indication that people are losing their ability to talk good. Noted speech therapist, Dr. Alvin Hemp of the Cloverfield Institute puts it this way:
“Mixed metaphors are bad. People don’t think before they speak. Speak better, people! You don’t want to be the low dog on the totem pole, do you?”
While many are mixed-metaphor-users-cum-lately, it is obvious to many concerned academics and English-language users that some people are just obstinate and stuck in their ways.
“These people who haphazardly mix their metaphors are very difficult to correct. They want to bite the hand that rocks their cradle, and that isn’t healthy,” Said Dr. Chandler. “It’s really hard to drill the message home about good metaphorical design and use, but some folks still refuse to see the error of their ways. I guess a leopard can’t change its stripes.”
What is the answer to this burgeoning linguistic crisis, then? More education. And shock therapy. Followed by floggings. And more education and shock therapy. But more than these things, it’s important to tackle the hurdle of mixed metaphor use before it becomes too widespread. It’s a fine line to balance, but someone’s got to do it.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – Literally dozens of irate protesters took to the streets of the City by the Bay recently to express their outrage over the Summer Olympics being held in Beijing, China, this year. In a tightly-reasoned and intellectual appeal to whatever powers-that-be happened to be paying attention to the demonstration, one Tibetans’ libber held aloft the expertly-capitalized and irrefutably damning question: “Would we have allowed NAZI GERMANY TO HOST THE OLYMPICS?”
American government schools: 1
Advancement of human knowledge: 0
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It’s Earth Day, Earth Day! Also, Lenin’s Birthday! Coincidence?
Image courtesy Red Planet Cartoons.
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hossvarad | Crisis du Jour, Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings | 04 22nd, 2008| No Comments »
GREENWICH VILLAGE, NEW YORK – While celebrations of the largely-ignored Earth Day occur in some places around the country, particularly in the most indigo reaches of the Blue States, several environmental scientists and global warming experts have published an important set of findings that may throw a little ethanol on the otherwise jovial festivities of the occasion. The conclusion of their research? The Earth may be too far gone to do anything.
“While raising awareness is good and all, it’s kind of like reminding the passengers treading water in the North Atlantic that the Titanic is sinking,” said Aidan Smith-Cooper, a freelance slam poet and bongo player. “I mean. It’s hot today! Can’t you feel that? No amount of awareness is going to make it any cooler, man. We’re totally doomed.”
His colleague, Simon Watson, of Jamaica, New York, agrees. “Sadly, even if we turned off all the power in the world and stopped breathing right now, we wouldn’t be able to reverse the tide of this apostrophe [sic]. The only option for humanity at this point is to terraform Mars or create an underground civilization, like the Mole People.”
While these arguments may seem amazingly sensible for residents of the typically avant-garde artists community, literally dozens of other, like-minded individuals across the world have come to similar startling and chemically-induced conclusions.
“Ted Turner says we’ll all be running around cannibalizing each other in thirty years,” said environmental activist Octavio Phillips. “But I think that it’s probably happening right now somewhere–and maybe even more often than we think. Why fight it? It’s inevitable!”
Other theories have also tentatively emerged, only to blossom in the fertile intellectual soil furnished by the earth-worshiping community.
“I think we’ve already been destroyed,” said Moses Freebottom, a performance artist from Raleigh, North Carolina. “I mean, maybe what we think is reality today is really just a collective consciousness left behind after a terrible and devastating apocalypse? It kind of makes sense if you think about it.”
Another Earth Day celebrant, clad entirely in green, was quoted as saying: “What? Earth Day? I thought we were still celebrating St. Patrick’s Month! Oh, well. Got any whiskey?”
The upshot of all of this optimism is this: Whether or not you believe global warming is real, you had better be prepared to die from it and soon. Perhaps we already have.
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Global warming is real and we’re causing it—that much is certain. To doubt this fact is tantamount to machine-gunning everyone you meet into a bloody pulp as you walk down the street. However, as more and more Americans are brought to awareness of this universal crisis, the celebration of Earth Day continues to spread across our evil, polluting nation of capitalist pigs.
Not just the exclusive domain of tree-hugging adolescents and over-the-hill academic hippie types, the celebration of Earth Day has spread across the nation like a rampant yeast infection. Every year on April 22, dozens of moth-eaten radicals crawl forth from their exclusive residential enclaves and hydroponics farming communes to show how much they love the Earth. This year is certainly no exception.
