BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – In light of the passing of the irrepressible and indomitable John “Effing” Kerry, a local taxidermist shop in Boston has had the long-time legislator frozen in an “action pose” in accordance with the late senator’s last will and testament. The pose, which family members, artists, and other befuddled onlookers have called “the bewildered thinker” was used rather than Kerry’s more infamous “Blue Steel” or “Magnum” looks.
“This is just so awful,” sniffed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger, impersonating Zsa-Zsa Gabor. “One moment he was just sitting there talking in his lifeless way and then he was just… lifeless. It took me three weeks to notice! I’m so ashamed. Now, I’m going to have to go shopping to overcome my grief.”
The preserved corpse of the former junior senator from the Bay State will be on display at the Commonwealth Museum through the month of December, after which, it will be moved to a broom closet in Chuck Shumer’s Alpine villa, where it truly belongs.
UPDATE: It appears John Kerry isn’t dead after all. He was just stymied again. Our bad. We especially regret any inconvenience this story may have caused the formerly widowed Teresa Heinz-Kerry-Goldigger. We’ll send you a case of ketchup, ok?
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