hossvarad | 
08 29th, 2009| 
PHOENIX, ARIZONA – In a recent town hall meeting in the state capitol of Arizona, “Republican” Senator John McCain admits there might be stirrings of a revolution bubbling up all across the United States. The tip-off, McCain claims, was when all those grumpy people started showing up asking their elected representatives to actually write and read legislation before votes are held in Congress.
“My friends, this is simply astounding,” said McCain. “People are actually waking up to the fact we don’t even read this stuff and they’re getting cranky about it. My colleagues in the Senate have apparently forgotten that this isn’t 1996 anymore and it’s getting harder and harder to draw a senator’s salary for doing nothing. Nothing but screw things up, I mean.”
When questioned by an attendee what he thought about the political environment, McCain responded: “I haven’t seen this kind of spirit since 1776. Sure, I was only a boy then, but it was electric. I think we’re facing the beginnings of a similar situation right now. As I recall, that other American Revolution started with a Tea Party, too.”
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BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Long-time Democrat Congresscritter Barney Frank has been tapped by Warner Brothers Studios to be the new voice of Elmer Fudd in their upcoming biopic of the famous cartoon hunter called Elmer Fudd: The Weckoning. The film, which will explain the complex, involved backstory of the seemingly simple, much-beloved cartoon character–including his long-secret struggle with drug and alcohol addiction–seemed a perfect fit for Rep. Frank, who has often been accused of talking a lot like Fudd.
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, Christian President of the United States Barack Hussein Ali Baba Rashid Al Siddiqui Obama took time off his busy vacation schedule to re-appoint Federal Reserve Chairman and current majority stockholder in the Hair Club for Men, “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke, to a second term. The President, who phoned in the appointment from the links, said that Bernanke was good enough to continue to fill the position for a while longer yet.
WASHINGTON, DC – Senator Christopher J. “Chris” Dodd (D-CT) is feeling blue today upon hearing the news of the death of his senatorial colleague, Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy. Some who are close enough to Senator Dodd to read his emotional state described him as “being in a funk” or “feeling funky” since the Massachusetts swim champion from Chappaquiddick bit the big one.
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND – In light of the unsustainable environmental damage done by the Industrial Revolution, the internal combustion engine, and termite flatulence, amid other factors, the government in Iceland is bracing themselves to confront the eventual polar ice cap melting thingamajiggy that will completely render their island nation sans ice by the year 2004. In light of this impending problem, the Prime Minister and several other over-paid government types have begun preliminary market testing to re-name the country from Iceland to a more appropos moniker once the greenhouse gasses reduce their country from a majestic glacial landscape to a grody-looking lava outcropping in the North Atlantic.
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, following the rousing success of his succinct and insightful analysis of Washington politics, President Barack Hussein Al Sadr Obama pronounced the situation in Iran to be “wee weed” up, as well, along with a number of other things happening around the world.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s star has apparently stalled out, stranding the aspiring megalomaniac at the #36 spot on a list of the most powerful women in the world, according to some random criteria made up by a bunch of bored people that you will never really care about. In their anonymous opinion, Mrs. Clinton is at least 35 places out of first, coming in behind such luminaries as Piper Perabo, Maya Angelou, Vicki Lawrence, Amanda Bynes, Winnie Mandela, Mrs. Desmond Tutu, and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, President Barack Hussein Obama signed into law a temporary stop-gap measure combining his raging desire for socialized medicine in the United States with the amazingly popular and well-implemented “Cash for Clunkers” program, dubbed simply “Cash for Colons”. The gimmick with this program is simple, Americans will finally be able to make some money by turning in their old, inefficient colons for newer, more food-efficient models at their local doctor’s office or health clinic.
DAYTON, OH – Tempers are flaring again across the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. According to a new report from the Institute for Myopic Statistics (IMS), nine out of ten Americans constitute 90% of the country’s population. The unusual study has been widely heralded as one of the greatest studies ever conducted in the history of great studies that have been conducted, sending the mossback theoreticians of the statistics and probability world scrambling.
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