POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – In a recent study released by the American Center for Really Fat People Studies today, researchers have come across a startling discovery: heavier children are more difficult to abduct than children who have a steady diet of healthy foods. “Their low center of gravity, coupled with a higher overall weight makes these pudgy little people quite difficult to dead lift,” said Dr. Lance O’Boyle of the ACRFPS. “Many of our lab techs managed to strain their lower backs during the study’s many simulated kidnapping experiments. They have reported that skinnier and even malnourished children are far more ‘comfortable’ targets to lift and carry away in a hurry.” As a consequence, concerned parents across the nation have signed on to feed their children as many fattening foods as possible to make their child less desirable targets for potential abductors. “My little Jimmy weighs 115 now,” said Mrs. Evelyn Thornton, one of said concerned parents. “So I have complete confidence he will be safe when we go to Chuck E. Cheese’s for his third birthday party next week. Plus, I fill his pockets with bowling balls so we should be good there.”
PARIS, FRANCE – In a controversial move that only offended some, the French parliament approved a measure that would ban Cobra Commander impersonators from the country. The French senate is expected to vote on the measure in September where it may very well become law, making the tiny island nation the world’s first to openly flout the will of Cobra*. The ban was proposed because French citizens were being accosted on the street by would-be Cobra Commanders, screeching “You fools!” in a raspy, high-pitched voice. The unnerving effect of these impromptu impersonations was causing civil unrest, leading some to burn automobiles and smash in shop windows in certain areas of the country’s capital city. Other Frenchmen reported these incidents were so jarring that it was hard for them to complete their rigorous seventeen hour work week. As a result, the French parliament acted quickly, approving a ban that includes not only the Cobra Commander Hood, but also the classic Battle Helmet, and as-yet unreleased Underwater Sea Rescue garb. President Emmanuel Macron has promised similar measures to ban costumes or other modes of dress that closely mirror the looks of the Baroness, Zartan, Major Bludd, and Destro, in an effort to…
Tuesday night, President Donald J. Trump gave a riveting speech to the joint houses of Congress in Washington, DC. The president discussed his agenda, condemned his critics, and then burst into an impromptu singing session that lasted for a good seven and half minutes. The vice president and various select members of the cabinets quickly tuned their instruments and provided a subtle, new jack swing vibe under Trump’s brazen melody. At first, all were shocked that the United States President would attempt to sing during such an auspicious occasion, but then the entire room began to clap and gyrate and sing along. Politicians, the press, and other selected members of the Washington intelligentsia in attendance were all suitably impressed with The Donald’s crooning, falling easily under his sway as he intoned “…that wall, she’s gonna be a beauty…”, “…I’m working on a deal for that…”, and “…I’ve got a yuge agenda, it’s really, really yuge!” Soundboard operators for the address say they’ve mastered the track, now called “The Big Agenda Boogie” and it’s currently available on iTunes for $0.99. All proceeds from the sale of the president’s first single will go to the construction of the proposed border wall.