hossvarad | 
04 30th, 2010| 
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Apr
22
TEHRAN, IRAN – The most exalted President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, leader of the tiny nation of Iran, announced this week that his country’s nuclear arsenal was well underway. Having purchased outmoded spare delivery systems secretly from the former Soviet Union, the Islamic Republic has gleefully intoned that they will soon have an atomic missile capable of reaching the United States by 2015. This would make it the: Slowest. Missile. Ever.
When confronted with this ominous news, the United States’ Muslim Sympathizer in Chief, President Barack Hussein Siddiqui Al-Moukhtar Obama, downplayed the threat, stating “Our policy of doing nothing about emergent rogue atomic states will remain in place. After all, by the time that really slow missile from Iran gets here, you could just move out of its way. Problem solved. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to the links. Tee off is in fifteen minutes.”
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Apr
17
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND – The big news coming out of northern Europe these days comes from the tiny island nation of Iceland, who have declared geothermic warfare on the rest of the world. Since they are short on army, navy, and nuclear weapons, Iceland has decided to harness the power of the earth itself in order to make its economic and political displeasure known.
“We’ve exhausted every conventional means known to us,” said one Icelandic Member of Parliament (MP). “Now, we have been forced to bring [former U.S. President] George W. Bush to our shores to unleash the forces of nature as only he can. We regret having to take such drastic measures but nobody would even pay attention to us if we didn’t!”
Calling on several top-level officials in Iceland’s Secret Volcanic Defense Force (ISVDF), the launch codes were quickly compiled. As a result, Mount Somethinginicelandic has finally blown its top, belching forth a colossal ash cloud into the Earth’s atmosphere. Besides being very impressive to look at, this billowing debris from Mother Earth’s lower intestines has hampered travel, trade, and tourism all across the European Union (EU) and to points as far south as the United Arab Emirates (that’s near Africa, kids).
The Prime Minister of Iceland (PMI) declared the volcanic eruption to be the first in a number of seismic salvos in retaliation for the EU’s refusal to print more worthless money to bail out the economy of the small Scandinavian nation.
“The leaders of the EU need to realize that we are not Greece. We are the descendants of Vikings and stuff and we will not tolerate being given the cold shoulder by minor, insignificant nations like Britain, France, and Germany. We demand the right to continue to spend wildly on welfare programs and cod fishing as we see fit. It is the duty of the other member nations of the EU to bail us out when we run out of funny money,” said the irate PMI. “Other attacks will be forthcoming if our demand for 40 billion euros is not met soon. We figure if it works for those rabid jihadists, it should work for us, too. Besides, we’ve got a lot of geothermal energy here just going to waste heating outdoor hot springs and such. Time to make better use of our natural resources.”
Needless to say, other nations around the world were mildly inconvenienced by the eruption of Mt. Somethinginicelandic. Air travel has become impossible, breathing air has become hazardous, and people in France have had to wait a long time at train stations to move about their own country.
“Overall, it’s just bad sportsmanship,” said British PM of the Moment, Gordon Brown. “Now, we’ve got to reschedule a lot of flights, football matches and meaningless, money-wasting international peace conferences. Something must be done about Iceland. Perhaps the UN could draft a polite ‘cease and desist’ letter?”
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Apr
15
WASHINGTON, DC – Today, the Omnipotent Leader of the Known Universe, the Most Exalted President Barack Hussein Obama, claimed that people of the United States should be thanking him for basically bankrupting the country. With his usual BBC travelogue voice-over delivery, he intoned that the beleaguered American middle class really had it good with his policies and that each person in the country should be offering to clean The White House with their tongues as a show of gratitude for his benevolence.
In response, hundreds of thousands of supporters rallied around the country, bringing out their hand-painted signs, their children, and their copies of the Communist Manifesto, to cheer and rally around Obama’s agenda of taking over everything in the country.
The news media were dutifully on hand at more than half a dozen such events scattered across the fruited plain to report on the festive proceedings, noting the variety of poorly-spelled signs, mis-matched outfits, and other superficial twaddle that passes for good, solid news reporting these days.
“We love taxes,” said one rallier, dressed in his Che Guevara garb. “And internment camps. Those are great, too!”
