Junk Panic!

NEW YORK, NY – Media tycoon and multi-gazillionaire, Rupert Murdoch, paused in front of media cameras today to lament the shape of the U.S. economy and to confirm rumors that he had, indeed, lost about $3.00 due to the nation’s fiscal woes.

“That’s almost a latte at Starbuck’s,” said Murdoch. “I had just gotten my mind set on enjoying a nice mocha when all this recession stuff kicked in. Now, I have to settle for Folger’s! Something must be done and must be done quickly! That’s why I endorse the stimulus bill. Once it passes, impoverished Americans like me will be able to afford a nice coffee drink again. After all, if you can’t enjoy a nice coffee on your yacht, what point is there in living?”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Shrieker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, boldly declared today that she is totally unbiased and non-partisan. Wearing her trademark, hand-made hijab, she railed against the Great Satan and “all those ignorant right-wing, Christian infidels of the West” who dared question her patriotism and impartiality on the Hill.

“These defamatory comments about me being biased are a load of rotten garbanzos,” she snarled, waving a red flag over her head. “This is America! If I want to wear my ‘I love Putin’ button and my autographed Fidel Castro boxer shorts, I have every right to do so. Haven’t you heard of free speech? Once we get that Fairness Doctrine passed, maybe you’ll have to listen to what I have to say for a change! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a check from CAIR I need to cash.”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Much news is being made these days on Capitol Hill, but the latest initiative of the Democrat-controlled Congress and Senate have left political observers scratching their head.

According to House Shrieker Nancy Pelosi, the population of the United States is too large, which increases costs for everyone. Higher costs are bad, since folks can afford fewer things with their inflated-well-beyond-the-limits-of-sanity dollars. This, in turn, will slow the economy further, prompting more government spending and the creation of trillions more worthless dollars, and so on–an economic “death spiral”, if you will. We here at JP! would readily concur that death spirals are not to be trifled with, so we turn to our witless leaders for the solution…

Ever the keen observer of economic trends, Nancy Pelosi has struck upon a plan: limit the number of children and the population will go down. This, in turn, will reduce the cost of goods since fewer people will be buying things and requiring public funds, thereby eliminating the need for endlessly-increasing supplies of funny money, saving the economy!

When pressed about the details of the plan, Granny Pelosi muttered “[U.S. Rep. Henry] Waxman and I, along with several key Congresscritters and unattractive celebrities, will try to frighten children into not being born. One look at our pussers should drive any sane person absolutely around the bend, effectively ending their will to live. Since we have a lot of ugly people in this country, we should tap our valubale human resources to provide a brighter future for our old age. See? Problem solved!”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Michelle Obama (pictured on the left in the photo) made news of her own as she confidently strutted about the proceedings wearing what can only be described as a very pricey cantaloupe costume. Showing solidarity with melon growers from around the world, Michelle glammed it up in front of throngs of drooling, sycophantic members of the press, delcaring “For the first time in my adult life, I’m proud to dress up like a melon! Melon growers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your sanity!”

Other interesting topics of conversation among the pressed corpse (sic) included a vast array of hard-news topics, such as the First Lady’s emergent cankles, the type of hairspray she uses, her favorite lobster dishes (a blue collar favorite), her views on the Catholic church viz-a-viz the Mormon chuch viz-a-viz the Muslim and Jewish faiths, Barack’s smoking problem, and her favorite songs to cuddle to. Incidentally, the dress cost $1,500.00 and was probably worth every penny.

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According to a recent email we received here at JP! HQ, our site could not be reviewed or evaluated by an esteemed site. The top reason why not? Our humble blog was deemed to be a fake. That’s right. The words you are reading now are not real, but are generated by hordes of Asian sweatshop workers, each typing a keyword at random from an Mandarin-English dictionary. Caveat lector.

Anyway, we seemed real enough to ourselves at the time we applied for the evaluation. Now, we find we’ve joined the ranks of other famous fakes, including: toupees, dentures, Milli Vanilli, Al Franken, and the entire profession of breast implant surgeons.

Go figure. Anyway, for more unreal takes on the news, stay tuned to JunkPanic! We promise to keep it real, no matter what anyone else says….

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FEDERATION HEADQUARTERS – Today, after a long and expensive phone call to Federation Starfleet Headquarters, it was confirmed that the ever-increasing costs of goods had made it even to the furthest reaches of space. Infamous borg-ette, Seven of Nine, has had to change its name to Eleven of Nine in order to combat the ever-declining value of numbers in general. We will keep you posted.

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WASHINGTON, DC – In case you missed it, Barack Hussein Obama is the President of the United States (POTUS) now. We at JunkPanic! understand that you are probably very busy and have not even heard that there was an election a couple of months back, but there was. And guess what? Barack Hussein Obama won it! Isn’t that great?

