To celebrate three hundred (300) posts of utter mayhem, we proudly inflict this picture on you, our loyal reader. Yes, reader. Singular. That’s not a typo. Anyways, enjoy Mr. Mascara and his amazing stretchy moobs!
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In a rally in favor of the Mosque at Ground Zero(tm), practitioners of the Religion of Peace(tm) have gathered to show their love and compassion for everything in the world…. except juice. Protesters who are sick and tired of drinking veggies and fruit have finally voiced their displeasure, calling for an end to all juice.
Crudely-made signs were held aloft, coupled with chants of “Hey, hey, ho, ho – fruity juice has got to go!” echoing through the concrete canyons of the Big Apple, which ironically, can be made into juice.
“Juice is bad!” shouted Ibrahim Al-Maktoum, a life-long goat milk advocate from nearby Yonkers. “All the filthy, stinking juice should be eliminated from the Middle East, Brooklyn, Florida, and other places where it can be found!”
The Juice Growers of America have raised concerns over possible hate speech involved, but Muslim lawyers in some other sandy country said the demonstrators were merely expressing their inner culinary tastes. However, many Islamic nations have joined the cause, calling for the speedy destruction of all juice, as well as the nation of Israel, which apparently, has a very good supply of juice.
“There is too much juice in Israel,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, smirkin’ like a gherkin. “Islamic peoples of the world are sick of evil juice and we will not rest until everyone is drinking coffee, tea, or goat milk. Boo to the juice!”
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA – Not everything in America is going to crap during the Obama Presidency. At least not according to Les Gunderson, a life-long West Chester resident. Gunderson, who had terminal lymphoma and was confined to his home for the past several years due to other medical conditions, suddenly started feeling better last Thursday while watching re-runs of the President’s lasted excursion to the golf course.
“It was a very strange feeling,” said Gunderson, recalling the miraculous day. “I was just watching President Obama struggling to get back down to fifty under par on the seventh hole and the words just popped into my head ‘yes, you can’. I thought it was just a bit of undigested beef or something, but then I heard it again louder, along with ‘touch your TV’. So I did. And I was healed!”
Indeed, after further medical evaluation, Les was cleared of all previously-existing medical conditions and given a clean bill of health from his family’s doctor.
“Just think! I can go back to playing rugby again!” said an elated Gunderson to our JP! reporters on the scene. “And I owe it all to President Obama’s playing golf! I sure do feel better now!”
However, Mr. Gunderson was not alone. Reports have been coming in from all over the country, saying other long-time Democrats have been similarly healed by Obama’s 300-stroke golf games on TV. Surely, with such miraculous healings occurring all across the land, the President should continue to golf before turning his attention to petty ecological disasters in the southern part of fly-over country.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (OR WHEREVER) – “Actress/Singer” Miley Cyrus, daughter of one-hit wonder Billy Ray Cyrus, has come under some scrutiny lately for her rapidly deteriorating image as a wholesome role model for young girls. Various internet photos have been leaked of Ms. Cyrus in various stages of undress, many ostensibly taken by Miley herself. Of course, the pole dancing routines, street walking, and “Make Me An Offer” tattoo on her cleavage haven’t done much to prolong her image as wholesome family entertainment, either.
The latest source of brouhaha centered around the former Hannah Montana star involves her latest album, I Can’t Be Tamed, and associated music videos, where she is apparently slutting it up like her predecessors, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and Mae West (that last one’s for the older folks in the crowd). These allegations have apparently struck a nerve with Miley, who has come forward to defend herself.
“I am not slutty!” said Ms. Cyrus in a recent interview. “I can flash my body parts around in public if I want to. It’s a free country. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m doing my own thing. Just like everybody else.”
A spokesperson for Miley Cyrus has added to her comments, stating the seventeen-year-old is not projecting an image of a typical trampy ho. Rather, she is presenting an alternative vision of wholesomeness for the public’s careful consideration. The fact that she cannot sing or act or dance should not be used as an excuse to make light of her career choices or to cast aspersions upon her deeply-held, core family values. The spokesperson went on to add that lap dances from Ms. Cyrus will be available for backstage pass holders during Miley’s upcoming “Me So Raunchy! Tour”.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA – President Barack Mufti Hussein Obama took time from his busy golfing and dining schedule to visit the Gulf Coast this week. However, unlike last visit where he spent three grueling hours on the beach taste-testing tar balls, the President brought along some new technology to help turn the oily tide.
