Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Shrieker of the House Nancy “San Fran Nan” Pelosi, fresh off the defeat of the $700 billion bailout of her rich banking buddies, decided to lighten the mood of the legislature today by doing her impersonation of the classic cigar store Indian. Noticeably riveted and inspired by her performance, other members of Congress joined in the frivolity with impressions of their own.

Charles Rangel bemused lawmakers with his John Madden impression, followed by a well-conceived routine where he pretended to be a US taxpayer; Ted Kennedy painted “Goodyear” on the side of his head and ran around the chamber singing in Spanish; President Bush impersonated a conservative, but with a noted lack of bravado; Chuck Shumer garnered accolades for his representation of Hugh Heffner; Lindsey Graham pretended he was a Mexican “migrant worker”; and Barney Frank left legislators rolling in the aisles with his Elmer Fudd impression.

These and other performances helped make the unbearable shibboleth of the disasterous, impending US financial meltdown a little more enjoyable and, in that sense alone, was deemed a good use of tax dollars. Another vote and round of celebrity impressions is scheduled to follow later this week or early next.

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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Legendary singer and performer Bette Midler says she s doing her part to save the planet by canceling her tours. Midler, 62, says her caravan of 14 semi-trailer trucks will be sidelined for the foreseeable future in an effort to cut carbon dioxide emissions and, therefore, help save the planet.

“I like it here in Vegas, said Midler in a recent interview with JP!  Instead of me dragging my weary bones all over creation, setting up my show, doing the gig, breaking down the sets, and moving to the next venue, I’ll hang out here in Vegas and my lowly fans can come to me! Why should I have to travel, anyway? I’m very rich and famous and shouldn’t be forced to do such menial things in my twilight years. Besides, tourists come Vegas all the time–Vegas doesn’t go to them!”

When asked about the potential negative environmental impact of thousands of adoring gay men flocking to her various concerts in Vegas, Ms. Midler said she would get back to us, but that her $13 million paycheck would help her overcome her grief.

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WASHINGTON, DC (that’s the current U. S. capitol, kids!) – Federal Reserve Chairman “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke today addressed the U. S. Congress over the financial woes of the United States, stating that he and his banking cronies needed the taxpayers of America to fork over $700 billion or “really bad things” will happen.

Among those things, he noted that unemployment would rise, credit rates will increase, people will lose their homes, and his ever-vanishing hairline would recede even further. And, to top all this off, some of Ben’s closest associates in the banking industry may have to downsize to seven bedroom homes and possibly even cut back on their gluttonous consumption of quality wines.

“This is an utter catastrophe in the offing,” said Bernanke before his millionaire friends in Congress. “If we can’t drink Lafite Rothschild with our dinners and be jetted about to our various homes, I don’t think America will ever be the same. I mean, some of my friends might even have to leave Chevy Chase, for crying out loud! The outlook is grim, people!”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson agreed, adding that taxpayers owe it to liberal Democrats and the wealthy banking executives that finance their campaigns to dig deep and cough up the bread.

“Gimme this money and gimme it now!” bellowed Paulson in an impassioned plea to voters. “You idiots out there don’t understand high finance anyway and don’t know what to do with your own money. I mean, do your kids really need to go to college? It’s time to tighter your belts so we can loosen ours! If this crisis is allowed to continue without government to back us up, we might have to sell our private jets and some of our Mercedes! I promise you can still sit on the couch, drink beer and watch that stupid football game – just give us your money!”

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AKRON, OHIO – A group of leftward-listing schoolchildren at the Daisy Lilly School for the Irrelevant Arts Elementary School and Socialist Indoctrination Center revealed a work of art that they have been busy crafting since last year: the Children’s Mosaic of Love for Peace. The artwork is comprised of 300 million individually hand-painted grains of rice, each bearing a small heart and a quote from Karl Marx. The children, somewhat relieved that the project is finally finished, were proud to display their work to the local television and media outlets.

“I think it’s great that the children care about love and peace and stuff,” said Mindy McInernery, the children’s faculty ‘adviser’. “They are expressing correct thoughts through art and that is the first step to a more peaceful society.”

The mosaic, which was poorly-formed, represents a dove eating the eyeballs of Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, with the inscription “Die for Peace, You Jackal!” written above in a cutesy, pseudo-cursive script.

“I learned that McCain is a bad man, even though there isn’t really any true evil in an ontological sense,” said Timmy Allbright, a seventh-year third grader and part-time philosopher. “Hopefully, this art will convey the sheer horror of doves to the world. It’s like–don’t mess with doves or they’ll kill you, you fascist pigs!”

