Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Fresh off his grueling tour of Tahiti, Federal Reserve Chairman “Helicopter Ben” Bernanke revealed that things might be a little more serious at the central bank than he had previously been led to believe.

“I know we’ve printed up an ungodly amount of money recently to bail out our well-to-do friends on Wall Street and in Washington,” said Bernanke. “Sure, this may have angered some folks, but they’re mostly poor simpletons who don’t understand the complexities of today’s modern fiscal policy. Let’s face it folks, balance sheets are a thing of the past–a relic of the Reagan/Volcker era. Now, if we’re a little short, we just print up some more! Isn’t it great? I’ve a whole room at home filled with the stuff, so I rub some on the top of my head every day before setting off to the office!”

However, “Chopper B” had to admit that grim events were brewing on the horizon for the devil-may-care creation of new paper funds. Bernanke said the Fed may run a little low on dough in the years to come, citing global warming and a world-wide napkin shortage as reasons for the lack of new paper bills.

“Global warming is certainly a factor. It also causes baldness in middle-aged rich white guys. However, the real culprits are fast-food joints and casual dining restaurants. I mean, if all those drive-thrus and family eateries would just switch to cloth napkins, we could have plenty of paper to make more rapidly-depreciating currency,” said Bernanke, swilling a highball. “After all, who’s going to bail out the government and the fat cat bankers now, if not us? Let us do our jobs, people. Go easy on the paper napkins, OK?”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

Here’s a little something I found while surfing the web. It can be found here. The sheer brilliance of this demands that we post it here for everyone to use and copy. At least it will be good therapy, at best you might just get the job! Enjoy!

THE ULTIMATE REJECTION LETTER

Herbert A. Millington
Chair – Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, in a landmark decision from the highest court in the United States of America, the Supreme Court ruled in a bitterly divided 5-4 decision that the rape of Constitution was permissible as long as it was done by the courts.

“This is a great day for judicial activism everywhere,” said Justice Ruth Bader-Meinhoff. “Finally, we can decree whatever we want and not have to listen to the elected officials of all those knuckle-dragging Neanderthals in fly-over country. It just goes to show that you can vote for who ever you want but we unelected judges have the final say-so. And now we’ve said so.”

Justice Suter agreed, adding “I’m proud of voting to crap all over the document that empowers me to hold my position in this court. Now, we can feel justified in appealing to international laws to adjudicate decisions within the US. Zimbabwe has some real crackerjack precedents we can use and Justices Kennedy, Breyer, Stephens, Ginsberg, and I are looking into adopting some of them.”

“Truly a victory for freedom-loving people everywhere,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy. “I’ve been waiting since the 1980s to render an opinion like this. Who needs the other 299,999,991 Americans anyway? It’s our voice alone that matters. We nine.”

This latest verdict comes hot on the heels of the court’s other recent monumental decisions to legalize prostitution of three year olds, silence folk singers, change the spelling of most words, declare breathing a capital crime, and making Kermit the Frog the official symbol of America replacing the bald eagle.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

CHICAGO, IL – According to a recent speech by Charles Steele, Jr., of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), Michelle Obama has come under much more harsh criticism than her husband, Barack Hussein Ali Baba Siddiqui Ul-Haq Muhammad Rasool Obama, because she has “slave blood” in her and he does not.

Upon hearing these comments by Steele, the Obama campaign fired back in whirlwind of childish retorts:

“Isn’t it enough that he sounds like he’s a Muslim? Muslims still practice slavery, so there should be no problem, right? Next, they’ll be saying that Barack’s only half black and that his kid’s aren’t full-blooded African-Americans, either!”

Many Obama supporters, who felt that the greenhorn Senator from Illinois was solidly ‘down for the struggle’, have started to wane in their enthusiasm.

“I just don’t get it,” said Theodius Jones of Detroit, Michigan. “Here, all this time, I thought Barack was descended from slaves, just like me. Turns out, he’s a poser! Now who am I going to vote for?”

Sensing that his popular support among real, slave-blooded African-Americans is beginning to tank rapidly after Saturday’s “outing”, Barack Obama announced today that he would be receiving an infusion of blood from his wife, whom everyone readily agrees is a descent of the Negro slaves.

