Junk Panic!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – With the United States’ presidential election coming up next week, community organizers and get-out-the-votes organizations are urging newly-registered youth, cartoon characters, and the recently deceased, to get out an vote this November 5.

“This is a very critical election,” said Mimi Schwarzenbakker, a representative for the controversial ACORN vote-registering organization. “If we don’t get out next Wednesday and vote, everything we socialists have been working for since the Wilson Administration will be in serious jeopardy.”

Schwarzenbakker continued: “The choice is simple: get out and vote and keep your welfare checks or stay home and find yourself not getting paid to play video games. I, for one, and the Greater New York branches of ACORN, however, find not fleecing the working class reprehensible. So, we’re investing a lot of time and effort into getting people to the polls this November 5. Vote people! Your parasitical lifestyle depends on it!”

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KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI – Lewis Diuguid, an editorial columnist for the failing Kansas City Star newspaper, has done yeoman work this week in exposing a vast conspiracy perpetuated by the McCain-Palin campaign. It appears Republican National Committee (RNC), in a coordinated effort with Karl Rove, George W. Bush, the Ghost of Adolph Hitler, and the Swiss Chocolatiers Political Action Committee (Swiss ChocoPAC), are promoting the consumption of chocolate nation-wide by repeatedly calling Barack Hussein Obama a “socialist”.

Diuguid contends that the dark history of the word ‘socialist’ is a political code-word for fattening candy better known world-wide as “chocolate”.

“This dates back to McCarthyism and the illegal and possibly color-coordinated machinations of J. Edgar Hoover, who as everyone knows, had very strong ties to the Hershey family in Pennsylvania and also to the Swiss Chocolate Underground. Several top-secret communiques has surfaced lately to indicate Hoover actually aided and abetted these pro-chocolate cells in the United States, which has led to the domination of chocolate bars over all other kinds of more healthier food ever since,” writes Diuguid. “Shame on McCain and Palin for promoting unhealthy eating habits at the expense of poor little Barack Hussein Obama.”

Upon hearing the news, literally thousands of United States citizens registered to vote for more socialism.

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PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA – In a political race that many analysts say is tightening up very quickly, Pennsylvania Representative John “Jack” Murtha (D) has had to go to extreme measures to raise much-needed campaign funds, turning to Hollywood celebrities, Freddie Mac, Barack Hussein Obama, and even Satan himself.

“I’m very happy that Jack came to me with his financial needs,” said the Lord of Darkness in a recent interview with Katie Couric. “Of course, I have plenty of dough and I’m always willing to help out folks like Congressman Murtha.”

While the Murtha campaign has tried to keep the new monetary alliance with the Prince of Lies a secret, word leaked out when Jack inadvertently flashed the “Horned Hand” or “Comuto” hand-sign at a recent campaign rally (pictured above).

When asked about the controversial move, Murtha merely replied “The devil made me do it.”

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All the children of the world today took time out from the impending cat crisis to hold hands, sing songs, and shoot off really expensive Chinese fireworks to celebrate the 100th post of JunkPanic!com. As the skies parted and the angel choirs sang, many mistook it for an Obama rally and a smallish crowd quickly assembled around event.

We are honored to have published so much stuff that we now have 100 posts under our belt. This is a significant milestone in pseudo-news reporting and proves conclusively that we have way too much time on our hands.

To commemorate the occasion, we are creating a special edition “100 Posts!” T-shirt which readers can buy to support and promote our nonsensical site. It’s very important that you buy our stuff. It’s probably more important than feeding your children or breathing. Do it today before it’s too late!

Anyway, we seem to have digressed from our original topic: Our 100th Post. We’re glad Thank you for reading our stuff so far. Stay tuned for the next 100 posts!

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CARACAS, VENEZUELA – In a move that startled many, Venezuelan socialist dictator and all-around nice guy, Hugo Chavez, has accepted an invitation to join the famous 1970s disco group, The Village People. An opening in the flamboyant group became available when the original Construction Worker, David Hodo, developed a long-term case of laryngitis and will be unable to perform for several weeks.

While his membership is likely to be temporary, club goers and Com simps everywhere are lining up to buy tickets to shows where Construction Worker Hugo will be appearing.

“This very good chance for me to shake it for the boys,” said Chavez in a recent interview with Out Magazine. “The song ‘YMCA’ was very influential in my political and personal development. I also enjoy singing and dancing on stage for men, so this is a natural progession for me. Also, I should now be better able to win the homo vote in Venezuela. You never know when you’ll need those seven extra votes.”

The Village People were relieved that Hugo accepted the place on stage, stating that “It’s hard to get singing, dancing, hard-hat wearing performers on such short notice.” David Hodo text messaged his approval of the move and says he should be back in the lineup by Christmas.

