hossvarad | 
03 28th, 2010| 
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Mar
27
WASHINGTON, DC – In a stunning admission this week, bi-centenarian Representative John Dingell (D-Mich), revealed several of interesting factoids about the newly-passed ObamaCare law. Among the juicy tidbits that issued forth from Dingell’s mouth were a number of barely-audible words that laid bare the glorious details of the plan.
“This is a good plan,” said the hip, fresh-faced Dingell between hits on his oxygen tank. “This plan will make everyone happy. The IRS is well-loved and they will handle the enforcement. Compulsory things are always popular, too, which is plus. If you need proof of this, just look at the public schools. The kids are always so happy to be there. And the draft. That was cool, too. Also, ObamaCare’s provision that old people be kicked to the curb is nice. I especially like that one, now that I’ve exempted myself.”
After a few mojitos and a diaper change, Dingell continued with the capper:
“The best part of that young negro President’s plan, though,” said the Representative, “is that it allows us to control 300 million American people. That’s my favorite part. I tried to convince Andrew Jackson before to do this, but he wouldn’t hear of it. His domestic agenda was too crammed full of Indian pogroms and forced relocations to make room for a universal, single-payer system. Now, 173 years later, it’s finally a reality!”
After considerable backlash over his comments regarding control of the populace, Dingell issued an amended statement, saying he meant to say Obamacare would finally allow him to control his bladder, not the people. A likely story.
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Mar
24
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Today is a sad day in the long and glorious history of Mother Russia. It seems that the nation is currently experiencing a crisis arising from the least expected source: killer icicles. These heartless, pointy chunks of frozen water have finally had enough, according to JP!’s reporters on the scene, and now they’re out for revenge–skulking about in the large metropolitan areas of the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and preying upon hapless passersby.
Walking along sidewalks in Moscow, St. Petersburg, Petropovlovosk, Murmansk, and other frozen-over cities has become a dangerous affair. Icicles, taking advantage of the coldest winter in three decades, have taken this opportunity to lash out at their Russian masters, killing five people and wounding 147 more in just a few short weeks.
“I was just walking along, listening to the iTunes, past a building in the city centre, you know? Then, they struck without warning!” said Vladimir Lopyanogginov, a local Moscow resident. “It was brutal. After a bit, I was able to fight them off and escape with my life and small wad of Rubles.”
These staggering events have prompted human citizens to demand action against these brutal icy attackers.
“Every day in the streets is like Detroit during the summer, only colder,” complained resident Boris Tudeth, 33. “I’ve got to balance my walking on the slippery sidewalks, you know? Then, from above, I might be attacked by vicious pointy ice. Something must be done!”
Ostensibly helpless against otherwise inanimate objects, Russian townfolk have voiced their outrage to Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, demanding that he punish the wanton icicles without delay.
“They’ve apparently canceled global warming, so that will not help us. Summer is too far away and only lasts for seventeen minutes,” bemoaned another Moscow resident, dressed as a babushka. “This must be stopped now before someone else is hurt or killed.”
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Mar
23
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Obama, the Most Merciful and Beneficent, announced that his entire Health Care Reform effort was really just a practical joke. The President and Vice-Hairplug Joe Biden whooped and cackled, clapping each other on the back and generally mugging it up for the press.
“You should have seen the look on your faces!” hooted Obama, holding his sides. “You were all like… ‘this is the end of America’ and ‘we can’t afford this’ and ‘oh no you didn’t’. Psych! Got cha!”
Biden confirmed Obama’s assessment between peels of laughter. “You folks gotta admit you didn’t see this coming at all! I mean, seriously — we can’t afford this at all. Barry and I are submitting our resumes to Kenya to see if Odinga will hire us next year. The budget’s that tight, kids! Hahaha!”
“There’s too much gloom and doom in America today,” said President Soetoro, still snickering. “We thought this would be the best way to get everybody’s mind off not having a job and laugh a little. Hopefully, they’ll see the humor in what we’ve done over the past year or so. It’s pretty funny, we think.”
After a few moments of stunned silence, the press “corpse” decided to laugh along, giving each other nervous and furtive glances all the while.
One journalist quipped “That was a pretty good gag. Too bad the administration couldn’t have saved the signing ceremony for April Fool’s Day, though. That would have been totally righteous!”
