Junk Panic!

LONDON, ENGLAND – Prime Minister and Labour Party leader, Gordon Brown, has recently undergone a complete cosmetic makeover in preparation for his big showbusiness debut. As his political fortunes have slipped amid rampant scandals and other unpleasantries politicians create for themselves, it seems Mr. Brown has come to the attention of a variety of talent scouts who were desperately searching for a replacement for Simon Cowell on “Britain’s Got Talent!” and “American Idol”.

“We were looking for a white male, curmudgeonly, with bad hair and an even worse attitude to replace our dearly beloved Simon,” said an anonymous producer of the international talent shows. “It looks as if Gordon will be leaving public office soon and he would be an ideal replacement. Now, if we could only get that vote of no confidence going, we could have Mr. Brown prepped and ready by the beginning of next season!”

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10) Diet Scrubbing Bubbles

09) Damascus Rat

08) Bacon-Liver-Tuna*

07) Mystery Berry

06) Battery Acid

05) Vinegar

04) Yellow Sputum

03) Axle Grease Surprise

02) Toenail Blast

01) Lenin’s Spleen

* A favorite with cats

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TEHRAN, IRAN – Millions of practitioners of the Religion of Peace ™ poured forth from their hovels this week to “get in tune” with dispatches from the great beyond. Donning foil hats, holding hands, and swaying back and forth to the rhythmic bleatings of their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, these devout throngs listened intently for some word from their much-anticipated messiah, the 13th Imam.  Note: it would have been the 12th Imam, except the French demonstrated that the math was wrong, much as they did with the turn of the century beginning at the END of 2000 instead of the beginning. Meh.

“This is very exciting!” said Faizal Rehmani, cupping his hands and bending low near the earth. “It is not everyday that we get to fashion hats out of this versatile ‘tin foil’ and get in tune with the mystical vibes of the universe, you know? We’re all pretty jazzed. Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the ceremony “hokey” and “a cheap rip-off of his 49th birthday bash”, which was held on October 21 last year.

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HAVANA, CUBA – Today, Cuban scientists were proud to announce that they have invented something that will make life in the Communist dictatorship a little more pleasant for those forced to live there: flavored jackboots. At the behest of acting dictator, Raul Castro, these modern marvels of military footwear were created after a year of intensive research and development and are now available in a staggering array of yummy fruit flavors.

“These new tasty boots will make the people of Cuba happier,” said Raul Castro, speaking to us through a Polish language interpreter. “In the past, when we made the glorious people of our proud nation grovel and engage in copious boot-licking, they would only taste mud and leather and the saliva of the last person who licked the boots. Sometimes blood and dog poop, too, but I digress. Now, they will still get those ‘classic tastes’, but they will also get a fruity blast of Green Apple, Ripplin’ Razzberry, Boss Blueberry, Mighty Mango, Peppy Papaya, or any number of our other delicious flavor creations. In other, less-compassionate Communist and socialist dictatorships around the world, they have not taken these extra steps to make the people feel better about their civic boot-licking duties. What more proof do you need to see that Cuba rules! Eat our dust, Chavez!”

Not to be outdone, Russian and North Korean scientists are busy working on their own, proprietary flavored footwear that they hope to implement before the people rise up and depose them. Until such time, they will be importing the Castro brother’s boots from Cuba in hopes of curbing any potential political unrest.

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SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – Yesterday, U.S. Customs finally apprehended the notorious “Pants Smuggler” as he tried to cross the border into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. He was caught with a number of exotic Asian songbirds in his pants, which automatically landed him in hot water with the American authorities, whose regulations specifically state that birds are to be smuggled in handbags or shipping containers only. He is currently being held without bail in a San Diego detention facility.

“We’ve been looking for this guy for some while now,” said Lt. Alfonso Carrera of the San Diego Police Department. “Over the past several months, he’s smuggled lots of stuff into our country just using his pants, like chorizo, drugs, children’s toys, machine guns, bags of Mexican money (don’t ask), rebar, pre-formed in-ground swimming pools, mountain lions, you name it. It’s really pretty amazing what all you can cram down your pants these days… Wait! That didn’t come out right.”

The trial date for the infamous “Pants Smuggler” has not yet been set and, although the authorities are pleased he is finally in custody, they are still on the lookout for copycats.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, feeling a bit tired and hungry from their constant agit-prop campagin to overthrow the United States Constitution, President and Exalted Leader of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, and forgettable laughing stock, Vice-President Joe Biden, decided to head down to a local burger joint and have lunch–without preconditions.

“I promised in my campaign that I would go to any length to reach across the table to those less intelligent than myself,” said Obama. “Admittedly, that’s a pretty short list, but it’s hard to be dumber than Joe here. Besides. Joe is tiny. He can’t possibly hurt me and poses no imminent danger to the illegal immigrant workstaff here at Ray’s.”

Biden agreed enthusiastically. “Pretty soon, the tax hikes will be in place and everyone will wonder why we took so much time eating lunch instead of fixing our nation’s economy. But that’s just mindless rhetoric spewed by a few extreme right-wing people who should all be rounded up and killed anyway. Pass the ketchup, Barry.”