We’ve included a picture here for you so that you will recognize the new POTUS when you see him on TV, postage stamps, posters, books, CD covers, cartoons, tattoos, and Mt. Rushmore. He is black, by the way, but you could probably ascertain that from the photo. What’s really tricky is that he’s only HALF-black, but let’s not overly-complicate matters, shall we?

That’s right, kids! America has just sworn in a (half) black man as our Commander-in-Chief. He is the FIRST Halfrican American to assume such a high position in the history of humankind. Isn’t that great? If this comes as a bit of a shock to you, it should. It seems the 24/7 all-out media butt-kissing of this man can only go so far in informing the nation of his wondrous and miraculous ascent to power. And who says billionaires can’t back a winner? But we digress.

Anyway, his name again, in case you missed it, is Barack Hussein Obama. It’s probably going to be mentioned a few times here and there and we’d like you to familiarize yourself with it, as he will probably be on the forthcoming $3.00 bills that the Fed is printing up. It would be embarrassing, to say the least, to pull out one of the newly-minted bills and exclaim: “Who the Hell is that?” Can we say ‘faux pas’?

It would be poor form to brand oneself as an ignorant boob in this manner, so we–your loving friends at JP! HQ–are providing you with the tools you need to avoid such an uncomfortable social blunder.

Here are just SOME of the amazing things that will happen now that President BHO is in charge:

• No one will ever get sick again.
• Everyone will love America instead of trying to blow it up.
• Israel will finally live in peace with its murderous neighbors.
• Every American will have three gourmet meals a day prepared by their own personal chef.
• There will be more money for everyone!
• American citizens will be issued shiny plastic Social Security Cards with colorful cartoon characters on them.
• The grass everywhere will be greener, smell better, and not induce allergic reactions. Places without grass will suddenly have grass.
• Mexicans will all be treated like regular American citizens–even if they’re not.
• People will throw away their guns and hug each other.
• Crime will plummet.
• The sky will be blue, the water will be clean, the man-eating predators will eat salad.
• No one will ever be sad again–even at funerals.
• Republicans will admit that Democrats had it right all along–oh, wait! That happened during the Bush Administration.
• People will be free to abort as many children as they can. Those that abort the most will receive fabulous prizes and cash incentives.
• Canada will suddenly seem more free.
• Dogs and cats will live together in harmony.
• All music–no matter how bad–will sound like Grand Opera.
• The dollar will stay strong, no matter what the fundamentals are.
• People will lovingly think of the Carter years as the “Good Ole Days”.
• And much, much more!

Once again, Barack Hussein Obama has been sworn in as the 44th POTUS. Let the good times roll!

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BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA – The latest video released by the enigmatic Islamic terrorist, Osama bin Laden, issues the usual anti-Israel rhetoric, calling for a new jihad (when did the last one end?) on the tiny Jewish nation. However, this new offering from bin Laden’s production company, Al Dialysis, features something different: twenty minutes of the lanky villain sweatin’ to the oldies.

While deemed by some to be controversial, the sight of the terrorist mastermind gettin’ down to the likes of Buddy Holly, Danny and Juniors, The Kinks, and others from the Golden Age of Rock has been seen by some in the West as an attempt to reach out to infidels everywhere.

“This is a really good sign from bin Laden,” said Annie Schmeckelmann of the Judeo-Islamic Outreach Center in Santa Barbara. “His selection of tunes is not only refreshing, but also provides us with subtle clues as to Osama’s willingness to re-brand psychotic mass killings in the name of religion into something more family-friendly here in the West. Not only are his anti-Jewish tirades more coherent and eloquently presented, but his emphasis on physical fitness is a message we can all get behind. After all, if you don’t have your health, what have you got?”

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WASHINGTON – As the new 111th Congress of the United States creaks into action, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid took time to candidly admit his IQ is not all it’s cracked up to be.

“Folks shouldn’t expect too much from me,” said Reid in a heart-to-heart chat over warm cocoa. “Even though I’m rich from all my crooked Southwest land deals, I’m really a man of limited means when it comes to intelligence. I mean, my IQ score barely rises above room temperature in a very cold room. I know folks are expecting us to ride in and save America, but you really have to wonder how with folks like me in charge.”

Following Reid’s lengthy and self-deprecatory statement, he slipped his large, Byzantine feet from his pink bunny slippers and wiggled his toes, chuckling gently to himself.

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Cozho munga, rimpo cha. Shi nacht azimi luufa. Horzh maracht a’ prohja lam. Skuzitta fara, rimpo cha naranga falla. Shebout kalam felur, zhaji alla ru’um-sa. Gnothara schlee, im po nua, hazha falafa heesh eeting. Qiqi felm a’ zhuuta sham — mit gherlicht ansh chiez. R-U?

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