NEW YORK, NEW YORK – January 1 came unexpectedly this year, according to top economists, who continue to be surprised by virtually any sort of data whatsoever. These top-rate minds are so narrowly focused on their own issues, apparently, that any sort of input from the outside world has to potential to take them completely unawares.
“It’s totally a shock,” said Dr. Calvin Schulzbarger, who majored in econometrics at Harvard. “I was going along after Christmas this year then: BAM!! the New Year happens a week later. I mean, who could have forseen that?”
However, economists were not alone in their startled reaction to the nascent 2010: party hacks, policy wonks, and sundry university professors across the land were also taken aback.
“Sheesh! I was just getting used to putting ’2009′ on all my checks and correspondence,” said Prof. Juanita DeBeers, who teaches Womynz Studies and also chairs the Irrelevant Subjects Department at the University of Iowa. “This sudden shift in the calendar year is a feeble attempt on the part of the old white male establishment to continue their dominance over womyn, people of color, and several endangered species in the Amazon rain forest. If I weren’t on the way to my slam poetry contest and the recycling center, I’d stay here and prattle about it some more. Excuse me.”
The White House was also cheesed off by this unforeseen development.
“These darned Tea Partiers will stop at nothing to discredit this president and our agenda,” said White House Spokesweasel Robert Gibbs. “I mean, trying to change the year? Simply shameful. I would have expected a more mature approach from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Leon Trotsky, and the rest of the extreme, howling mad, racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic Right. Say do these glasses make my face look fat?”
Just a heads up from JP: Ground Hog Day is coming soon. Economists, academics, and other assorted intellectuals are hereby put on notice.
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hossvarad | 
01 22nd, 2010| 
SOMEWHERE, USA – It has been handed down from On High that the remainder of the month of January shall be called off this year due to lack of interest. Those of you with birthdays from January 23-31, you may celebrate them next year and not age for the next 365 days. Enjoy your special treatment. Also, because January is cold, it will keep well until we need it. If you had something planned, we certainly apologize but calling off the remainder of the month was a decision made by higher ups.
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