Junk Panic!

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In a seemingly random event that sent New Yorkers into a panic today, Air Force One flew low over the site of the World Trade Center (aka “Ground Zero”), followed closely by an F-14 fighter jet or two. Frightened workers in Manhattan fled their office buildings in utter terror, fearing another attack by swarthy practitioners of the religion of peace, but this was not the case.

Certain crackpots and conspiracy theorists then developed the notion that Barack Hussein Obama himself was to blame for the ill-conceived menacing of the good people of New York, but the White House Spokesmunchkin Robert “Bobbadobby” Gibbs denied that anyone in the current administration had anything to do with the event.

“This was clearly a machination of Karl Rove and right-wing extremist elements in our society,” said Gibbs. “The President’s plane was commandeered by none other than former President George W. Bush.”

Indeed, several eye-witnesses to the Kennedy assassination stepped forward to provide their “single pilot” theory, wherein Dubya overpowered the hangar guards and flew the modified 747 solo over New York City, cackling to himself and screaming “Remember this, you big city losers? Get ready for more of it!”

The FAA, however, maintains that the Obama Administration ordered the flight and manipulated Bush into stealing the plane for “one last joyride along the eastern seaboard”. An investigation is underway to get the full details

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HOUSTON, TEXAS – The World Health Organization (WHO) today announced that there was a very good likelihood that the various swine flu outbreaks in Mexico and in some other, less important countries, could reach what they like to call “pandemic” status by early next week, according to Missy Harrington, a press correspondent for the disease monitoring group.

“What we mean by ‘pandemic’ is this: pretty much everyone will get this illness and it will kill them,” said Harrington, puffing on her roach clip. “I wish the people that are catching and spreading this disease had asked themselves whether or not it was good for the children.”

Other overly-important and highly-paid government agencies, like the United Nations Council Against Sickness and Boo-Boos and the Center for Disease Control also chimed in with their assessments.

“It looks pretty grim,” said Dr. Hope Enchange, epidemiologist at the CDC’s Center for Tracking Spooky Bugs. “I would be very surprised if there’s any human beings alive by July, 2009. In the mean time, can I tell you about a time share opportunity?”

The Office of the Barack Obama Elect weighed in with their analysis, as well, claiming that the poor and underprivileged were more likely to contract swine flu, whereas upper-class and wealthy people would get “porcine influenza”, a much more refined and well-groomed strain of the virus.

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WASHINGTON, DC – According to a recent study conducted by the Omega Mu Institute (OMI), a national political and aesthetics think tank, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is not a very attractive woman. Indeed, certain highly-placed officials at OMI stated in no uncertain terms that “Madam Secretary would be ugly if she were a man”, while others speculated as to whether or not Napolitano was, indeed, male. No requests for verification have been filed by the organization at this time, however.

This controversial report follows on the heels of their February study that concluded Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Secretary of State, was also rather unattractive–especially to men. However, she was selected as the cover girl and center fold for three different issues of DogFancy Magazine, a point of pride in the Clinton home.

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WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – This year, as with every year since around 1900 or so, several dozens of true believers set out on a religious pilgrimmage to visit the fabled burial site of the original Easter Bunny(tm). These purists still cling to the idealistic notion that rabbits laying colored eggs in plastic patches of grass and/or handbaskets is the TRUE meaning of the holiday, despite being ridiculed as “slobbering idiots” by the thinking public.

“This is more than just superstition, this is the real deal,” said Johnny Martin Al Hajj, a man who has undertaken the grueling trek at least three times before this year. “Some people scoff at the notion that a rabbit can lay eggs, but we’ll see who’s laughing when Judgment Day rolls around!”

Others, embarking on their first religous trek, were excited about seeing “the place where it all happened”, a little strip mall just outside of town.

“This is going to be great!” said Pam Kilpatrick, a resident of nearby Wilkes-Barre, PA. “The kids will love seeing where the beloved Rabbit of Spring was laid to rest back in 1905. I know there are a lot of other people in rabbit suits out there claiming to be the real thing, but my family and I will accept no substitutes. It’s off the Bunny Shrine for us!”

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(2009-04-08) — The White House today again denied that President Barack Obama had submissively bowed last week to Saudi King Abdullah, updating the official version of events to portray it as a “torso flexing move designed to administer a friendly head butt to the Muslim monarch — an amped-up version of the fist-bump he often shares with the First Lady.” “President Obama, as everyone knows, is a man’s man, and he just wanted to establish who’s the alpha male in the pack,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. “He naturally expected the King to return the head butt, and was surprised to receive just a mild handshake.” Yesterday, the White House said the president didn’t bow, but merely stooped to make eye contact with the diminutive Arab dictator. As the video demonstrates, Mr. Obama apparently also wanted to display the crown of his head to the King, and perhaps to examine the hem of the King’s robe up close.

SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN – It looks like this year proved to be the ultimate April Fool’s joke on the human race, as the calendar unexpectedly jumped to April 2. When people went to bed on March 31st, fully expecting to execute their April Fool’s pranks the next day, they were shocked to discover that the day itself had pulled the ultimate shennanigan: it disappeared from the calendar, forwarding all of humanity straight on to April 2nd.

“It’s like the universe is messing with us or something,” said Sherry O’Hurlihanihee, a Sheboygan resident and mother of thirteen. “I was going to disappoint my kids with an elaborately-crafted practical joke, but I guess the joke’s on me instead. Thanks, cosmic forces! I needed that!”

In response to the sudden temporal flux, calendar makers have been sent scrambling.

“We really don’t know what to make of this,” said Barry Timmons, a long-time calendar-maker from Madison. “I guess we will tentatively put it on the list of days for 2010, but you never know. You think you can count on every day of the year, but it seems that’s not really the case anymore. Thanks, April 1. We needed a little shake-up!”

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