One major celebration this year is the annual Hug Your Mother Festival, held in Berkley, California. Each year, the streets of this fair city are shut down in order to allow the hordes of earth-conscious folk to publicly show solidarity with the planet and demonstrate their clear lack of hygiene.
This year’s organizers plan to have culturally-sensitive games, pseudo-scientific learning activities, community outreach stuff, multi-cultural clam bakes, and semi-live entertainment.
“We’re super excited to worship the Earth this year,” said Karen Klumpmeier, one of the event’s planners. “We’ve got carob-coated tree bark goodies for the kids, Navajo cougar wrestlers, as well as wax personages of Peter, Paul, and Mary for entertainment. It’s going to be great!”
The participants are excited, as well. We had occasion to speak to some of them as their pulled up in their electric-powered shoeboxes and BMWs.
“It’s not enough to just do something about global warming, y’know?” said Aaron Blum, a University of California at Berkley environmental studies major. “You have to really do something about it. With your heart. Speak out! And I think that’s what’s happening at this year’s festival, y’know?”
One extra-special event this year will be the “Refract the Rays” vigil, in which all participants at the Hug Your Mother Festival will be required to put on tin-foil-covered bicycle helmets and perform a Native American rain dance in their Birkenstocks. When questioned about the foil-covered helmets, Ms. Klumpmeier happily provided her rationale:
“It’s about the solar rays,” she said. “By all of us wearing these reflective hats, we can form a collective barrier that will send the sun’s rays back into space. I mean, the Earth’s ozone is already gone, so the least we can do is try to fend off the harmful sunlight. Sunlight is only good for causing cancer and making Dick Cheney richer, anyway.”
The Hug Your Mother Festival participants seemed to be on board with this sensible message of hope and togetherness, as well.
“We’ve heard a lot of right-wing radio types question the validity of Refract the Rays,” said Candy Astor, a reveler clad in a burlap sack and wooden clogs. “But they’re just typical of why Mother Earth is being killed in the first place. Stupid [expletives deleted] Neanderthal people. Why don’t they just die already? We’re trying to do something good here, see?”
Another nearby festival-goer echoed the sentiment. “We’ve got to save the Earth or something!” the unnamed man said emphatically. “Without the Earth, where would we be? Outer [expletive deleted] space, that’s where! Can you breathe in space? I know I can’t! It’s time to tell those doubters to shut up or be severely beaten! Peace!”
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hossvarad | Crisis du Jour, Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings | 04 22nd, 2008| No Comments »
Far from being jaded and cynical about the imminent collapse of the world’s ecosystems, we here at Junk Panic! are very concerned that we continue to have a planet to live on. After all, it would be pretty silly at this point to pack up and leave the Earth now wouldn’t it?
Sadly, not everyone shares our deep and sincere concerns for the environment and the freakishly horrifying threat of a heat-induced demise at the hands of capitalism-industrialism global warming. If only more folks were involved and took an active role in saving the Earth! That would be super!
We realize that most folks are busy doing their day-to-day routine. As such, any practical remedy to this planetary crisis must be approached in simple, accessible, and easy-to-digest chunks. Therefore, in response to the rampant enviro-apathy out there, we have compiled this helpful list of easy things everyone can do to save the Earth.
They are as follows:
By really committing to these simple environmentally-friendly steps, we can add another six to eight weeks to the inevitable end of time. Thanks for reading and have a great Earth Day!
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PEORIA, ILLINOIS – Hollywood, California, long considered the entertainment capitol of the world, is now confronting a once unthinkable phenomenon: entertainment rationing. Film plots and ideas are currently stored at a National Idea Bank secure site, deep within an ice cave in Finland. However, managers of this storage facility claim the stocks are running low.
Major players in the film industry from New York to Los Angeles are limiting productions of films, television series’, and on-screen advertisements as demand for original ideas far outstrips supply. There are also anecdotal reports that some consumers are hoarding old films from the 1940s and 1950s to stave off what they view to be an upcoming global entertainment shortage.
At a Costco Warehouse in Modesto, California, yesterday, shoppers grew frustrated and occasionally uttered expletives as they searched in vain for titles that weren’t remakes, parodies, or half-baked anti-war propaganda films.
“Where’s the entertainment value?” an engineer from Sacramento, California, mourned. “You should be able to buy a decent film once and a while. Or at least a movie that doesn’t outright suck!”
“You can’t watch this kind of crap every day. It’s too depressing,” an entertainment mogul said, under condition of anonymity. “We only need one or two films like this per year, but every studio seems to be cranking out the same old dreck. What’s a body to do?”
