Junk Panic!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Information has just come to light about a new technique used by Al Qaeda suicide bombers for smuggling high explosives past even the most stringent security. It seems that a new excercise/suicide bomber instructional video has been released by the notorious Islamic terrorist organization, urging mentally-deficient, deranged religious zealots to insert small, tightly-wrapped IEDs into their rear ends or some other body cavity to avoid detection.

The video, hosted by a poorly-bearded man called Ali Al-Fazaq, shows the faithful future mass murderers how to safely insert a bomb into their anus so as not to scratch the delicate lining of the rectum. Al-Fazaq explains:

“Now I am going to show you how to put the boom-boom into your secret-y hiding place. Take the wrapped boom-boom and gently press it into your rear end. You may need to use Vaseline or say a prayer or two while this happens. Then, once the boom-boom is safely inside your digestive tract, you are ready to stroll to your nearest shopping mall, Christian church, synagogue, U.S. consulate, or pork manufacturing plant and set it off, killing lots of infidels and covering them with your mystical goodness. Allahu ackbar!”

It is rumored that Al Qaeda is also working on a similar instructional video on how to smuggle short-range missiles in a like manner. More details as they become available.

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WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he was considering several options for handling the war in Afghanistan that did not include America’s victory. These “non-victory options” include, teaching the Taliban how to shave, reciting beat poetry from portable loudspeakers, playing “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” with Osama bin Laden (who is, apparently, a big Kevin Bacon fan), smiling politely at the enemy until they succumb to our kindness, self-flagellation of U.S. commanders in the field to show empathy, and retreating from the country like a whipped dog.

“This is a really historic time in history,” said Obama today, reading aloud from his primary-type teleprompter. “What we chose to do in Afghanistan will affect the outcome of the war, and that will be significant, I think, for our relations with the Taliban and Afghanistan after we leave. We have to remember that America stinks and that I am the Stinker in Chief. Thus, historic, hard choices must be made. About Afghanistan. Have I said ‘let me be clear’ yet?”

However, before making any decisions about troop levels and the new strategy for losing the war in central Asia, Obama has decided to take a vacation in Denmark to beg to have the next Olympic games in the glorious wonderland of Chicago. BHO denies cronyism is a motivation for the trip.

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WASHINGTON, DC – The United Media Against Winning Battles (UMAWB) issued a statement today, decrying their recent lack of interest in counting the caskets of fallen soldiers being shipped home from the ongoing war in Afghanistan. According to a recent poll, over 75% of designated casket counters in the media have given up their sworn duty to keep the American people apprised of each fallen troop on a minute-by-minute basis since George W. Bush left office in January of this year.

“I really don’t have the heart for it any more,” said Tab McEwen of the End the War Now Foundation of Lansing, Michigan. “George W. kind of had a personality and made keeping track of our enemy’s successes more fun, you know? Now that Barack Hussein Obama’s in change, it just isn’t that interesting anymore, although there are more body bags to count these days. In some ways, I wish it were last year again. I hope you don’t quote me on that!”

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TEHRAN, IRAN – Fresh off his highly-touted speech at the United Nations this week, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that his nation’s missile tests were the opening salvo in Iran’s new “Missiles for Peace” initiative. Despite growing concerns in the international community about religious lunatics armed with medium-range missiles and nuclear warheads, the smirky election-stealing dictator assured Western nations that his country was tiny and that their missiles posed no threat to Israel or various parts of Europe.

“Ever since the Koran was written, the missile has been an image of peace and prosperity for the Muslim peoples,” said Ahmadinejad, speaking through a hole in a recently-fired interpreter. “And our nuclear plants and centrifuges are only to produce electrical power so our political dissidents can continue to blog about our government’s rigid adherence to the Geneva Convention and our reverence for human rights.”

In a similar vein, Ahmadinejad went on to share an analogy.”The scimitar, which the West has long feared would be used to behead non-Islamic ‘infidels’ in poorly-made videos from terrorist groups is only manufactured in our country to slice vegetables and occasionally clear-cut underbrush.”

