Apparently, Mr. Obama is running for office in every country on Earth. Here, he poses in front of Number 10, Downing Street, in London, England, in hopes of becoming the new Prime Minister of England. Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment.
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WHITEHOUSE STATION, NEW JERSEY – Merck & Co., Inc. announced today that it will be investigating the medicinal benefits of snake oil, according to the company’s web site. With sales of its other patented drugs doing so well world-wide, the pharmaceutical giant has put its vast research and development budget toward the potential miracle cures that may lurk inside the eicosapentaenoic acids (EPA) which the company wishes to patent.
If approved by the increasingly easy-to-bribe United States Food and Drug Administration (USFDA), Merck hopes to market the oil-laden tablets under the brand name of “Curitol”, which may or may not be taken by another company.
“Merck is proud that Curitol will probably be approved by the FDA as a treatment for just about everything,” said Heinrich von Schtupp, a company spokesman. “We will aggressively market this so that every doctor in the western world will prescribe it to every citizen, no matter what. This is truly an incredible breakthrough for mankind!”
When questioned about the matter, the FDA declined to respond but offered to accept any donations we might be willing to give them and/or “hook us up” with some Curitol when it hits the market.
Some environmentalists, however, are concerned that this new medication for “all known human maladies” might lead to a shortage in the world’s snake population as other drug companies scramble to create their own competing brands of snake oil products.
“This is bad, really,” said Missy Kringle of the People’s Institute for Snake Survival. “Sure, snake oil might have medicinal qualities that rival or exceed those of penecillin, but what about the cold, slithery, poisonous snakes? They have rights, too! This discovery could very well lead to fewer snake bites in the future, which would totally stink!”
When faced with the grave nature of the negative impact that snake oil harvesting might pose to the venomous serpent population of the Earth, Von Schtupp said that Merck was considering creating “snake farms” where specially-cloned snakes would be raised and harvested for their oils in a humane, non-invasive way.
“We are not a bunch of mountebanks here,” said Von Schtupp. “This, I can assure you, is science!”
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TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian President and Professional Saber-Rattler, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said Iran will no longer provide concessions in its attempt to develop a nuclear weapons program, stating that, if the U. N. and western nations wanted to watch uranium enrichment in their centrifuges, they’d have to bring their own comestibles.
During a well-choreographed and expertly-scored speech to his bedroom wallpaper, the babbling and psychopathic idiot said very plainly “Iran is not Israel and America’s food service provider for these meetings! We’re tired of cooking hot dogs, popcorn, and stale nachos for the insolent Westerners. If the Great Satan wants munchies, make them yourself!”
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WASHINGTON, DC – After years of maltreatment and forced pasteurization, milk has finally found some supporters on Capitol Hill. With the rising tide of lactose intolerance in the United States, members of congress, led by Rep. Henry Waxman, have decided to take a stand and call it what it is: a hate crime.
“The fact that lactose intolerance still exists in America is a crying shame,” said Rep. Waxman. “You think we’d have progressed passed such primitive notions by now. It’s time we as politicians stood up against this bigotry and said ‘enough is enough’! I and my esteemed milk-drinking colleagues in Congress will fight to make sure that every carton of milk is a planned, wanted carton of milk.”
The La Leche League, an organization dedicated to the forced breast feeding of every infant born on Earth, concurs with the Congressthing’s stance on the issue.
“It’s high time we put these lactose intolerant yahoos behind bars or fined them heavily,” said Blanche Nightly, a spokesgal for the LLL. “Allergies are not an excuse for non-inclusive behavior patterns. Think of the poor cows and goats that have sacrificed to make that table milk possible! It’s an outrage!”
The bill, HR 001, is set to be presented to the Congressional Lactation Committee later this year and provides stiff penalties for those who are deemed to be lactose intolerant, including fines and possible jail time for those who don’t drink lots of milk every day.
“We need to see more milk in our schools,” said Rev. Al Sharpton. “Kids just don’t drink enough milk these days and, even though it’s white, its probably good for them. This lactose intolerance is just another attempt by the Man to keep bone density down!”
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HOUSTON, TEXAS – In order to solve the impending energy crisis in the United States, Texas oilman and self-made multi-millionaire, T. Boone Pickens, has unveiled his latest plan to solve the oil supply crunch: billions of hamster wheels connected to electric generators.
“Let’s face it,” said Pickens, “America needs energy. But we don’t need any more oil. We can do it with clean, renewable hamster power. With a billion hamsters, we can generate enough electricity to power the entire state of Texas for a month.”
