Junk Panic!

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA – The budget of the State of California is at the stage of utter, debilitating crisis. As is usually the case when the government’s books don’t balance, the blame begins to fly like cow crap in a tornado. Illegals blame those who hired them, employers blame the illegals, straights blame gays, gays blame straights, and so on ad infinitum.

The state’s deepening monetary woes tend to indicate a lack of tax revenue from the state’s millions of greedy citizens who, apparently, are content to spend their money on frivolous things like health insurance, rent/mortgage, and food.

“This me-first mindset has really put our state behind the eight ball, so to speak,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein in a recent interview with Vibe Magazine. “We have too many selfish people in this state who want to succeed in life and that’s just about as un-American as it gets.”

Some economists claim that the flagging numbers of married couples in the state has led to a sharp decline in revenues, since married couples get the added benefit of paying extra taxes to show their undying love for the social(ist) policies of the Golden State’s many welfare and entitlement programs.

“There’s just too many singles out there,” said Dr. Klaatu Verada-Nikto, chief economist windbag and part-time director of the Pan-Galactic Institute for Reincarnation and Tax Policy Studies, located near Rialto. “If we had more married folks, they would pay extra taxes and we’d come a tiny bit closer to being in the black. What a lot of people don’t realize is, this legalization of gay marriage is actually a financial boon to California that will equal lots of dollars for our government to seize.”

Several of the literally dozens of gay couples rushing to California readily agreed.

“We just want to do our part, you know?” said Hilda Schwankenfarber of Portland, Maine. “I think it’s unfair that all those straight couples have had to tote the note out here for so long. Now, we can pay through our noses, too, and help bail the State of California out of jam! Isn’t America great?”

She and her life-partner, Griselda “Grizzy” Thurnbaum, have traveled to California to start their new, married life together in utter wedded bliss. Straying a bit from the topic at hand, Grizzy ruminates about the journey.

“There was a point there in Iowa, when we were fording the Cedar River, that I thought: ‘This had better be worth it! I hope those straights out there in California understand the sacrifice we’re going through to help them out! Then there was that one guy with the overbite that we talked to in Omaha… What was his name?…”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has heralded the new same-sex marriages in his state, proclaiming loudly in his goofy Austrian accent that “Dis is a great day fur Kahliforneeah! At lahst, ve vill come clozah to balanzing da butchet of dis great state!”

As to whether this clever ploy will work, only time will tell.

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HARLEM, NEW YORK – From his posh offices in Harlem, former President and Molester-in-Chief, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton, issued a statement to the nation, using his highly trained oratory skills and patented closed-fist thumping gesture.

“My fellow Americans, my conscience is eating at me and I can remain silent no longer,” said President Bill. “I’ve tried to sweep this under the carpet and hide it under the stairs, but some things never go away. My friends and countrymen, I’m afraid I wasn’t completely dishonest with you during my years as your omnipotent leader. It seems that, throughout all my concerted efforts to hoodwink, hornswoggle, and otherwise flim-flam my way through eight long years of sex scandals and foreign policy blunders, I was, at times, accidentally telling the truth. For that I apologize. Also, I’m sorry about Hillary. My bad.”

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HOLLYWOOD, CA – Things are beginning to look a little tarnished in the Golden State these days as the drooling specter of another entertainment industry strike looms large in the near future.

Members of the vaunted Screen Actors Guild (SAG) are demanding that they get paid even more millions of dollars or they simply won’t perform in any more mediocre big budget productions. Among the sticking points of the new SAG contract is the fact that actors want to be paid for everything imaginable, including remunerations for film clips shown online, showing up late, smoking and drinking with abandon, endorsing the designer drugs of their choice, and for acting once in a while.

“I simply cannot survive on $30 million per film,” said famed Canadian comedian Jim Carrey. “One has to consider the cost of living, you know? With the rising costs of gasoline, food, and prostitutes, it becomes very difficult to keep the books in the black. Times are getting tough for us actors…”

Mr. Carrey is not alone in his economic worries. Other actors fear they, too, may have to scrimp on caviar and champaign at their next social gatherings if the monetary hardships in Hollywood continue. Many other grossly-overpaid ego-maniacs, such as George Clooney, Ben Stiller, Brad Pitt, Tim Allen, Angelina Jolie, and so forth, are stepping up to the plate to demand what is fair.

