The Pilgrims were grateful to God Almighty to be alive after their harrowing travels and ordeals coming to the New World for religious freedom. Let us take this day to reflect on the many blessings we’ve received, including our freedoms in America. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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WASHINGTON, DC — Two people in formal wear have apparently been accused of crashing President Barack Fareed Sayyad Al-Abibi Obama’s first White House state dinner today. The pair, identified only as Tareq and Michaele Salahi, have apparently been named in at least 16 different civil suits, several pairs of civil shorts, some socks, and even a crevat or two in Fauquier County. However, it seems it was their relative lack of criminal “street cred” that kept them off Obama’s guest list in the first place.
The couple was spotted rubbing elbows and various other body parts with the likes of Vice President Joe “Hairplugs” Biden and Chief of Staff Rahm “Dead Fish” Emanuel at Tuesday’s dinner, but the Secret Service says they were not invited because they were “just not criminal enough to associate with the President”.
The two apparently slipped by two Secret Service checkpoints using Michaele’s revealing gown and Tareq’s expert judo strikes in order to proceed unimpeded to the Blue Room, where they met and cackled with the President in a photo or two. While being reported widely as a security breach, insiders believe that the Salahi’s formidable powers of disguise and mastery of mystical Far Eastern martial arts techniques were actually more responsible for the incident.
Following their rude and (un)expected appearance at the state dinner, the couple did not respond to media requests for comments, nor did they respond to any other audio-visual stimuli, other than to pan the cuisine at the White House, which the couple said was “too bland and hoity-toity” for their tastes.
Despite being sued numerous times, losing, and then failing to pay fines to the winning plaintiffs, the Salahis were still unable to attain formal invites to the Washington, DC, affair.
“We’re going to have to up the ante next time,” said Tareq Salahi mysteriously. “We’ve got a whole year to cheat on our taxes, run illegal prostitution rings out of our home, extort and bribe U.S. senators, and basically do whatever it takes to make that guest list.”
Michaele just smiled and winked at the camera. “We’re bad,” she whispered. “Really, really bad!”
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WASHINGTON, DC – Today, White House Press Secretary Gibbs announced that President Barack Hussein Al-Ackbar Obama (who is not a Muslim, by the way) has come to a conclusion regarding the war in Afghanistan. The President has determined to continue to deliberate the issue until his mind is eventually made up… maybe.
“Barry is very pleased to announce today that he is carefully considering every option in order to stall this thing as long as possible,” said Gibbs. “Troop morale is really overrated, anyway, especially in the face of a determined force of violent religious nut bars like the Taliban and Al Qaeda. If the troops are feeling a little mopey, they should take considerable solace in the fact that the President may, in fact, make his mind up at some undetermined point in the future. At that juncture, I’m sure there will be a definite deadline for withdrawal announced.”
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SOMEWHERE – Today, it was announced that many things some folks had suspected for a long time seem to be coming to fruition. The confirmation of these long-suspected things has caused skeptics of some folks’ position to reverse their formerly-held views that such things would not happen. While the true nature of these things has not yet been completely confirmed, there is enough veracity to their existence that the folks who had originally been suspecting these things for some time have now claimed their long-held suspicion regarding said things have been borne out. More later.
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BERLIN, GERMANY – Today marks the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, the dramatic and symbolic end of the Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union. As the former leader of the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR), Mikhail Gorbachev, stopped by to accept the misguided accolades of the international community for taking the initiative to dismantle the wall separating East and West Germany that ran through the heart of the German capitol city of Berlin.
“Ronald Reagan was just an entertainer,” said Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Mikhail Gorbachev is really the hero of the Cold War. Had it not been for the keen insight of Mr. Gorbachev, who made much-needed reforms to the socio-political structure of the former Soviet Union, the wall would still be standing here near the Brandenburg Gate and that would seriously have messed up the aesthetics of our fine city. Nobody likes a butt-ugly wall, anyway. Yay, Gorbachev!”
Gorbachev, whose government was responsible for creating the wall in the first place, accepted the key to Berlin and a year’s supply of schnitzel for his role in bringing about the fall of Communism in Russia.
“I am so happy to receive the great honor instead of President Reagan,” said Gorbachev, who polished his birthmark with a special wax for the occasion. “Since President Barack Hussein Obama could not make it here to the festivities, I was more than happy to represent Communism in Berlin today. Someday, with the cooperation of Europe and the new socialist regime in America, we can work together to transform the former Eastern Bloc into a hellhole prison again!”
Gorbachev’s speech was greated with many cheers and people chanting “Gor-ba-chev! Gor-ba-chev!”, which made everyone feel good about everything.
