hossvarad | 
06 30th, 2009| 
JAKARTA, INDONESIA – Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today from the capitol city of Indonesia that she has found a potential resolution to the War on Terror: hugging. Before the flashing bulbs of the photographers’ cameras, she confided in the Indonesian press that the American government had been too cold and distant over the past eight years, failing to take sufficient time to get to know “all the little angry brown people of the world”.
“So I am here today in Indonesia for two reasons. First, Barack doesn’t trust me farther than he can throw me, so he’s got me touring every festering, third-world hell-hole outside the United States that he’s ever lived in. Second, I bring a message of hope, change, peace, and several other touchy-feely buzzwords,” said Secretary Clinton, blotting a tear from the corner of her eye with her hijab. “Maybe if we all would just hug each other instead of shooting at each other, we could all be friends and sing campfire songs together. You know, like back in the good old days when I was–I mean, BILL, was President of United States. Wouldn’t that be neat?”
Then, she proceeded to hug everyone in the audience, brandishing a fakey smile that clearly revealed she’d been hitting the falafel pretty hard between brushings. Hillary is scheduled to be in Mombasa, Kenya, next week for the unveiling of the Barack Hussein Obama birthplace memorial plaque.
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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Despite news media claims to the contrary, we have just learned that Michael Jackson did NOT die today, as has been widely reported. Rather, our sources indicate that he was beamed up to a passing UFO, operated by numerous grays, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hoffa, Anna-Nicole Smith, and the bones of the Elephant Man. A small group of Mr. Jackson’s close friends, family, and legal advisory team were present to wish the King of Pop a fond farewell.
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA – Mr. Ralph Munkowitz of central Florida won an all-expenses paid trip to Tampa this week after successfully winning the Boca Raton Area Dead Pool. The winning pick? The death of South African philosopher, Errol Eustace Harris, who died at the ripe old age of 101 of apparently natural causes.
MANHATTAN, KANSAS – A new group, called the Redundant Researchers Study Group for Modern Research, has concluded that three out of four Americans comprise 75% of the population. This controversial study has turned some heads in the academic community and has led to howls of protests from the remaining 25% of the population, who cite feeling “excluded” from the study’s results. Other studies scheduled to be studied by the studious study group include: “Why vanilla tastes like vanilla”, “How hot is hot?”, and “Three sides are more than two”. While the group’s findings are controversial to some and howlingly dull to others, they have managed to secure a grant from the U.S. government to continue their studies in perpetuity.
HOUSTON, TX – Today, a group of highly-paid government scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Association (NASA) calculated that things in our universe may, indeed, be a whole lot worse than previously thought. According to calculations, the planet Earth will collide with Mercury (or possibly Venus or even Planet X), thus ending all life as we know it–in a few billion years. While some may not be too concerned about this calamitous eventuality today, people are nevertheless being urged to take precautions now in order to avoid severe personal or property damage when the planets (eventually) clunk into each other.
WASHINGTON, DC – In an unforeseen move that has sent many of her critics racing for a response, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has broken her own ankle. The move, heralded as an unprecedented show of empathy for the nation’s disabled, is just one more in a long line of minority qualifications held by the aspiring judge. President Barack Obama commented on the event, saying now the frumpy adjudicator was able to empathize with more people than ever before.
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