Junk Panic!

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, Mexican President Felipe Jose Ramirez Jimenez Ulloa Calderon, addressed a joint session of Congress at the Capitol — a rare occasion that was described as “neato-riffic” by the media covering the event. Over the course of his seemingly-interminable speech, President Calderon urged for a number of things, blamed the United States for some other things, and tried his best to ignore still other, much more hypocritical things.

However, the dueling gists of the affair were as follows: If the U.S. had tighter border security, Mexico wouldn’t have to deal with all those American guns that keep winding up in the drug cartels’ hands; and that he, Felipe Calderon, would make a pretty good U.S. president come 2012.

“I have just as many official U.S. documents your current president does, so I figured: what the heck? Why not run for President of the United States? I mean, you’d be silly not to, right? Of course, I might have some troubles with Gordon Brown and Jacques Chirac in the primaries, but we’ll see. Felipe will be ready!”

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We just wanted to take this opportunity to warn our readers to beware the Ides of May. Thank you. And be careful out there!

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A scene from downtown Port au Prince, Haiti, just after–or was it before–the earthquake. It’s anyone’s guess, really….

PORT AU PRINCE, HAITI – Just a few short weeks following the epic earthquake that killed tens of thousands of Haitians in their native land (that would be Haiti for those of you with Harvard degrees), the tiny island nation has stopped receiving any coverage in the news. When news investigators at JunkPanic! broached the subject with our colleagues in the Jurassic Press, they said it was because it was all but impossible to tell whether images taken were before or after the seismic disaster.

“Let’s face it,” said our anonymous source, Chris Matthews. “Nobody can tell what is earthquake damage and what was just normal Haitian infrastructure. Sure they have no electricity, no roads, and no clean water now. They didn’t have it then! Who can tell what needs replacing? Besides, Obama’s golfing today and I feel another tingle coming on….”

Other journalists concur with Matthews’ assessment of the situation, saying their on-the-scene reporters were tired of roughing it with the destitute Haitian people and were ready to get back to their cocktail mixers in Washington, DC.

“Even with power, this country would be pretty darn awful,” said Anderson Cooper, a former host of a pseudo-news show on a defunct cable channel. “The climate’s nice, and you could probably grow citrus fruit here, but I’d rather be back in the studio, reading stuff from a screen to my mom and that other viewer. Let’s face it: it’s real hard to talk French and avoid getting the plague at the same time.”

Relief teams, having cleared the last of the impromptu roadblocks made from the bodies of the victims, beat a hasty retreat from the country as soon as the cameras weren’t looking.

“It got to the point where you couldn’t distinguish the stench of the dead from that of the refugees in the tent cities,” said one worker. “Pretty grim. Anyway, since the news has moved on to that oil spill, we can get our buns outta here and nobody will even notice. The cold hard facts are this: whether we pay attention to it or not, earthquake or not, Haiti still sucks!”

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LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA – Students from the McNeese State University School of the Arts ventured down to Holly Beach, Louisiana today to stage a protest against the ongoing oil spill clean-up efforts. Despite President Obama’s immediate and compassionate response to the burgeoning ecological disaster, many in Louisiana feel that the gushing oil gives the otherwise brackish waters of the Gulf of Mexico a high-gloss sheen that is “pretty” and “artistic”.

“The government just has no sense of style,” said Martin Roubideaux, a seventh-year senior at MSU. “When the sun hits the water just right, you can see a panoply of colors erupt from surface like a neon fractal. It’s magnificent! Now, they want to take that all away and that just flat-out sucks!”

When confronted with the impact on the Louisiana economy and the supply of fresh fish and shrimps from the Gulf, another student retorted “Beauty trumps seafood.”

The loose-knit, highly-chaotic group plan to take their protests to the capital city of Baton Rouge and, eventually, Washington, DC, later on. That is, if they can sell enough artwork to raise the money to travel. In the meantime, they have encouraged other aesthetically-minded Americans to “enjoy the colors” that the spill provides.

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WASHINGTON, DC – The United States’ Department of Health Scares and Human Disservices issued a statement today, saying that they had “way too many doses of H1N1 vaccine left” following the non-pandemic of the disease. Assistant to the assistant secretary of something or another, Betty Bates, said that truckloads of the stuff were still sitting in warehouses all over the country, gathering dust and losing potency.

To combat the rampant surplus of millions of doses of the unneeded vaccine, the government is offering to give away doses as a promotional item for people who fill out their 2010 census form.

“This is a great way to take care of two issues at one time,” said Bates, huffing glue from a paper sack. “We have too many doses of swine flu vaccine and a growing number of people who refuse to answer our all-too-personal questions on the census. By giving away free vials of the H1N1 inoculation to those who tell us everything about themselves, we will resolve both concerns.”

So far, there have been no takers, but the Department remains optimistic and have hired 5,000 new government workers in anticipation of the rush.

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Thousands of illegals took to the streets of Los Angeles today, hoisting pro Socialist International banners and pictures of the omni-benevolent Che Guevara. The purpose? To protest perceived injustices in the United States. Choosing May Day, a flagrantly Communist occasion to voice their grievances, was somewhat of a masterstroke for Raul “Not That Raul” Castro, a self-styled “barrio organizer” and Saul Alinsky acolyte, who managed the entire event online from his home in Malibu.

Speaking through an interpreter, Castro addressed the crowd in his native English:

“You guys are really smelly! But more importantly, you are really mad! And I don’t blame you! Anyway, thanks for coming out today. Please see my associates at the table over there in order to get your free 32 oz. soft drink vouchers.”

Castro then went on to present the group’s reasons for further screwing up the traffic patterns in LA: “We Latinos are fed up, you know? We come to America for a better life and what do we get? Blatant racism, blatant capitalism, and blatant blatantism. For starters, the streets are too clean. This alienates many Mexicans almost immediately. Second, American beer names were too hard to pronounce for native Spanish speakers. Third, many of our people have unreliable cable channels and have to rely on regular TV some times. Fourth, Arizona stinks. How dare they enforce their laws? Fifth, the food in America is way too bland! And finally, where are the open drug cartel shootouts in the street? All this lack of shootings and kidnappings is really disorienting for most of us marching here today.”

Castro then went on to say that life in Mexico was a lot better, but it was just too far south for many illegals to walk home. Then, the protest dispersed for a well-deserved siesta.

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