PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Recently, the Chinese government in Peking banned the use of the term “Fatty” to refer to the North Korean dictator. Deeming the term to be disrespectful, the Chinese Communists also said that their puppet ruler north of the 38th parallel should not be called any number of weight-enhanced monikers, including, but not limited to: “Chunko”, “El Gordo”, “Lardy”, “Fats”, “Megaflabs”, “Jong-un the Rotund”, and so forth.
Given the fact that the prepubescent world leader would probably freak out and nuke China in a confused rage, this was probably more of a preemptive self-defense move on China’s part than an act of state censorship. Following the lead of his more capable and socially-acceptable fellow travelers, the imperious leader decided to be more proactive, creating a book of “approved nicknames” that the North Koreans and the international community are allowed to use in reference to His Doughy Dudeness.
Included in the citizens’ manual entitled Kim Jong-un: Fit to Rule – What You May or May Not Say in Reference To Dear Leader are his many official titles, such as “Marshal of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea”, “First Chairman of the National Defense Commission”, “First Secretary of the Workers’ Party”, as well as shorter, snappier names like “Cherub in Chief”, “Magnanimous Munchkin”, and “That One Guy Who Eats Regularly”. Universal compliance with Jong-un’s latest egocentric whims (as expressed in these new, poorly-spelled new guidelines) is expected by the end of the week.
To pitch his ideas, the Communist leader has taken to the late night airwaves, pitching his small, black leather bound tome with all the pluck, warmth, and good humor that Jong-un’s dynastic family are known for. Sporting his Mao wannabe hair and the latest in Goodwill Store fashions, the ad relies on scantily-clad Korean ladies standing in front of a battery of missiles and grim-faced soldiers with sub machine guns.
“We know you’re going to love it because you are compelled to!” sings the slogan as various flattering images of Kim and the North Korean flag are flashed across the screen.
“This is really the next evolution in propriety,” said Jong-un, speaking through a translator. “People feel the most secure when they are told what to think and do. This book clears away the confusion related to me and gives folks options on what to say when they refer to their leader. Other nations can also use this as a manual for ways to massage my ego.”
The book is eight pages in length, written by hand in crayon and will retail for $39.99.