Junk Panic!

LONDON, ENGLAND – Synth-pop legends Depeche Mode admitted in a candid interview with SPIN Magazine this month that their sound has become “a bit gloomy” on recent records. What’s to blame? Apparently, Wheat Thins. Singer David Gahan and lead songwriter Martin Gore have been on an almost non-stop snack cracker eating binge since the release of their top-selling album “Violator”.

“What can I say?” said Gahan, smearing cheese spread on a stack of wheaty snack biscuits. “These are just so marvelous! Besides, who can refuse all that whole grain goodness?”

Martin Gore, who is usually mute during band interviews, was again for this one.

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It’s Valentine’s Day again and men all over the country are scrambling to find the perfect gift for that “special someone” in their lives. Sappy cards, heart-shaped boxes of candies, and teddy bears are the classics this time of year, but what if your sweetie wants something extra special?

We at JunkPanic! feel your pain and frustration. Let us humbly suggest a sea urchin. These majestic creatures of the Earth’s oceans make wonderful house pets and are available in a staggering array of colors–maybe even her favorite color! Besides, they are smallish, don’t eat much, and are generally quiet except during mating season, when they tend to screech uncontrollably for hours on end. However, since that won’t happen until November or so, you will be able to enjoy many months of silent companionship from the urchin.

So, guys: get a sea urchin today for your love. She’ll be speechless!

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LOS ALAMOS, NM – According to a recent study conducted by a team of crack scientists and one chimpanzee at a research facility in the high deserts of New Mexico, people who suffer from tunnel vision may actually out-perform their more alert counterparts in a real-life tunnel.

“You see, tunnel vision sufferers aren’t distracted by the irrelevancies of the inescapable tunnel walls,” said Dr. Hugh McGriff, senior research fellow at the Institute for Tunnel-Vision Research and Nuclear Secrets. “Those people in our study who are more aware of their surroundings tended to do poorly, as they took inordinate amounts of time taking in their environs whereas the tunnel-visioned people marched straight on out into the daylight.”

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WASHINGTON, DC – Former Senator and Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Daschle, in a desperate attempt to prove that not everyone from the Dakotas is sane, stated today that he was “deeply embarrassed” by his failure to pay over $120,000 in back taxes to the IRS.

In response to urgings from President B. Hussein Obama, Daschle said he was prepared to present an offer in compromise to the Internal Revenue Service: his feelings.

“I have a wealth of embarrassment right now over this whole ordeal,” said Daschle during a recent press conference. “So much so that I am willing to contribute my feelings of public humiliation to the effort of funding the upcoming government pork package–I mean stimulus bill. After all, we liberals are all about feelings. Time to start putting our emotions where our mouths are.”

Indeed, shortly after the announcement, other prominent citizens stepped forward to offer their emotional support in lieu of cold, hard cash, in an effort to balance the nation’s budget.

Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner said he was “saddened” by his lack of contribution to the nation’s tax revenues and that his giant, sorrowful tears would be donated in order to repair roads in upstate New York. Al Franken said that his vitriol and hatred for the American way of life could be used as a replacement for the taxes he refused to pay in recent years.

If the emotional contributions of left-leaning politicians who refuse to pay their fair share in taxes program does well in test applications, the Department of the Treasury says they may roll the program out nation-wide to enable make-work laborers and bureaucrats in all fifty-seven states to emote the federal government out the hole.

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