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Mar
17
This time around — pressured by everyone from the Dark Lord Sauron to Gollum – the Cleveland Hobbit had no luxury to dawdle before taking a stance. He announced at a Capitol news conference this morning that he’ll gladly yield to the temptations of the Ring of Power.
“I have doubts about the One Ring,” Frodo said. “This is not a move I wanted to support. . . However, after careful discussions with Boromir, Gollum, and The Dark Lord Sauron, I’ve decided to go for the gusto and embrace the evil of the Ring.”
Those committed to destroying the evil magical artifact pounced quickly. Gandalf the White commented: “Diminutive ring-bearer flips from ‘Good,’ exposes so-called Neutrals.”
The Dark Lord called Frodo’s switch “a good sign.”
“I told him thank you,” said Sauron, speaking through his official mouthpiece.
Frodo’s move came after months of insisting he’d oppose caving to the lure of the One Ring because it didn’t do enough to enslave the minds of men and other creatures with free wills of their own. Frodo advocates bolstering the power of the One Ring and expanding its coverage to include all citizens of Middle Earth.
But Frodo acknowledged this morning that his choice now is to either stay on the quest to Mount Doom and destroy the Ring, and thereby possibly block the biggest (though imperfect) advance in years by the Dark Lord to conquer the free peoples of the lands, or compromise for the good of the hordes of slavering, power-crazed minions who could gain control over every aspect of the daily lives of the elves, dwarves, men, and hobbit folk in the land.
“I have taken this Ring further than any other halfling,” Frodo said, citing his Uncle Bilbo, Merry, and Pippin.
He told those standing around him that if they want to see first-hand the tough moral choices that many free-willed creatures face, they should “come to Mordor and you’ll understand.”
The Dark Lord Sauron personally persuaded Frodo to give in to the power of the One Ring during Frodo’s stay in Shelob’s lair over the weekend.
“I just hope by giving in to the side of evil, the rightful superstar of Middle Earth, Sauron the Great, can move forward with his plans to inflict pain and suffering on everyone in a swift and equitable manner,” said Frodo. “Sorry about your Precious, Gollum. It’s gone home to daddy now.”
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Mar
16
TRENTON, NEW JERSEY – Today, an extremely large group of angry voters gathered around the New Jersey capitol building, demanding the recall of Democratic Senator Robert Menendez, who, in addition to being a slavering toady of the Obama Administration, is apparently too white to have a Spanish surname.
“He’s no Latino,” said Danny Trejo, Hollywood star and the event’s organizer. “How can he call himself ‘Menendez’, man? Look at that guy! He’s whiter than Mr. Rogers! And don’t try to pull that ‘his parents are from Argentina’ crap, either. That don’t wash! Neither does the observation that his eyes are brown. You gots to be brown all around, man! Down with the Mexi-Poser!”
The state’s growing Latin-American community toweled off their backs in time to attend the rally, where Mexican flags were flown, Shakira music was played, and burritos were consumed, as the crowd burned effigies of Menendez wearing “Whitey” t-shirts.
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Mar
15
SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE THE U. S. A. – During her year-long tour of the world outside the United States, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was suddenly struck in the head with a can of mislabeled fruit during her visit to Crapistan. A heckler, apparently outraged that Hillary had ditched her hijab for a manly-looking pink pantsuit, decided to lob a 10 oz. container of pear halves in light syrup at Her Royal Highness, shouting “You are ugly man! Go back to America, Yankee!”
While Mrs. Rodham Clinton was whisked off to the government-controlled medical clinic to receive a Band Aid for her booboo, she continued to prattle on, repeating campaign phrases and secret, inner thoughts intermittently in loud, commanding tones to the medical staff in her ambulance. Word is, no damage was done to Mrs. Clinton’s sizable noggin, although an abnormally-high amount of calcium was found to comprise her skull. Good thing. God speed, Madam Secretary!
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Mar
12
CLEVELAND, OH – During a return trip to his home near Cleveland, Ohio, Representative Frodo Baggins demonstrated various techniques for practicing “Safe Speak” when using a microphone.
“You never know if the person who last used your mic had swine flu, ebola, or what,” said Frodo. “So before you ram that filament in your mouth and do the dirty deed with it–I mean speak to your audience with it–you should be sure that it is properly disinfected and perhaps covered with a latex barrier of some sort. You can’t be to careful, y’know?”
Truly words to live by. Thank you, Rep. Baggins.