Placards at several of the massive pro-socialist demonstrations were also kind of fun to read. Some of the more notable ones: “Tread on Me”, “Not Taxed Enough Already”, “I (Heart) Big Brother”, “Socialism: It’s Mostly Social, Not So Much ‘Ism’”, “Is It April 15th Yet?”, “Take My Stuff To Its Rightful Owners!”, “Please Tell Me What To Do”, and “Spend My Earnings Wisely”.
Next year’s rallies promise to be even larger, since the cost of living is expected to increase due to devaluation of the dollar, a possible Cap & Trade tax hike, and the implementation of a European-style VAT. American citizens, who love not going to the movies, taking vacations, or sending their kids to college, are expected to respond in kind, demonstrating an even greater outpouring of affection for President Obama’s inevitable tax hikes.
“Really, I don’t get why he hasn’t just raised taxes to 100% already,” said Harris Lund, a 9-11 Truther and former Air America talk show host. “I mean, if 50% or more feels this good, why not crank the pleasure-ometer up to the max?”
“Why should the rich have all the fun?” said Paul A. Smith, a tax accountant and former go-go dancer from Nevada. “I used to think that soaking them would help things along in this country, but now that I’ve had my taxes increased, I feel so alive! I want more, more, more of my income to go to noteworthy government projects!”
“There’s nothing like having your wages forcibly taken and given to a bunch of the President’s political cronies,” said Amanda Lipscombe, age 13, a prostitute and aerobics instructor from East Los Angeles, California. As she continued smoking her cigarette, she said “I wouldn’t know what to do with all that cash, anyway. I mean, what do I know about my own wants and needs that the government doesn’t? They’re smarter, too. They went to Harvard and stuff.”
Our reporters on the scenes noted there was a palpable tinge of excitement in the air, hoping that the U.S. federal government would inflict even higher taxes on everyone by this time next year. By next April 15, the rallies thanking the President should be even larger.
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Apr
7
WASHINGTON, DC – Democrats have launched a new “financial reform” bill targeting Wall Street fat cats. The poster-firm for this new regulatory assault is none other than Goldman-Sachs, widely recognized as the AAA team to the Democrats’ major league cabal of embarrassments.The recently-vilified corporation has provided the left-wing party with such luminaries as Robert Rubin, Chris Dodd, Jon Corzine, and even President Barack Hussein Obama himself, among many others.
While some have questioned the initiative of biting the hand that feeds them so many campaign dollars, President Obama has insisted Goldman-Sachs is no longer necessary, since the Democrats can now recruit talented socialist candidates from all across the globe.
“We’re taking this thing international,” said the President. “Sure, Goldman’s going to take a hit, but who really cares? They gave me nearly a billion dollars to win the election, so they’re yesterday’s news. I won. Let me be clear. But I digress. Anyway, we will now recruit funds and candidates from other, trod-upon nations around the world such as Venezuela, Cuba, North Korea, Iran, and even Kenya. Oops! Strike that last one, would you?”
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Apr
4
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA – In order to shore up it’s seemingly perennially beleaguered late night talk show, NBC announced today that it will be moving to an all-new format of “host for a year”. This new, dynamic formula, crafted by the finest minds in late night television broadcasting, is the result of the staggering success of Conan O’Brien, who hosted the popular “Tonight Show” for about six months or so, then, the return of Jay Leno, who also had his own show for a little bit.
Needless to say, the off-set hi jinks were far more entertaining than the material created by the shows’ respective writers. Now, the network big wigs have finally struck what amounts to TV gold: why not have other, liberal, unfunny hosts on for a little bit of time each? It could be like soup of the day, only with with hosts and longer periods of time!
“This is the opportunity of a lifetime!” said Mort Bergman, an exec at NBC who changed his name for the purposes of our interview. “Imagine who all we could get: Michael Moore, Bill Maher, Helen Hunt, Larry King, Tim Robbins, and even big-time celebrities like Hillary Rodham Clinton! We can hardly wait and, frankly, the availability of some of these talents is increasing daily. We’ll have our pick of the has-been litter!”
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Apr
2
This vid is cheesy, but hysterical. We’ve collected several Peace Prizes recently, just getting ready for work. Tip o’ the fez to Steven Crowder for this lovely “rap video” send up!
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