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STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – In light of the recent spate of bad weather in various parts of the world, the International Brotherhood of Meteorologists met in the Swedish capitol today to work on a variety of solutions to “less than ideal” ambient conditions around the globe. On this year’s agenda: making weather more better for everyone forever.

“If you look at the globe today, you’ll see that some areas of the planet Earth are hot and dry, others are cold and damp, others are cold and dry and still others are hot and damp,” said Sven Gildenhaussen, co-chair of the Patently Obvious Subcommittee of the IBM.

Gildenhausen continued: “Naturally, these conditions allow some regions to grow certain crops, while other regions are denied those particular crops or, in extreme cases, are unable to grow anything at all. This leads to some pretty scary situations where food is unequally distributed. Why should good climates be limited to the chosen few or the very wealthy? Why should some people get to eat stuff while other people eat other stuff? What we want to do is make sure everyone gets the same weather everywhere, insuring equality and justice forever and all that crap.”

In response to these very serious inequities in the world’s weather patterns, the IBM have decided to create an international governing body that would maintain constant temperatures in every nation on Earth, thereby insuring mutual happiness and prosperity for all.

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SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA – Usually, George Patinkin enjoys heading for the fridge to get a snack during the commercial breaks of his favorite TV show, America’s Funniest Stunt Pets. However, today he got an unexpected and unpleasant surprise when his refrigerator was infested with three tabby cats.

“It was quite a shock,” said Patinkin, still shivering from the ordeal. “I opened the fridge door and there were these cats in there, eating my wienerschnitzel and left over potato salad. When I tried to shoo them out, they hissed at me and headed for the pulled pork. I had to call animal control!”

Patinkin is not alone, however. Across the globe, reports are pouring in regarding renegade cats invading freezers, refrigerators, coolers, grain bins, fish hatcheries, and gourmet restaurants, striking back in protest against the uptick in cat meat consumption world-wide.

“This is a very serious situation, to be certain,” said General Thomas Katzenberger, commander of the American-led United Nations Counter-Feline Insurgency Corps. “We haven’t seen a surge in feline aggression this pronounced and widespread since the Great Tuna Surplus of Nova Scotia in 1978! We just want people to know that the UNCFIC forces are being mobilized in case diplomatic efforts break down.”

In the meanwhile, authorities have released an international checklist of common-sense measures ordinary people can take to weather the unslaught of the world’s felines. It is advised that all human citizens of the Earth take the following measures:

1. Do not carpet yourself or decorate your person with bits of string. Cats like to scratch carpet and wearing it will increase the potential for personal injury from cat claws.
2. Do not work closely with fish or chickens or livers. This should be obvious, but for those educated in American public schools, cats like to eat these things. If you smell like these things, you could be attacked and possibly eaten.
3. Try to avoid eating cat meat for at least a week or two. This will provide sufficient time for angry felines to cool off. If you must eat cat, do it quickly and during the times of the day when cats usually nap. Then, wash yourself  thoroughly afterward in a chemical shower.
4. Do not mock or make threatening gestures toward cats. If you find cats in your home, pantry, or refrigerator, contact your local animal control authorities immediately. Remember, they may be experiencing unusually high call volumes in your area, so please be patient. Try not to panic or threaten the cats until the professionals arrive.
5. Immediately remove all catnip and/or cat meat products from your home. These things are best destroyed in a fire of at least 7000 degrees F.
6. Be calm. Help is on the way! Remember, we’re all in this together.
7. There must be a seventh thing to remember. This is it.

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LIMA, PERU – In honor of what is apparently International Cat Eating Month, a massive festival is being held in the capitol city of Peru this week. The menu item of choice? Fried cat.

Animal rights crazies have already registered guttural grunts of outrage of the event, claiming that the cats are unfit for human consumption as prepared and that Peru has a lot to learn when it comes to feline culinary arts. American-style food snobbery then ensued.

“Eating fried cats made by real American or French chefs is one thing, but this street vendor-style crap has got to go!” exclaimed Willa Yu-chu, spokesperson and food critic for People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA). “Take this cat, for instance. It’s bland and flavorless… not to mention over-fried. Bleh!”

However, the organizers of the annual cat crunch-off seem undaunted by complaints from kooky animal-loving groups.

“It’s tradition here in Lima,” said Oscar Jimenez, III, the chairman of the Sub-Equatorial Cat Festival Committee. “Cats are high in protein and low in fat. We have too many cats and too many hungry people. This festival is kind of like our annual spring cleaning, taking out the overpopulation of felines and feeding the needy at the same time. Plus, cats just taste good!”

Public health officials also note that eating cats is a good remedy for bronchitis, strep throat, goiter, shingles, cancer, and PMS. Thus, the annual two-day gastronomic extravaganza known as the “Massacre of the Moggies” — Moggies, of course, refers to invisible fey creatures believed by the locals to inhabit the bodies of cats.