“This should silence the critics once and for all,” said Obama. “It’s time for the Barack-deniers to get their comeuppance and realize that I’m black enough. This transfusion will give me the much-needed slave blood I will need to continue the Marxist policies of my former pastor, terrorist friends, and Ivy League handlers at Harvard Law School.”

The transfusion is expected to take place in the next several hours, during which time, Michelle Obama will be unavailable for public, televised ranting.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

According to a recent news story in the U.K., all three drooling fans of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton have banned together to create a new item to sell to the dwindling numbers of HRC supporters: Chelsea in 2016 badges.

“This is driven by an intense lack of a sense of reality,” said former Clinton aide Dick Morris. “These people are so delusional, they think that that scruffy mutt of a daughter of theirs should run for president in eight years. While the idea of a Clinton ruling family might peak the excitement of the criminally insane, it’s just not going to happen!”

Chelsea, who is easily as ugly as her father and mother combined, said she wouldn’t rule out a run for office, as long as she could have dibs on Monica Lewinsky if she won.

“She was so hot!” giggled Chelsea. “Too bad I was at school when all that happened. Dad usually lets me pre-screen the interns, if you know what I mean…”

If Chelsea has a successful political career, the Clintons have intimated that they wouldn’t rule out running their family cat and actual four-legged dog in 2024 and 2032 respectively.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

SALISBURY, ENGLAND – In a rare affront to druids and admirers of large stone circles, a pair of vandals took a hammer and screwdriver to the iconic megalith of Stonehenge near Salisbury this past Thursday.

Perhaps attempting to get a souvenir or carve their names on the ancient rocks, the two vandals were driven away by the security team at the UNESCO World Heritage Site.

“These rocks are over 5,000 years old,” said Simon Hinkle, chief of security at Stonehenge. “That’s pretty old. We can’t just allow folks to chip away at them because that would probably mar the finish.”
Nora Cooper, a spokesman for English Heritage, agreed and added “When the two vandals were spotted by security last night, they beat the feet and fled via motorcar back toward town. This is now a matter for the Druidic High Council.”

Donning their antler helmets and sitting in a ring around the majestic prehistoric stone circle, Cooper, Hinkle, and others present at the site began to chant to summon the ancient spirits of the druids to inflict their brand of pagan justice on the wrongdoers.

“The druids are serious business,” said Chief Inspector Clive Thompson of Scotland Yard. “You don’t want the ancient spirits of those nature freaks chasing you down. I pity those poor lads!”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, in honor of the release of Senator Tedward Kennedy from a Boston area hospital near Roxbury, President George W. Bush reached across the aisle to pay tribute to the man who has accomplished so much during his seemingly never-ending stint in the U. S. legislative branch.

First, President Bush drank a fifth of Cutty Sark and then starting staggering around the Oval Office, hollering obscenities and other incomprehensible nonsense until he was whisked away to a local Brazilian restaurant for dinner. Once there, he promised to raise everyone’s taxes unequally, sang loudly in Spanish, and groped several of the nearby waitresses before finally bribing one to go home with him in his private car.

On the way, Bush symbolically drove the vehicle into a pond near Chevy Chase, where the hapless waitress was left to drown. W then frantically fled from the scene, calling his daddy to help bail him out of the jam. Let’s hope the President can sleep this one off completely before doing a tribute to Hillary Clinton’s exit from American politics next month.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA – There are now officially too many kangaroos in Australia, according to reports from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC). So far, twenty of the iconic critters have been dismissed from Earth, with another 380 slated for death soon.

“Too many ‘roos make it dangerous for other animals and can really wreck your lawn,” said Gordon Strine, a resident of Australia’s capitol city. “You gotta thin the herd sometimes. That’s all this is. Cull ‘em out.”

Starting at a military site, the “kangaroo cull” has officially begun. Officials in charge of wiping out the furry hoppers said that everything about the depopulation effort was being done in accord with strict regulatory guidelines.

“I can assure you this is all according to Hoyle,” said Sgt. Maj. Crispin Cuddley of ANZAC. “The kangaroos are 100% alive before we shoot ‘em and 100% dead after. Besides, nothing goes to waste. We likes a bit of stew and kangaroo will surely do!”