“Due to the limited availability of poor choices and mind-numbingly stupid movies these days, we are clearly seeing the effects of an idea drought,” said Marty Feldstein, an industry analyst. “Here in Hollywood, we thought the writer’s strike was bad, but the truth is, very few people across the nation even knew it was happening. I’m so ashamed! As a consequence, many Americans have decided to stock up on older, more interesting fare. This has led to a drastic shortfall in the supply of these older films.”
Entertainment consumers said the pitifully obvious limits of the creative community have been laid bare for months, and that box office receipts had been touch and go for over half a decade. Internet postings attributed some of the idea shortages at the production level to insufficient grasp of what makes good entertainment. Whatever the cause, the older stuff was starting to fly off of the shelves, leading to higher and higher prices for good entertainment.
“I mean, how many explosions, strip bars, and chases up the wrong side of the Interstate can you see in a life time?” said Gnarls Burkholdt, a college student from UCLA film school. “Practically every action film features these three elements these days. And, if it’s not an explosion fest, it’s either a pointless movie in French or some anti-Iraq polemic. Who cares? Give me a Gene Kelly or Cary Grant movie any day.”
Sagging plot lines and over-saturation marketing have led to riots in recent weeks in Cannes, France; Berlin, Germany; Buenos Aires, Argentina; and several African nations. The government of India recently banned import of all but the highest quality films from Hollywood’s Golden Era and Vietnam continues is decade-long ban on the films of Jerry Lewis and is considering adding George Clooney’s body of work to the list.
“I’m surprised the Bush administration hasn’t stepped in and demanded limits on the number of these classic films people can own,” Burkholdt said. “I know some neighbors of mine who have seven copies of Charade, four copies of Rio Bravo, and thirteen copies of Gone with the Wind on DVD. If that isn’t hoarding, I don’t know what is! What are the rest of us going to watch? Gigli again?”
The unnamed Hollywood mogul summed it up for us in no uncertain terms: “There have been so many stories about worldwide idea shortages that it encourages people to stock up on older films, whether they be on VHS or DVD. What most people don’t realize is that ideas are rare and precious commodities, so inventories are very short. All we can do is continue to pump out the same old crap until somebody thinks of something new. In the meantime, however, the U. S. Government should fulfill its obligation to the community by limiting households to only one copy of each classic film they buy.”
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WASHINGTON, DC – The hearts of the conservative faithful were cheered upon hearing the news that Senator John McCain was able to locate his own rear today. The maverick senator and presumptive GOP nominee for President of Mexico today exclaimed at a black tie luncheon “Eureka! I’ve found it!”
A polite titter of applause circulated around the room as McCain held the lucky hand up for a quick photo-op. Still beaming from the unprecedented success, Johnny Mac gloated “And I didn’t even need to use two hands, like my esteemed colleagues on the Democrat side!”
McCain hopes to parlay this small step forward into a larger “Grab Your Ankles!” campaign that should no doubt push him to the top of the heap. McCain already holds strong leads among voters in Baja California, Sonora, Chihuahua, Coahuila, Nuevo Leon, and Tamaulipas, and hopes to extend his campaign into the United States before November.
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DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Former U. S. President, Jimmy Carter announced to the leaders of Hamas that former PLO leader Yassir Arafat’s distinctive head covering was an inspiration to him during his seemingly never-ending years as the American head of state.
“There were some tough times back then,” Carter told Al Jazeera reporters. “Billy Beer wasn’t selling well. Peanuts were tasting slightly stale. My manufactured oil crisis wasn’t playing well with the slobbering American masses. But, one thing kept me going…that snazzy headkerchief thingy worn by the late, great Yassir Arafat. It was such an inspiration to me, Roslaynn, and that kid of ours. Besides, short, swarthy, bearded men really turn me on.”
President Carter then went on to perform an impromptu six-hour eulogy for the former terrorist leader, fighting back the tears as spoke. To conclude the evening’s events, Carter was allowed to croon a few Arabic pop songs before being taken away by angry Hamas goons who still had hearing and good taste in music.
“It’s been my pleasure to be amongst such sensitive and compassionate people,” said Jimmy. “I hope one day the stupid, narrow-minded Americans will realize that suicide bombings, rape and torture of innocents, and video-taped beheadings are nothing more than a pitiful cry for help. We need to be there to give these people the hug they so richly deserve. It’s our fault they hate us, anyway!”
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