“Without additional millions of dollars of income, I simply cannot continue to prop up the economy of Namibia,” said Angelina Jolie, as a recent press junket. “Brad and I are both working as hard as we can, but there’s really only so much we can do.”

“It’s lamentable that we’re facing another strike in Tinseltown,” said Leonardo Di Caprio, fresh off the plane from an Obama rally. “But, if those crappy so-called writers can do it, by gumbo, so can we! And we’re the ones that really count, anyway!”

Hopes are high that some sort of resolution can be reached before all entertainment in the entire world is ground to a halt, but the strike seems like it will be inevitable. Get your board games ready, America!

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EUGENE, OR – A group of Earth-worshiping pagan scientists announced today that they have discovered a way to create fuel from human emotions–particularly depression. The scientific labs, located in a dense forest just outside the eco-friendly city of Eugene, said that this new breakthrough science would be even cooler than mood rings.

“It’s a truly amazing thing to behold,” said Dr. Sandra Glum, head researcher on the project. “The Emotilytic Reactor really has the ability to transform gloominess, hopelessness, and depression into a form of energy that can power your house, your car, and most of your flashlights, too. My power-hungry appliances have been running for the past six years strictly based on my sadness alone.”

The Emotilytic Reactor is about to go into mass production, based on the fact that being alive causes a nearly inexhaustible supply of misery that can be harnessed to run our energy-hungry economy. When the device goes public, it will retail for $500,000 per unit, which will create additional negative emotions to power the generator for free. Look for ads upcoming in Mother Jones, Mother Earth News, the Sierra Club Magazine, and Field & Stream.

Dr. Glum summarized the revolutionary device as follows: “Let’s face it. Human suffering is really the only truly renewable resource that we have access to. It requires no drilling, no construction of towers or solar receptor panels, no convoluted conversion of foodstuffs into alcohol, nothing. All you need to do is read the news and you’re set!”

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Found this little gem online here. Enjoy and have a good weekend!

Behold the Power of Makeup! (All pictures are before/after)

Add a little and you can get an effect like this:

Add a little more makeup to get a more dramatic transformation…

And, with enough makeup and botox, you can even get a full-on, bona fide MIRACLE…

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THE AMERICAN MIDWEST – A series of destructive, killer tomatoes have ravaged the nation’s midsection in recent weeks, spreading death and destruction across Oklahoma and Missouri. So far, 11 deaths have been reported from people who crossed paths with these vicious fruits.

Reports have indicated that these marauding vine-ripened horrors rampaged across Ottawa County, Oklahoma, killing and destroying as they went. The small town of Pitcher, Oklahoma, was utterly obliterated by a heavy coating of crimson marinara.

The storms then turned east and made their way through the peaceful and idyllic town of Carthage, Missouri, near Joplin, where more people were mercilessly subjected to the runaway tomatoes.

In solidarity with the victims of these deadly produce items, several national restaurant chains have voluntarily pulled tomatoes from their menus, including McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, and Outback Steakhouse. Grocers have also jumped on board the flimsy bandwagon, forcing their employees to wear “tomato victims awareness ribbons” and have stopped selling the fruit in their stores.

More news later as the story develops.

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WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND – All is not well in the balmy paradise world of the South Pacific, according to recent reports from a tiny island nation near New Zealand. Kiribati, a low-lying Pacific atoll nation has sent out a desperate missive, claiming its citizens have already been lost to the evils of global warming.

Kiribati President Anote Tong said his nation was being crippled by the large numbers of deaths due to uncontrollably rising sea levels.

“This is so bad!” wailed Tong. “Our strong men are drowning in their own homes. Our fields have been destroyed by salt water and are children are menaced everyday by amphibious giant squid!”

A group of men in white lab coats calling themselves environmental scientists are undecided as to whether the sea levels are rising or not, but President Tong held a press conference to claim widespread environmental damage to his nation.