Not everyone is thrilled by this activity, however. Nutbars from Australian animal rights organizations began whimpering and whining in predictable knee-jerk reaction soon after the killings had commenced.

“This is just not right,” simpered Allan Frogthwaite of the New South Wales chapter of the Australian Society for the Safety of Furry Animals and Clean Environments (ASSFACE). “These animals are iconic to our land! Wait ’til we tell Paul McCartney what’s been goin’ on ’round ‘ere!”

The former Beatle could not be reached for comment, but summoning vigils are currently being held near the outskirts of Canberra by various aboriginal impersonators and currently-unemployed members of ASSFACE.

Bartley Bilgewater, an activist for another pointless “save the animals” organization, echoed the desperate sentiments of his acerebral colleagues.

“The military just shoots them with tranquilizer darts and then hauls them off to be kept in cages! It’s awful!” he moaned. “Now where are we going to find more animal rights activists on such short notice?”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

CARACAS, VENEZUELA – Venezuelan would-be dictator-for-life Hugo Chavez has recently accused the United States of spying on Venezuela using the pretext of the fabled War on Drugs as cover for the covert missions.

Chavez, or “Coco Rumba”, as he’s referred to in the American intelligence community, has emphatically stated that U. S. Naval aircraft, several pontoon boats, as well as various bicycle-borne paper boys are using “espionage tactics” to check out what he’s doing.

“They spy on me!” whined Chavez during a recent speech to his dog, Jojoba. “Just listen to their presidential candidates! They all say what I say and do what I do! It no fair! Everybody wants to do the Hugo!”

Chavez waved a chubby finger in the air in defiance, uttering his latest in a non-stop string of hollow threats to his financial backers in Washington, saying he would dispatch the mighty Venezuelan Air Force to “deal with” any future suspected spying by U. S. aircraft.

“I will have the running dog capitalists of the United States know that their F-14 planes are no match for Manolo Gutierrez and his squadron of pistol-equipped ultralights,” growled Chavez, primping for the cameras. “The helpless screams of our brave pilots being sucked through the jet engines of the U. S. planes will be more than enough deterrent for the evil, spying American pigs!”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

DETROIT, MICHIGAN – Today, U. S. Presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama was enthusiastically endorsed by several Dervish civil rights groups, including the National Scimitar Wielders’ Association and the Twin Turban Society. Mr. Obama graciously accepted the endorsement by donning traditional Dervish attire and participating in traditional twirling attacks while hollering and brandishing his ceremonial scimitar.

“A lot of conservatives have said that this was a negative hit piece sponsored by the Clinton campaign,” said Rafid Abdullah of the Twin Turban Society. “That’s just a lot of spin if you ask me. We took these pictures of Senator Obama to show his solidarity with Sufi Muslim ascetic religious practice. It also shows that he looks totally righteous in our traditional garb.”

Mr. Obama is currently preparing to accept endorsements from other prominent groups, such as Soka Gakkai International, the House of Yahweh, and the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON).

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

MIAMI, FL – FBI officials are puzzled after finding two small aircraft with bullet holes in them at Tamiami Airport in Kendall, Florida. Officials say they aren’t sure exactly where the holes came from, but it was probably from some sort of small-caliber firearm.

“Obviously, whoever is doing this is VERY inconsiderate,” said Jeff Murkworthy, lead investigator on the case for the FBI. “We will probably find out who is doing this and then that person should be made to apologize to the plane owners, the FBI, the citizens of Miami, and the CEO of Nestle for what they’ve done. Beyond the safety concerns and overt hostility, shooting at planes is just bad form.”

Until those responsible are apprehended, pilots using the airport have been instructed to make tight corkscrew landings to avoid any potential sniper fire.

“Let’s face it,” said Glenn Arbors, an owner-pilot who houses a plane at the Tamiami Airport, “bullets are dangerous. They can kill people and mess up stuff… especially planes in flight. Getting shot down is not fun, either. Believe me!”

