hossvarad | 
11 24th, 2008| 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – President-Select Barack Hussein Obama, seen here representing his South-Side peeps, issued a bull on Saturday, proclaiming the end of misery, unemployment, racism, economic woes, and certain figures of speech all over the world.
“I’m going to make lots of jobs for everyone,” said the blinged-out Barry. “Each American man, woman, and child, will have so many jobs to do, they will never worry about unemployment again. Also, I promise a rainbow every day and free hugs for the hug-disadvantaged from my designated Hug Czar. I’m telling you, folks, things are going to get more gooder! Just hang in there!”
Some critics have complained that Obama’s cabinet selections do not reflect a new direction for the nation, but are more of a throwback to the Clinton years or maybe even FDR Himself [insert angelic choir music here]. However, these critics have been put on a Nixon-style enemies list and will soon take a very long vacation “volunteering” to dig drainage ditches near Two Guns, Arizona.
“Unhappiness will be stamped out with the well-polished boot heel of government,” said Obama, polishing his collection of ‘Marxist of the Year’ trophies. “If one person isn’t happy, then that kind of negative vibe can spread to others. Unhappiness leads to thinking. Thinking leads to a shortened term as leader. And that is bad. So get happy, people… OR ELSE!!”
Indeed, top experts near Barry have indicated that a new nation-wide program detailing each citizen’s minimum daily Happiness Quotient (HQ), and various punitive actions that the government will take against folks that aren’t happy enough.
Rahm Emmanuel, Obama’s selected White House Chief of Staff, sees little problem with such measures, stating “People are going to be very, very happy with the new direction of the country. Get ready for the lollipops and rainbows and world peace, ’cause they’re a-comin’.”
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