Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Treasury Secretary Henry “Hanky” Paulson today issued a challenge to “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve. The message? “My bailout can beat up your bailout”. Sure, it may seem juvenile to some, but both men have command of colossal amounts of paper money, not to mention the nearly infinite supply of electron-based currency.

“What we’re seeing here is the mother of all financial peeing contests,” said James Montenegro, an economic observer from the Bronx. “Each of these guys can wave a wand and create stacks of money. It’s just a question of who will make more of it and how fast.”

Some, concerned about the possibility of hyperinflation that might result from the posturing of these two men, have decided to pack themselves in foam and sail to Cuba. Others, seemingly unworried about the potential fiscal Armageddon, continue to shop at The Gap and compare mileage on their SUVs.

“This could get pretty ugly,” said Hulk Hogan. “Bernanke’s got that whole ‘drop bills from a helicopter’ strategy, but Hank’s got the power from the U. S. House to do whatever he wants. That’s a lot of power, Brother!!”

This says nothing of the looming “stimulus package” proposed by President Erect Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama, which threatens to weigh in at a staggering $1 trillion.

“It’s going to be interesting to see who can create the most devalued currency the fastest,” said Francis Alvarato, Jr., a noted philanthropist and chainsaw juggler. “Either way, you can rest assured–we’re all screwed!”

In the meantime, Bernanke and Paulson are boxing clever, waiting to deliver the big blows in the Mother Of All Bailouts (MOAB), itching to show who’s got the real moxy when it comes to stupid fiscal policies. When asked if he was ready for the challenge, Paulson said “Bring it on, Chopper Boy!”

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 ROME, ITALY – The boot-shaped nation of Italy has been put in a crisis of controversy in recent weeks regarding a potential bailout of its Big Three cheese manufacturers: Parmesan, Mozzarella, and Provolone. Apparently, manufacturers of the ever-popular Parmesan cheese are in dire need of government funds to keep producing the ubiquitous Caesar salad topping, which has enraged manufacturers of Mozzarella and Parmesan.

“This is an outrage!” said Luigi Bellantonio, head of the People’s Mozzarella Council for Greater Italy. “Why should cheese makers in Parma get this money? Mozzarella is very popular, too! Ever eat a pizza without it? I didn’t think so! We deserve money just as much as those hard cheese guys!”

Not to be excluded, Provolone manufacturers, have also put in their request for more government money. “We’re making substantial inroads on submarine sandwiches in the United States,” said Gino Gianetti, vice president of the Italian Manufacturers of Italy. “Plus, you can eat it by the slice. It’s good that way, too.”

“Provolone makers are idiots,” said Rodolfo Morelli of the Parmesan Makers Union. “They’re like the Chrysler of cheese–always in third place, whining and begging for business. If you can’t club someone over the head with a block of cheese or use it as a spare tire on your car, then it’s not really cheese. You can do these things with Parmesan. Try it with those other two softer cheeses and see what you get.”

A recent opinion poll of Italian citizens has shown that a suprising majority of the people–some 75%–find the whole issue grating, with 60% wishing they curd get the whole issue out of the whey.

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ATHENS, GREECE – Greek authorities are out of gas–tear gas, that is. Apparently, after seven days’ worth of hard-core deployment against hordes of rioting uzo addicts, the country is out of tear gas.

“These student protesters are like cockroaches,” said Lt. Niklos Papoudapolis of the Athens Police Dept. “We gas ‘em and gas ‘em and gas ‘em and they keep on coming. It’s like living in a zombie movie, if you ask me. To protect my brains I’ve Gorilla Glued my kevlar helmet to my head. You can’t be too careful.”

Critics of the Greek government have complained that using tear gas on the angry youngsters was the wrong approach to take.

“No body wants to cry,” said Sherrie Dingledorfer of Folks Against Gas and Gassing International Outreach. “People want to laugh! Especially in hard times when there’s civil unrest and social chaos. What good does using tear gas do? None, says I.”

However, Greek police, now without a viable tear gas option, have decided to change their tactics out of necessity and switch to nitrous oxide–better known as laughing gas.

“If we can’t make them cry and run away, we should leave ‘em laughing,” said Lt. Papoudapolis. “How can you throw rocks or burn police cars when your have a good chuckle? After all, Greece is known for inventing tragedy AND comedy. Time to give the other mask a try…”

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ATHENS, GREECE – Rioters have continued to create havoc in Athens, Greece, (that’s in Europe kids, right next to Poland) for the fifth straight day. Hordes of undereducated Greek youths have taken to the streets, burning things, vandalizing other things, and generally being a pain in the butt to local authorities. The cause? The Great Ouzo Shortage of 2008.

Apparently, the Greek government had poorly managed the nation’s strategic ouzo reserves, drinking merrily for a number of years before replacing the stores of olive-based liqueur. Long considered an acceptable replacement for water in Greece, ouzo has become a staple of life, allowing many less fortunate Greeks to drink really powerful alcohol and do laundry regularly at very little cost.