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Former President Bill Clinton was first runner-up!

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KANSAS CITY, KANSAS – Superstar musician, singer/songwriter, and noted intellectual Sheryl Crow was seen in the area recently, sporting a tee shirt that proclaimed “War Is Not the Answer!” in big bold letters across her big bold chest, challenging all who saw her to guess what the question might have been. Out of several hundred people who saw the shirt, the following guesses were posited:

What is your favorite after-dinner passtime?
What is “RAW” spelled backwards?
What’s the secret ingredient in Newman’s Russian Salad Dressing?
What is the title of your next album?
What can bring a smile to any kid’s face?
What’s your favorite flavor of soda?
What is the opposite of “battle”?
Why can’t I record my favorite show on Tivo?
Does a macrobiotic diet preclude my consumption of canned ravioli?
Who does your hair?
Can I have your autograph?
Did you see that?
How about those performing seals?

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WICHITA, KANSAS – A new opinion poll taken from a random sampling of the American people living overseas in third world nations has shown conclusively that 87% of respondents believe Sheryl Crow, the superstar singer/songwriter, is far better looking that the late German philosopher, Martin Heidegger. In addition, a full 92% of respondents believe that Sheryl Crow’s existentialist-hedonistic philosophies of just “having fun” and “soaking up the sun” were far easier to grasp and understand than Heidegger’s plodding yet brilliant opus, Being and Time, which dealt with a lot of heady topics which people said “made my brain hurt” and “introduced too many ideas”.

Additionally, Sheryl Crow’s lack of blatantly copying ideas from Edmund Husserl was deemed to be more “sexy” and “appealing” than the highly-structured and densely thought-out ideas of Heidegger. Please find the photographs below for a comparison of the two individuals. These images were shown to the respondents, most of whom were teenage men.

Heidegger, circa 1927.

Sheryl Crow, circa who cares?

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LAWRENCE, KANSAS – A Douglas County, Kansas, farmer named Zeke Pendergast wrote to us today to inform us that world-famous “singer/songwriter” Sheryl Crow was not, in fact, a crow. This stunning revelation has shed new light on the controversy surrounding how a giant carrion bird could be taught to sing such unforgettable musical opuses as “All I Wanna Do”, “Soak Up the Sun”, and “Mr. Bojangles [Electronic Boogie Bop Mix] (unreleased)”.

“You know, crows just do a lot of squawking and they eat an awful lot of dead stuff on the road,” said Pendergast in a candid interview with JP! reporters. “I always wondered why America would gravitate to a pop star that wasn’t even a person like that. Now I know!”

Yes, the mystery surrounding the singing avian sensation has finally been put to rest. Sheryl Crow is a person and not a crow named Sheryl. We all feel better just knowing that, don’t we?

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MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – International box office superstar, Hugh Jackman, announced this week that he would be going to Africa and using his celebrity status to more effectively indirectly fund more brutal dictatorships. Using a convoluted calculus devised by World Vision and other, less-notable pseudo-humanitarian organizations, Jackman would tap dance, sing, and swig bottled water in a number of small, non-descript hell-hole nations throughout the Dark Continent. This would raise money for the impoverished masses there who would, in turn, be robbed and indiscriminately slaughtered by the local dictatorial government thugs after all the Westerners go back to wherever it is they came from.

“This is truly a unique opportunity for Mr. Jackman,” said Lenny Smythe, a spokesman for another actor not at all related to Hugh. “I think the African peoples will get a real bang out of it. I mean, he IS Wolverine and all. Don’t they have wolverines in Africa? Anyway, we white folks get to feel warm and cozy inside for ‘helping out’ and the dictators get a much-needed monetary bailout with a bonus murderous rampage against their own people tossed in for good measure. What’s not to like?”