“This may look like just an ordinary drinking straw to most of you non-Harvard graduates here today,” said President Soetoro, holding aloft a dark-colored drinking pipette. “However, this is actually a high-tech filtration device that has been proven to remove petroleum waste from water. It will also remove all alcohol from Bushwackers and other adult beverages.”
The President continued: “You see, you just stick one end of the straw in your beverage–or in your case, the Gulf Coast waters–and drink normally. Ahh! What a delicious beverage! Now, FEMA will be down here in a year or so with about three hundred million of these things, handing them out in exchange for your personal information. Then, since you all suck anyway, you can just slurp up the oily contaminates from the water before they reach Arkansas. All the oil just gets trapped in the straw, passing the pure, naturally salinated gulf water into your intestines for further filtering. Genius, ain’t it? Rahm and I have stock in the company that makes these and–wouldn’t you know it?–they’ve just landed a lucrative government contract. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some more vacationing to do before I blame BP and capitalism for all of this….”
Barry then proceeded to drink some more mojitos, Bushwhackers, mai tais, and other assorted drinks to further prove the straw’s efficacy… with mixed results.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – While his campaign for U.S. Senate may have stalled in the oil-slicked waters off the coast of his state, Governor Charlie Crist took time out from his tanning sessions to show other Floridians how to make out with random women. Starting with his wife at the Crist campaign headquarters, the governor then proceeded to plant big, sloppy smooches on his female aides, supporters, and passersby — about twelve women in total.
“If you can’t make out with whatever woman you want to, what’s the point of living in Florida?” said Crist.
When asked if he was worried about potential sexual harassment lawsuits, the governor was indifferent: “Let’s face it. My political career is pretty much over. That Marco Rubio character is younger, handsomer, more bilingual-er, and almost as tan as me, which puts my entire election effort as an independent firmly in the ‘waste of time’ category. Plus, he says a lot of stuff that most folks in Florida agree with and I don’t. That’s also working against me.”
Crist went on to explain that he’d been phoning in his duties in light of his impending ouster as governor this fall and nearly inevitable loss to Rubio for U.S. Senate.
“So let’s eat, drink, and be merry while I can still expense it out to the taxpayers of this great state!” said Crist. “And don’t forget to kiss a stranger. Those college kids have hogged the mononucleosis for far too long! Woo-hoo!”
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
CARACAS, VENEZUELA – In light of her inability to hit notes and generally perform her back catalog of songs, the increasingly bloated and drug-dependent Whitney Houston called off the South American leg of her tour. The former superstar cited fatigue, amnesia, and Bobby Brown Proximity Syndrome as her reasons for abandoning the loyal throngs of Whitney-Heads on that continent.
Disappointed that the show would not go on, Venezuelan socialist dictator Hugo Chavez decided to don the tight-fitting black spandex and continue Ms. Houston’s tour throughout South America (read Venezuela). His seventeen-night Mandatory Attendance Tour kicked off this evening in Caracas, the country’s capitol, where he belted out a medley of Houston hits, including “How Will I Know?”, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, “Queen of the Night”, and “I Will Always Love You”. The last one was technically a cover version of Whitney’s cover version of Dolly Parton’s hit, but hey, who’s counting?
The opening night performance was beset with applause signs and gentle “reminders” from the national police force to applaud, even though Mr. Chavez’s intonation was second to a tone-deaf turtle. Despite the music shortcomings and his back-up band’s constant over-reliance on reverb and flanging effects, Chavez managed to complete his first three-hour performance in just under four hours. Costuming was elegant, if a bit on the bawdy side, and the pyrotechnics consisted of flak cannons opening fire on imaginary U.S. spy planes at various random intervals.
For the finale, Mr. Chavez grabbed up two children from the audience and screamed a high note in their faces for about a minute and half. The entire, heart-rending episode was captured for posterity on national TV. The DVD will be available next month, along with a double CD live album entitled “Hugo Sings Houston! Live in Caracas!” Amazon.com is now taking pre-orders so get your copy while you can.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
WASHINGTON, DC – Yesterday, President Barack “Barry Soetoro” Obama, defended his lack of action viz-a-viz the oil spill catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico on national television. In his usual cure-for-insomnia tones, President Obama said “I don’t sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar; we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.”
The President’s comments, intended to give him a “tough guy” image, only managed to enrage animal rights activists around the country, who are demanding Obama apologize to the country’s sizable asinine population for his violent and insensitive remarks against them.