Engineers on Mr. Picken’s payroll concurred vehemently. “It’s absolutely doable. If we have a steady and massive supply of these cuddly little rodents, we can have an infinitely-renewable supply of raw power. Plus, we’ll have a supplemental food source and a virtually limitless supply of organic fertilizer. It’s a win-win-win for Texas and for the United States, too.”
“To help get this thing off the ground, I’m asking every American to start breeding hamster right NOW. We need lots of hamsters. When we get enough of these furry little dynamos, we can finally declare energy independence from evil countries that suck, like Saudi Arabia,” said Pickens. “Hamsters mean victory! Won’t you start your victory hamster ranch today? Do it for the children…”
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hossvarad | 
Crisis du Jour, Gloom & Doom, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Pulp Culture | 
07 21st, 2008| 
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LONDON, ENGLAND (UK) – Today, in a well-choreographed hand-wringing sequence delivered to the members of a House of Lords Committee in the United Kingdom, a group of scantily-clad nerds in white lab coats and thick glasses made their case for a new global pandemic.
While they have been severely wrong on numerous other occasions, spokesmen and scientists from the Royal Society for Lads in White Lab Coats (RSLWLC) insists that this time they’ve got their finger on the pulse of the next cataclysmic outbreak of disease.
“I’ll admit we were a little off base with our predictions of Ebola and anthrax,” said Dr. Reginald Fewsons, a top watcher of scary bugs for the RSLWLC. “One could say that only our test animals died, but this time, the threat of a global influenza outbreak is real!”
While some might scoff and point to the Society’s previous “loss record” when it comes to precise pathogenic prognostications, Dr. Fewsons’ reasoning is sound. Since there has not been a global outbreak in over forty years, it’s “high time” for a good, old-fashioned, 1968-style health catastrophe.
“We’re really unprepared for it,” said Dr. Fewsons, “and that can only be good for a raging, out-of-control and inconsiderate bacteria like the flu. We don’t have enough researchers, The flu’s time has come! You heard it here first!”
When asked about the severity of the potential outbreak, Dr. Fewsons said “It could be anywhere from one person to everyone on Earth. We need to take this seriously our we could all be dead and then who would watch for future epidemics?”
Lord Michael Grubbs, an undocumented member of the House of Lords Committee, convinced that something truly awful will someday happen, also weighed in on the issue.
“While the choreographed hand-wringing routine was satisfying on both artistic and intellectual levels, I must say that I’ve had a nagging feeling about a potential pandemic for several hours now,” said Lord Grubbs, blowing his nose. “Our warning and containment methods in the modern, developed world, just aren’t what they need to be to deal with these horrific events that haven’t happened yet. If they were, we wouldn’t be getting paid to sit around and discuss it now, would we? Anyway, given the fact that this killer flu outbreak is virtually guaranteed, I hope it kills off the people I don’t like and stays contained mostly in third-world nations where I don’t go on holiday.”
The British Parliament issued a plea to its citizens to stock up on vitamin c, hot tea, pink bismuth, and body bags in order to prepare for the impending death of everyone.
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There are many good reasons to want a Communist revolution, it seems. A few, disgruntled militant activists who are fed up with being jailed a lot grab a distorted version of Karl Marx’s epic vision for univeral poverty and thrust themselves upon some unwitting third-world populace. So why would someone go to all the trouble of overthrowing an existing government to establish themselves as a dictator of a Communist regime? We’ve narrowed it down to ten great reasons in this, our first, “enumerati” post. Here goes:
10. Monarchs are vile and selfish creatures who brutally oppress the masses while living high on the hog. Communist dictators do the same, but with more fashion sense.
9. You can kill more people than Hitler and still get good press.
8. Shooting dissidents can be a real rush!
7. Communist uniforms are snappier-looking than Nazi uniforms.
6. Big fur hats are a real hit with the ladies (Russian Communists only)/Aromatic cigars are a real hit with the ladies (Cuban Communists only)
5. Incite three revolutions and the fourth one is half-price!
4. You can still live like a capitalist while espousing the virtues of a classless society
3. Really, YOU control the means of production
2. Save money on ammunition that other governments would waste on “warning shots”
1. All the cool kids are doing it!
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hossvarad | Crisis du Jour, Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, Oddities & Entities, Weird Science! | 07 15th, 2008| No Comments »
BEIJING (PEKING), CHINA – In a move that some are heralding as a throwback to the ancient animistic rites and ancestor worship of China’s past, officials within the country’s Communist Party have called on witch-doctors, sorcerers, soothsayers, and even a few meteorologists to alter the potentially disasterous weather predicted for the opening ceremonies of this year’s Summer Olympic Games.