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This is just to clarify. The previous post about 200 posts was actually the 201st post. This is the 202nd. There will be news added soon. Thank you.

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Today, JunkPanic! is excited to say that we have created over 200 posts on this, the world’s least-relevant fake news site! We are completely ecstatic that our leader, Hoss Varad, has been able to post so many stupid, thoughtless, and hurtful things on this site with or without the knowledge of the all-but-non-existent staff. So today, we celebrate the massive volumes of collected nonsense that we have been able to poof out over the past couple of years or so. Happy 200 posts to us and here’s to another 200 more on top of that and stuff! Thanks to all three readers who continue to read us even though they are probably just killing time at work. Cheers to you!

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Let it not be said that the Libyan dictator, Moammar Gadhafi, has no fashion sense! Among Islamic dunderheads, he’s one of the most nattily attired in the world! Below, we present the fall line of Gadhafi fashions. They’re all the rage in Tripoli and Michelle Obama likes his style, too!

CRIMSON GUARD OUTFIT – Just right for protecting the Emperor or singing in Jeremiah Wright’s gospel choir!

COLONEL KLINK CHIC – A life-long fan of Hogan’s Heroes, Moammar sports his military uniform, replete with bling and cereal box-tops.

TRADITIONAL TURBAN/JOHN TRAVOLTA LOOK – Totally cool silk turban with sleeveless vest makes this little combo a winner for a fun night on the town! Moammar won runner-up in the third annual all-Libyan John Travolta look-alike contest with this one!

CATWALK SPECIAL – Here we see Moammar and his faithful longtime companion, Bobo, strutting their stuff in the brand-new, pre-Labor Day, all-white military dictator fashion line. Just fabulous, MG! Fabuloso!

STAINED GLASS NOUVEAU – Finally, we get the crowning jewel of the Moammar Gadhafi fashion line: the Stained Glass Nouveau, with un-matching cap and ceremonial gown! Nothing says “terrifying dictator” more than a blurry collage of yellow and green floating dots, contrasted with your tacky black-and-blue, unflattering outfit! Citizens of Libya, beware!

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AL NU YORQA, LIBYA – Today, in front of a breathlessly waiting crowd of several hundred dictators, despots, doofuses, and other assorted world leaders, Libyan dictator-in-chief, Moammar Gadhafi ruthlessly assaulted the United Nations assembly with a three-hour long diatribe.

“They don’t let me out of the house much anymore, so you’re going to have to bear with me,” joked Gadhafi, sporting his trademark head covering and cool-guy sunglasses. “Have you all heard of this thing called the internet? I mean, what’s that about?”

After a few dozen anti-Jewish jokes and general calls for the extermination of the nation of Israel, Moammar the Magnificent went on a rambling tour of a woefully disconnected sequence of topics ranging from his favorite colors, why seafood is bad for your health, how many ways he’s spelled his last name in the past twenty years, why Obama is really OK for an American president, the superiority of cooking in a tagine, and why Morocco should submit to Libyan rule following their conquest of Tunisia next year.

The dictator concluded by demanded reparations from the United States’ involvement against the Barbary pirates in the late eighteenth century and asked that the United Nations open an investigation of Thomas Jefferson for war crimes against Libya. After which, he also claimed Angelina Jolie was his mother and he began imitating a cape buffalo, carrying on for at least thirty seconds or so before he was tazed by security and carted off stage. Critics are hailing the performance as an artistic success and a tour de force of public speaking. Moammar hopes to be elected president of the United States in 2012.

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The dangers of slapping John McCain on the back became evident quickly. Anyone got a dolly?

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LONDON, ENGLAND – The increasingly addlepated Prince Charles of England, a glorious product of centuries of selective European inbreeding, announced today that people should not drive cars in order to save the planet’s environment. In an effort to be the “greenest” and most irrelevant member of the royal family, Prince Charles doddered on and on at a press conference in which he declared that, if and when he becomes King of England, he will decree that everyone walk everywhere, learn to speak French, and be able to gargle “God Save the King” while riding a unicycle made of organic materials, among other, less sensible reforms.