“Fried cat es muy delicioso,” said a toothless beggar nearby. “El sabor es bueno. Muy, muy bueno…” [CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH]

Besides the traditional, greasy over-fried cat, this year’s festival has added other items to the menu–all cat-based, of course. Some of the more upscale eateries and sidewalk cafes are offering such diverse menu items as cat a la king, Waldorf salad with crispy cat strips, feline fricassee, tabby tamales, and a snappy cat and tree frog bisque.

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For months upon end now, the presidential campaign of Barack Hussein Ali Ackbar Obama has been using the uplifting, hopeful, yet somehow unchanging motto “YES WE CAN!” to stir up the legions of mind-numbed zombies, intellectual snobs, and sundry other down-and-out toad lickers across the USA. However, there appears to be a problem that may turn the whole campaign upside-down (rightside-up for Australians): Bob the Builder.

The unfathomably popular children’s show character’s lawyers have contacted the Obama campaign with a cease-and-desist order for infringement on Bob’s famous catchphrase “Yes we can!”. In fact, the construction specialist’s slug line appears in his very own theme song, which goes thus: “Bob the Builder! Can we fix it? Bob the Builder! Yes we can!” The positive words are re-uttered ad nauseum throughout the entirety of every show, giving Bob clear ownership of the phrase.

“This is very bad for us because it comes at a critical point in our campaign,” bemoaned David Axelrod, chief manipulator for Obama. “Hopefully, we can lease the phrase until after November 4. Our lawyers are currently in negotiations with the Bob the Builder’s people. We’ll keep you posted.”

Until an agreement is reached, however, Obama will be using the substitute slogan “Perhaps we may!” on the campaign trail.

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GLENWOOD SPRINGS, COLORADO – Authorities from the Food and Drug Administration conducted a raid of a Battlement Mesa apartment this week, seizing a large number of cats that the occupant was apparently raising for food. Overall, a total of eighty-six cats were pulled from the woman’s two-bedroom apartment.

“This is totally unfair!” said Christy Lembeck, a neighbor of the infamous ‘cat lady’. “Now what are my kids going to eat? With the Cat Lady gone, we’re going to have to drive across town to our other supplier. My hearty chili recipe will never be the same!”

Other residents were also saddened by the news, including a local rifle-firing club that routinely purchased kittens from the Cat Lady for target practice.

“Hard times are upon us,” said Lester Fleck, a member of the Glenwood Springs Cat Shooting Club. “I know people in other cities that are swimming in cats, but here the supplies keep getting siezed by the feds. I’m going to have to break down and start breeding my own.”

While representatives from the FDA could not be reached regarding the incident, they did post a notice on their website regarding cat-meat suppliers. Apparently, the cats were siezed because the Cat Lady did not meet minimum standards of cleanliness for a meat-packing facility. Also, some of her products bore incomplete or inaccurate food labels, such as the Kitty Love Snack Cake, Cheesy Cat Nips, and the Kitty Kat Pot Pie.

“I’m sure going to miss those pot pies,” said Kimmy Johnson, a ten year old neighbor girl, eyes welling up with tears. “They were my favorite.”

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BOISE, IDAHO – A group of researchers has recently determined that, when it comes to evil, Americans prefer it to smell fresh and clean. In a side-by-side comparison with regular-smelling evil, the pool of test subjects widely favored the citrus-enhanced malevolence by a 3-to-1 margin.

“This is great news for us,” said Satan, a noted bad guy and purveyor of evil. “It means we can open up a whole new product line to cater to American evildoers specifically, which will save us a bundle on advertising costs. These guys in Boise have already done the market research–all we need to do is get the product out there. Besides, I kinda like the new smell myself.”

Other concepts that benefited from lemon-scenting include: drag racing, smut, kickboxing, porn, care centers, hairpieces, traffic lights, wishful thinking, and lemons.

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ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI – In recent days, some controversy has arisen over the neutrality and objectivity of the moderator for the upcoming vice-presidential debates in the Show-Me state. Gwen Ifill, from PBS’s “Washington Week”, has gone out of her way to make sure that everybody is treated the same.

“I want to assure the American people that I will handle the moderating duties of the debate with the utmost of objectivity and even-handedness,” explained Ifill to JP!’s reporter. “Yes, I have devil horns sprouting from by cranium, but that would in no way imply a connection of some sort to the demonic netherworld. Just because Sarah Palin is a redneck cracker Christian bitch and Joe Biden is a really cool guy with nearly transparent hair doesn’t mean I’ll play favorites at the debate. I am a professional, after all. Besides, I’m growing my hair out to cover the horns, anyway. Fashion first!”

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