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Oct
30
Julius Caesar’s Ghost Writer Revealed
hossvarad | 
Idiotica, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 
10 30th, 2009| 
No Comments »
hossvarad | Idiotica, Lifestyles for Lemmings, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture | 10 30th, 2009| No Comments »
ROME, ITALY – For centuries, it has been speculated that the great Roman Emperor Julius Caesar did not pen his magnum opus, The Gallic Wars, by himself. While some scholars have traditionally maintained that the works were “aided along” by contemporary military historian, Aulus Hirtius, new evidence has just come to light regarding the true writer of Caesar’s first magnificent book. This week, the American news media has announced that President Barack Hussein Obama was the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar–an announcement that sent many classical scholars scrambling for their copies of The Gallic Wars and other notable writings by the late Roman emperor.
Sure enough, many of the phrases used in Barack’s landmark literary achievement, Dreams of My Father, closely mirrored the maritime imagery from Julius Caesar’s account of wiping the floor with the Celtic tribes in France many years ago. Noted journalist and writing analyst, Jack Cashill, however, has noted that the patterns of the writing may, indeed, be too similar. His investigations have since revealed that U.S. domestic terrorist, William Ayres, was indeed the ghost writer for Obama’s first book… and Caesar’s!
“This may be very difficult to grasp for some,” said Cashill in a recent interview, “but the phraseology and choice of imagery in the two books is just too close to writing style of William Ayres. Undoubtedly, his Latin name during the nascent years of the Roman Empire has been lost to time, but there is no doubt now that they are one in the same person. I don’t know how he’s managed to live this long, but I definitely want the secret.”
Common images in both The Gallic Wars and Dreams of My Father, such as “shooting hoops after school”, “smoking pot with the rich white kids”, and “crossing the Rubicon” have led other top literary scholars to agree with Cashill’s assessment. The reason Obama is the greatest writer since Caesar is because both men used the same ghost writer! Developing….
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Oct
27
Here, former GOP ubergoober Mike Huckabee pauses from his heavy television schedule to suck down a few burgers before retaking the airwaves. Hucka-BEE!!
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Oct
18
Who’s Ratting Out the Rats?
hossvarad | Idjit-Prop, In the News?, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Whirled Events | 10 18th, 2009| No Comments »
hossvarad | Idjit-Prop, In the News?, Politi-Speak, Pulp Culture, Whirled Events | 10 18th, 2009| No Comments »
LONDON, ENGLAND – Today, in an impassioned plea to the citizens of the once-great United Kingdom, Prime Minister Gordon Brown made his case for shoring up the country’s flagging system of informants which has become increasingly less reliable in recent weeks. In a message carried by ITV and two or three select BBC channels, Mr. Brown donned his “Ratty’ costume taken from the set of Toad of Toad Hall, and made several squeaking sounds before beginning his pitch in earnest.
“It has become obvious to me over the past several days that our intricately-woven system of informants has been providing insufficient or totally unreliable information to the Parliament,” said Mr. Brown. “Apparently, these hand-selected snitches tend to slack off a bit when they aren’t being watched themselves. So, it is my great pleasure to announce a new level of bureaucracy to keep tabs on our previously helpful squads of domestic spies. These new agents will inform me and the Labour government when our lackeys aren’t snitching enough or when they’re just plain wrong. In this way, we will have rats who will rat on the rats. Ingenious, don’t you think?”
When asked who would keep tabs on the newly-established tab-keeping bureau’s members, Mr. Brown declined to comment, but mentioned there was a large body of water we could jump into somewhere nearby.
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Oct
16
DES MOINES, IOWA – According to a new poll of college age students across the nation, a new drinking game has evolved around the public speaking appearances of President Barack Hussein Obama. Since his oratorical repertoire has proven to be severely limited to campaign-mode speeches and the endless repetition of selected phrases designed to put white folks at ease, the nation’s youth have turned to imbibing alcoholic beverages in order to punch up the Commander-in-Chief’s otherwise dull delivery and increasingly hollow messages.
“It’s really quite easy,” said Jimmy Upshaw, a ninth-year senior at Iowa State University in nearby Aimes. “Every time the prez says ‘let me be clear’, you take a shot of Jaegermeister. At the rate he’s going, we’re never gonna sober up! Ain’t college great? I really feel like I’m making a difference, y’know?”