“I am not a scientist, nor do I play one on TV, but what I know is that things are happening we have not experienced before,” Tong, the paragon of leadership and courage said before a small crowd of environmentalists. “Let’s face it. Our nation is over. It’s probably only a matter of days before our entire nation is submerged. That’s why I’ve called on our shamanic leaders to resurrect our population as zombies.”

When questioned about the decision to reanimate his people as slavering undead minions, Tong explained his position further…

“It’s not as crazy as it might sound,” he said. “Besides, these are desperate times. Undead are hearty and require no food. They can toil all day long and are pretty much unaffected by the heat or by drowning, since they’re already dead and all. Already, nearly half of our population is zombies and I fear we might all have to undergo this process if evil nations like the United States and Australia don’t stop driving cars. The emissions are literally killing us, man!”

As shocking as it might seem to nations with a lot of land, calls to re-animate portions of the population as walking dead are not unprecedented in small island nations. A large portion of the workforce in Haiti, Vanuatu, Tonga, and Guam, is comprised of zombies. However, it should be noted that Kiribati is the first ever nation to implement such drastic measures on a wide scale.

“In a matter of a few short months, we may be the first nation in the world to be run entirely by zombies,” lamented Tong. “Shame on you, America!”

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In a recent public speech, Marxist-Democrat presidential candidate Barack Hussein Ali Baba Siddiqui Hassan Al-Mehmoud Faizal Obama declared that nuclear weapons were harmless to the United States.

“I’m no scientist,” said Obama, smirking with self-confidence, “but from what I hear, atoms are really, really tiny. I mean, they’re all around us and I still can’t see them! That’s how tiny they are, folks. Anyway, since nuclear weapons are based on atoms, their effects should be pretty tiny, too. So, there you have it! All this paranoia and hysteria over Iran developing nukes is ridiculous. A tiny nation using weapons that rely on teeny tiny atoms is no threat whatsoever.”

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NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – At a recent town hall meeting hosted by the skeletal and presumptive Republicrat presidential nominee, John Effing McCain, the elderly senator from Arizona heaped praise, adulation, and his private fantasies on the embittered old crone from New York, Illinois, and Arkansas.

“I love the fact that Senator Clinton is still in the race,” muttered McCain to the hand-picked group of sycophants present. “I’m sorry I’ve been focusing so much on Barack Hussein Ali Baba Siddiqui Mahmoud Ahmedinejad Osama bin Obama. Mrs. Clinton is still technically in the race and I apologize and distance myself from my previous insensitivity to her needs.”

The senator continued, “I know Senator Clinton intimately. We’ve had many magical moments together in Washington and at my private bungalo in upstate Vermont. I think we have both done more good for the country while giving each other oil massages than we ever could have done on the floor of the Senate — although we might try that, too… heh heh heh.”

A polite titter of applause made its way around the meeting as people nervously looked for the exits.

“I guess the takeaway here is that Mrs. Clinton is very open to new ideas, very considerate of old guys, and is capable of adopting almost any position — on the issues, I mean! She is a very brave and courageous woman and her possible criminal ties and connections to the Red Chinese should be considered in light of everything she’s done for me… and the women of America, too.”

As the paid supporters began to file out in disgust, McCain carried on, undaunted by his ever-decreasing levels of support.

“Just think! She has inspired generations of American women to believe that they can reach the highest office in this nation, even though we all know that’s a colossal crock of donkey poop. Not everyone can do this with a straight face and I respect that.”

A chorus of crickets chirped in approval as the lights of the facility were extinguished.

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LONDON, ENGLAND (UK) – After years of rigorous research and lengthy taste-tests with the SAS, scientists in England have discovered that insects are not only tasty and nutritious, but also good for Mother Earth.

Since growing numbers of upper-income flakes in overly-wealthy industrialized nations are straying away from traditional meats like beef, pork, lamb, chicken, and fish, the lack of protein and other vital nutrients was starting to take a toll on their productivity.

“Being vegan is great and all,” said Sally Forth, a computer technician at one of Britain’s largest computer technology places, “but the lack of animal protein in that lifestyle really reduces one’s energy levels. It’s hard to click a mouse when you haven’t eaten anything of substance!”