The forecast as it now stands is dire, indeed, for China faces not typhoons, earthquakes, blizzards, or monsoons. No, it faces a far more serious threat: drizzle. In an effort to save face before the world, China has pulled out all the stops to prevent the weather conditions from becoming “slightly moist”.
“Something like this could seriously jeopardize the success of the games!” wailed Wan Ton-lee, an event coordinator for the 300 meter political crackdown. “I mean, I could understand if it was a tidal wave or something, but… DRIZZLE? This could very well tarnish China’s reputation for centuries to come! We’ve got to change the weather somehow or we’ll all lose face!”
But how to change the weather? Enter the mystics of China’s all-but-eradicated spiritual traditions. Hu Jintao, President of the People’s Repressive Republic of China, granted us an interview to discuss the potentially cataclysmic weather conditions.
“You make fun me? I have you killed!” said Jintao, gesturing to a squadron of jackbooted liberators. Then, as if he suddenly understood, he added: “Oh! Weather! Very bad. End of world. I’m working on resume now….”
This is not the first occasion whereby severe weather has crippled the Olympics opening ceremonies around the world. There was the Partly Cloudy Day during the 1984 Los Angeles games, the Light Breeze of the Barcelona Games of 1992, and the Somewhat Less Than Ideal Temperature of the 28th Olympiad in Athens, Greece, in 2004.
“Hopefully, we change weather,” said Jintao. “We got soothsayers say we can. It will be very success. You see.”
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hossvarad | Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Oddities & Entities | 07 15th, 2008| No Comments »
BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA – In light of their fear of potential lawsuits from non-citizens, the State of California is re-structuring its driving laws to account for those who are less fortunate, less literate, and less sober.
Due to the rising numbers of “undocumented workers” that have flooded into the state and the completely unrelated increases in traffic accidents and cases of vehicular manslaughter, the government of California has decided to step up its efforts to eliminate all safety standards on the road.
“Sobriety is really over-rated,” said Marcy Wormstrom, a spokesperson for Drunks Against Mad Mothers (DAMM). “So is literacy. If you really think about it, there really isn’t any good reason why drunken illiterates shouldn’t be issued driver’s licenses. Would they be any worse than the drivers we have now? I think not.”
Gary Sanchez-Sanchez, a local attorney who has been a long time advocate of lowering driving standards in California, agrees with this assessment.
“Illegal aliens already have it tough,” he said in an interview with JP!’s reporters. “They are denied the basic rights of American citizenship, which is totally unfair. This makes a lot of Mexicans depressed, which brings on the drinking. If some of them have to drive back to their one-room apartments while intoxicated, I don’t think we should hold that against them. To make matters worse, some right-wing hatemongers out there are actually claiming these hard-working people are also illiterate just because they can’t read. Have they no shame? Even assuming they’re correct, since when did sobriety and literacy become requirements for driving a vehicle?”
Currently, under California law, if someone is stopped and found to be driving while intoxicated, they can pay a lot of money in fines and potentially lose their license. As such, a remedial Special Treatment Education and Prevention Services or “STEPS” program has been implemented to help these victims of circumstance study hard and be reinstated as a driver.
“It doesn’t matter if the person is a US citizen or not,” said Frances Hopp, an undocumented representative of the STEPS program. “Everyone should be able to drive around however they like. If they want to sip a beer or nurse a cognac while they do it, who are we to deprive them of this? The minute we start saying that illiterate drunken illegal aliens aren’t allowed to drive, we stop being the land of the free.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” said an anonymous bystander, drinking from a bottle lovingly wrapped in a paper bag. “There’s way too much emphasis placed on reading street signs, too. Come on, America! Get with the now!”
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WASHINGTON, DC – After months of panic and various, undisclosed outbreaks of “salmonella”, the Food and Drug Administration has determined that tomatoes are now safe to eat again and have been safe all along. As the nation breathes a sigh of relief and prepares to chow down on bushels of love apples, the benevolent overlords at the FDA wag a finger and warn that salmonella is still “out there somewhere”, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting diners who have amazingly trusted the U. S. Government to keep their foods contaminant-free. Silly people.