Murkworthy concurs and adds, “If you are one of the people doing this, you need to really think it over first. People can get hurt. Planes could explode. That would be kinda bad, so think twice, OK?”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

WASHINGTON, DC — The handful of remaining conservative Republicans in the House have been disheartened lately by losses in three “safe seat” special elections to Democrats masquerading as right wingers. In response to the generally dunder-headed strategy of the Republican Party, these outmoded and anti-progressive dinosaurs are attempting to convince their colleagues that antispending initiatives and tighter restrictions on government benefits are worthy ideals.

They plan to unveil their grand strategy and new “conservative manifesto” at a closed door, black tie affair, where all eight points of the new seven point proposal will be presented by the Republican Study Committee (RSC). They will also demonstrate their apparent lack of familiarity with the U. S. Constitution by calling for a constitutional amendment to limit federal spending.

“Clearly, we’ve gotten our asses beaten of late,” remarked Representative Jeb Hensarling of Texas, who chairs a group of more than 100 Republican lawmakers. “The Democrats just have more money, that’s all. Their message gets out there and ours doesn’t. Waaaah!!!”

Mr. Hensarling calls for a revolutionary new concept in uniting Republicans – a Party platform. “Unity is important!” he sniveled. “Without unity, we will be disunited, and that’s not good for uniting people. To unite people, we need a unified message of unity and oneness. I believe creating a Party platform will unite us in ways heretofore unexplored in the history of Republicanismdom.”

Although out of practice, the RSC believes that Republican candidates should try their hands at opposing Democrat tax increases, controlling government spending, and securing the nation’s borders.

Republican House leaders have already been hard at work crafting catchy slogans for these new-found “positions” that they might some day be encouraged to support if they happen to lose more elections. Some of the leading phrases under consideration are: “The Change You Deserve”, “It’s All About Change”, “Obama Likes Change, Too”, “Spare Some Change?”, and the current favorite “Change: Got Some On You?”

A spokesbroad from Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri’s office, said the leadership was open to constructive suggestions from lawmakers, as well as kindergarten children, retired circus clowns, and anyone else who had a foggy notion of how a political party should operate.

“We think it’s good to get ideas from everyone before we form opinions of our own,” said the spokesbroad. “You see, it’s like a suggestion box for running our party. Got an idea? A helpful hint? Some administrative skills that might come in handy for running what’s left of the GOP? Send them in! We also like time-saving tips and family recipes. We love to share!”

Several other Republicans have said that the status quo is just fine and they have no intention of changing, no matter how badly they get hammered by the bona fide socialists in the Democrat Party this November. These elected officials are in the majority among GOP legislators, however, and few if any listen to them.

Some of the revolutionary new proposals among these radical right-wingers in the Republican Party include: not increasing taxes quite as fast, legalizing millions of illegal immigrants — but only after fining them, demanding more ethanol from the Midwest, and other proposals which look a lot like Democrat proposals, but remain lesser in their destructive scope.

Mr. Hensarling said his group was really more concerned fiscal policy because recent ass-beatings at the polls tended to indicate voters viewed the GOP as having strayed a tad on it’s long-established policy of spending restraint. That and the fact that John McCain is about as appealing as a root canal on a hot summer day.

“We have to figure out who we are,” Mr. Hensarling said. “Once we have that nailed down, we can start to campaign and, in a matter of a few more election cycles, we might actually win! But we’re holding our collective breath on that one.”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

CANNES, FRANCE – Actress Cameron Diaz is taking the opportunity of this year’s Cannes Film Festival and Annual Clam Bake to publicly come forward and string a series of words together in a meaningful way. This landmark event is one of the highlights of the actress/model/doorstop’s career, and may mark the first time she’s spoken without aid from her friends and/or managers.

“She’s very excited about this,” said Wesley Ward-Ho, Diaz’s manager du jour. “Once I took the time to explain that every sentence is comprised of a subject AND a verb, she began to see the light, grunting and wriggling around with glee.”

Other attendees at the festival were also enthusiastic about this once-in-a-lifetime event.

“She’s always been really likable,” said Ben Affleck, rapidly finishing off his fifth of gin. “That’s why I married her!”

“We’re all very proud of the progress Cameron has made,” said Robert De Niro. “She’s always looked really good in little to no clothing, but the fact that she’s finally making the transition to verbal communication bodes well for her career as a serious actress.”