Now, however, it appears that the country’s ouzo supplies have run dangerously low, spurring a wave of violence not seen since the Pelopponesian Wars.

“This really sucks!” said Tasso Matsopolous, taking a break from pillaging to speak to our reporters. “Now how am I going to get my date drunk? The government’s gonna pay for this!”

If the troubles continue, the Greek government has threatened to bring out the fire hoses and possibly the Mariah Carey records to quell the violence.

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SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Experts in Australia this week have announced an extreme measure in man’s continuing fight against environmental devastation: eating camels and kangaroos.

Australians were urged this week to increase the percentage of camel meat in their diets to dissuade the vicious quadrupeds from wrecking the environment. This comes on the heels of an announcement just a few months ago begging citizens of Oz to eat more kangaroos, who, apparently, are notorious for littering and driving large gas-guzzling vehicles.
“We’ve got a lot of feral camels here in Australia,” said Dr. Jim Smythe of the Desert Animal Consumption Association (DACA). “These camels don’t give a crap about littering laws, recycling, or using compact fluorescent bulbs (CFLs), and their attitude, quite frankly is killing Mother Earth. I say we teach these uppity critters a lesson!”

Other, slightly less crazy Australians tentatively agreed.

“Camel makes a lovely bit o’beef. It’s very low in fat and smells somewhat like gopher, so you know it’s got to be good for you. Eat some camel today!” said Angela Dunn, a spokeswoman for the Royal Australian Culinary Knowledge Society. “It’s not as gross as you might fear. Besides, it’s a lot less chewy than kangaroo.”

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WASHINGTON, DC — Better times seem to be ahead for the “big 3″ car makers, despite all the hissing, shouting, and hair-pulling taking place on Capitol Hill over the proposed multi-billion dollar bailout of the U.S. automobile industry.

Amidst the conflagration of genius-level IQs in Congress, the government, under the urging of House Shrieker, Nancy Pelosi, have been entertaining yet more government “oversight” in the form of a “car czar”.

Apparently, Pelosi supports the concept of a federal overlord to manage any implemented rescue plan, saying she lacked confidence the heads of the car companies, despite having forced her illegal immigrant house servants to drive many of the companies’ products on her own personal “gopher missions”.

And who would step into this role? While many names are in contention, many insiders believe that the long-dead monarch of Imperial Russia, Czar Nicholas II, should be re-animated and given the position. Admittedly a controversial move, supporters of Czar Nicholas II claim that only HE has the czarist chops to properly oversee the withering auto industry.

“I don’t think we should rule him out just because he’s foreign, elitist, and dead,” said Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.). “Who better to be car czar than a REAL czar? Ivan the Terrible and Peter the Great are too far decomposed to serve, so I think Nick’s our guy. Besides, you won’t be able to tell the difference between a dead monarch’s oversight and some living bureaucrat’s, anyway.”

The measure is set to undergo a preliminary vote sometime in the future. However, resistance to the appointment of the deceased Romanov should be strong, due to the Obama Administration’s Marxist-Leninist tendencies.

“Didn’t we fight this war already?” asked David Axelrod. “I mean, we overthrew this guy once. Why do we have to do it again?”

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Household name Oprah “Harpo” Winfrey admitted to her legions of simpering fans that she had put on forty pounds, putting her total weight at an eye-popping 200 pounds. The teary confession, punctuated by loud nose-blowing interludes, was taped live before a studio audience.

“Why are my magazine sales falling off?” moaned Harpo, eating a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey with a shovel. “Why? WHY???”

The audience all cried along, then held hands and prayed to the nature goddess that Oprah would find her inner chi and stop eating like a pig again.

“We all love Oprah and believe in her mystical powers,” said Sherie Nippintuck, a weepy audience member. “She has such a beautiful inner power. We believe she will get through this and not blimp up to a really annoying size. That would not be very telegenic. Maybe duh Bears could use another inside linebacker?”

A candlelight vigil will be held near the shore of Lake Michigan for true believers to come, read poems, sip expensive coffee, and commissurate with the Big O’s unsightly recent weight gains. Child care will not be provided.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, in a brief press conference from somewhere within the bowels of our nation’s capitol, Shrieker of the House “San Fran Nan” Pelosi announced that the U. S. Capitol building will be converted into the world’s largest barber shop and beauty salon.

“We basically suck at governing, so we figured we’d move into a new line of work,” said Pelosi in a candid moment. “Now, we call this the barbershop. Besides, have you seen most of these folks here in Washington? We could really use some makeovers! I know I could sure use one!”

In a similar move, Chief Justice Roberts declared that the Supreme Court would also sell waffles and other quick snacks to pick up the slack during the times when they’re busy ignoring cases involving the President’s country of origin.

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Today, the FBI took Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (AKA “Blago”) into federal custody for “crimes against the state”. Apparently, Blago was attempting to auction off the U. S. Senate seat vacated by President Erect Barack Hussein Obama by posting the position in an online auction through eBay.