After the unveiling the children all locked arms, burned an image of Sarah Palin in effigy, and sang the Internationale. Isn’t peace great?

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COLUMBIA, MISSOURI – Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, was visiting America’s heartland this week, stopping off at the seemingly insignificant university town of Columbia, Missouri, to deliver a boilerplate speech of leftist cliches to the assembled professorate of aging hippies, community organizers, and mothballed socialist agitators.

Biden was well-received, but his visit also had an unintended effect: it has fueled interest in the “hair plug” look. Immediately following the meeting, dozens upon dozens of follicularly-challenged pseudo-intellectuals stormed local salons and hair replacement therapy centers, demanding hair plugs.

“I don’t care what it takes,” said one academician. “Take the hair from a mule for all I care! I gots to be stylin’ like Biden!”

In just three short hours, the city was completely out of hair plugs.

“It was amazing,” said Jeannette Overcomber, ownver of Potiphar’s Wife Salon on Broadway. “All these old dudes in tie-dyes came bursting through the door, demanding that we implant hairs in their scalps. We just ran out of hair after a while, so we used some acrylic fibers from the carpet on a few of them just so we wouldn’t have to call the cops when things got out of hand.”

Indeed, similar reports have started rolling in from such culturally diverse locations as Berkeley, California; Chevy Chase, Maryland; Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts; Aspen, Colorado; and Beverly Hills.

“Hair plug mania is here!” shouted one man, sporting his new ‘do. “Go, Biden, go!”

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Speaking from one of the fifty-seven states, Democrat Presidential nominee B. Hussein Obama today said that he would make ugly government excess and over-spending “more prettier” by gussying up wasteful pork-barrel spending with lipstick.

“Think of it as lipstick on a pig,” said Obama, giggling at his own cleverness. “It’s still pork-barrel spending, it just looks a little nicer.”

Alberto Cerrado, a long-time Obama supporter, was enthusiastic about the comments. “Finally! We’ve got a guy who can make billions of dollars of government spending look better. For years we’ve tried to think of a way to better sell ‘pork’ to the masses, and now I think we’ve got it!”

“Theh’s nothing mow sexy than a pig wiff makeup,” said Rep. Barney Franks (D-MA). “This is willy going to make awe case foh us.”

Nancy Pelosi concurred, adding that “Hot pigs should be an additional turn-on for all those drooling yobs out there in fly-over country.”

Not all of Obama’s supporters were delighted with the imagery, however. Members of Al Qaeda, Moamar Khadaffy, the spokesman for Hezbollah, Al Jazeera, and others, including Obama’s own imam, were outraged by the blatant use of porcine analogies.

“This is not halal,” they said. “We cannot support this. We hope our brother Barack wises up before he loses the all-important terrorist vote.”

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NEW YORK, NY – According the climate chief at the United Nations (UN), Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, people should have one thought-free day a week if they want to make an effective sacrifice that would help tackle climate change.

Dr. Pachauri, who won a Nobel Prize for Lack of Thought last year, said that excess brain waves may contribute to the pseudo-catastrophe known popularly as “global warming.” In addition to this, citizens that think too much may eventually discover the evidence doesn’t add up.

“It’s a win-win,” said ‘Dr. Patch’. “I know a lot of folks will think this is controversial, but it’s really necessary if we are to save the planet and keep global warming hysteria alive. We can’t continue to flim-flam people if they think all the time.”

Globalists at the UN estimate that excess thoughts account for nearly a fifth of global greenhouse gas emissions. These are generated during the production of sensible ideas, which are 23 times more effective as a global warming agent than carbon dioxide. The agency has also warned that, with the increase in private education and homeschooling in the United States, thought production was predicted to double by the middle of the century.

Doctor Patch, whose body currently suffers from several protein deficiencies, babbled on: “In terms of immediacy of action and the feasibility of bringing about reductions in a short period of time, it clearly is the most attractive opportunity. Give up thinking for one day a week initially, and decrease it from there. Soon, no-one will think again ever and that’s good news for Mother Earth.”

However, he wasn’t finished there. In a loosely-connected and ham-fisted addendum, Dr. Patch also stressed that capitalist economics must be stopped at all costs because it makes other nations like Russia, China, India, and most of Western Europe look bad by comparison. “We need to reduce economic output,” said he. “We cannot rest until the rest of the industrialized world has a living standard comparable to Calcutta.”

Several rapidly-aging, emaciated potheads from Berkeley, California, lent their support to the idea, advocating that everyone stop thinking in order for us all to get along better and to save the Earth and stuff.

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