“It’s high time more people realized that Cameron is more than a sex object for 45-year-old gamer nerds still living in their parents’ basements,” said Susan Sarandon. “She is a real person with real feelings. Maybe now she can finally state those feelings in terms of English words. This is something we as an artistic community need to encourage all our vapid young sexpot actresses to do.”

Ms. Diaz is expected to speak her debut sentence during the festival at some point. She will be wearing a string bikini and three inch heels for the event.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Today, city officials indicated that Los Angeles may be running out of sources for drinking water. In response to this impending catastrophe, Los Angeles officials have proposed a sensible and appealing measure that would entail recycling wastewater.

This innovative plan would take place over the next several years, and would provide a great deal of extra water, since Los Angelinos are noted for going potty a lot.

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s epiphany won’t be cheap, though. It is estimated that the recycling plan would cost up to $2 billion and seriously cramp the style of a lot of people. For example, residents would be urged to wear the same clothes for several days in a row without washing them, and new restrictions would be placed on how often citizens could run their sprinklers or clean their happening automobiles.

“This is a great idea for the city of Los Angeles,” said Department of Water and Power General Manager David Nahai. “I think a lot of other cities will be quick to jump on the waste water recycling bandwagon with us as soon as they get over their phobias about bubonic plague and other possible illnesses.”

Many California cities face the same challenges, including Long Beach, who have already implemented a measure to arrest and fine people for drinking more than 8 oz. of water a day. Orange County and other Southern California governments are also recycling treated sewage water back into the drinking supply, citing that it “tastes yummy” and “has many health benefits for young and old alike”.

Los Angeles’ proposal would invest in projects to collect and store rainwater, in addition to the re-use of treated human waste. This effort would cost about $1 billion dollars–a bargain for poop water in today’s stringent economy.

A similar system was approved and built in the 1990s, during the record drought when people were publicly branded for using water, but it was abandoned after critics labeled it “Crap on Tap”.

“Today is a brand new day for recycling excrement and urine into drinking water,” he said. “We have shiny new machines that will make everything all better, so you don’t have to worry about the unpleasant taste of someone’s enema juice when you take a shower. It’s going to be cool, you’ll see!”

Skeptics remain unconvinced, however, bitterly clinging to their outmoded ideas of not drinking fecal-infested water. “This idea is stupid,” said Sterling Smith, president of Homeowners of Encino. “What makes them think anyone will go for this idiocy in here? Oh, yeah! Sorry about that. I thought I was in Utah for a second.”

But Helga Hammockhead, an Encino Neighborhood Council member and avid lever-yanker at the city’s “water reclamation plant’, said recycling is OK because lots of other people have been doing it for years.

“The Earth isn’t making any more water,” Hammockhead sniveled. “The stuff we drink today is basically the piss of the dinosaurs trillions of years ago, and you don’t see anyone balking about that, do you? Besides, recycling our waste will make the millions of illegal immigrants in Los Angeles County feel more at home and isn’t that what America is all about?”

M. T. Coffin, another local council member who think about water a lot, said the plan misses the larger picture: eliminating excess population.

“We simply have too many people!” whined Coffin. “We need to start shooting some of the folks we have. That way, there will be more water for the rest of us! This is an environmental issue and, as an avid treehumper, I recommend wholesale annihilation of excess water users!”

Los Angeles’ mayor reaffirmed the coolness of his plan by saying “For too long we’ve been furnishing the citizens of Los Angeles and environs with clean, healthy water. It’s time for us to stop this ridiculous excess and start drinking our own poop. Think of those less fortunate communities who don’t have such a cumbersome and diverse population making poop for them. It would be a shame to waste this valuable resource in the name of health and sanitation. Shame on us!”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

PORTLAND, OREGON – Republicrat Presidential hopeful John McCain delivered a persuasive yet boilerplate address he had spent the past two months copiously pilfering from Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.

However, throughout the vapid platitudes mouthed in an effort to pander to the imagined hordes of greenies in America, Senator McCain vowed that he would do everything in his power to control greenhouse gas emissions, including shutting his own pie hole.

