Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unexpected reversal, the United States Congress today has suspended its “Cash for Clunkers” program, citing a number of reasons ranging from imminent UFO attack to “there’s just too many clunkers and not enough cash”. One Beltway insider stated that many of the Congresscritters were growing dismayed by the sheer number of ugly vehicles being turned in for cash toward even more ugly vehicles.

“It’s appalling, really,” said Democrat Steny Hoyer. “These people really don’t know how to care for their vehicles and it shows.”

Others on the Hill chimed in, claiming that the older cars were taking up too much space along the capitol city’s roadways and were cluttering up the lawns around Bethesda and Chevy Chase.

“I really don’t know what we were thinking,” said Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA). “These things are atrocious. Apparently, those idiot rednecks in flyover country had been secretly hoarding clunkers to take advantage of us! Now, we’re running out of cash to pay people for these things!”

While not canceled per se, the Cash for Clunkers program is on indefinite suspension and was forced to turn in its gun and badge.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Congress announced today with much fanfare their new, drastic cost-saving measures in a desperate public relations bid to show how they’re really tight on spending. The report touts the reduction of the federal budget by an estimated $100 million for the year.

“See, we’re really as fiscally conservative as the people,” said Nancy Pelosi, trying hard to conceal a blush behind her botox-ridden face. “This measure is a significant savings to the taxpayer, we think, and should serve to show those skeptics out there that we’re really tightening the belts here in the Beltway.”

Critics of the government’s recent rash of out-of-control spending are encouraged by the window-dressing but feel that the measure may not go far enough.

“When you consider that Washington is trying to sign us up for over $10 trillion in new debt, plus another potential $1-2 trillion for a new commie health care system, the total reduction in the federal deficit comes to a whopping 1/10,000th of a percent at best. Still, it’s a nice gesture to placate the acerebral citizens that still watch the news,” said Arthur Brombie, a noted philosopher from Two Guns, Arizona. “Who knows? This may snowball into a widespread movement in Washington and we might realize a savings of an entire percent in the next twenty years.”

To celebrate their new-found financial responsibility, the Congressional leadership threw an elaborate parade and commissioned rock supergroup U2 to compose a special new song for the occasion at a total cost of $250 million.

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA – Due to the recovering economy which President Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetoro has recently hailed as “getting much better, really, it is”, Arizona legislators have taken a break from swatting scorpions to consider divesting the state’s property to raise funds.

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CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following an altercation with the local police this week during which he was arrested, distinguished Harvard University professor, Henry Louis Gates, Jr., said that he had no hard feelings about the incident nor the arresting officer, Sgt. James Crowley, and hopes that everyone can just get on with their lives following an unfortunate misunderstanding.

“That dumb cracker is okay in my book,” said the enigmatically-entitled “Doctor” Gates. “Just because he’s representing the oppressive white state keeping a poor black man down doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. In fact, my comrade, President Obama, has invited both myself and this ignorant Irish hick for drinks at the White House. Once they found out that my screaming and yelling at them was just me expressing my pent-up frustrations with being a highly-privileged pseudo-intellectual, would-be Marxist type, all charges were dropped and the Man had to let me go free. Stupid racist honkies everywhere should know that I’m not a racist, either. Thanks.”

Dr. Gates has been contacted by several publishers for his unbiased recollection of the events at his home.

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WASHINGTON, DC – The United States government today announced the fat tubs of lard around the nation will need to cough up the extra dough needed to raise about $11 trillion to keep the federal system afloat for a couple more weeks. Fat folks have come under increasing fire lately and are currently in the crosshairs of a new initiative to tax people’s food.

“Cigarettes are bad for your health, so is being too fat,” said noted political commentator and auteur, Michael Moore, alternately taking bites of his double bacon cheeseburger and puffing on a Marlboro Light. “So why not tax fat people’s food? That would raise a lot of revenue for vital social programs, since people gotta eat, right?”

Nancy Pelosi concurred with Moore’s sentiment, taking a pause from rubbing his back to add her perspective: “Dumb fat people eat too much. That’s why they’re fat. They should not be fat. We want to help them not be fat. We must raise taxes on their food. That is all there is to it. If they pay more, they will eat less. If they eat less, they will lose weight and stuff. If they lose weight by eating less, they will buy less food. If they buy less food, our tax revenues will decline. If our tax revenues decline, we will need to raise taxes on skinnier people. Someone has to pay for my botox and jet plane rides.”

So there you have it, folks. Straight from the horse’s mouth. Stop eating now and pay less later.

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WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprise turn of events, it appears as though many legislators were unaware of the fact that Barack Hussein Obama won the 2008 presidential election. However, this fact is not lost on Barack Hussein Obama, who takes every opportunity to make sure people understand that he is, indeed, the President of the United States (POTUS). Not convinced? Consider the following true-to-life scenario:

Let’s suppose a former legislator with five minutes experience in the United States’ Senate is suddenly and inexplicably elected to the highest office in the land by virtue of hype alone. Now, let’s say, this person comes up with some really poorly-conceived ideas about how to fix the nation’s economy. With us so far? Good. OK. Now suppose some legislators from the opposing party take issue with some of these bad ideas and politely ask said newly-elected former legislator to address them and explain some of the perceived deficiencies in said ideas.

This is the good part: if you are unsure of who is currently the president, assume that said hype-propelled elected official is Barack Hussein Obama. When confronted with any sort of second-guessing or mild analysis that his plans for an Orwellian economic and political future for all Americans might be “a little off”, he will respond: “I won!”

There you have it. By his own admission, Barack Obama is the President of the U.S. Wasn’t that easy?

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