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NEW YORK – Scientists have made an enormous breakthrough today in the search for the perfect vacuum: newscritter Diane Sawyer’s head. Astrophysicists have noted that the anchorwoman’s flattening face means that her skeletal structure can no longer effectively resist the compulsion to fill the empty void within her skull. As such, they have filed a petition with the federal government to study Ms. Sawyer’s head before the vacuum between her ears creates a rupture and is dispersed forever.
“This is truly an amazing situation,” said Dr. William Fillets of the Perfect Vacuum Research Center of Central Paugkeepsie. “We are certainly looking forward to studying Ms. Sawyer’s noggin in order to better understand how to create a perfect vacuum under lab conditions. It’s a unique opportunity for the scientific community that should not be wasted.”
When asked whether or not she was in favor of being studied by a bunch of pretentious dudes in lab coats, Ms. Sawyer said “I like vanilla. Shiny red truck.”
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FT. HOOD, TX – In the wake of today’s violent outburst by potential Muslim, Major Nidal Hasan, groups of so-called “experts” have descended on the story with a host of reasons why the murder of 13 U.S. soldiers and the wounding of 29 more were not at all related to the shooter’s adherence to Islam: The Religion of Peace(tm). Despite the overwhelming evidence that the Major was outspoken against the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan and he was uncannily open regarding his sympathies for radical Muslims around the world, medical experts, talking heads, politically-correct generals, and other concerned citizens have created a list of other reasons why this nice-looking man would suddenly snap and kill a bunch of innocent people.
“We all know that Muslims are not violent,” said Dr. Linus Weinerman, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, New York, and an avid ignorer of patently obvious facts. “They get a bad rap because the only bombings, random shootings, gruesome beheadings, and nerve-wracking public immolations of non-Muslims shown by the main stream media happen to be purpetrated by people with Muslim-esque sounding names. It’s a blatant attempt to paint these fun-loving peaceniks as heartless religious fanatics and that is very unfortunate.”
Dr. Weinerman then went on to posit that Maj. Hasan was most likely struggling with a combination of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and a rare Muslim-only version of Turette’s Syndrome, which causes the affected person to yell out “Allahu Ackbar!” and start blazing with any firearms at hand. This tragic condition, it seems, afflicts millions of otherwise peace-loving zealots around the globe, although it usually manifests itself in stinking rat hole nations that have very poor standards of living.
The poor, hapless mass-murderer was brutally gunned down by Ft. Hood personnel and has been taken to the hospital, where he will be served halal meals, allowed to read the Koran, and given the opportunity to pray to Mecca several times per day as soon as he is able, in accordance with the treatments for PTSD and Turette’s. The President is currently working on issuing an apology for the shooter’s parents for his mistreatment by the United States Army.
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HOUSTON, TX – The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) issued a press release today, promising to use radiation on a large number of squirrel monkeys in the upcoming months in order to “get back” at the little primates for jinxing last August’s proposed shuttle launch. Animal rights groups are furious about the decision, but they are ultimately irrelevant in the eyes of NASA, who have acquired a large government stipend to purchase the monkeys and the radioactive materials to make ‘em glow like lightbulbs.
The pretext for exposing the small primates to cesium isotopes is to see if they can survive a trip into deep space. If the experiments are successful, monkeys will actually be shot into deep space in an effort to see what sound they make when their capsule enters the asteroid belt just beyond the planet Mars.
“This is an exciting time for us at NASA,” said Dr. John Smith, under condition of anonymity. “Not only do we get to irradiate these little buggers, we get to shoot them into space. That’ll teach them to mess up our launches!”
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CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA – Today, a group of one-named celebrities that comprise the Two Names Coalition (TNC) gathered in Culver City in order to protest their lack of surnames. Underprivileged superstars, forced to get by for decades on only one moniker, have finally had enough and are making their grievances public.
“Why should we have to get by with just one name, when there are so many other celebrities out there with more than one?” griped Sting, former frontman for The Police. “It’s a tremendous miscarriage of justice if you ask me. The governments of the world need to step in and redistribute names from those public figures that have more than one so that everyone on earth can have at least two.”
This sentiment was echoed by U2 frontman, Bono, who added: “Celebrities with two names are the norm. Why should we have to limp along with 50% fewer appellations? And don’t even get me started on celebrities with three names or more. Name-hogging grandstanders like Jean-Claude Van Damme, David Alan Grier, and Jennifer Love Hewitt need to be forced to give up a name to those like myself who only have one.”
Other celebrities in attendance included Cher, Prince, Beck, Eminem, Enya, Seal, Gallagher, and Bjork, among others. The TNC vows to continue their work on socializing name distribution throughout the artistic community and, eventually, throughout the common folks of the world.
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How Many States Are There in the United States?
Total Voters: 0
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hossvarad | 
11 26th, 2009| 