“Carbon dioxide is a deadly gas that can kill,” said McCain. “When people breathe out or speak in public forums like this, they emit this noxious pollutant into the atmosphere, which kills the baby crows and makes the air smelly for everyone. That is why, when I’m elected President, I will not say anything ever again. This is to lead by example and to reduce our evil nation’s massive carbon footprint on the world.”

Critics, however, were skeptical of the plan.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

Sacred Burial Grounds Sought at 2008 GOP Convention

Leaders at the RNC today announced that they will be actively looking for larger plots of land to bury their increasingly-irrelevant and aging candidates. Several possible sites in Arizona are currently being evaluated for suitability. Elephant burial rituals to follow. Developing…

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

Here we see the benevolent and merciful Senator Hillary Clinton, taking a moment to gently explain the rationale for her socialist dogma to a six-year-old girl nearby. As usual, she says it with dignity and aplomb.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – Stumping for her parents to return to the White House this November, former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton showed up at a poorly-attended rally in Charlotte last Thursday. The “crowd”, comprised mostly of old white women and several other non-colored folks, listened attentively for at least thirty to forty seconds before beginning to jeer and ridicule the young campaigner.

“I just kind of panicked there for a second,” said Chelsea after the event. “I didn’t know that ‘Communism’ was such a dirty word in North Carolina. Since my mom’s platform was out, I resorted to reciting poetry. I thought, ‘Hey! It got me through Stanford, why not this meeting’?’ And the poetry slam was on!”

Once the meeting degenerated into the highly controversial ‘poetry contest’, some of the participants became more animated and joined in. A nearby panel of off-duty judges from New Zealand graciously consented to evaluate the contestants and, for a brief and shining moment, all was right with the world.

Chelsea herself was pleased with the results. “I know there were only, like, thirty people there and I didn’t really get any campaigning done for mom, but it was a lot of fun! Besides, I got third!”

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password:

WASHINGTON, DC – Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), issued a statement today stating that the current system of selecting a candidate for president was inadequate. As the date of the Party’s national convention draws nearer, the current lack of a nominee for the donkey bunch has led some among the Democrat brass to call for drastic measures to be implemented.

“Sure, we’ve got those basic delegates and the so-called ‘super’ delegates,” said Dean, “but what our Party really needs is another, top-level tier of decision-makers to make the final call. You see all the confusion that has resulted from this year’s primary process? We simply can’t have that.”

Thus, Howard Dean, along with long-term Democratic Party allies and financiers, such as Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, and Osama bin Laden, and at least six members of the notorious Bilderberger group, have decided to implement “super duper delegates” to override any unpalatable choices made by the party faithful.

“See, these ‘super duper delegates’ will correct the poor choices made by those bitter clingers and useful idiots in our Party,” explained Dean, being chauffeured to his spa appointment in his stretch limousine Mercedes-Benz. “The super delegates have become increasingly flaky, too, and we at DNC headquarters can’t depend on them to countermand the popular vote with any degree of certainty. Thus, I and a group of my close friends will make the final determination.”

Democrats far and wide were divided over the prospects of more bureaucracy within the Party structure. While some felt this measure was elitist and anti-democratic, others felt that they shouldn’t be trusted to vote for president, anyway.

“This is scary,” said Hilda Klimer. “It’s like our own political party doesn’t trust the will of the people. I mean, haven’t we marched enough to prove our worthiness by now? I even quit my job at Whole Foods so I could make signs and spew inanities in public and this is the thanks we get? Screw the Democrats! If they create these super duper delegates, I’m voting for Hillary.”

Proponents of the measure were equally vocal, lending their voices to the debate in the ultimate act of futility.

“I’m with Chairman Dean and the DNC on this one,” said Dr. Ward Uphill, a sociology professor at the University of Colorado at Rifle. “Who really cares what the popular vote is? Our votes shouldn’t matter if we really want what’s best for average, everyday American working families. That’s what we’ve been taught in schools and I think we should stand up for the time-honored tradition of the American Oligarchy!”

The two remaining Democrat candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Maliki Siddiqui Ali Muhammad Farook Obama, were both apprehensive about the measure. However, when questioned further, both admitted that, as long as the super duper delegates nominated them, the system would be declared a success.

Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!

Twitter This

Usuario: Password: