PINGPYONGYINGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Today, the news from North Korea is that newbie dictator and amateur hipster, Kim Jong-un, may be experiencing health problems, most likely Type II diabetes. While the exact source of information on the impoverished communist nation’s potentially ailing leader is not known, it is widely suspected that it stems from over-indulgence on pork rinds and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

However, with concerns rising that the ailing ego-maniacal brat may not make it too much longer, the world’s busybodies have turned their attention to proposing successors for Jong-un. The Commie Board of Leader Elections – North Korea Edition (CBOLENKE) has intimated others may be more suited for the job, including Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Rutherford B. Hayes, Ariana Grande, and even Simon Cowell.

Of this list of top contenders, the smart money is on Cowell to assume the duties of dictator of North Korea with an aim for turning the miserable hellhole nation from “drab to fab” in just five years. Mr. Cowell was unavailable to confirm or deny these rumors, of course, and all decisions would have to be finalized after the current KitKat-chomping autocrat kicks the funky jams eternal and Cowell’s current contract as a hairstylist expires, whichever comes first.