Further, Chucky-poo declared that hair gel was a vicious and cruel Western tradition and that he was eschewing it immediately and other Britons who want to be considered as cool as he should follow suit. Then, he jumped in one of his eight automobiles and sped off to the Windsor family’s private jet for a lovely four-moth holiday in Norway.

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DALLAS-ish, TEXAS – Dozens of less-than-enthusiastic citizens assembled at a local DFW area park today to commemorate an anniversary of something or other. They held hands, sang songs, ate highly caloric foods, and engaged in the generic festival as best they could before the hour-long event drew to a tearful conclusion sometime in the afternoon.

“If only more Americans would realize what this day was about,” whimpered Candy Grimmels, a local resident who happened to be walking her pet cat past the park at the time. “Then, we’d know what it is that we’re celebrating!”

“All I know is that were here and it’s important somehow,” said Dr. Gordon Platts, a history professor at a Southern Methodist University. “If we can’t remember the somewhat important days of our past, then I’m afraid we’re lost as a country.”

Flags flapped in the breeze as impromptu beat poetry was performed to mark the “occasion”.

“Just what it is, we don’t know,” said Lefty Bumstead, dressed in horn-rimmed shades and a black leather jacket. “But it happened umpteen years ago. Peace!”

Following a tearful ceremony where nothing much was said or done, the assembled park goers said some vaguely somber words and patted each other on the backs for comfort before jumping into their BMWs and heading off to finish their day.

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This is a note to all you link-based pranksters out there in Cyberland: please stop “Rick rolling” people! It’s not funny anymore. Really, how many times do you expect to get folks to watch that awful Rick Astley video where he’s trying to dance? Let’s move on people. Thank. To exit this page, click here.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Secretary of Something-or-Other Janet “Nappy” Napolitano announced her plan to use 3.4 million Girl Scouts in an effort to prevent earthquakes, hurricanes, tidal waves, and future electrical storms. The new initiative, called Scouts Are Disposable (SAD), intends to use the young females to create impromptu dams, building and structural supports, flood barriers, and lightning rods in the face of escalating base metal costs.

“I’ve run the numbers five times personally myself,” said Secretary Nappy, using her best Barry White voice. “The conclusion is inescapable. We just don’t have enough materiel to cope with natural disasters. So, we’re going to need to use our young American women to fill in the gap where our physical supplies leave off.”

While deemed a bit controversial, Secretary Napolitano has assured parents around the nation that new SAD program will be quick and painless and well within the constraints of the Geneva Convention.

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH – Carl Davers, a long-time member of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), is taking the long Labor Day weekend off to mend his hands after a long and exhausting August beating up tax protesters and opponents of President Obama’s proposed Cuba-style medical care system. He and several of his brothers from Local 1199 gathered around the barbeque grill to drink cold ones and reminisce about the strong arm tactics they employed against peaceful citizens last month.

“That one rally near Akron was really great,” said Davers, slurping his Old Milwaukee beer and scratching his stomach through a hole in his coffee-stained white tank top. “I think I won the leader board for beating up little old ladies and black people that day.”

“You came in second,” said his friend, Mitch Shobbolethski, giving the burgers a quarter turn on the grill. “Nate actually got three school kids in a full nelson before lunch.”

“Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Good one, Nate.”

The three men continued reliving their glory days of physically assaulting people they disagreed with as the evening shadows grew long across the back porch of their brownstone.When asked about their future plans, all three men said they were coordinating a mass beating event for October, bringing in brothers from the IBEW, UAW, and several other unions.

“We’ll teach people to say what they think,” snarled Nate Cooper, picking his nose with his middle finger. “Just as soon as the swelling in our knuckles goes down, we’ll be out there convincing people that Obamacare is right for them. In the mean while, though, we’re gonna grill out and chill out. Gosh, I love holidays!”

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