“I couldn’t believe my ears!” said Dr. Judith Huff, director of the Asinine Association of America. “Why would the President incite violence against these beautiful creatures? It’s just not right and Mr. Obama should apologize right away!”
So far, the White House has not issued a retraction, apology, or clarification over the “ass kicking” comment. The donkeys of America are waiting.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – Upon hearing the sad news that anti-Jewish bigot Helen Thomas was retiring after a mere 113 years in the White House Press Corpse, hundreds of Islamic jihadists took to the streets of Manhattan to hold a candlelight vigil in honor of their fallen heroine. Dressed in their traditional, flowing garb, Muslims of all ages clasped hands and swayed in the moonlight, singing traditional love songs and ballads of the Islamic faith.
“This is a very sad day for Islam,” said Safiyya Ul Haq, finishing off her ham and cheese sandwich. “Mrs. Thomas has long been a supporter of the Palestinian peoples, who only fire their rockets at Israeli children out of a deep desire for peace. Why couldn’t the American pigs have just taken her advice and helped the Jewish scum to evacuate the homeland of the poor, defenseless, peace-loving Palestinian people?”
Other attendees shared Ms. Ul Haq’s attitude and love of chili cheese fries.
“Why can’t they just go back to Germany and Poland? I hear the weather is nice there this time of year,” said Gulam al Siddiqui Rehman, operator of a roadside mosque in Queens. “Mrs. Thomas was only trying to help out. Anyway, this vigil will help raise awareness for something and that’s why I’m here. Have you heard about the mosque we’re building at ground zero? That’s going to be so cool!”
The vigil went on for a few more hours, culminating in the burning of King David in effigy. Shouts of “Allahu Ackbar” and “death to the Jewish pigs!” echoed lovingly into the night sky as the participants in the vigil for Mrs. Thomas dispersed to their homes.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA – Tonight, in an intimate political rally, soon-to-be-former Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, sits sadly at a piano bench, idly playing a wistful melody at the VFW hall’s slightly out-of-tune upright piano. The seventeen or so onlookers who had come by for the “live band” and community chili supper shook their heads sadly in disbelief while Crist’s bodyguards, roadies, and other political magpies circled around the stage, shouting “Go! Charlie, go!” and other such enthusiastic nonsense.
After about a half hour, Mr. Crist leaned over his microphone to address the people assembled in the hall. “You know, folks. I’m playing some sad songs tonight. Why? Because I’m a lonely guy.”
Indeed, attendance at Crist’s political rallies went from tepid to apathetic to non-existent in just a two-month time span. After hugging the increasingly-unpopular President Obama in public, saying he was for more stimulus money, and basically making an ass out of himself as a Republican, the newly-independent Crist decided to tour the state backed up by a three-piece jazz combo to raise awareness for his flagging campaign. Due to the mixed results of the Charlie Crist “So Tan It Hurts Tour, 2010″, he has vowed to add dancing naked dwarf jugglers on unicycles to the act and give out free lifetime subscriptions to the Miami Herald to anyone who will just come by, say “hi”, and give ol’ Charlie a hug.
Stay tuned for Senator Marco Rubio.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
“Be sure not to focus much on Harry, OK?”
DESERT DOOM, NV – Seeing that his bid for re-election is in serious jeopardy, Senate Majority Leader Harry “Pitts” Reid called in a true professional for a total, last-minute, emergency image makeover: First Lady Michelle Obama.
Known for her ability to brighten up a room with her gracious smile and effervescent charms, Mrs. Obama gladly answered the call by donning the most retina-searing get-up possible and jumping the first publicly-funded flight out of DC to Desert Doom, Nevada, to help. Upon arriving, she and Mr. Reid played a game of patty-cake in the desert for about six or seven minutes before Harry forgot where he was and Michelle stormed off to the plane to fly away.
“At this point, I don’t even know who my opponent is going to be,” said Reid. “There are so many people polling better than I am, I kinda lose track of who they all are. Hell! I’m likely to vote for one of them myself. Anyway, Limbaugh is evil and everyone should be happy about their Soviet-style medical system that we’ve installed. Vote for me!”
Since no-one was present to witness this except the pilot who took the picture, it is unclear whether or not this will give Senator Reid a bump in the polls. Nevertheless, the entire event was deemed a success.
Like JunkPanic? Share it with others!
How Many States Are There in the United States?
Total Voters: 0
Loading ...
hossvarad | 
06 30th, 2010| 
