Junk Panic!

TYCHO CRATER, THE MOON – After several centuries living next door to Superman at the North Pole, Santa Claus is officially stepping up production and modernizing in order to more efficiently deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls around the world. In order to deal with the demands of a larger global population and to alleviate the physical stress of flying all around the world on a reindeer-powered sleigh each year, Santa has established a high-tech moonbase in the Tycho Crater of the Moon.

The gleaming domed structure houses the latest manufacturing technologies which enable Santa’s non-union workforce of cybernetic “elves” to create the toys and other gifts in rapid-fire fashion. Then, instead of flying about and yelling “Ho Ho Ho!” all night long on Christmas Eve, Santa places the newly-made goodies on the teleportation platform and beams them into the homes of unsuspecting Christian children all across the Earth.

So how can you tell if the present you or your child unwraps under the tree this year is really from Santa? It’s easy! Each toy now bears the label “Made on the Moon” rather than the more familiar and ubiquitous “Made in China”. Merry Christmas, everyone! Ho Ho Ho!

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PARIS, FRANCE – Using pets as a substitute for coal, natural gas, or gasoline is bad for the environment, experts at a global warming alarmist think-tank in Paris, France, proclaimed today. The organization, known as the Research Institute for Pets as Fuels (RIFPAF), has been examining the combustibility of many popular house pets for years, as well as monitoring the use of “pet fuels” for carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gas emissions. In fact, they claim that using cute, cuddly domesticated animals for fuel is bad for the environment in terms of their “carbon pawprints”.

“The study was completely exhaustive,” said Dr. Francoise Le Matt, executive director of the ferret division of RIFPAF. “I know we tried to use everything from gerbils to goldfish to greyhounds to parakeets and, while some of these lovable animal companions burned quite nicely, they just didn’t burn cleanly enough to pass emissions standards here in France. It’s a shame really. The little buggers would have been a renewable resource, to boot.”

Various plans to use highly igneous pets to power coal plants, fuel automobiles, and warm homes across France and, eventually, Europe, have been scrapped. The Swedes, however, still plan to continue to burn bunnies to warm Stockholm this winter, claiming the evidence indicating that rabbit combustion contributes to global warming was doctored and manipulated by RIFPAF.

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WASHINGTON, DC – Senator Ben Nelson was delivered a sad bit of news today, informing him that he had placed third in a beauty contest behind Hillary Clinton and Janet Napolitano. While his swimsuit was rad and right-on, his warbly voice hit basically all the right notes in the talent competition, and his willingness to sell Americans’ freedoms down the crapper was adequate enough for President Barack Hussein Allahu Ackbar Obama, Ben was ultimately awarded third place because he he was just not as manly as the other two contestants.

“I know, its been a real problem of mine for years,” said Nelson, heartbroken by his lackluster showing at the event. “I even brought in Alan Alda and Richard Simmons to butch me up a bit, but I guess it was all for naught. Maybe next year, I shouldn’t sing ‘You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman’. But, hey! At least I helped the government take over every aspect of your life, so it’s not all bad, right?”

Ben then skipped through the halls of the Senate, whistling a happy tune and drinking from a paper sack containing his “cough medicine” to celebrate his new found load of cash erm, legislative success.

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COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Today, in the Danish capitol city U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton sung an impromptu aria dedicated to the horrors of global warming/climate change/capitalism, which brough an uproarious round of applause from the gaggle of pretentious, egg-headed, European millionaires in the room. The song, which amounted to Al Gore’s “poem” set to an Andrew Lloyd Webber score, was belted out with verve, warning of the rising sea levels and dying polar bear populations even as record amounts of snow fell outside, allowing the polar bears to surround the complex.

“What a wonderful voice she has,” said one attendee. “She really knows how to entertain. I’m sure the taxpayers of the world will want to fork over every last nickel to us just based on her interpretation of that song alone.”

U.N. Secretary General Bunky Moon wiped a tear from his eye and clapped enthusiastically as Ms. Secretary Clinton concluded her performance.  The meaning of this is still unclear, but it is believed he enjoyed the musical number, complete with traditional Korean dancers, flying tigers, and a Russian chorus that set themselves on fire. Isn’t saving the world great?

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SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA – An area man made a crass statement today at a junior high basketball practice. The remarks, while rude and off-putting, was largely ignored by the various mothers, siblings, and school personnel that were scattered about the gymnasium watching the “Mighty Gophers” after-school basketball practice. Frustrated with the lack of reaction to his blatantly disrespectful statements, Hal Monkowitz slunk away from the event to eat his TV dinner at home… alone.

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BILLINGS, MONTANA – U.S. Senator Max “Tax” Baucus is embroiled in a scandal today involving his girlfriend, Melodee Hanes’, appointment to the U.S. attorney position in Montana. Baucus, who makes a lot of money and chairs some important committees in the U.S. Senate, is a key figure in the current CommieCare debates taking place on Capitol Hill. However, the tough times of the current recession have forced the senator to downgrade from an attractive girlfriend to a “highly qualified” one such as Ms. Hanes.

“I remember the good old days when I could hook up with whatever hottie came along,” said Baucus, a wistful tear coming to his eye. “Now, with things getting tighter financially all across America these days, I just can’t justify spending the money necessary to procure a really attractive girlfriend. Instead, I have to settle for females who have some sort of ‘intelligence’ or ‘professional training’, but these women are typically bowsers that fall well short on the beauty scale.”

Despite her “qualifications”, however, Ms. Hanes withdrew her name from consideration for the U.S. attorney’s position in Montana. Awww.

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SIOUX CITY, IOWA – Today, former Republican vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, “accidentally” made a stop in Sioux City, Iowa, signaling perhaps that she may, indeed, decide to run for President of the United States in 2012. Republican and Democrat strategists were abuzz, claiming that Palin’s appearance in the oft-forgotten Midwestern state could not have been on purpose, but those close to the book tour have verified that the stop was intentional.

“Many in the news media may not see the folks in ‘flyover country’ as real people, but Todd and I do,” said Palin in a brief comment to JP!s representative there. “In fact, if the lawmakers on Capitol Hill took a moment to look around from reading their 3,000 page long pieces of legislation, they would find that real folks are all over. It’s those folks we aim to connect with–folks who, at last count, outnumber pointy-headed elitist snobs from the Ivy League by a wide, wide margin.”

Wearing a snappy olive drab hat, Palin signed numerous autographs before the throngs of supporters.

“Corn rules!” said Palin, waiving an ear of the state’s signature crop high in the air above her head. “And so does Iowa! God bless you all!”

The event, which lasted for several hours, was hailed as a universal success, and Palin finally boarded her chartered bus on the way to the next “accidental” book tour stop, somewhere deep in ‘that bunch of states in the middle’ of the country.

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FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA – While most folks probably overlooked it in all the hustle and bustle of the post-Thanksgiving Christmas sales, December 1 quietly came and went, dutifully following November 30 for the umpteenth occasion since the beginning of time. Long overlooked, a vocal group of citizens have banded together to petition the government to recognize December 1st as some kind of holiday.

“If you think about it, there are so many reasons to celebrate December 1,” said Freddy Potts, the Grand High Wizard of the December First Society of America (DFSA). “None come to mind at present, but there really needs to be a federally-recognized holiday there.”

Some within the DFSA have suggested Leif Erickson Day, Not Quite New Year’s Day, All Saints’ Day II, Reindeer Remembrance Day, December Day, and many others. So far, no commitments have been made on any level of government to recognize December 1 as anything other than just another calendar date.

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