Blago’s attorney, some guy with a really expensive suit, said the following in the disgraced governor’s defense: “Look at it this way. Governors are really underpaid civil servants. Most of them only have two or three residences besides the usual unimpressive governors’ mansion and have to eke by on a couple of hundred thousand dollars a year. My client was merely trying to keep his family fed and seized President Obama’s seat in an effort to make some supplementary cash. You can’t blame a guy for betraying the public trust to feather his nest now, can you?”

It is expected that Blago will be flogged publicly by schoolchildren educated in the Chicago public school system, subjected to a poetry reading from William Ayers, booked into a federal prison, and then impeached from office. Blago is already in negotiations for the book rights.

“The auction on eBay didn’t work out,” said Blago. “It got up to about $2-3 million before the feds stormed my home. Jerks.”

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WASHINGTON, DC – The Supreme Court of the United States of America today, in a breathtaking display of their lack of courage, decided not to investigate further the citizenship status of President-Elect Barack Hussein Al Sauder Obama. A spokesman for the court said that the “issue is behind us now, although it may remain before you for some time. Have you had your property siezed yet?”

The refusal to even examine the case in a cursory manner has given rise to all sorts of petitions, protests, whispering campaigns, and secret handshake organizations across the nation and in some parts of Greenland, as well, where it is rumored that Danish rule is about to come to a skittering halt.

Leo C. Donofrio, the plaintiff of the case that was rejected today, called the dismissal of the matter: “A brilliant blueprint for judicial action: one part indecision, two parts lemon curd.”

The issue may not be totally out of the limelight, however, as many other similar suits have been filed around the country (Greenland, thusfar, is suit-free in this matter).

“One way or another, we’re going to get to the bottom of this,” said James Frittelli, a spokesdude for the Americans for Americans for President of America Only PAC (AFAFPAO PAC). “If this guy’s hiding something, we’re going to find it!”

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Members of an overly-funded research group calling itself the Community Outreach Prognostication Society for Improved Morality and Progress (COMSIMP) today announced that, despite the findings of thousands of years of human culture, murder and robbing were “not so bad”.

“The Ten Commandments, as well as other outdated moralistic documents are overstating their case,” said Allen Flansburger, lead poobah of COMSIMP. “You can add to that the outdated values of Hammurabi’s Laws, the Torah, the Koran, and just plain old common sense. Who really needs these old ideas anymore?”

Indeed, the investigation was sparked by the recent burglary of COMSIMP’s research complex–a double-wide trailer on the outskirts of nearby Aurora, Illinois, and the poisoning of the group’s toy poodle “watchdog”, Manchukuo. Friends of the seven-man research team noted that they became decidedly detatched from their surroundings, losing their appetite and will to watch re-runs of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” on TV. Their collective despair reached new heights when authorities failed to look into the case.

“Whoever took my stapler, please return it!” wailed Flansburger. “I want my mommy!”

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – New York State Democratic Party officials have indicated Caroline Kennedy, one of the many rapidly-aging hordes of the Kennedy clan, has expressed interest in Hillary Clinton’s seat.

“Let’s face it,” said Kennedy. “Hillary’s got a classy chassis and a suitable bumper. Those pant suits really make me… oh, wait! I’d like to be appointed to the Senate, please, Mr. Governor.”

POLITICAL WATCHER TIP: For those who have trouble identifying Ms. Kennedy, she looks a lot like Ted, but has smaller breasts.

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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – The residents of a Roxbury brownstone were alarmed this morning when they discovered a loaded rhetorical device in their building. Apparently, Simon Wiggins, a struggling novelist that lives in the complex, had wandered away from his word processor, leaving unattended the explosive phraseology he had written. Authorities from the Greater Boston Word Diffusion Squad (GBWDS) were called in to handle the situation.

“Thank God I had that number on my fridge,” said Mary Jankins, Wiggins’ next-door neighbor, who put in the call to the GBWDS. “Who knows what might have happened if that sentence had exploded.”

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CHINO, CALIFORNIA – Rosco, a drug-sniffing dog with the Chino Police Department (CPD), is one of many narcotics-addicted canines to enter a new rehabilitation program called Dogs Lick the Habit. Their partners, usually drug-sniffing policemen, have admitted that their K-9 companions might have a problem and should seek immediate help.

“We depend on these dogs to find the drugs, not get addicted to them,” said patrolman Manny Sanchez of the CPD. “Rosco, my partner, would just sit there and trip for hours after every bust. It was getting pretty annoying.”

Other dogs in the department are scheduled to undergo thorough urinalysis and comprehensive drug testing before being admitted to Dogs Lick the Habit (failure) or to active duty (pass). Some on the force claim that such testing is an invasion of the dogs’ privacy, but the Police Chief has remained resolute on the issue, saying if he had to get dressed in front of his wife every day then dogs could stand a little drug testing.

“These dogs are very valuable to the community,” said Rosalita Jimenez, a local resident. “When they find drugs by sniffing, they have a high risk of becoming junkie pups. That doesn’t do anybody any good, really, but the dogs seem to enjoy it.”

If you are partnered up with a drug-addicted dog and currently work for the CPD, please contact your lieutenant or captain immediately.

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