NEW YORK, NEW YORK – A new study has found that ALL adults in the United States could be overweight in the next forty years. While some experts claim it should be genetically and physiologically impossible for EVERYONE in the nation to be fat, it nevertheless is a real possibility, according to the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), an overpaid research arm of the bloated federal government.
“You see, if people keep eating the way they have been, they will get fatter,” said Dr. Wai Shi-gon of the AHRQ. “Now that we’ve redefined the weight limit for obesity, we can more comfortably assess more cases of unhealthy weight gain.”
The proof, says Dr. Shi-gon, is all around us. Some people in the United States are already fat. In fact, many people may be fat and not even realize it yet, thanks to the new lowered weight limit. It is this segment of the population that poses the greatest risk to future supplies of nachos and other snack foods.
“The Strategic Snack Food Reserve can only do so much,” said Captain Ellard Fellers, a thin man in charge of the nation’s back-up munchies supply. “If we manage to eat through all the food in currently available for general consumption, I’m afraid our reserves won’t last us very long. Let’s look at the facts here. Fat people are fat because they eat. If everyone eats, everyone will be fat AND we won’t have any food left.”
Officials the federal government agreed, and called for further government meddling in people’s lives.
“Fat people and people in general are stupid, when you really get down to brass tacks and think about it,” said Cornelius Henpenny, member of a covert Washington, DC, “think” tank. “They cannot be trusted to do things for themselves. Take eating, for example. You’d think people would be responsible, but they’re not. They just eat and eat and eat. The federal government is preparing to step in and save them from their own food-assisted suicides by limiting the number of calories each person is allowed to ingest each day in a fair and equitable manner.”
Naturally, people who like to eat what they want were disgusted by this latest attempt to curtail individual liberties in the United States.
“This is just stupid!” said Kelly Wingmeyer of Podunk. “The government is always trying to take our freedoms away and make us do stuff that we don’t want to do. First, it was wearing seatbels, then it was paying property taxes, and now they want to regulate the amount of FOOD we can eat? Grrrr!”
Henpenny, however, had a ready response for such criticisms:
“Look, it’s obvious when you look at all the lardies out there that folks have no self control. Contrast the unbridled appetites of the unwashed American hordes with the trim, efficient, and responsible way the federal government operates. Our federal budget is a sterling example of restraint. We have never ever run a deficit and I doubt we ever will. This makes us uniquely qualified to know what’s best for everyone.”
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hossvarad | 
08 27th, 2008| 
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