In order to better analyze and locate the ever-elusive bacteria, the FDA has decided to issue a “chewing schedule” for Americans. By this means, the Food and Drug Administration feels it will be better able to meddle in people’s private lives and also create some really cool new statistics on how often people chew.
“Once we have the entire nation eating at the same time and chewing in sync, we should be able to precisely pinpoint the source of the salmonella outbreak,” said Dr. Lester Schippel, an expert who was compensated to approve the of FDA’s new plan. “Also, if we could get everyone to eat the exact same food, that would be good.”
Penalties for not chewing according the national schedule will range from fines, jail time, and possible execution, as the threat of salmonella is probably real and some folks might get sick if strict mastication guidelines are not observed. Some citizens have voiced concerns over the measure’s draconian nature, claiming that this will reduce Americans to a bunch of chewing automatons under penalty of really poorly-conceived laws. However, the Government has a ready response for such outlandish fears.
“This really is the only logical solution to the problem,” said Garth Adams, an FDA employee who spoke with us under condition of anonymity. “If people don’t like it, that’s tough. We’ve got to think about the health of everyone else! If that makes things inconvenient for some, we really don’t care!”
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BEIJING, CHINA – In a story that has amused some and startled others, the Chinese government has temporarily removed dog meat from restaurant menus–at least for the duration of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
While most Westerners would stand up and cheer, the ever-inquisitive visiting athletes are up in arms. This means popular entrees such as shrimp-fried mongrel, crispy lemon terrier, braised husky paws, cashew poodle, and General Tso’s “chicken” will not be available during the world-wide amateur athletic extravaganza.
“This is so totally bogus!” bellowed Shelly Wallace of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. “I didn’t work hard and train all my life in the 100 meter three-legged race just to travel to China and not be able to eat dog!”
Freddy Pratt of Skeeterswat, Tennessee, agreed. “Heck, we eat squirrel all the time. In my neck of the woods, we’re lucky if we can get a dog to eat. Now that I’m a world-class athlete going to the Olympics, they’ve taken away my chance to get a real good meal. That’s just wrong, I tell you. Communist governments are so stupid and inconsiderate!”
“Most disappointing, I must say,” said Worty Jones, member of the Welsh ham flinging team. “I wonder if they’ll have any meat at all, then?”
Other athletes from exotic nations like Ireland and France were also disappointed, saddened, and enraged by the news, but their athletes were too difficult to understand. Thus, we’ve quoted an athlete from Austria instead:
“First they clean up all that algae in the ocean, depriving us of healthy green salads, now they take the good meat off the menu!” said Horst Schmidt, a member of Austria’s javelin catching team. “What are we supposed to eat now? Rice and chicken? How unappealing is that?”
The government in Beijing was quick to respond to these complaints by symbolically torching several Buddhist monasteries in the Himalayas.
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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – The Rev. Jesse Jackson has received some considerable attention in the last several days in regard to his desire to castrate the presumptive Democrat-Socialist Presidential nominee, Barack Hussain Ali Baba Mohammed Al-Sadr Obama.
Despite his duress-induced and feeble apologies, his aggressively crude machinations viz-a-viz Emperor Barack have been a fertile topic of conversation all across the American political landscape. Even the esteemed Reverend’s own son, Jesse Jackson, Junior I Think, has distanced himself from his father’s comments, while hiding the latex ring bander and extra small bands he had recently purchased.
“I was just saying Obama was a nutty guy,” said Jesse. “I just wanted him to ease off the humor a little and take his bid for President more seriously, that’s all. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Have we got an address on that microphone tech guy yet?”
Now it seems that a list of other names that the good Reverend Jackson would like to have emasculated has also surfaced. While the details are sketchy at this point, we at JP! feel it would be poor journalism to not share what we know and then wildly speculate about the missing information.
Here is a partial list of those slated to have their testes removed by the honorable Jesse Jackson in the next few months: John Edwards, Lionel Ritchie, Martin Lawrence, Jay-Z, The Notorious B-I-G, Dick Cheney, Ben Stein, Ron Jeremy, and Hillary Clinton. Previous victims include Jon Stewart, Al Franken, Alan Alda, and the remaining members of the Commodores.
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WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Congress is in the news again today. Under the careful management and good government practices of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, the new Democrat-led buffoon squad has taken the approval rating of the legislative branch down to a staggering 9%.
While largely ignored by those who prefer socialism to cute, furry bunnies, this story has not gone unnoticed by trained pollsters at Rasmussen Reports and other keen political observers. Our reporters spoke to several of them to gather their various reactions to the new national poll’s results.
