WASHINGTON, DC – Today, First Lady Michelle Obama launches an all initiative to combat people that are fat in America. Dubbed the “War on Obesity”, the new campaign flies in the face of traditional liberal claims that there are starving masses lurking on every block in the United States, but the First Lady’s hired crew of pom pon waivers have encouraged her to damn the torpedoes and plow, full-speed ahead. After all, what’s good for the Titanic is good for her husband’s administration, right?
“People are too fat!” said Michelle Obama, standing before a select group of trim and in-shape journalists. “And fat is bad. Barack is skinny. Skinny is good. People should stop eating so that Barack can get something to eat once in a while without having to fly off to New York City or Chicago or Copenhagen or whatever.”
As the journalists cheered enthusiastically and called out for her to do her trademark song, “I Feel Good”, the First Lady continued.
“For months now, I’ve been forced by Rahm and others to keep my mouth shut about this vital issue, but if the attempted panty bombing on Christmas Day has taught us anything, it’s that fat is a national security issue. If we ever hope to be free of terrorism, we must first learn that our eating habits have enraged countless Muslims and other Third Worlders to the point of trying to blow up planes. And that is bad. Very bad. Now, everyone will have to eat beans and ramen and stuff from my front-yard garden or else my husband’s private security force will come and strip-search your grandma for bombs. Anyway, if you are fat, you’ve been put on notice. We’ve requisitioned a whole boxcar load of latex-free examination gloves and we’ll be watching you, you eaters!”
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