POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – In a recent study released by the American Center for Really Fat People Studies today, researchers have come across a startling discovery: heavier children are more difficult to abduct than children who have a steady diet of healthy foods.
“Their low center of gravity, coupled with a higher overall weight makes these pudgy little people quite difficult to dead lift,” said Dr. Lance O’Boyle of the ACRFPS. “Many of our lab techs managed to strain their lower backs during the study’s many simulated kidnapping experiments. They have reported that skinnier and even malnourished children are far more ‘comfortable’ targets to lift and carry away in a hurry.”
As a consequence, concerned parents across the nation have signed on to feed their children as many fattening foods as possible to make their child less desirable targets for potential abductors.
“My little Jimmy weighs 115 now,” said Mrs. Evelyn Thornton, one of said concerned parents. “So I have complete confidence he will be safe when we go to Chuck E. Cheese’s for his third birthday party next week. Plus, I fill his pockets with bowling balls so we should be good there.”