“In strictly technical terms, Congress is in deep bat guano. I don’t think there’s a man, woman, child, or Mexican alive that would give a plug nickel for any member of our current legislative branch,” said Lance O’Boyle, a political writer for The Daily Irishman. “A nine percent approval rating is LOW. It’s almost an entire percent lower than last week’s ten percent number.”
“I’m amazed by this news,” said Dr. Kurt Flingenfelter of the Political Opinion Symposium for Endangered Representatives. “But really, this is probably still too high, given the idiocy of the elected officials involved. One cannot discount the effect that hundreds third-grade educations can have on national policy. We’re beginning to see the benefits of all those hug-a-thons and macaroni art classes now, however.”
Undaunted by the fact that they’re practically reviled by the voting public, the regressive Soviet-era policies of the current elected body blunder ever forward.
“I see it as a badge of honor, really,” said Nancy Pelosi. “I mean, look at how low the President’s approval number is. It’s something like 35%. What a loser, right? Well, we can’t be bested by that idiotic Texan. Harry and I have proven over the last couple of years that we can beat the President at every turn–including our disapproval numbers! Take that, W!”
Harry Reid readily agreed. “You have to realize that the American people are basically dolts,” he said, signing some real estate documents with a hurried fluorish. “What they think they want and what we know we want are two completely different things. The sooner folks shut up and let us do the governing, the better. If they had any sense, our numbers would be higher.”
Other members of the House and Senate have pledged to do better in the upcoming months before the November election.
“I think an approval rating of zero is probably possible now,” said Joe Biden. “I mean, a few months ago, it looked pretty hopeless, but now I think we’ve got a chance. Once we hit zero, things are bound to improve and people will love us again!”
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hossvarad | Crisis du Jour, Eco-Maniacs, Idiotica, In the News?, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Pulp Culture | 07 2nd, 2008| No Comments »
SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO – Today, thousands of environmental leaders, greenies, and other assorted treehumpers poured into the capitol city of New Mexico for an emergency meeting. But this time, the problem isn’t the typical one addressed by these sorts of unwashed, self-styled intellectuals. The meeting isn’t about saving whales, planting trees, eating mung bean sprouts, freeing convicted cop killers, bombing Israel, or recycling pseudo-Marxist ideologies from a bygone era. No, today the problem is far more dire.
It seems with the recent over-emphasis on the destruction of the planet and the rampant evils middle class America, environmentalists overlooked one precious resource: the words used to convey this really important message. Indeed, the word ‘sustainable’, along with several other over-used catchphrases, have fallen in supply world-wide to their lowest levels in over fifty years.
Battered, bludgeoned, twisted, re-defined, and sprinkled liberally into every TV advert, magazine article, and casual conversation shared by Earth-loving phoneys across the ‘global community’, these words have suffered tremendously at the hands of those who claim to love it. Ruthlessly repeated as a mantra by those who are ‘in the know’, proponents of the Earth have shown little compassion for conserving what’s left of the English language.
“Let’s face it,” said Dr. Emile Schwantz, a leading climatologist for the Panic Now Institute, “if something isn’t done in the next ten to twenty years, we could very well have exhausted the world’s supply of the word ‘sustainable’. Then what are we going to repeat over and over again? This is absolutely awful! How could we not see this coming?”
While other words have been proposed as a suitable replacement for ‘sustainable’, such as ‘renewable’, ‘sensible’, ‘alternative’, ‘organic’, ‘natural’, and ‘green’, it seems these other words, too, have also suffered severely in recent months from over-use. Some experts within the enviro-poser community predict that the world will run out of these synonyms, too, if new, more Earth-friendly terms are not adopted.
“We need to start researching new terms yesterday,” said Fran Sklupinsky of Madison, Wisconsin. “If we run out of these buzzwords, we wont be able to use them to badger and cow people into submission anymore. If that happens, we may very well lose our influence and that would be bad. Then, who would support all the over-priced organic grocers that cater to well-off snobs like me? Let’s find some new words, people!”
The group is pushing the federal government for $300 million in the next six weeks in order to invest in hemp clothing, granola, and a very large thesaurus made from cotton fibers harvested in the lowlands of Bangladesh by Indonesian immigrants and other FairTrade workers.
“This is the time to act people,” said Sklupinsky. “If not, we can kiss our world–and our words–goodbye forever!”
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How Many States Are There in the United States?
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