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Mar
10
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI & DETROIT, MICHIGAN – It was decided today by a razor-thin 5-4 decision of the Kansas City, Missouri, school board that the district should immediately move toward implementing “school-less districts” in order to minimize costs and maximize teacher profits. Thus, the district agreed to close down over half of the existing schools in the district as an opening salvo, citing “poor attendance” and “high utility costs” as reasons.
Naturally, a lot of parents in the district were unhappy, claiming that their built-in day care system was threatened and that they might have to actually look at their kids once in a while if the district continued apace in its new efforts to “keep our kids from learnin’ good”. After all, the KCMO school district is famous for its Nobel Prize winners, astrophysicists, linguistics professors, and top-flight political analysts.
Not to be left out, Detroit, Michigan, countered with its own “cost cutting” measure, shutting down 45 schools in its district–a number even greater than Kansas City was willing to cut.
“We’re not going to be beaten by those losers in Kansas,” said Dr. Whatsit Jones of the Detroit School District. “We can shut down things faster than anyone else in the country. Just look at our state revenues: down. Look at our manufacturing base: all but gone. Why should our school be left behind? Don’t even try to beat us, Superintendent Covington! We’re Motown and we RULE!”
Other districts across the nation are pondering similar measures, believing that no schools at all will yield the highest possible income for NEA members without all the unnecessary strain of pretending to teach children.
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Mar
8
WASHINGTON, DC – White House Chief of “Staff”, Rahm “Dead Fish” Emmanuel, was outed today by retiring Representative Eric Massa (D-NY), who claims that the Chicago goon confronted him in the Congressional showers to “give him a little poke”. Emmanuel, who is noted for his put-downs of the mentally challenged (Obama and his brother, Easykill, excepted), purple prose-ridden tirades, and being the poor-man’s George Clooney in the looks department, ostensibly confronted Massa about his “No” vote on President Barack Hussein Ali Baba Siddiqui al Nouri Obama’s CommieCare bill, currently stalled in the House of Representatives. However, things took an unexpected twist when Emmanuel decided to start poking Massa with parts unknown.
“The dude was, like, totally naked, man,” said Massa today, recounting the traumatic event. “He came up to me, Barry White playing in the background, and started to poke me while we were both naked in the showers, dude. And I thought he was missing a finger, too. Didn’t seem like it to me at the time!”
Massa then went on to describe the glassy-eyed Emmanuel as “the spawn of Satan”, “pure, unadulterated evil”, and “a pretty poor dancer”. Representative Massa intends to resign from Congress soon, but is thinking of posting the video of the event on YouTube even sooner.
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Mar
5
WASHINGTON, DC – Shrieker of the House, Nancy “Edward” Pelosi gave a lengthy
presentation to those gathered on Capitol Hill today, demonstrating the correct way to
take a drag from a joint. Much like her beloved colleague, Health and Inhuman Services
Secretary Kathleen Sibelius, Speaker Pelosi has taken a hands-on approach to instructing
congressmen how to puff a blunt without looking stupid or without drawing undue
attention from the po-po.
“Marijuana cigarettes are a valuable asset to our Washington-based community,” said the Shrieker.
“Knowing how to properly toke not only saves lives, it creates jobs, heals our environment,
and makes you more popular with black people. So it’s really a win-win-win. But you can’t
go around huffing on it like some kinda Poindexter. Feel me?”
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Mar
3
THE WHITE HOUSE – In a well-choreographed song and dance number today, President Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama, accompanied by a hand-picked group of White House staffers dressed as doctors, make an impassioned plea for Americans sign over the rest of their freedoms to the Omnibenevolent Federal Government of the United States (OFGUS). The three-hour infomercial for Cuba-style medical “treatment” included two mixmasters, three DJs, and a host of back-up dancers dressed as doctors. Dubbed Barry and the Lab Coats, the spellbinding multimedia performance included all of Barack Obama’s hits, including “One Way Or Another”, “Let’s Talk About Me”, “My Way”, “It’s the Same Old Song”, “Money”, and “Would I Lie To You?”.
Those still skeptical about Obamacare should bear in mind that the newly-renewed Patriot Act allows Barry and his Chicago friends to tap your phones, intercept your emails, and make appropriate fashion choices for you, so you might as well get on board now. Rahm Emmanuel’s still up there, guys. He’s got plenty of dead fish. Just sayin’.
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