Beyond filling the artificially-created protein gap in many stupid white people’s diets, several guys in lab coats with British accents feel that insectoid flesh might just be the ticket.

“Crickets are just as yummy as Raisin Bran,” said Dr. Nigel Pumphrey, lead scientist guy of the Bugs Are Really Fantastic Institute of Nutrition and Gastronomy (BARFING) at Oxford University. “When you bite into a cicada or a cockroach, freshly grilled with some cilantro-lime dressing and a side of jasmine steamed rice, you will be experiencing a sublime taste experience unlike any other. Bugs are high in protein and their exoskeletons make a lovely popping sound when you eat them.”

Dr. Ralph Daley of BARFING concurs with the study’s findings, stating further that “Eating bugs reduces the total number of pests in the world, and so it’s really good for the environment and crap like that. Really, you’ll be glad you’re scarfing down insects just thinking about how you’re saving the planet.”

“Bugs are highly complex from a gastronomical standpoint,” said Chef Zinny MacRae, who serves several types of crunchy invertebrates in his upscale bistro in London’s Soho district. “When dried, some insects can have up to twice the protein of meat and fish, while others are an excellent source of unsaturated fats, vitamins, and minerals. Not to mention, the taste is out of this world!”

Food industry experts believe that one day, insects could be marketed as a low-fat alternative to such staple snack foods as potato chips, popcorn, and even caviar. Forward-thinking companies, such as Frito-Lay are already constructing enormous ant farms and roach colonies to get a head start on the inevitable surge of insect consumption in Europe, Australia, Canada, and Los Estados Unidos.

“Traditionally, bugs as food has been frowned on largely due to the ‘ick’ factor,” said Dr. Daley. “With more publicly-funded scientific studies, however, we hope to overcome the revulsion most people feel toward eating bugs and replace it with a sense of duty to the environment — no matter what that might be.”

However, lesser-developed, crappy nations in other reaches of the world have been reaping the benefits of consuming insects for years. Asian countries enjoy such delicious and appetizing dishes as stir-fried crickets and roasted caterpillars, Mexicans feast on heaping piles of squirming grubs, and several African and South Pacific nations chow down on locusts, larvae, maggots, dragonflies, and other creepy bugs whose names are really hard to say.

“In many places in Southeast Asia, deep-fried insects are sold as street food and many markets sell dried bugs by the pound as key mystery ingredients for many dishes. And, see? Their lack of industry and consumption of gross wriggly varmints has made them morally superior to us in the West,” said Phil Moore, spokesorifice for Greenfarce, a minimally environmental political action group bent on overturning the immutable market forces of human psychology. “If Americans would willingly subject themselves to third-world living conditions, riding bikes or oxen to work, and eat more insects, they would not leave such a giant, carbon-based stain on the environment and would be morally better, to boot. Our group sells ready-to-eat spiders, by the way…”

Some scientists feel that insects are arthropods, and as such, should taste just as good as other commonly-ingested arthropods like lobster, crab, shrimp, and multi-tentacled space bugs from Alpha Centauri.

However, there is widespread resistance among consumers toward the idea of eating insects as a food source. Most people in the Earth-damaging industrialized nations feel they are “nasty” or “creepy” or some other negative adjective.

“Let’s face it: bugs are yicky,” said Dr. Armin Mueller-Stahl of the Teutonic Institute for Culinary Knowledge in Vienna, Austria. “Nobody in Europe, Australia, or America will eat bugs. They are just not very appetizing. I want to upchuck just thinking about eating them. It’s gross, really. Screw the planet! Eat cheese and chocolate instead!”

In poor, backwards countries that are more Earth-friendly, however, governments have taken an active role in encouraging their citizens to eat insects, even distributing recipes to the populace where necessary.

Some English chef, who serves weird and vomit-inducing foods, said: “Bugs are good food, man. Once you get past the moment where you look that cricket or locust in the eye and feel the satisfying crunch of their exoskeleton against your molars, you will be hooked. The stomach illnesses only last for a day or so anyway. Besides, if you don’t eat bugs, you hate the planet and you should die. You’d rather eat a bug than die, right?”

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