DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Agents close to the giant, pulsing disembodied brain that controls the terrorist organization known as “Hamas” have just recently published a press release, stating that the paramilitary Islamic group is creating a help desk to aid aspiring terrorists with their continuing jihad efforts. It is hoped this new group of highly-trained customer care experts, collectively known as the Hamas Help Line, will be a boon to the illiterate throngs of Muslims who can’t not read good and require additional assistance from live telephone operators.
“It’s good to know that, if I have trouble assembling a bomb in my Speedo that Hamas Help Line is there,” said Syed Ahmed Husseini, 13. “Sometimes, I can’t read the diagrams and with one quick call, I know one of our fanatic friends can talk me through the tough stuff.”
In addition to offering assistance with bomb making, Hamas Help Line can also aid aspiring jihadists with picking the right kaffiyeh, field-stripping and re-assembling machine guns, riding surfboards into air craft carriers, publishing pro-death screeds, filming beheadings of GI Joe dolls, reading the happy parts of the Koran, or just making an origami swan now and then.
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