With that, the erudite Mr. Upshaw passed out in a puddle of his own vomit somewhere near his dorm.
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Oct
15
TRANSYLVANIA – There may be no vampires out on the prowl this year for Halloween, according to a shocking new press release from the International Brotherhood of Vampiric Workers (IBVW) International Headquarters, located somewhere in the forests of Romania. The reason? After centuries of blood-drinking, the vamps are demanding better working conditions, living accommodations, and fringe benefits. While usually willing and able to drain the life blood from any living creature, the IBVW membership are demanding only attractive, scantily-clad members of the opposite sex as a means to improve conditions in the workplace.
“I’ve had it with rodents and dogs,” said one vampire, and IBVW member, hiding in the shade. “I’ve got seniority, you know? Don’t I deserve to drain the blood of a hottie? I mean, where’s the glamor in sucking on a pig or horse? Nowhere, I says!”
Among other demands are increased hours of operation, including dusk and early morning times; no more sleeping in coffins, crypts, and mausoleums; and a better overall image in the press.
“It’s tough out there for vamps these days,” said Count Orloff, better known as Nosferatu, through an English-speaking thrall. “You’ve got a reinvigorated Catholic church, trying to burn us, stake us, or drive us away with crucifixes; you’ve got television and movies portraying us as unfeeling monsters that only live at the expense of the mortal population; and then there’s the whole ‘only work at night’ thing, which severely limits our opportunities, since most people are out during the day. Something’s gotta give.”
Representatives from the IBVW have made it clear that, if the union’s demands are not met by October 30 this year, they will not work on Halloween. Developing….
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Oct
14
SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA – Herman McMaster, a 60-year old native of Scranton, was delighted to learn today that he was not nearly as old as he thought he was. According to new economic data released by the U.S. government, there has been a tremendous amount of inflation since 1971. Indeed, a dollar in 1971 is equivalent to $0.02 today, or a devaluation of 98%, according to the latest pointy-headed statistical figures.
“Isn’t inflation great?” said Herman, cackling in the sunlight, showing his nearly-toothless maw to the patrons in the parking lot of the local Seven Eleven store. “According to these figures, I’m only 1.2 years old in 1971 years! I feel like a kid again! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a box of diapers….”
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Oct
12
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – Due to environmental regulations that prohibit the chopping of trees for firewood in Sweden, thousands of denizens of the frozen Scandanavian nation have turned to the ultimate renewable resource to provide heat this winter: bunny rabbits. While animal rights wackos have screetched and howled about this latest development, the Swedish government remains resolute in pursuing its Rodent Power Initiative (RPI) to provide lasting, good-smelling heat for its citizens.
“Rabbits make good a fire, sure, you betcha,” said Prof. Ollie Bergstrom of the University of Stockholm’s Syndrome Department. “And, the way they breed guarantees us a supply of the little creatures for years to come. Rodents are the fuel of the future, I tell ya! Uff da!”
While controversial, the RPI has had tremendous success, raising the average mean home temperature in Sweden from 45 degrees F to 47.5 degrees F this winter. Plans are underway to breed new, super-efficient combustible rabbits that will generate higher BTUs in efforts of getting homes up to a toasty 55 degrees F by the year 2013. Genetics researchers are working hard on the problem and should have the first prototype high-heat bunnies available by early in 2011.
Not wanting to be left behind, other Scandinavian countries are jumping on board, launching their own initiatives to burn rats, mice, weasels, voles, gophers, guinea pigs, ground hogs, and other small, quick-breeding rodents for heat.
“What a great breakthrough for mankind!” said Ulf Svenssen, a resident of Trondheim, Norway. “We are truly living in the 21st century!”
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Oct
10
WASHINGTON, DC – In a special super-secret emergency session of the Federal Reserve and other pointy-headed monetary policy types today, Chairman of the Federal Reserve “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke announced that the Federal Reserve’s printing presses simply cannot keep up with the torrid pace of the U.S. government’s current drunken-sailor style spending spree. In an effort to keep up with the exponentially-escalating demand, Bernanke said he has contracted with several foreign nations to help print U.S. currency.
“This is a radical step, I know,” said Bernanke, his shiny head glinting in the lights of the conference room, “but the greenback is in great demand right now. It’s time to call on other nations with money-printing experience to help us, like Zimbabwe, China, and North Korea. All they’ve asked for in return are our nuclear secrets and that a small tag of ‘made in China’ or ‘made in Zimbabwe’ be added to Alexander Hamilton’s lapel on the face of the bills. I thought that was a small price to pay for hyperinflation.”
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Oct
2
by Ralph Alter (originally published at the American Thinker)
10.) I learned everything I needed to know from Governor Mark Sanford.
8.) I was just doing research for a documentary about Bill Clinton.
6.) You probably didn’t realize that smarmy is an aphrodisiac.
5.) There is no truth to the rumor that I had my staffers assume that “slutty flight attendant look.”
4.) It wasn’t really me, it was my wily alter-ego, Shag-boy.
3.) Have you seen the ratings Conan has been getting?
2.) It’s not like I’m Roman Polanski or something.
And the number one excuse for David Letterman’s adulterous behavior:
1.) It might have been adultery, but it wasn’t adultery-adultery.
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Oct
1
PRESCOTT, ARIZONA – During an imagined stop in Prescott this week, Senator/Vice-President Joe Biden reminded Americans that October has recently been dedicated as “Self-Importance Awareness Month” by the President. This marks the first time in twenty years that Joe Biden has ventured west of the Appalachians.
“Barack phoned me up during the in-flight movie and told me why I was flying out here to this Obama-forsaken place,” said Biden to a crowd of dozens of perplexed onlookers. “He’s decided to make October a very special month and a national period of unpaid service to the state. I ordinarily wouldn’t come out here to speak to you desert-dwelling Neandertals just to tell you this, but when Barry gets that look, well, I decided coming here was best. Anyway, he doesn’t like Columbus Day and so this is going to be the deal instead.
“October shall now be a month where we can truly take stock of ourselves and project our airs of deluded, self-serving superiority to others. If this is difficult for you, just look at anyone in entertainment, the media, or in government and you should be able to pick it up pretty quickly. Want examples? OK. Cut someone off in traffic. Tell them you’re going to pass socialized medicine anyway. Double-dip with your chip in the community salsa bowl. Whatever you like. Just be aware that you’re doing it, though! Once you lose track of that, you get to be a czar or something. I don’t know. The President didn’t give me any more details than that.”
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Oct
1
DETROIT, MICHIGAN – Not everything has left Detroit these days. Indeed, the foundering metropolis seems to be gaining in some areas despite the recent economic woes of the city, state, and nation: mice, rats, roaches, unspent welfare checks, and now, corpses. Lots of corpses. Apparently, the city morgue has been beset with a great number of unclaimed dead folks, which momentarily had the city council and mayor in quite a quandary. The solution to the burgeoning pile of former humans in the town was quick in coming, though. Detroit has announced the first-ever Rent a Corpse program.
The genius of the program is its simplicity and ability to solve two of the city’s problems at once: people rent the corpses from the city morgue, use them in their home improvement projects or cast them as extras in various community theater productions or whatever they like, and pay the city $25 per day — with no late fees! This not only opens up space on the city’s autopsy tables, but also brings some much-needed funds to the coffers of Motown. In exchange, renters of the dead can use the bodies for whatever purposes they need them for–clearly a win-win for everyone!
Some uses for unclaimed bodies include: evening up chair and table legs, impromptu vice grips, hat racks, speed bumps, flood control devices, low-cost insulation for new building projects, companions for the visually impaired, stand-ins for senior skip days, CPR training dummies, dialogue doubles for Matt Damon, and much, much more. Some creative individuals have even used the deceased as scarecrows in their roof garden projects. The possibilities are almost endless.
“These unclaimed bodies really went from a major liability to a tremendous boon for us,” said Alderman Gregg Phipps, speaking to us off-the-record. “I can finally–I mean–the city can finally pay off some of its debts with the income from the Rent a Corpse program. In fact, it’s been so successful, we’re thinking of repealing some of our gun control laws and setting all the traffic lights to permanent green in the metro!”
While not a cure-all, Detroit’s new-found source of income has certainly helped alleviate the immediate cash crunch felt by the city following the disastrous takeover of their economy by President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama. Other cash-strapped cities are watching carefully to see if a similar program might work in their jurisdictions. Developing….
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