The photo-op-laden visit to the appropriately-named Ray’s Hell Burger was replete with image-over-substance displays while the two most powerful men in the world chowed down on greasy food. Throngs of swooning sycophants gathered around the establishment, just hoping to get a glimpse of Joe Biden’s hair plugs and perhaps even spot the country’s first Red president.

“This is the dawning of a new era for Joe and myself, an opportunity for people of different IQs to come together and work for peace. This luncheon shows that he and I are willing to go the limit to secure that peace, even if it means trying to seem like the rest of you normal working slobs,” said the president, reading from his ever-present teleprompter. He then lit up a cigarette and continued his meal, reading from his well-loved and dog-eared copy of Das Kapital.

“I’m very disappointed that the president is eating meat,” said one fawning onlooker, proudly wearing a PETA t-shirt. “I guess he isn’t one of us at all. Does he really think we’re going to be fooled by seeing him read Karl Marx in public when he so brazenly consumes the flesh of dead animals? What a sham!”

Others were more enthusiastic, citing the experience showed Obama wasn’t elitist and could really get down and identify with the common man (apparently, they lacked the analytical ability to see the inherent presupposition of elitism in their statements, but we digress).

“See!” said one excited man, recently laid off from his automobile manufacturing job, “Barack is just like us! He eats $6.95 hamburgers with grease and everything!”

“This is cost-saving measure,” said Obama, wolfing down some of Ray’s famous cheesy fries. “I heard about this place from [former President] Clinton. He loved the fries here and I must say, he’s got good taste in food! This reminds me of that stuff that Jeremiah Wright’s wife used to make during our cook-outs in Chicago…. Oh, wait. Nevermind. Pass the salt, Joe.”

The total tab for the outing? About $20.00, excluding the thousands of dollars for the Secret Service and motorcade personnel. Quite a deal!

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MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – Fresh off their swine flu pandemic scare, Mexico has tossed away the surgical masks, opened up the bars, and are preparing to celebrate their Independence Day tomorrow, with hopes that the world will see how normal they are and resume travel to the many tourist hotspots in the beleaguered nation. They do have one request this year, however: the President of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, has issued an empassioned plea to other nations, especially the USA, to keep the drunken revelry to a minimum.

“Look, if you’re going to be a drunken slob this Cinco de Mayo, please don’t claim you’re Mexican! If you insist on claiming to be Mexican, please tone it down a bit, OK?”

While this may seem a little odd to those who use the holiday as a cheap excuse to go out and get hammered, it seems that Mexico has been trying hard to distance itself from its previously well-earned image of a nation of drunken, brawling hooligans. They’d like to be considered as a people of great cultural importance–a group of peaceful mariachis, waiters, and drug lords.

So, please, as you put on your Meixcan flag-colored outfits and stride confidently down to your local watering hole in search of the perfect margarita and enchilada specials, remember these following tips from the Mexican Board of Responsible Drinking:

1) If you are a raging fool, three sheets to the wind, you may not claim Mexican ancestry, even if your last name is Herrera, Gonzalez, or Banderas.
2) You may not kiss random people and claim this is an exclusively Mexican form of behavior. The Swiss still do it, too.
3) If you should get into a brawl and win, Mexico might claim you under certain stipulations.
4) If you should get into a brawl and lose, you will be forever considered a reject and forbidden to enter Mexico even on vacation with a stack of hundred dollar bills.
5) If you are attracted to the bouncer at your local pub, you’ve probably had enough.

So, this May the Fifth, it’s okay to shout “Viva Mexico!” (pronounced “MEH-hee-ko”) loudly and often–but keep in mind that nobody likes a bleary-eyed, stinky, drunken gringo, m’kay?

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WASHINGTON, DC – Former Republican, now Democrat Senator Arlen “Don’t Call Me Phil” Specter has issued a statement today, saying the late Jack Kemp (a Republican icon and vice-presidential nominee) died because of his adherence to the party’s conservative platform. Indeed, the muddle-headed legislator continued to intimate that taking any particular position for very long could lead to an outbreak of similar proportions to the much-touted swine flu “pandemic”.

“Jack held tightly to the basically middle-of-the-road views espoused by the higher-ups in the Republican Party and look where that got him–dead!” Specter said in a recent interview with the Benedict Arnold Digest. “You need proof? Look at me! I’m basically a wet my finger and stick it in the wind kinda guy, willing to do or say anything–including jump parties in mid-term–and I’m still alive. You’ll never catch me adhering to any sort of coherent political philosophy, no siree Bob. That stuff will get you killed.”

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) are looking into the possibility of the Platform Adherence Death Syndrome (PADS), as it has come to be called, spreading to other countries around the world. The WHO said that the malady is currently rated a “2″ on their home-brewed Pandemic-O-Meter and that further money would be needed to help them decide whether or not it was a viable threat to other policitians in the US and abroad.

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